r/SupportforBetrayed

Six years ago, it was my great misfortune to find myself in need of the advice from the various members of this unfortunate club. I wish I could say that I followed every piece of advice that the folks here gave me but I can say that the advice I received here was invaluable. However, that throwaway account is long since lost in the digital ether and as much as I wish I could offer an individual, personalized thank you to every single person who offered their help, insight, and advice, that isn't possible. In my mind, the next best thing is paying it forward. What follows is my best attempt to do so.

NB: I write from my own perspective--namely, the perspective of a betrayed husband--and thus all pronouns referring to the unfaithful spouse are feminine.

In the immediate aftermath of an affair (or affairs) being discovered or disclosed, one of the earliest and most persistent questions a betrayed spouse will ask themselves is "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" (cue Mick Jones' vocals). I cannot tell you what to do. That's a decision that you and you alone have to make. What I can do is tell you what you need to know if you decide to stay:

If you stay, you need to know that the odds are stacked against you. From what I've seen and from what I've lived, in order to find a reconciliation that ends in a genuinely better marriage you'll have to start by searching for a chupacabra and then hope you trip over a unicorn and land on a "our marriage is better than ever" reconciliation. The odds are much stronger that if you do manage to stay together, you'll spend the rest of the marriage walking with a metaphorical limp. Those brief, passing touches? The casual way your wife leaned into you? They're going to make you flinch for months and then they disappear entirely.

If you stay, you need to know that you'll never get the marriage you were promised the day you said your vows. That marriage was taken out behind the barn and put down like a lame horse. You also need to know that the future you could have had together the day you exchanged vows is impossible now. Your wife's affair has changed all of that. You will never be able to love her as recklessly and as surely as you did before you found out what she was doing behind your back.

If you stay, you'll insist on a full disclosure. But the reality is that you never be certain that you know the whole truth of what happened. You'll remind yourself constantly that human memory is frail at best and that there's absolutely nothing you can do about memory fading as time passes. But every single time you hear "I don't remember" you'll never be able to lose sight of just how convenient that is for her. She gets to not remember while you get to never forget.

If you stay, you need to know that your sleep is never going to be quite right again. The nightmares will be even more intense than the nightmares you had after OEF1; in fact, on the bad nights your nightmares will be a jumble of images: firefights in the Shah-i-Kot intercut with your wife having sex with her fifteen different affair partners. But even apart from the nightmares and the sleep disturbances--even on the nights you actually get decent sleep--you're going to wake up angry (to one degree or another).

If you stay, you'll have to listen to her rewrite the history of the marriage when she speaks to your friends and family. And you stand by and grit your teeth and say nothing because you're both too good-hearted to expose her to shame and ridicule and because you're buried in your own shame. You're reputation will take a potentially unrecoverable hit while hers stays unaffected.

If you stay, you're never going to hear her take the slightest responsibility for the way her affairs devastated your future. All the work you did to get two Master's degrees and a Ph.D? The hundreds of hours studying for licensure and ordination, the preparation to stand on the floor of a presbytery meeting and survive a floor exam in theology that took five-and-a-half hours? All of that is meaningless now. There isn't a church anywhere in your end of the Christian spectrum that will touch you with a ten-foot pole and your degrees are meaningless in a secular job market.

If you stay, you will figure out most of your triggers eventually--her car, her hairdryer, her North Face jacket, her watch--and so many of them will be unexpected. The tools you've spent hundreds of dollars and months learning to implement in IC will help but then one night she'll get home late from work and you'll see her standing on the front porch, framed by the window in your front door and it will hit you: she's a trigger too.

If you stay, you need to know that even after five years, full disclosure, her putting in time with an IC, you putting in time with an IC, and both of you putting in time with a MC, you're still going to find yourself waking up in the middle of the night and wondering how long it will be until she has the next affair. At other times you'll be overwhelmed with the suspicion that something is off and you'll find yourself in the floor having a panic attack.

If you stay, she'll come with you to the diagnostic assessment where you're diagnosed with autism at forty-two years-old; then you'll hear her blame her affairs on your autism during a marriage counseling session and you'll watch, horrified, as the marriage counselor asks you how you think your autism contributed to your wife's affair. And after five years of effort, thousands of dollars, and a strict accounting of all of your losses, you'll walk away and have to live with being seen as the bad guy.

I'm not trying to convince you to walk away from your marriage and I'm quite obviously not anti-reconciliation if I put in five years of work trying to make the marriage work. As a betrayed spouse, you and only you are in a position to do the hard calculus and decide whether to pursue reconciliation or to pursue divorce. Whichever one you choose, I want you to know that I'm in your corner. If you decide to stay, I hope you get the incredible, reconciled marriage that all of us dream(ed) of. If you go, I hope your freedom is as liberating and restorative as you dream.

Leaving is hard.

Staying is hard.

But you need to know that if you stay, this is one possible outcome.

Many thanks to all of you who helped and supported me along the way. I think y'all are pretty damned awesome.

TLDR: My last post was deleted. My husband (56) had an incident 5 years ago where he kissed a co worker while on a work trip with her. He deleted everything so l couldn't prove that anything more happened. Things have mostly gone back to normal but he came to me a couple of days ago crying that he got someone pregnant, but wont tell me who she is so I'm unsure if its the same woman or someone else. (I'm almost positive its the same AP)

I really want to stay and make things work with him. Has anyone been in a similar situation where they have been able to make it work with a child involved?

I found out WH (56) had been cheating late 2022 with a co worker half our age. We have been married for 36 years at that point.

