So exhausted
I had bad perimenopause a few years back. I was seriously depressed to where it felt like ground hog day. My libido was shot and my husband only touched me for sex so I pushed him away. When I started to feel better I tried to see if we could get back on track and was told he had low testosterone and wasn’t functioning. I totally understood being recent messed up by hormones myself and tried not to pressure him. In the meantime my dad died and I had to help my mom get the house together to sell and she moved in with us. I really received no empathy from him or help with the house. He said her moving in was expected and he was fine with it. She hasn’t really been too much trouble except caring for her is a lot at times. She’s currently 11 months into a 9-12 month cancer prognosis. His mother got sick a couple years back requiring surgery. I offered to help and was denied. He handled it on his own. One day after visiting her, we were going to dinner with friends and I tried to call him. He didn’t answer and when I finally got hold of him he said he was talking to his mother. I found it odd since he was just with her and they’re really not that close. I looked at the phone bill and found he was talking to some woman named Maria who i didn’t know. Additional digging showed he been talking to her quite a lot. When I confronted him he said she’s a coworker and they were commiserating about work. But the calls were all hours of the day and evening and always when I wasn’t around. He refused then and still refuses to admit it’s an emotional affair and won’t stop talking to her. He told me he is no longer in love with me and if things continue they way they are (??) we’d have to divorce. Two years later we continue in the same situation he was recently forced to retire and is still talking to this “coworker” I’ve tried to set the boundary to stop talking to her or leave. Nothing. He really tried to make this my fault. I asked for counseling and he said no. I talk to a therapist myself who’s basically a sounding board to let me know I’m not crazy. He got upset that I talk to a therapist about us because he can’t defend himself. (Then go to marriage counseling asshole!!!!) Now that he’s not working, he treats the house like a hotel. He works out for hours daily (usually talking to the girlfriend on his walks). In the winter he cried and said he needed to get some space then immediately said he was going to a hockey game across the state which happened to be close to where she lives. Not only was it an expensive trip for a person with no job, but a total loss of trust from me. I texted him if he was there with her he better not come home. He denied seeing her that she wasn’t in the state (bullshit) and came home anyway.
Anytime I’m quiet just to try set my own boundary and not freak at him, he’ll ask “what’s wrong now?” Seriously??! He gets mad at me for being unresponsive to him. I should be able to shut down. I’ve got so much going on but apparently I’M the problem. I can’t pretend to be okay when I’m not just to make him feel like he’s not the bad guy.
So I’m dealing with a dying mother and my daughter leaving for college and his crap. I’m the only one working, maintaining the house etc.
I cannot believe he has the nerve to make me the bad guy.
FYI, he’s 58 years old..
Edit: This was basically a vent. I’m really not looking for advice so much as just getting it out. I was so depressed for so long that it was all I could do was work take care of the house, my kids and my mom. I recently switched jobs which has helped a lot because my previous job was a soul sucking nightmare. I’m no longer looking for anything from husband, because to be honest, there is absolutely nothing I need him for.