r/emotionalaffair

My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years. We have 4 kids together ages 3-13. I have obviously been in the thick of motherhood for the last 13 years and I haven’t given him the attention he needs.

I received a call two days ago from a “no caller ID”. I was playing with my daughter, so I ignored it. The woman left a message saying that my husband had been having an affair with a lady from the gym for a while.

When my husband got home for lunch, I straight up asked him about it. He said, “yeah, I had been talking with a woman for the gym for a while. It was strictly talking. But I ended it a month or so ago.”

Obviously I was upset and heartbroken. As we have chatted over the last two nights, this is what I’ve learned.
-the relationship had lasted about a year on and off. He would feel guilty and then stop talking to her. Then he would get lonely and reach out to her again.
-they would talk while walking on the treadmill and then talk on the phone through Facebook messenger at different times. They also chatted in their cars.
-she validated him in ways that I wasn’t. They talked about issues in both of their marriages. She claimed she is divorcing her husband when her youngest graduates high school.
-they met in another town an hour away multiple times. He claims they were just talking.

I am still reeling from all of this. I know more conversations are forthcoming.

I don’t know how to move forward. Obviously divorce is not ideal for our kids. I would love to reconcile and make it work. Any advice on how to do that would be appreciated.

UPDATE-

So we talked last night for a long time. It was a good conversation. He is adamant that it was strictly
talking. She was his confidant. They would reach out to each other when they were feeing low. He took full accountability for it and is extremely remorseful. I’m still unsure on how I move forward in this relationship, but as I’m still in the investigation stage I need to maintain some sort of connection so I can get information to process.

I do want to reach out to her and get the story from her, but what do I text her? Do I say something like, “He told me everything. He says he used a condom every time you had sex. I want to make sure I’m safe. Did he?” I don’t want to tell her he only said it was emotional because then she’ll say it was just to protect them both. How do I get the full truth from her? What should I say?

Also, what should I say to her husband? “Hey dude! Apparently your wife and my husband have been having an affair for about a year. I just thought you should know!”

I am going to have tracking on his phone and access to all of his user names and passwords. He can’t have solo trips out of our valley anymore. I told him he can take a child with him. Tonight I want to go through his phone and see what apps he has on there. Are there any apps that I should be wary of?

A few months ago, I (30m) found out my wife (30f) had been having an emotional affair with a coworker. From what I saw, it was mostly harmless flirting, at least the texts were, but the super red flag was she had changed his contact in her phone to a fake name, so I knew she was hiding something.
When I confronted her, she admitted that he was very flirty with her, that he told her he wanted her, and she liked the attention. She swears nothing physical happened and they never met or hung out outside of work. She did admit she felt shame and that’s why she hid the contact info on her phone.
I feel like she was planning on cheating and I caught her before she did it. I can’t help but feel like those feelings are hindering our relationship.
I feel like I need to state that our relationship, in my opinion, had some communication struggles but was mostly “normal” and we had regular date nights and vacations while we are both working hard and planning to start a family. That’s probably why it hurts more because I felt like I was putting in a lot of effort into us.
We are in therapy, but I feel like I am not getting any reassurance or peace of mind from her that anything has changed. She told me she cutoff the problematic communication with the coworker and there are no new texts, but they still work together and I still have a sinking feeling in my chest.
Does anyone have advice to help get me past this better?

​

I know it sounds unbelievable—like, how did I not know? The truth is more convoluted. She has had this friend that we were both close to and even worked with in our past lives. In the 2010s, they started hanging out. She would go to his house on Saturdays and cook for him and his kids. They’d do movie nights, can pickles, garden, etc.

They then started going on trips together—mostly wilderness camping trips. They went to Key West, Yellowstone, Red Rocks, Isle Royale (that secluded island in the middle of Lake Michigan), and some state park in Ohio to camp.

I wasn’t much of a camper, so I didn’t go. Plus, in the 2010s I was pretty sick. I was basically fighting to survive and went through long periods where I couldn’t do much. Because of that, I actually felt grateful to her friend—I wasn’t much fun to be around back then.

Thankfully, I’ve recovered and I’m doing well now. But things started feeling weird during the trip to Isle Royale. It’s extremely secluded, and that’s when I became suspicious. The Key West trip also felt off to me.

