I wish I could turn into an avoidant.
I’m sorry; this will probably sound harsh to people who are avoidant. But I’m spiraling today. I’m jealous, I wish I could deactivate. I wish there was a switch I could turn off; I wish I could just go on dates and move on.
I loved that man with everything. I did not question his love for a single second. I loved him. I do not deserve this for loving someone with all my heart. This is not fair. I never played with anyone’s heart, even though there were other guys around. I worked hard to be where I am today. I thought I found my person for life. I wish I could just turn it off, 'intellectualize' it, and move on. He is probably happy and moved on.
I feel so sick. I miss him so much. I can’t tell anyone; this is the only place I feel I can bare my heart. I’m so sorry. Please, tell me how do I turn it off?