Update to this post-
https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalaffair/s/27oQrSZE2M
Lots of long and emotional conversations have happened over the last 5 days.
A little backstory…. my husband and I are Mormon. There are strict rules about sex. When he was a young teen, his dad talked to him about masturbation. He said, “your thoughts become actions and your actions become your destiny. So basically your thoughts are your destiny.” As a young teen, who had hormones, he had major shame about masturbation and anything sexual. He felt like if he even thought about it, then his destination was hell. Let alone the times he actually did it.
If you can’t tell by the way his father approached masturbation, his parents were very controlling and very into shame based parenting. My husband was really good at football and his parents lived through him for success. Their love became very transactional and conditional. Good game? Lots of love and praise. Bad game? Yelling at and/or ignoring him. He didn’t feel unconditional love from his own mother.
He went on a service mission for our church when he was 19 and left his girlfriend at home, expecting her to be home when he returned. She was not. She got married while he was on his mission. He was devastated. A couple months later while still on his mission, he befriended an older woman. He told her about his heartbreak and she listened to him. She took advantage of his heartbreak and assaulted him. He felt immense guilt after and came home wracked with guilt. But he also had a strange attachment to this older woman who was there for him during a hard moment. She came to see him after his mission and they had sex. A huge no-no for Mormons and his guilt grew.
We met 6 months later. But before we met, he just made out with anyone. He kissed a different girl every night. Again, we’re Mormon, so no premarital sex. He felt so hollow and full of shame from his encounters both during and after his mission that he would seek the connection from kissing to escape that. We met, and he could tell I was different. We started dating. But he couldn’t shake the shame he felt. He felt he wasn’t good enough for me, but also didn’t want to let me go. He actually broke up with me 2-3 times because he felt shame and like he wasn’t good enough. But we’d get back together. I really loved him. I had dated a ton of guys, and he was the best (if that says anything…) He continued to kiss other girls without my knowledge. He came clean to me after a year and told me what had happened. I was devastated. We struggled for a bit and I had lost trust. We managed to come together and work through the issues and were stronger than before because the trust had been rebuilt. I was proud that even though he had kissed other girls, he always returned to me. And in the end, he had chosen me. He had seen what else was out there, and I was the best.
We got married and had 4 kids and I thought everything was ok. Obviously, we were busy and didn’t have as much alone time to connect. And I was pregnant or nursing for many of those years, so my hormones were out of whack as was my sleep. He started to feel deprived. He wanted unconditional love. He wanted to be desired. I wanted a hot meal and a full nights rest. We were on two different levels. He told me many times how he was depressed and felt deprived. I would try to validate and fulfill him, but I was spread so thin.
Enter the lady at the gym. She is older than us by about 10 years, but is in good shape. She started smiling at him and complimenting him. He liked the attention. He flirted back. She started trying to be at the gym when he was and she would try to leave when he did. She caught up to him in the parking lot one day and they chatted. My husband noticed someone he knew walk by and he thought, “I don’t want to be seen talking to her.” So he ended the conversation and left. But she kept pursuing him. She told him about her gay daughter (an issue in the Mormon faith) and he expressed some faith crises he was having. They talked at the gym but then decided to talk on the phone through Facebook messenger. Then he would feel guilty and end it. But then he would have a hard day and reach out to her. That went on for about a year.
The rest hasn’t been shared yet. But I know they had sex. I don’t know the full details on that yet, but he said he would share. We were both depleted last night when we got to that part of the story. I know he told her he loved her. He said that looking at it now, it wasn’t *love* love it was more I love that you’re here for me. But the emotion was there regardless. He ended it a month ago and I found out about it 5 days ago with the random phone call from a blocked number. We kind of made the connection last night that he has mommy issues. Both times he had sex with people other than me, it was older women who manipulated the situation. Much like his mother does. (She’s a peach of a MIL🙄. But that’s for another post….)
He has switched gyms (to one with only really old people, like 65+. Including an old guy that creeps all of the girls out and chats with my husband every day so he’s a good deterrent.). He has deleted his Facebook. I have access to his Instagram. He has a lot of issues. He knows he has a lot of issues. He’s trying to heal from all of his past trauma that he never healed before meeting me. He is hoping that if he can get past that, then he can be the husband I finally deserve.
I had a breakdown last night feeling so bad about myself. Feeling like it was my fault. Like I was a failure. But I did everything I could to try and save our marriage. But I didn’t stand a chance because he had a toxic “Friend” who was always there to prop him up when I was busy. And he could feel good about making her feel better because she was in a bad place too. One time after he said they had to stop, she tried to kill herself. So he felt kind of trapped. But he would talk to her, feel validated, then feel guilty, come to me, complain about not feeling validated. I would try, but I would get busy and fall back into my old ways after a couple days or a week, and then he’d go right back to her. “See? She doesn’t desire me.” Like I said, I didn’t stand a chance with her there in waiting the wings. I expressed that to him, and he completely agreed. He apologized profusely and said it was totally unfair to me. Every fight we have had over the last 18 months has been that cycle of my not trying hard enough in his eyes, and him feeling validated to step out because at least someone wanted him. He has said he doesn’t deserve me, which is true, but I still love our family and I don’t want it ripped apart right now. I want to put in the work, and I want him to put in all of the work that he needs, and I want to try and make it through.
She did accept my friend request on Instagram so I sent her a message last night. I have not heard from her yet. I also managed to get her phone number from a mutual friend, so if she doesn’t respond to my message, I’ll text her. I need to forgive her too if I’m going to be able to heal from this myself. I can’t hold on to anger and resentment. So I need her side of the story and I’d appreciate an apology from her, but I’m not sure what I’ll get. I might get blocked 🤷♀️.
Anyway, I’m not sure what the future holds for us. I think we are both willing to put in the work, but it’s going to be rough. He has way more work to do than I do, so hopefully he gets to it. I started reading “Not “Just Friends”” that someone suggested and it is so good so far. I am hoping that it will help shed some light on things and help me move forward whether that be with him or alone.
Please only comment with helpful comments. I am in a very vulnerable state 💗