A year after the Key West trip, I finally went through her phone. I found text messages to him like “I love you,” “I miss you,” “I know you’re sleeping but I’m thinking about you tonight,” and “The Saturdays we spent in Michigan were some of the best times of my life.” She even sent him a boob pic.

That made it real for me. There was a lot more—tons of “I love yous” and other romantic-style texting. She even sent him 2000 dollars for some sort of legal mess he got involved in.

When I confronted her, she said he’s basically like a brother to her and that I was wrong for assuming it was an affair.

We now live in Montana. In the four years we’ve been here, he’s only been to the house once. But apparently he’s coming out next month to stay for a week, and they’ll likely go camping again.

Other than this “best friend” situation, she’s been the most wonderful woman. But I’m getting ready to leave her. She did say she'd cut him loose and do what it takes to make it right. But, all I wanted was an acknowledgement that the affair took place.

Hi everyone- was wondering what people here think about the statute of limitations so to speak about emotional cheating.

What I mean is, assuming you just found out, how long ago would it have had to happen for you to be upset, really upset, not just for a fleeting moment because “it was the past”?

How long ago is too long ago to be so upset and to question things? Or is there no such thing? What if to the best of your knowledge things never got physical? Was hoping to get a consensus from others who have found out about an emotional affair that happened earlier on in the relationship but only found out after a couple years went by.

I m a 43M in a 15 yr of marriage with 8 yr old. I found out about 2 months ago that my wife has an affair with an ex colleague of hers (who is married & has a 1 yr old.)

I found them cheating through WhatsApp chats which she would otherwise delete before coming home. I had a hunch from a long time & i decided to act to figure out which i did & it made me real sad, angry. I confronted her but she didn't really apologies or felt guilty. I was devasted initially thinking that it was the end of our marriage but feelings for her & my son made me think that the only choice in front of me was reworking on marriage & how wrong was I.

Since the affair was out, I thought she will stop talking but even when I asked her she would get defensive & argue saying she will not stop. So we went to a counsellor who suggested No contact period, which she grudgingly accepted. But even before that period started all the planning from those 2 was done. She had taken 2 of their mutual friends into confidence (both with family & young once) & i dont know what these guys are high on but they colluded. Through this no contact period they acted as messengers providing any messages to each one of them. They would provide any details these guys would want & even pass on emotional messages. I believed her blindly again this that period (how fool of me) but it was just a eye wash. He was sending her gifts, song dedications, vitual parties & what not btw she was reciprocating all this.

When I figured out what was going on I just lost it & said that i will under no circumstance will give divorce (which his wife is also saying) & make her life hell. I know this is initial anger but I for sure wont throw in towel like that so she can have her own way.

original post

I drew a hard line. I gave him a few days to decide, but said I'd be leaving if he didn't choose to commit to our marriage. He didn't, so I left. He knew what he wanted, he just didn't have the balls to make it happen, so I had to.

They are now rewriting the narrative (the marriage was already over - though no one told me that 🤷‍♀️) and doubling down on the fact that they're *just friends*, but no one is buying it. You don't let your wife of almost a decade walk away over just a friend. If she sticks around long enough for them to be in a relationship, then it'll be "oh, she was such a supportive friend during my separation/divorce..." From what I hear he doesn't really know her at all, but that's his problem now.

I feel like I'm coming out of a fog and am becoming aware of things that I either didn't see or blocked out at the time. Suffice it to say I haven't been treated well in a while.

Now it's time to move forward (heal, grieve, etc).

Thanks for all the advice on my last post. 🩷

My husband has made me so insecure through the years of rejections and emotional affairs. Now I want to seek attention elsewhere. Not really physically but online in an emotional way. Perhaps irl down the line? Is it wrong if I should seek validation to regain confidence? I don’t even think I know how to think properly anymore it’s been so many years of being torn down. Is there anything better ?

(Warning- Long post)

I am not sure what to do. I don’t want to leave my husband but recently he broke my trust (he did not sleep with someone but he was confiding in another woman about our marital issues and told her that he was going to leave me.)
I can hardly bear the thought of leaving but I’m also worried what if this happens again or what if he ends up cheating down the line and I look back on this moment and tell myself I should have left back then…?