I figure they have been sleeping together for over a year because he stopped touching me (Going as long as 10+ months without any intimacy), pulled away from me completely, and would disappear for 12+ hours a couple times a week. I have never had a reason not to trust him so I didnt want to question him. I had also never checked his phone

He didn't admit to anything more than a kiss. They were on a work trip together when I found out. That day I called and he said he wanted to end things because we no longer have any chemistry and it's not working out. When he got back, I begged and begged him to stay and something snapped - he said he would stay. He deleted everything so I wasn't able to get any proof that it wasnt anything more than just a kiss. Over the years, I have mostly swept it under the rug but still have some triggering moments - He doesnt really help because he says I'm just "attacking him and not moving past it"

He has done some very questionable things since initial discovery:

- He still doesn't initiate sex and looks away when we do have sex. I've asked why he doesn't touch me anymore and he says he's not attracted to me. I'm getting older and on the bigger side, but Ive been this weight my entire life, what changed?

- Changes his phone password and wont tell me what it is. He ends up telling me only after I grill him about it.

- He's disappeared a few times for a few hours without answering his phone - says he was with a mutual male friend but I never called to confirm.

When I get upset, he asks why I'm acting this way. I am mostly able to calm myself down because he wont "argue" with me. Admittedly, when I get triggered, I lash out on him and he gives me space to calm down until I'm able to sweep it under the rug again.

Even after all of this, I was certain he wouldn't do anything again, especially after seeing the devastation I went through the first time. Yesterday he told me that he got someone pregnant and he doesn't know what to do. He wont tell me who the fuck she is so I'm not sure if it's the same or a new AP. I don't know what to do. I am beside myself. Idk what I'm looking for here. Advice and support are both appreciated.

Sorry my post is all over the place

I’m the gf and my bf of 14 months has been cheating with a woman who is engaged and about to be married in June. I don’t know the fiancee and have never met this woman. I was cheated on in my marriage.

Do I tell him so he has all of the information (regardless of the outcome) or should I not?

Would you want to know?

Did you inform the other party? And is so, was it a good decision for YOU.

My partner cheated on me near the beginning of our relationship with her ex. The physical cheating lasted about a month, and the emotional overlap lasted longer.

Since then, there has been a lot of pain, but also real effort. We have done a lot of talking, therapy, and repair work, and I do believe she has been trying to rebuild trust through her actions.

The problem is that even after 11 months, my sexual confidence still feels badly damaged.

What seems hardest to explain is that this is not just about being hurt by the cheating itself. It is also about the sexual comparisons, humiliation, and loss of confidence that came with what I later learned. Since then, sex has not felt mentally safe in the same way. For a while I could barely function at all. That has improved, but I still do not feel like myself.

I still get in my head during sex sometimes. I do not feel as confident or as physically responsive as I used to. I also have a hard time believing reassurance, even when she says things are better now.

So I am trying to understand:

Has anyone else had betrayal affect them this way sexually for this long? Did it eventually improve? What actually helped rebuild confidence and a sense of safety again? Is it normal for this kind of relationship trauma to affect erections, performance, finishing faster, or just feeling disconnected during sex?

I am trying to understand what recovery really looks like here, not just whether I should stay or leave.

Like it’s not just the pain of what happened. It’s that you suddenly don’t recognize the life you thought you were living. The version of yourself that trusted that person, that built things with them, that felt safe, she feels like a stranger now. And you’re left trying to figure out who you are on the other side of it. Still in that process honestly. Anyone else know this feeling?

Well, the title says it all.

I don’t feel like I’m ready to start the process of divorce.

My husband cheated on me, and some immediate family and friends know.

We’re in therapy, CC and IC.

We share kids.

So much of what I dreamt is gone. I thoroughly feel embarrassed about this all, and I really long to feel like I love someone, and feel that they love me too. And most definitely wouldn’t destroy our family.

I don’t think I’ll ever be fine here in my current marriage. I could deal with it, but I’m missing out emotionally.

It all eats me up.

Last year my husband(26m) had came to me(27f) and told me about his affair with a coworker, it was the first and only time he’s cheated throughout our whole relationship. I had my suspicions but I mean who wants to think that about their partner right?? Out of guilt he told me, I never once brought it up or questioned him even with my suspicions. I’m a SAHM, we were having a rough year, ppd really got to me and he was working long hours(overnights) and we were both just miserable. But ofc instead of talking to each other he confided in someone else. Anyways.. he told me and ofc I was sooo hurt and upset, he broke it off with AP and i told him he either quits his job or im leaving with our 2yr old etc. idk I remember that night but also it’s kind of a blur. He quit his job right then and there, cut off contact with AP, even when she would try to reach out afterwards he would show me the messages(he would never respond) and then delete and block. She would message from different numbers so that’s how she would always be able to message again until it stopped. He wanted to try to make things work and by him telling me everything and quitting his job with no hesitation and cutting off contact I thought, okay I guess we can try(we’ve been together 10yrs, married for 2 at the time) he wasn’t hiding anything anymore he would tell me everything and now a year later he still is actually trying.. but some days idk, some days I feel like I should’ve just left and other days I feel like we’re starting to move forward even with my bad days.. and tbh sometimes I feel like I might just be scared to be alone/single mom and that’s what’s keeping me with him, but again I have days where I see he’s trying and I feel like we can be okay. He’s such a great father to our child, and he’s been good and patient with me through this entire healing process(as he should), but it’s just always in the back of my mind. I just don’t know, today has just been kind of an off day for me and I would just like some support.. also sorry for the long post, if you’ve made it to the end, thank you for reading.

