Avoidant Gaslighting Stems From Memory Gaps
I used to think my ex was gaslighting me. Like, genuinely manipulating me on purpose. I'd bring up things he said or did and he'd look at me like I was making it up. I'd say "why are you trying to hurt me?" or "why are you lying to me?" And he'd just look exhausted and say "please believe me, I'm telling you I don't remember." Still Id be like, I cant believe youre acting like you didnt say that to me.
At first, I thought it was bs. Classic gaslighting, right? Making me question my reality so he could avoid accountability. But something didn't sit right with me. The look in his eyes wasn't manipulative..it was like confusion mixed with embarrassment. Almost scared. Like he genuinely had no idea what I was talking about. That never sad right with me either..
So I started studying him. I know that sounds weird, but I couldn't let it go. I knew he loved me. I knew something else was going on. Around this time I was already into neuroscience as a hobby..nothing major, just reading studies and articles because the brain fascinated me. Then I fell down the rabbit hole of attachment theory and everything started clicking into place.
What I Discovered About Avoidant Memory Gaps
Turns out, avoidant gaslighting isn't always intentional manipulation. A lot of the time, it stems from actual memory gaps caused by how their nervous system responds to stress and emotions.
Here's what happens..
Avoidants suppress their emotions constantly. It's not a choice they're making consciously in the moment..it's an automatic survival mechanism that developed in childhood. As a healed fearful avoidant, I can tell you I use to do this. When emotions come up, especially intense ones like anger, hurt, fear, or even love, their nervous system sees it as a threat. So it does what it's designed to do and that suppress it, push it down, disconnect from it. Its not on purpose nor do we know exactly what we're doing. We just want to feel better like anyone else.
But here's the thing about suppressing emotions..you can't selectively numb what you want. When you push down the hard feelings, you also dull your ability to encode memories properly. Emotions are actually what help us form strong clear memories. When you're experiencing something emotionally, your brain is like "this is important, write this down clearly." But when you're suppressing those emotions as they happen? Your brain doesn't encode it the same way. The memory gets fuzzy, fragmented, or sometimes doesn't form at all.
So avoidant gaslighting stems from memory gaps not to intentionally gaslight you. They actually dont remember telling you some things.