After he was talking to this woman for a week he came to me and confessed and cried. He seemed remorseful and told me that it would never happen again. He said he had to tell me because it was eating away at him and he felt like he couldn’t keep lying to me.
Initially when he told me about it, he mentioned separation and said that I deserve a better man than him, and he said that we might need to take a break. He said that he just can’t make me happy and he feels like he’s not good enough for me. I reacted very calm and listened to everything he had to say.. then after a while he started saying we would work through this and that he is going to be the partner that I need and be a better husband. He also said at one point that the “ball is in your court” I won’t blame you if you want to leave me because of this.
Also, there have been past times where he will follow / like other woman’s social media posts online (pictures of half naked women) and friending random women online who post photos like this. He has gotten better and does not do this as frequently anymore because I expressed I was not okay with it, however it still happens sometimes. I feel like his eyes wander occasionally. However he has always been loyal in the fact that he’s never slept with another woman, this is the first time he’s ever been texting another woman / emotional affair situation.

I’m really sad, confused and I feel stuck. I don’t know what the right answer is. Should I stay or leave?

——Background info——:
My husband and I have been married 3 years (both 26 years old) , been together for 5 years total. No kids yet (both want kids eventually)
Our sex life is great and we have never had issues with that.
My husband lately has been wanting to go out on the weekends with friends and stays out late. We have gotten into some arguments about this because money has been tight recently
My husband quit his job 6 months ago and we lost our health insurance and I’ve been paying all the bills myself, he has had to use my credit card for gas and personal stuff to get by, he has done some work for his self on he side (blue collar work/trades) and he says he doesn’t want to go back to working for somebody else and would rather work for himself.
Lately I have expressed that I am not happy about the financial situation we are in and upset because he has a lot of debt that he can hardly afford to pay. He also has expensive hobbies that he is consumed by on the weekends. I had told him if he was going to work for himself and have his own business he needs to focus on that and not his hobbies during all his free time or going to the bars / hanging out with his friends.
I am stressed out frequently because I carry the mental load of remembering/ planning for our household and staying on top of bills, writing debt collectors on his behalf, trying to figure out how to plan/save for having a baby, ect.
We have argued about bills and money, he usually always says the same things and says we could have stayed living in the cheap trailer where we used to be but I bought this house and he acts like he didn’t have a say so in it… when we remodeled the house my dad came over to help me fix it up, my husband was very distant and helped very little during the renovations.
I have always strived to be successful, I have investing goals, and I have a high work ethic.
my husband says he wants these things too and will talk about how he wants success with his own business but then I don’t see him following through by taking consistent actions (he struggles to wake up on his own in the morning, forgets to set alarms or he will pass out on the couch and forget to plug in his phone/set alarms to wake up on time, neglects tracking mileage, is bad about book keeping and I have to constantly ask him if he’s been scanning receipts or tracking mileage)
My husband has always struggled with saving money and does not follow a budget (we have had conversations about this)
We have also gotten into arguments about household chores, I typically am the sole person that stays on top of cleaning every week to keep things in order. He thinks that I am just “OCD” and when I ask him to help clean or do laundry he thinks it’s not necessary and does not really want to help unless I get angry or I have to ask multiple times. He’ll tell me to just leave his laundry for him to do, but if I do that it sits there a long time and then I just get irritated so I will do it myself because I’m tired of looking at it.

Update to this post-

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalaffair/s/27oQrSZE2M

Lots of long and emotional conversations have happened over the last 5 days.

A little backstory…. my husband and I are Mormon. There are strict rules about sex. When he was a young teen, his dad talked to him about masturbation. He said, “your thoughts become actions and your actions become your destiny. So basically your thoughts are your destiny.” As a young teen, who had hormones, he had major shame about masturbation and anything sexual. He felt like if he even thought about it, then his destination was hell. Let alone the times he actually did it.

If you can’t tell by the way his father approached masturbation, his parents were very controlling and very into shame based parenting. My husband was really good at football and his parents lived through him for success. Their love became very transactional and conditional. Good game? Lots of love and praise. Bad game? Yelling at and/or ignoring him. He didn’t feel unconditional love from his own mother.

He went on a service mission for our church when he was 19 and left his girlfriend at home, expecting her to be home when he returned. She was not. She got married while he was on his mission. He was devastated. A couple months later while still on his mission, he befriended an older woman. He told her about his heartbreak and she listened to him. She took advantage of his heartbreak and assaulted him. He felt immense guilt after and came home wracked with guilt. But he also had a strange attachment to this older woman who was there for him during a hard moment. She came to see him after his mission and they had sex. A huge no-no for Mormons and his guilt grew.