I’ve been with my husband 10 years (married 3). Recently found out he’s been living a completely separate digital life the entire time.. excessive porn, OnlyFans, and a hidden collection of toy(s) he never shared with me.

Right now I’m not even sure I’m “processing.” It feels more like numbness and brain fog. I’m having a lot of anxiety and hair loss and constantly sleeping on my days off and just struggling to function day-to-day.

What’s making this worse is how he’s acting now. It’s like he’s following a script where everything is... fine? Acts normal, like nothing significant happened. Says it was “boredom” or “religious repression." Redirects serious conversations into random logistics (chores, house stuff, etc.)

When I try to talk about the impact, he asks things like “Are we good?” or “What’s the pressing issue?”

It makes me feel like I’m experiencing something huge, and he’s treating it like a minor inconvenience that can be checked off a list. He apologizes, but then he'll say things like "I'm not sure what you want me to do?"

I’m currently taking space soon, visiting family for a few days but mentally I feel stuck. I keep wanting to ask him more questions to understand the full picture, even though it just seems to make things worse.

I could really use perspective from people who’ve been through something similar:

1. How do you stop the urge to keep digging/“figuring it out,” especially when you feel like they don’t fully grasp the damage?

2. How did you function through the brain fog and physical symptoms?

3. If you left after long-term betrayal, what helped you actually move from stuck to action?

I feel pretty alone in this and would appreciate any real experiences.

I’ve been in these infidelity spaces for a while now, and I often see BP’s struggling with the same painful questions. Wondering if their WP is happier with the AP. Questioning their own self-worth. Asking themselves what they did wrong. Enduring the emotional torture of watching their ex build a new life with the person who helped destroy theirs.

I want to offer some perspective through my own lived experience.

My grandfather cheated on my grandmother. They had four children together…three teenagers and young adults, and one toddler.

My grandfather was the kind of WP who ran from the wreckage he left behind. He abandoned his wife and children. His older children cut ties with him for ten years. His youngest grew up without a father until he was fifteen.

My grandfather married his AP. They stayed married until he died… over forty years.

And yet, from where I stood, my grandfather did not live a happy life.

Even after he eventually reconciled with his children and extended family, his wife was never truly accepted. She was tolerated. She could never shake the label of homewrecker.

Our family was respectful… she was included in events, no one was outwardly cruel…but every time she walked into a room, she carried that history with her. The first thought in everyone’s mind was always how their relationship began.

People never forgot the trauma that was left behind. Trauma that didn’t stay in that generation… it trickled down, leaving marks on grandchildren who weren’t even born when the affair happened.

Our family lived two separate lives. One with my grandmother, one with my grandfather and his wife. There was deep resentment that it even had to be that way…and none of that resentment was directed at my grandmother. All of it fell on him and the woman he ended up with.

The grandchildren understood exactly what role she played in our family not because anyone formally told us, but because it was simply obvious.

I grew up watching my mother…someone who genuinely loved holidays and celebrations… spend the days leading up to every special occasion consumed by anxiety. Her siblings were the same.

The presence of my grandfather’s wife cast a shadow over every gathering. The fact that their mother couldn’t be in the same space as my grandfather was a constant source of pain, worry, and resentment for all of them.

My grandfather and his wife lived their entire lives knowing that the tension and anxiety surrounding them was because of them. Because of how they began.

I truly believe my grandfather stayed with this woman not out of deep, chosen love, but because he felt he had no other option. The life he had destroyed had to be proven worth destroying. The trauma he caused had to mean something.

He didn’t choose her over my grandmother in any triumphant sense… he simply felt there was nothing left to go back to. The shame would always be there.

And even if reconciliation had been attempted, it wouldn’t have been my grandmother choosing him as he was. It would have been her choosing a version of him that had yet to exist.

His wife felt that too. You could see it. She carried that insecurity her entire life… the quiet, unspoken awareness that she wasn’t chosen so much as she was what remained.

I share all of this because I want hurting people to hear it: what you see on the surface of a WP’s new life is rarely the full picture. The ghosts don’t disappear. The ghosts linger. The wounds fester.

They know that even among friends and family who “accept” them, the first thought is always about who was betrayed.

When they have time with their children, they are reminded that their relationship is the reason those children live split, anxious lives.

Even their grandchildren will one day understand what happened… and see, decades later, the weight it still carries.

You cannot build a truly happy life on the foundation of someone else’s pain.

WP’s who leave for an AP, very rarely do the work on themselves to actually become a better person. A person of integrity. They usually stay as they are, with the person (AP) who will allow them to stay that same broken person… because that’s the way they got them, by being broken.

I (27F) found out a year ago that my entire history with my husband (32M) has been built on a lie. We have known each other since 2017, and I spent years believing we were building a future based on mutual sacrifice. In reality, he spent those years hiding a double life while I was making sacrifices for "us".

We were long-distance for 20 months while he worked abroad to save for our "future and wedding" as this was one of his goals and dreams, which I didn't agree with but compromised to make him happy. This was during the COVID lockdowns. While I was home being loyal to him, waiting around for him while finishing my degree and planning our life, he was making choices that destroyed us:

The History of Betrayal

The First Affair (2018): Just two months into our relationship, he had a one-night stand on New Year’s Eve with a girl who pursued him while they were both drunk in a party. They then met on-and-off for 4 months. He admitted he liked her, but it was mostly physical. He eventually had her stay at his place for 20 days, distancing himself from me almost entirely and ignoring my texts while they were together.

