What if you work together and can’t go NC?
Having spent some time reading posts on here, I have to say I’m quite envious of those who are able to just cut contact and never see or hear from them again. I wish I could have that choice, it’s honestly a dream.
My DA ex isn’t even an ex. We became very emotionally close working in the same team over a couple of years. Everyone at work thought we were sleeping together because I guess they felt this kind of vibe between us but we were never inappropriate or crossed any physical boundaries or even met outside of work. He did message me daily and a lot for years, having increasingly deep conversations and being occasionally flirty but in a cautious way. Eventually I was leaving for another job and I confessed my feelings to him in a message and he ghosted me which was incredibly hurtful.
I felt really bad that I was abandoning him (I had left him in a toxic workplace we both hated) and stupidly messaged him weeks later saying I’d still be there for him if he needed me, not expecting anything. He replied right away and our friendship quickly picked up again. Turns out he was applying to where I had moved to. He literally ended up following me to my workplace and to my exact team where I work now.
However some time after I found out that he had actually started a relationship with someone that he had been casually seeing for years. He started this relationships before we stopped speaking. He kept this secret from me for many months, telling me he didn’t want any relationship. This totally shattered my heart.
If we were not stuck working closely together I would have gone NC and have gotten over him. Instead I have to see him all the time. He messages me a lot daily, and gets anxious if I stop replying or take too long or my replies are dry. He insists on seeing me for lunch at work daily. Any slightest shift in my mood or tone or behaviour he will pick up immediately and I feel like I can’t escape him. He won’t let me go and has said so. He is also still flirting with me. But also telling me I’m one of his best friends but also only just friends . We are very close and I help him a lot with advice that he asks for and he has helped me. It’s complicated and confusing and there is a lot of push and pull from him but I can’t create awkwardness at work if I were to suddenly just stop everything.
Basically I’m trapped, suffering because I have to hear about how amazing his new relationship is, how it’s the only person he’s ever really loved, and watch him do all these exciting things with them. Meanwhile he will barely meet outside of work as it seems to make him weirdly nervous.
I’m desperate for advice on how to protect my sanity. Leaving my job is not an option (too complicated to get into). Has anybody else been stuck in this situation where you can’t just go completely NC? Especially with an avoidant that won’t let you go? How did you deal with it?