We met 6 months later. But before we met, he just made out with anyone. He kissed a different girl every night. Again, we’re Mormon, so no premarital sex. He felt so hollow and full of shame from his encounters both during and after his mission that he would seek the connection from kissing to escape that. We met, and he could tell I was different. We started dating. But he couldn’t shake the shame he felt. He felt he wasn’t good enough for me, but also didn’t want to let me go. He actually broke up with me 2-3 times because he felt shame and like he wasn’t good enough. But we’d get back together. I really loved him. I had dated a ton of guys, and he was the best (if that says anything…) He continued to kiss other girls without my knowledge. He came clean to me after a year and told me what had happened. I was devastated. We struggled for a bit and I had lost trust. We managed to come together and work through the issues and were stronger than before because the trust had been rebuilt. I was proud that even though he had kissed other girls, he always returned to me. And in the end, he had chosen me. He had seen what else was out there, and I was the best.

We got married and had 4 kids and I thought everything was ok. Obviously, we were busy and didn’t have as much alone time to connect. And I was pregnant or nursing for many of those years, so my hormones were out of whack as was my sleep. He started to feel deprived. He wanted unconditional love. He wanted to be desired. I wanted a hot meal and a full nights rest. We were on two different levels. He told me many times how he was depressed and felt deprived. I would try to validate and fulfill him, but I was spread so thin.

Enter the lady at the gym. She is older than us by about 10 years, but is in good shape. She started smiling at him and complimenting him. He liked the attention. He flirted back. She started trying to be at the gym when he was and she would try to leave when he did. She caught up to him in the parking lot one day and they chatted. My husband noticed someone he knew walk by and he thought, “I don’t want to be seen talking to her.” So he ended the conversation and left. But she kept pursuing him. She told him about her gay daughter (an issue in the Mormon faith) and he expressed some faith crises he was having. They talked at the gym but then decided to talk on the phone through Facebook messenger. Then he would feel guilty and end it. But then he would have a hard day and reach out to her. That went on for about a year.

The rest hasn’t been shared yet. But I know they had sex. I don’t know the full details on that yet, but he said he would share. We were both depleted last night when we got to that part of the story. I know he told her he loved her. He said that looking at it now, it wasn’t *love* love it was more I love that you’re here for me. But the emotion was there regardless. He ended it a month ago and I found out about it 5 days ago with the random phone call from a blocked number. We kind of made the connection last night that he has mommy issues. Both times he had sex with people other than me, it was older women who manipulated the situation. Much like his mother does. (She’s a peach of a MIL🙄. But that’s for another post….)

He has switched gyms (to one with only really old people, like 65+. Including an old guy that creeps all of the girls out and chats with my husband every day so he’s a good deterrent.). He has deleted his Facebook. I have access to his Instagram. He has a lot of issues. He knows he has a lot of issues. He’s trying to heal from all of his past trauma that he never healed before meeting me. He is hoping that if he can get past that, then he can be the husband I finally deserve.

I had a breakdown last night feeling so bad about myself. Feeling like it was my fault. Like I was a failure. But I did everything I could to try and save our marriage. But I didn’t stand a chance because he had a toxic “Friend” who was always there to prop him up when I was busy. And he could feel good about making her feel better because she was in a bad place too. One time after he said they had to stop, she tried to kill herself. So he felt kind of trapped. But he would talk to her, feel validated, then feel guilty, come to me, complain about not feeling validated. I would try, but I would get busy and fall back into my old ways after a couple days or a week, and then he’d go right back to her. “See? She doesn’t desire me.” Like I said, I didn’t stand a chance with her there in waiting the wings. I expressed that to him, and he completely agreed. He apologized profusely and said it was totally unfair to me. Every fight we have had over the last 18 months has been that cycle of my not trying hard enough in his eyes, and him feeling validated to step out because at least someone wanted him. He has said he doesn’t deserve me, which is true, but I still love our family and I don’t want it ripped apart right now. I want to put in the work, and I want him to put in all of the work that he needs, and I want to try and make it through.

She did accept my friend request on Instagram so I sent her a message last night. I have not heard from her yet. I also managed to get her phone number from a mutual friend, so if she doesn’t respond to my message, I’ll text her. I need to forgive her too if I’m going to be able to heal from this myself. I can’t hold on to anger and resentment. So I need her side of the story and I’d appreciate an apology from her, but I’m not sure what I’ll get. I might get blocked 🤷‍♀️.