The Second Affair (2021): This was a girl he knew from childhood. He started an "inappropriate friendship" abroad, ignoring our agreement not to meet female friends alone. They went on "friendship dates" and talked all the time, until I visited and we got married. He blocked her then out of guilt, but the moment I left to finish my degree so we could finally move in together, he unblocked her. It became extremely sexual, happening right as we were starting our lives as newlyweds.

I only found out a year ago because I pushed for the truth. The truth came in segments: he first lied and said it was only once. When he saw my reaction, he couldn't keep going. I pushed more, and he admitted he slept with her multiple times. After two days of me breaking down and asking for the full truth, he finally confessed everything including the second affair.

I spent weeks throwing up from flashbacks, shocked to my core. He helped me through that initial shock, and I could see he was heartbroken as well. He said he hid it to "protect my heart," choosing to live with the guilt—which clearly made him miserable—rather than tell me.

When the masks came down, we had brutal sessions, I was obsessing over the "why" we talked about all the details and after all that and some individual therapy, we realized we both come from dysfunctional families with narcissistic mothers and absent fathers. He admitted he was on his way to becoming a full-on narcissist and "wanted it all" to prove he was worthy because he was so insecure and broken.

The most crushing part, He admitted that for the 8 years we've known each other, I wasn’t his "type", He lied to my face for years. Now he says he’s "grown to love" my look because of how much he loves me, and that "he has always found very beautiful but in a different way", so my confidence is gone. When I first found out, I couldn't bear for him to touch me, but after a week, we had sex non-stop. I felt like I was claiming him as mine again, trying to overwrite what he had done.

Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant. I had a tough pregnancy and spent the entire time on total bedrest with frequent hospital visits. I was trapped in a "mental prison" with these truths while trying to care for a high-need toddler from my bed. We kept all of this a secret from everyone because he cared about his image in front of our families, friends, and especially the children as they grow up.

My Current Reality

I gave birth 3 months ago and I am struggling with Postpartum Depression and PTSD. My whole world has been shattered. I don't love him in the same way anymore; he feels like a stranger I am getting to know from scratch. We have been in therapy and learned about the trauma bond, but we’ve been on a pause for months now because of how busy we are with the kids.

I feel a deep resentment. He has changed a lot and is truly regretful, doing whatever he can to make me comfortable. However, he feels "lighter" now that the secret is out and wants to move on. He hates when we talk about it because it was traumatizing for him as well, and he wants to let go once and for all. This is incredibly hard for me, he is doing better, while I am left to do all the work to heal from something I didn’t even do.

Lately I have been losing it, I have a lot of meltdowns and breakdowns, I lose my temper with the kids and I realized I am miserable, he doesn't get why I act this way and complained a little about me being reactive and negative, I told him how I felt and he said he didn't know I felt this way still even though we talked about it recently. I feel like I will never get to be that old version of myself again, I don't know what to do.

I am in an impossible position because of my culture, where divorce is not easy and carries a heavy burden. I am a stay-at-home mom with no career path, and I physically and mentally cannot care for my two children alone, especially with my high-need oldest. He is "owning up" and is a great help lately, but if he is out of my sight, I panic. I don’t trust his words, yet I am completely dependent on him to survive.

I look at him and wonder: Is this love, or am I just stuck because it's familiar? Is it just that I have nowhere else to go? How do you move forward when you realize the person you loved for 8 years never actually existed, but you need the "new" version of him just to keep your head above water?

​

Long story short - had a bad childhood and then a toxic wife who cheated on me and then her entire family blamed me thinking all proofs are deleted and then left without allowing me to contact kids

My parents came home to live with me but instead of helping they were everything but opposite.

My mom who already has issues would constantly keep telling i made a big mistake by not forgiving my cheating and taunt me . I try to ignore but at times i blow off .

My dad would always poke into things if i try to explain all the bad things she did and then for every time we talk he will bring random things and blame me

My sister stopped talking to me because she is angry that i couldn't let that cheating slide for the sake of kids and I tried to call her 3 times but she didn't even bother to listen what happened and kept interrupting

Recently my mother started acting erratic and kept telling me again and again. She started talking about symptoms so we took her to the doctor and they made her admit it for 2 days . They arranged a psychiatrist but she was arguing with them that her son made a big mistake despite them trying to reason

After she came home , she would constantly make some things and then lament like she put extra salt in food despite the psychiatrist advising her not to cook but she would come and constantly tell us what to do , complain and then complain again and finally talk about me not forgiving her cheating.

I started developing chest pain and told them to leave but they made a scene . Then i told her to stay in my sister's house for a few days and we will go to a top rated hospital and get her treated .

Yesterday she called and said she can't live in my sister's house and she wants to come back. I firmly said no and she started telling me I'm ruining my niece's life by making her stay there etc . And how that world famous government hospital is not good because my sister said so .

Now they are saying they want to go to native place even though I've begged them to leave a year ago and now my father is accusing me of not treating them properly, not understanding, his lesson for staying in kids house at old age etc

I'm not sure if I'm right anymore because every time we have a fight my dad would ask " so your mom is wrong your dad is wrong, your wife is wrong your sister is wrong, your kids are wrong but you alone are right"

I may be a mental case or i just happened to have parents who are ready to support a cheating daughter-in-law just for society and not listen to his son's plea.

