I’ve (35f) ‘emotionally’ cheated on my husband (38m) with someone (35m) I didn’t like/want and I don’t know how to repair it.
I’ve been with my husband six years. No issues in the past. Only thing is at the beginning of our dating he lied and said he wasn’t talking to his ex and he did message her and I caught him out. But aside from that all has been smooth.
The last month or two I’ve been going through the process of being diagnosed with level 1 autism. I have no friends. I re connected with a friend from school who I know has autism and told him. We bonded over it and talked about it a lot and our experiences. After 2 weeks he said he wished we had probably dated in highschool when we liked each other. I said I regret not giving it a go back then and I’m sorry I rejected him in a rude way but I’m very happy right now in my marriage and he said he’s happy in his life too. It got nostalgic for a few messages. He got a bit romantic and I ignored it and pivoted to other talk.
I should’ve cut it off entirely here but I didnt because I have no friends and having a friend AND someone who also has autism made me feel good. So I stuck around. We had coffee and just talked about our lives, no issues, said goodbye. Won’t see each other again probably for years. But did keep messaging about our lives. Sent him a message and said for the sake of our friendship we shouldnt talk about nostalgic stuff anymore and he agreed.
Then a few days later my husband gets very upset. Overnight he had a feeling and broke into my phone and read some of our messages and my notes entries. He saw the worst of it (and not when I made the small boundaries). Anyway it’s blown up. I’ve told him I have no desire or love for this person other than a friend but I do admit it got nostalgic and I said I wish I dealt with us better back in high school and I know it’s wrong. I said sorry but also please don’t think it’s more than that.
He told me I’ve cheated, then said affair, then went back on it and said emotionally pushed boundaries which I agree with. But then said cheated again, and couldn’t seem to see that I had no desire for anything with this person and that I realised I messed up and should’ve ended our chats when the guy got flirty and nostalgic. I fucked up. I was lonely and sad and liked that he made me with autism feel seen. I messaged the guy and said I can’t speak to him anymore.
Anyway now my husband is very upset, removed me off find my friends, and is saying he no longer trusts me. I understand I’ve made a huge mistake. I feel so upset and my autism is making me spiral and have meltdowns and I have hurt myself. I am outside right now thinking bad things. I don’t know what to do next. I love my husband so much and just want to make things right. I feel so stupid and so much shame.
TLDR - I (35f) emotionally ‘cheated’ with someone I don’t like or have desire for but felt a bond with due to autism and now my husband (38m) is saying I’ve cheated and I don’t know what to do next