Anyway, I’m not sure what the future holds for us. I think we are both willing to put in the work, but it’s going to be rough. He has way more work to do than I do, so hopefully he gets to it. I started reading “Not “Just Friends”” that someone suggested and it is so good so far. I am hoping that it will help shed some light on things and help me move forward whether that be with him or alone.

Please only comment with helpful comments. I am in a very vulnerable state 💗

I found out a month ago that my husband has been emotionally cheating with a girl he met online for 5 years, we've been in a long distance relationship for 4 years and 2 years now in person and we got married 3 months ago. I didn't see any signs or anything, he was always kind, attentive and nice until the day he confessed everything because the other woman found out and threatened him to tell me, at the end both did, he told me it was texting, calls, photos, video calls, normal and sexual but that he was manipulating her and hurted her, he also says that he never wanted her for a romantic relationship but he cares about her and finds her physically and sexually attractive.

It's been hard and I don't know if my delayed honeymoon will help us to get through this, is there any hope? Does it get better? We talked with people in our church community who went through the same and it was helpful, we are also seeing therapists (separately) and he seems regretful and honest so I'm choosing reconciliation and I'd like to hear experiences of people who survived infidelity

I’ve been with my husband six years. No issues in the past. Only thing is at the beginning of our dating he lied and said he wasn’t talking to his ex and he did message her and I caught him out. But aside from that all has been smooth.

The last month or two I’ve been going through the process of being diagnosed with level 1 autism. I have no friends. I re connected with a friend from school who I know has autism and told him. We bonded over it and talked about it a lot and our experiences. After 2 weeks he said he wished we had probably dated in highschool when we liked each other. I said I regret not giving it a go back then and I’m sorry I rejected him in a rude way but I’m very happy right now in my marriage and he said he’s happy in his life too. It got nostalgic for a few messages. He got a bit romantic and I ignored it and pivoted to other talk.

I should’ve cut it off entirely here but I didnt because I have no friends and having a friend AND someone who also has autism made me feel good. So I stuck around. We had coffee and just talked about our lives, no issues, said goodbye. Won’t see each other again probably for years. But did keep messaging about our lives. Sent him a message and said for the sake of our friendship we shouldnt talk about nostalgic stuff anymore and he agreed.

Then a few days later my husband gets very upset. Overnight he had a feeling and broke into my phone and read some of our messages and my notes entries. He saw the worst of it (and not when I made the small boundaries). Anyway it’s blown up. I’ve told him I have no desire or love for this person other than a friend but I do admit it got nostalgic and I said I wish I dealt with us better back in high school and I know it’s wrong. I said sorry but also please don’t think it’s more than that.

He told me I’ve cheated, then said affair, then went back on it and said emotionally pushed boundaries which I agree with. But then said cheated again, and couldn’t seem to see that I had no desire for anything with this person and that I realised I messed up and should’ve ended our chats when the guy got flirty and nostalgic. I fucked up. I was lonely and sad and liked that he made me with autism feel seen. I messaged the guy and said I can’t speak to him anymore.

Anyway now my husband is very upset, removed me off find my friends, and is saying he no longer trusts me. I understand I’ve made a huge mistake. I feel so upset and my autism is making me spiral and have meltdowns and I have hurt myself. I am outside right now thinking bad things. I don’t know what to do next. I love my husband so much and just want to make things right. I feel so stupid and so much shame.

TLDR - I (35f) emotionally ‘cheated’ with someone I don’t like or have desire for but felt a bond with due to autism and now my husband (38m) is saying I’ve cheated and I don’t know what to do next