I think I'd rather die alone because 2 years is enough time for anyone to actually understand their son's feelings and act accordingly instead of even fighting with doctors over how they are right and I'm wrong

Sorry for this long rant, I hope the dark clouds are finally over me

An additional betrayal is nothing you held special or sacred really remains. The restaurant you went to annually to celebrate birthdays, dates, or breakfast spot. The place you guys drove together. Small things you held that you thought they would do only with you and they do it like nothing with someone else.

It's an intentional steady erasure and unwillingly you feel obligated to participate. Taking back nicknames, reclaiming old places and spaces with new memories. What was, was but now no longer is and holding space to broken memories just seems pointless when moving forward.

I dont want to remember a place as, "me and my ex used to.." but rather, "this is my..." favorite place for lobster rolls, favorite breakfast place, artist, song... etc.

Hi all, throwaway account to keep anonymity. This will be a long post, so apologies in advance and thanks to everyone who reads it.

I'm looking for support and some advice on what to do going forward. To be clear I am not wanting to leave the marriage if there is hope of fixing it, but I am prepared to if its the only answer.

I (38m) and my wife (37f) have been married for 9 years and together 14. We have 2 kids together (9 and 6).

We had a rough start to the marriage with my parents causing issues and trying to get me to leave as they were not keen on my wife. My parents were very controlling and not particularly nice people. I excised them from my life for me, and partially for her as it was causing huge amounts of upset and anxiety. I havent spoken to them in years. I mention this as I think it had a huge effect on our marriage going forward.

We married in 2017 and things seemed to be going great until Covid hit in 2020. I was working on an ambulance at the time, it was stressful and I was out of the house a lot. Obviously she was stuck in the house during lockdown and pregnant, she was also stuck at home with 2 small children after our youngest was born.

Towards the end of the year I discovered that she had been having an emotional affair with an ex boyfriend (from years before we met), and that she had met up with him at least once when she was visiting family in our home town. I only saw a couple of messages and she confessed to having had an emotional affair and sexting, with pictures sent between them (some of the pictures were very explicit, with toys etc) but she had deleted them before I could read all the messages and make sense of what had happened. She swore blind that it was only ever over messages and that they hadn't been physical when they met up at his house. I foolishly reached out to the AP and he apologised and also said that they hadn't had sex.

We rugswept and I accepted that it was over. She was talking to him again a month later on Snapchat and I packed my bag and left. I eventually returned home after some long conversations and I believed that this was it dealt with and we could move on. Things did genuinely improve and I thought our marriage was doing great for years.

We have moved back to our hometown to be closer to her family and for work. We both have good jobs, and I was promoted. However, the stress levels have increased due to the demands of the roles and our marriage had begun to suffer. She did say that she needed me to be more focused on the family, as I was working long hours and trying to make sure I was being a success in my new role. I was getting very stressed and burnt out by it, which obviously didn't help.

I discovered that she has been having another affair at the beginning of March. I saw a single message whole she had the phone on her hand, and didnt confront her straight away. She deleted the entire chat at that point thinking I'd seen it. I was in disbelief and thought I'd seen something completely out of context. I didnt sleep all night. If I'd snooped it wouldn't have mattered, she'd already deleted it.

I confronted her the next morning and she admitted it straight away. She admitted she had been having an affair since November 25, with someone she had met at work (works in a different department). She had been messaging him and going out for walks once or twice a week with him when I was at work, and she said that she had been falling in love with him. I knew about the walks. I thought he was just a friend from work.

They apparently had oral sex once, on my sofa (he gave her oral) and some time kissing and using his hands when they went for walks. They also went for breakfast dates. She also took my children out on a day out with him and his wife and their children, after they had kissed and told each other the loved each other. She said they said it often.

She had also planned days out with all of us. She says she doesn't really know why she did this or what she hope to achieve. She also says that he wanted her tonleave me for him and that she didn't want to. I dont think it was for my sake, but because she wants the relatively comfortable life we have.

We are now several weeks post discovery, she is doing some of the work to help me heal. It took 2 weeks and a massive argument for her to block him, but she did. She has deleted everything to do with the affair before I could see it, and its not recoverable.

We have talked, lots and she seems genuinely remorseful most of the time. She has been clear, and so have I thatbthe affair was her fault. However, she isn't doing all the work I want and we aren't in a position to afford therapy, but she does answer questions if I ask. On th other side I have listened to multiple books, podcasts and videos, and read tons of resources in the last few weeks. Literally everyday im reading or listeing to something to try and get through this. She is reading some things, but won't listen/read to the books and I havent mentioned doing a couples workbook. She is also really reluctant to give me full, unsupervised access to her phone and always seems to want to talk about the relational issues we had and how we're going to fix those, instead of what concrete steps she is going to take to fix things. I've asked for a timeline as there are no messages etc, but she hasn't done one yet.

I am really struggling to believe that I have been told everything about the affair, or that I will ever really know the full extent of what happened. Im also realkybstruggling with working out of she is truly remorseful or just faking reconciliation. I do sometimes feel thatbshe just wants me to get over it, although she hasn't said that. She does want to have sex all the time and is doing things she hasn't done with me for a long time. I dont feel bad after having sex, and its always been something i need for connection. I worry by doing it that I am letting her think things are OK, when they aren't.

What do I need to do to get through this? I will be incredibly grateful to anyone who can give me some advice or support. And sorry for the rambling.

It feels surreal to even write this post.

I have been with my partner for 6 years. I received a dm from a girl I didn't know 2 weeks ago saying that months ago he hit her up to flirt, exchanged nudes and didn't disclose he had a partner. I am stunned and have cried on and off every day since I found out. He cheated during a very stressful period in my life last year including a job layoff, death in the family, and other things. I want to add that during this period I maintained our relationship and support for him.