I had bad perimenopause a few years back. I was seriously depressed to where it felt like ground hog day. My libido was shot and my husband only touched me for sex so I pushed him away. When I started to feel better I tried to see if we could get back on track and was told he had low testosterone and wasn’t functioning. I totally understood being recent messed up by hormones myself and tried not to pressure him. In the meantime my dad died and I had to help my mom get the house together to sell and she moved in with us. I really received no empathy from him or help with the house. He said her moving in was expected and he was fine with it. She hasn’t really been too much trouble except caring for her is a lot at times. She’s currently 11 months into a 9-12 month cancer prognosis. His mother got sick a couple years back requiring surgery. I offered to help and was denied. He handled it on his own. One day after visiting her, we were going to dinner with friends and I tried to call him. He didn’t answer and when I finally got hold of him he said he was talking to his mother. I found it odd since he was just with her and they’re really not that close. I looked at the phone bill and found he was talking to some woman named Maria who i didn’t know. Additional digging showed he been talking to her quite a lot. When I confronted him he said she’s a coworker and they were commiserating about work. But the calls were all hours of the day and evening and always when I wasn’t around. He refused then and still refuses to admit it’s an emotional affair and won’t stop talking to her. He told me he is no longer in love with me and if things continue they way they are (??) we’d have to divorce. Two years later we continue in the same situation he was recently forced to retire and is still talking to this “coworker” I’ve tried to set the boundary to stop talking to her or leave. Nothing. He really tried to make this my fault. I asked for counseling and he said no. I talk to a therapist myself who’s basically a sounding board to let me know I’m not crazy. He got upset that I talk to a therapist about us because he can’t defend himself. (Then go to marriage counseling asshole!!!!) Now that he’s not working, he treats the house like a hotel. He works out for hours daily (usually talking to the girlfriend on his walks). In the winter he cried and said he needed to get some space then immediately said he was going to a hockey game across the state which happened to be close to where she lives. Not only was it an expensive trip for a person with no job, but a total loss of trust from me. I texted him if he was there with her he better not come home. He denied seeing her that she wasn’t in the state (bullshit) and came home anyway.
Anytime I’m quiet just to try set my own boundary and not freak at him, he’ll ask “what’s wrong now?” Seriously??! He gets mad at me for being unresponsive to him. I should be able to shut down. I’ve got so much going on but apparently I’M the problem. I can’t pretend to be okay when I’m not just to make him feel like he’s not the bad guy.
So I’m dealing with a dying mother and my daughter leaving for college and his crap. I’m the only one working, maintaining the house etc.
I cannot believe he has the nerve to make me the bad guy.
FYI, he’s 58 years old..

Edit: This was basically a vent. I’m really not looking for advice so much as just getting it out. I was so depressed for so long that it was all I could do was work take care of the house, my kids and my mom. I recently switched jobs which has helped a lot because my previous job was a soul sucking nightmare. I’m no longer looking for anything from husband, because to be honest, there is absolutely nothing I need him for.

Hi we are both 28 years old I don’t know where to start i have been broken form inside
I will tell whole story maybe someone can guide me and help me
We been into relationship for 3 years when she meet she was so mentally unstable always crying away form family then i entered in her life i made her back close to family she start laughing always she used to cry in my arms saying I feel peace with you we had great 3 years of relationship she helped me also in every point of life in our last. Days she was so happy with me and in life as well
Now break up part
She went out of country for her sister wedding and this was 1st time we were away in these 3 years 1st 15 days we talk everyday unfortunately robbery happened in her home so her parents took money form her for wedding and i owe her some as well and worst part i was driving without insurance I went into custody for 48 hours she was crying so badly as my family were in contact with her
Then her cousin come into her life he helped her in that time he gave her emotional support and everything remember he was her ex 8 years ago
When i come back after 48 hours she said i want divorce she come back now its been a month now she always crying and me too but she said she don’t love me anymore and want him in her life
What should i do at this point
She wants divorce

We have been on a relationship for more than 3 years now. Her possessiveness is killing me mentally. After like 1 month into our relationship she demanded all my social media account passwords. She said i can have her social media accounts aswell. But I didn’t even tried to log in even though she gave me her passwords because i trust her and i don’t want to be insecure. I was in love so i gave my passwords to her she had access to my facebook, instagram, TikTok and etc. For example in Instagram, she reduced my 600 following to 300 by unfollowing 99.9% of the females including my friends and celebrities. In facebook she unfriends every female she saw when scrolling through the friend list. I asked why and she said she should be the only female in your life, “ why do you want to look at other females when you have me” and other stuff. Watching porn is prohibited and any group or page that posts regarding girls or sexual stuff is blocked if she sees them. She said you can accept requests but never send requests of follow back a female ever. After time she said i cant accept a request from female either. In my instagram she checks the following count every day to see whether i have followed someone new. If it is a female she would fight me a mentally drown me until i unfollow them. We fought about this and i deleted my instagram and changed my passwords of facebook and TikTok for my mental peace. Even in WhatsApp i have to and I’m only allowed to have a couple photo of me and her as the DP. Last seen is mandatory.