This relationship has been good in some ways and very hard in others. The good doesn't overshadow the hard anymore. We both come from dysfunctional families, and those dynamics inform how we operate. He has serious childhood trauma. I have been in therapy to develop coping mechanisms; he refuses to go, citing bad experiences in youth and numbs himself with whatever dopamine source he finds. Much of our dynamic was me helping him regulate, supporting him in grad school, cooking for him etc. I think of how much effort and judgment-free support I've provided in helping this grown man function as a grown man and feel hurt and pissed. We've been on the rocks for two years, I wish he had just dumped me instead of doing this.

I had previously asked that we delay getting engaged and married to get a bit more stable and save more $$. He has been pushing for us to get married for half of our relationship. I have had concerns about our dynamic so kept asking for group therapy, prompting conversations, etc. Met with shutdowns, minimizing, being told I am being too emotional and holding us back. I am most hurt by this, because he has been guilting me about us not getting engaged yet while most of his friends from college are married and starting families. I have felt so bad about feeling "not ready" and feeling guilty about gut feelings and had convinced myself I was just "asking for too much." He's been pushing me on this even this week, and it's hurting me knowing that he's saying this while actively hiding this betrayal. FOR THE LAST YEAR!

I want to confront him but feel torn on timing. I have not yet confronted him as I am trying to be mindful of his work travel schedule and some professional and familial stressors occurring this month. I am also being a little selfish because I have some big work trips coming up, and I don't want to be without his support. :( So far it has worked to keep to myself and I am keeping up the act but it is getting very painful to keep this to just myself. Only my therapist knows. Telling friends and family them makes it more real. In theory I should be able to confront him whenever, but I feel a mental block. I want to be ready for the dynamic to change...I'm scared I am not.

Anyway: I'd benefit from hearing from others who have tried to time a confrontation with respect for the betrayed and betrayer's schedule and stressors. My goal is an amicable split, this relationship is over for me. What would you do, or what have you done? What questions helped you determine your timing? What helped you plan mentally? Thank you :(

I’m a 33M.

I’m looking for outside perspectives on a situation. I’m going to lay out the sequence of events as clearly as I can.

My partner and I have been together for 14+ years.

I’m far from perfect, there’s been many ways I’ve showed up poorly but always been loyal, treated her family as my own. I helped her to care for three of her grandparents for years. I took months and months away from everything to be in another state to support that process numerous times, across multiple states. I was very close with the grandma who died last (the one from above). She died on my birthday.

I also put a ton of effort into care for that grandmother and was very close with her, and her death was very hard for me.

I also helped her mom move out of state and spent two weeks getting her new apartment fixed up.

I’ve offered imperfect support and presence continuously even when I had rough patches in life and was always there for her no matter what crisises came up in her life. Both her parents having issues included.

This is not to say I’m without fault at all. Ive showed up imperfectly and unintentionally hurtful using a lot of weed etc and other things for years. I started personal therapy 4+ years ago and began to make rapid progress and growth in myself.

This was not a shallow relationship, which is why I’m including this condensed context.

Context around the start of this period

Right before this timeframe, her grandmother who she was very close to died in a traumatic way. We were there for it. It was a hard night.

Her behavior shifted rapidly soon after her grandmother died, roughly around the time of the yoga incident. I don’t know if that was coincidence.

She distanced herself from me and it felt like I was placed on the fringe of her world.

During this time I tried to stay present and connect with her but struggled due to how hurt and scared I felt. After a while I also pulled back, while still trying to connect in practice.

Timeline (August to February)

Early phase (starting around August)

A male coworker showed interest in her.

He initially said

“you should let me take you out”

He asked her out twice.

Both times she says she responded

“No, I can’t do that, I’m in a relationship”

They continued interacting at work.

At one point they were talking about fitness. She told him about her morning yoga routine.

He responded

“I’m going to come”

She says she did not give him the specific address of the studio. She believes she may have described the general area while talking about it.

She says she didn’t think he would actually come, but he did show up.

She also said that during this period there were other men she was flirtatious with and that she was acting more openly.

She has referred to some of their interactions as “flirting.”

When I asked her to describe what those interactions looked like, she said

He would make sexual comments

She would not know how to respond

She would laugh or giggle

Then walk away or disengage

Around November open relationship discussions

Around November, she began bringing up the idea of an open relationship.

The open relationship discussion started happening around November and felt increasingly pressured like panic the second and third time she brought it up.

The first time she brought it up, I was clear and said that I don’t think that our relationship had a solid enough foundation, and that our communication skills were not where they needed to be based on my reading and research on open relationship dynamics.

I did say however I would like to understand what her unmet needs were regarding wanting the open relationship.

She talked about connections with other people and I said okay feel free to connect with other people, that is important but no sexual contact etc.

I asked her directly if there was someone specific involved.

She said no.

The third time she came to me again I gave a similar answer to no avail and then shutdown the conversation and said I’m not having this conversation this way and walked away.

Boundary incident

At work one day, he touched her shoulders.

She says she physically cornered him and said

“the flirting was fun but don’t touch me”

He initially said okay.

A few minutes later, while she was sitting and eating, he came up behind her, grabbed her neck, and said

“I’m not going to stop”

She says she remembers her stomach dropping like an elevator.

She also reports having a thought in that moment

“that was hot”

She has said this was the last point where she remembers clearly thinking about the situation.

Escalation over multiple days

After that incident, the following occurred over several days

He grabbed her butt

He kissed her

A day or two later, he came up behind her, put his hand down her pants, and fingered her

She describes the fingering as forceful.

She also reports having a thought during that

“maybe it’s supposed to feel like that”

At one point

He said something like “when are we going to fuck”

She didn’t hear him clearly and said “what?”

He responded angrily “what did you say to me, come here” and took her outside

She recalls responding something like

“okay whatever yeah whenever”

Day before sex

He asked her to come to his car for a “taste.”

She says she said no.

Day of sex

He approached her and told her

“this is what your going to do, your going to change your break to xx time ( to line up with his) and your going to meet me in the parking lot by my car.”

She says she responded

“okay if we are going to do this do you have condoms and what’s your std status?”

He responded

“cmon your gonna make me wrap it up”

He also said

“I had an std scare last year but it checked out ok I’m not worried about it”

She then went to her own car first and put her things away, then walked to his car and got in.

He told her to get into the back seat so no one would see.

He drove them to another nearby lot.

They undressed and began having sex.

During sex he slapped her in the face and asked if it was okay.

She says she told him

“cum in me”

She later explained this as not wanting him “to take anything else” from her.

It later came out that there were three separate sexual encounters.

The first was in his car as described above.

She says later that same day she went back to him saying she was trying to regain power or control or flip the script in her head. She asked him to go back to his car again. He initially said he didn’t want to. She responded that she didn’t want to push him. They ended up going back to his car and having sex again.

The third time was at his apartment.

Events shortly after

A few days after the sex happened, we were supposed to go visit her mom for a week.

She changed those plans rapidly without warning and seemed hostile toward me.

She ended up going and was violently ill the whole trip. She met up with three friends, including her best friend from high school. They all ate sushi and no one else got sick.

While she was away, I went through her texts and her Mac linked to her iMessage. This is something I had never done before.

I found one text from mid December that was sexually charged and not clearly friendly. I was able to find the address attached to the number. I left it alone at that time.

When she got back, she seemed standoffish again.

That Saturday she planned to go to a friend’s birthday party. I asked if I could come with her. She said she would get back to me and didn’t.

Around 2:30, I texted her after she got off work. No response.

I checked her location through a device I had access to and saw that it was at the same address connected to that text.

I drove there. I called and texted with no response. I stayed there for about an hour watching her location not move.

Eventually I waited by her car.

When she called me, I asked where she was. She said she stopped at a friend’s house on the way to the party.

I told her to stop lying.

She came home shortly after.

I told her this wasn’t okay and asked what happened. She said

“we just kissed”

After this the truth had to be pulled out of her like pulling teeth. Finally she admitted to sex.

I asked was a condom used. Lied.

I asked her if it was only the once lied.

I didn’t know yet about the first time at work.

We also talked and said cut the contact with him at work. I was too frazzled to attempt to say don’t go back to work at all. She felt very standoffish to me and I didn’t want to push.

Despite her saying she wouldn’t have any other contact with him, she later said they kissed again.

She also said the last thing that happened was that they were behind the building where coworkers frequent. She said he spun her around, pulled her pants down, and proceeded to perform oral sex while she said “no no no.”

Her current description

She says that after the “don’t touch me” moment and especially after the neck grab, she stopped thinking, did not think about what was happening between events, and now feels like she didn’t have a choice.

What I’m struggling to understand

What I can’t understand is why this unfolding happened over so much time. I felt like I knew something weird as fuck was going on based on her behavior but I trusted her on a core level after everything we’ve been through, after everything I’ve done for her.

It looks like there were so many points to stop this situation before the neck grab.

Even after that parts of me say think even if she froze in the moment there was time home in between. Why not do something different, say something to anyone. Not go back to work. Anything.

Impact where I am now

In the aftermath of this I’ve had a very hard time eating, sleeping, existing.

I isolated myself out of deep shame and humiliation from everyone, my parents included.

During this time my dad had some mystery illness but seemed okay. I couldn’t bear to face him and hardly saw him from February of 2025 till the next year.

It turns out he has stage four lung cancer and it moved to his spine and one day he started having problems walking. It’s been a constant battle for his health since January of this year and he’s almost died 3 times due to complications.

She’s there by my side in it and is very involved and trying pretty hard to work to repair this but I’m a mess inside.

I hear people say wow she’s so amazing (she helps to clean my dads ass because now his legs and bowels stopped functioning) but I just feel ashamed like if only you know the truth about how she acted to me.

I’m so confused.

I know parts of this were assault in my eyes

But why the fuck did it get that far when it seems like there was red flag after red flag.

I wanted to have children with her and we’ve built a great life. But the idea of some nasty asshole of a guy fucking her and coming in her tears me apart in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

When I think about the direct lies and deceit that kept me from protecting us, I seriously question her ability to navigate in the world. My mind goes into extrapolating “god forbid we had kids and this happened.”

I’m activated on a daily basis. I almost feel like what a person who’s been exposed to war and is “shell shocked” might feel like.

I’m left with a decision I don’t know how to make despite everyone who’s ever met me saying I’m one of the most intelligent people they’ve ever met.

I’m emotionally fried on a level I can’t comprehend or connect with safely because my nervous system is under what feels like constant threat.

I never ever thought something like this could happen in her and I’s world. And I feel like a fool for trusting her.

It’s a massive mess.

I feel like my entire world is shattered.

I’m so lost, my story so destroyed and I’m so dysregulated from the moment I wake up in the morning I’m bombarded with mind movies and distress that set the mood for my day. I try to sleep but I find myself trapped in the hallway of the apartment complex where I found her.