When im going out with my friends i have to frequently send her updates and photos of what am doing blah blah blah. And she would stalk my friends facebook stories to see whether i have done something that I haven’t gave her the update on.
If there are females involved she would constantly msg me and saying stuff that is mentally exhausting and i am in a bad mood for the whole day.

Going through my university years was the toughest part. She would follow all the females if they are in a group work with me regarding a university project. I didn’t even follow them but she has. So she can see if they upload a picture or something with me involving to crash at me. I had like 4/5 saved numbers of my university female friends she asked me to delete them and only chat in the group chat no private msgs. I said that is bullshit and you don’t know what a university project like. So she blocked them from calling and im only allowed to msg them if i want to. If they ask me for help i should reply atleast 5/6 hours after the msg. She said if you reply quickly them think im in love with them. And i am not allowed to talk to them when we are physically in thr university i should ignore them completely. As soon as the lectures are over i have to go home and she dont like when i go to the university early as well. Maybe she thinks i have time to talk to girls when i arrived early or stayed late.

When we meet she checks my phone everytime she get the chance to. She delete numbers and unfriend unfollow people on social media even though it has been 3 years and i didnt cheat her once. She also check the watched video history to see whether i watched any video of girls dancing or any erotic stuff.

Im mentally so tired of this I don’t know what to do. It has been 3+ years and i think i lost my potential because of her. I have to tell exact details of everything i do and that made me not do stuff. Stuff that is normal to others are cheating stuff or bad stuff according to her. I have met her family and they are lovely people. They are the exact reason why i am still with her. Someone please help me to go on from this. She is not with me for money and she doesn’t interact much with males either. What can i do?

My husband has been deleting and reinstalling Firefox private browsing on his phone since June … mostly around the time he leaves 5am (when he’s on his way to work) , later in the evening and when he’s in the bathroom. My mind obviously went to porn. Which after asking him twice he confessed but that doesn’t add up with driving or when he is at work.. maybe I’m paranoid but to me it just doesn’t add up.

Mind you he has been doing this behavior everyday since June 2025 and I’m just finding out... anyone have advice or experience?

Hi we are both 28 years old I don’t know where to start i have been broken form inside
I will tell whole story maybe someone can guide me and help me
We been into relationship for 3 years when she meet she was so mentally unstable always crying away form family then i entered in her life i made her back close to family she start laughing always she used to cry in my arms saying I feel peace with you we had great 3 years of relationship she helped me also in every point of life in our last. Days she was so happy with me and in life as well
Now break up part
She went out of country for her sister wedding and this was 1st time we were away in these 3 years 1st 15 days we talk everyday unfortunately robbery happened in her home so her parents took money form her for wedding and i owe her some as well and worst part i was driving without insurance I went into custody for 48 hours she was crying so badly as my family were in contact with her
Then her cousin come into her life he helped her in that time he gave her emotional support and everything remember he was her ex 8 years ago
When i come back after 48 hours she said i want divorce she come back now its been a month now she always crying and me too but she said she don’t love me anymore and want him in her life
What should i do at this point
She wants divorce

I outed my wife in couples therapy when I discovered she had be lying to me about a colleague she’s been working directly with since January. She says that this relationship is no different from that of her other relationships with colleagues. In therapy she said “I know the relationship looks bad, but I also knew you would react negatively towards it.” That was her reasoning for lying.

She does not believe this is an affair. She doesn’t believe that he is courting her.

Nothing romantic happened, and that I believe, but this is a slippery slope that needs to stop. However, she wont. She persists that ending the relationship crosses one of her boundaries, autonomy and to control her own relationships.

I need help looking at the texts and tell me I’m not crazy. They aren’t in chronological order.

For further context, they frequently go on private walks after meeting for breakfast, go out to dinner, spent a day touring a city, when ice skating together, and he’s bought her gifts (books). They also frequently pick each other up from the airports, and he will often drive her back to her hotel.

Here are the texts:

Her: Hey, i wanted to say; Thanks for this morning. You were very gentle, and that felt really nice. (Context, he was consoling her after a friend/colleague just got fired)

——

Him: I miss my Skater….

——

Him: Soon back! Can we have a morning call tomorrow at 8:15 or 09:15? Missing you

Her: Ahhh you miss me don’t you 😎 Don’t worry, I miss you too.