I try to have sex with her to connect but immediately after feel crushed and sick. I often ask her how could you do that with someone else.

Questions

How do you interpret this sequence of events?

Does “stopped thinking” across multiple days align with anything you’ve seen or experienced?

How would you categorize a situation like this?

I’m looking for outside perspectives.

I’m 52F, he’s 50M. We’ve been together for 21 years and have two children. Ten years ago, he cheated. I made the choice to stay and I did the work. We tried counseling; he dropped out, but I kept going for myself. I truly thought we had built a life on the other side of that.

I was wrong.

I recently found his phone, and my entire world collapsed. It wasn't just a slip-up; it was years of hidden lives. He never actually stopped. I found dating sites and an escort app that I’m certain he was using. The messages were to random women, younger women—a constant hunt for excitement and some pathetic fantasy.

The most jarring part is the man in those messages. I don’t recognize him. The way he writes, the things he says—it’s like he’s a total stranger. He was also messaging old flames from college and women in our town. Just endless, inappropriate, disgusting betrayals.

I’m starting to see the patterns now: the low self-esteem, the dismissive-avoidant behavior, the complete inability to communicate. He has rocked my world to the core, yet he won’t tell me why. He’s shut down and tight-lipped, clearly scared that any truth he gives me will be used against him in court.

I have spoken to a few lawyers, but I haven't made any final decisions yet. I am terrified of the financial impact this will have. After 21 years of building a life together, the thought of the unknown is paralyzing. He has been lying to me for so long that I don’t even know what’s real anymore, including our financial security.

I am devastated. What hurts the most is that after all the lies and the absolute disgust I feel for his actions, my love for him is still there. It feels like a curse. I know deep down I need to move on. I can’t do another ten years of "working" for both of us while he lives a double life.

How do you walk away from 21 years when you’re scared of the future and still love the man you thought he was?

First off, I’ve come to this thread before for hope and inspiration but have never posted. Thank you to all who share your journeys, your perspectives and support. ❤️

We’ve been together for 20years and there’s been 3 situations (one full blown affair 10years ago). Most recently I discovered a texting thread and my wife was slow to shut it down, needed closure, said nothing would have happened between her and the guy. The texting was about her needing an escape, a rush and she doesn’t even like the guy.

We have kids.

We’ve healed from worse in the past.

1. Part of me feels pathetic staying with her and loving her. Listening to her process and deal with her stuff.

2. If I continue to stay, I am signing up to be hurt again. And probably again.

3. She said tonight “I get it! You want me to care more about us and I need you to care less about us.”

I don’t even know what I’m looking for from this post just needed to get it out. Laying in bed at 3am, can’t sleep.

Looking for next steps. Don't know if I want to reconcile or not. My partner and I have been married for 24 years. Her shame about her unfaithfulness has resulted in mountains of lies, cover-ups and gaslighting. I hate the idea of the EMS weekends. I am a person of deeply rooted faith and just know the audacity and pride of church programs to think they can "fix" you in a weekend. I need a slower approach. I have a personal therapist and we have been doing EMDR. The EMDR has stirred heaps of pain and forced me to see more betrayals along the way. I have to review all of the memories in a new light that the 2 people I trusted most in this world both betrayed me (progressively and for decades). He was my childhood best friend, and best man at my wedding and an aggressive predator to my wife and she capitulated. I am so scared of being alone! I have never been single. Is it difficult for a mid 40s guy who has deep faith, fit and balding to find serious women to date? Any suggestions how to do disclosure without spending thousands? Money has been tough through our marriage and I have always been the sole income. Thanks for this great place!

I feel kind of pathetic even writing this, but I need to know if anyone actually understands.

I’m trying to stay in my marriage after being betrayed. My husband leans avoidant and I’m more anxious. When we connect, I feel okay again. When he pulls back—even a little—I spiral and feel like my happiness depends on him reconnecting with me.

What’s hard is I’m putting a lot of effort into working on myself—therapy, meds, journaling, trying to communicate better—while he tends to cope by distracting or avoiding. He’s told me he struggles to open up to me because I used to talk over him, which I understand and am trying to change. But now I feel stuck trying to give him space while also feeling frustrated and unsure of where he stands.

Most people say they stay for the kids. But it’s just us.

So how do you stay in something like this without losing yourself or feeling like your emotional stability depends on them?

Just a journal entry from last night

“I came to you just wanting to be listened to and it turned into you telling me my emotions are too much and I burn you out, you stated I have no regard for what’s going on with you or in your life and that i expect the best but don’t come nearly close when giving it. Oh and apparently my healing has a timeline because if I’m not over it in a year in your words “wtf are we doing”.

I came to you for a listening ear and I’m the hypocrite, the dick and the one who needs to get over it. Alright oh and apparently when I cry I’m weaponizing my emotions”

Partner states I am emotionally overwhelming him and that it’s “always something” no matter how hard he tries and that emotionally I suck. The night ended in him saying “you’re stronger then you give yourself credit for and sometimes I’m not as strong as you give me credit for” the night ended with him trying to settle me down and us saying our I love yous.

I cannot help feeling disregarded completely as I was just trying to share my feeling about how I’ve been struggling more recently with ruminating thoughts. I didn’t want more answers or for him to fix anything. I just wanted him to listen. It started off well

With him saying “we’re fine, you have nothing to worry about. I’ve been showing you through actions were ok” and he blew up and started saying how I am emotionally too much for him, how I expect so much and give so little. I just don’t understand how me wanting to be hard turned into how I’m awful in so many ways to him.