Him: Why wouldn’t I….

——

Her: It’s great to have you on this quest with me. I feel it’s a larger quest than just a “project” and I love it. Let me know where to send the bill for the business advice 😘 😉

——

Her: Sorry about the ex comment 🫠

Him: Our roof is much higher than that!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

——

Her: Your books got introduced to all my book boyfriends. They are in VERY good company.

——

Him: You are a super good person with a big heart! You give good advice! You are a good listener.

Her: I know I don’t have to say it but still; I’m sorry for how that went and that I ghosted you in the metro. I was soooo looking forward to a great evening. Now I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Thanks for your kind words, it helps.

——

Him: Thank you for giving me ideas on me being kinder to myself.

Her: I deeply enjoy our time. Loved meeting Carl! I love that we have a dynamic where we meet each other where we are, and figure it out from there. It’s special. I will sit with this for a bit. I think I see you more positive than you see yourself. There is something to unlock. 🤩

Him: You have my permission to unlock 🔓

Her: Always good to have consent 😎

——

Her: I’m home!

Him: And she is great!

——

Her: Touchdown! I’ve landed

Him: It’s nice to be the one to get that message. Glad you’re home.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

My wife (29F) and I (29M) have been going through a rocky patch in the last few months and has spiralled to a place I never would have imagined in our four years of marriage.

I have ran a 7 figure business since 2021, which has been quite demanding at times and had caused a lot of tension in our marriage from year one.

We’ve had ups and downs but ultimately throughout our marriage, my wife says she feels lonely due to my focus on business and she feels second place.

Last year February, we welcomed our beautiful baby girl but since then things in our marriage has got worse.

She says more than ever I’m not attentive to her, she’s exhausted, I’m not present mentally at home, I don’t take care of her etc - all these things which I have actively tried to work on but I keep falling short of her standards.

She has experienced abandonment from her dad, who wanted no part of her in his life, from a very young age so I’m not sure if this is why there is additional pressure on me.

Long story short, recently, I’ve been watching a show on YouTube called JackTV and the aim is to test couple’s loyalty to see if the participants partner will cheat with a decoy.

After binging hours of episodes, I noticed that my wife’s demeanour (cold, distant, not wanting to be physical, etc) was reminiscent of those that have been cheating on their partner, so I decided to check her Reddit page.

As I went through her account and I saw a post she created on a subreddit (about a month ago), venting about a short emotional affair she had but she deleted it so I don’t know the extent of what was posted.

All I saw were people in her comments saying:

“Hopefully your husband finds out”

“Why are you looking for comfort/understanding from another man as a married woman”

“Your husband deserves better” etc.

As you can imagine, I was in complete shock and I confronted her, to which she admitted to having a “one month” emotional affair with another man with a wife and kids on Reddit.

She said she was asking for “advice” on our marriage, this man popped up and then things “spiralled” from there.

She said that no pictures or anything were exchanged, but she “enjoyed” speaking with him everyday and there were light flirting involved.

After a “month” she cut it off, deleted her Reddit account (basically ghosted him) but felt bad, so she opened a new one and sent an apology text to him.

Right now, emotionally I’m all over the place

I blame myself for not doing better as a husband, which led my wife to seek an emotional connection with another man but also, I’m very angry/hurt at her that she allowed this boundary to be crossed regardless.

Should I be angry with her if the conversation was just on Reddit?

But also, as the chat no longer exists, I would never know the full nature of the conversations that were had over the course of the month.

She said she liked talking to him about our marriage and other things because of the anonymity and didn’t want to share our business to people we know IRL.

When I did confront her, she did seem remorseful, took accountability and recognised that she has a self control issue.

She’s also been drinking & watching porn to cope/escape from the loneliness she feels in the marriage.

We’ve been in therapy already prior to this but now this feels like an all time low and I don’t know if we can handle this.

I’m deeply concerned. I feel like if she can open up to a random man on Reddit, who’s to say she can’t do the same with a coworker or someone from the gym in the future.

Any constructive advice would be helpful, this is my first ever post so please be kind ❤️

Thanks in advance

Update: I managed to retrieve the deleted post she made.

She said the conversation became flirtatious, she panicked then deleted her account.

24 hours later she made a new account to reach out to him and apologise but he didn’t respond.

She said “he won’t be back” and now feels “stupid”.