Found out about husband’s secret porn/OF life...
I’ve been with my husband 10 years (married 3). Recently found out he’s been living a completely separate digital life the entire time.. excessive porn, OnlyFans, and a hidden collection of toy(s) he never shared with me.
Right now I’m not even sure I’m “processing.” It feels more like numbness and brain fog. I’m having a lot of anxiety and hair loss and constantly sleeping on my days off and just struggling to function day-to-day.
What’s making this worse is how he’s acting now. It’s like he’s following a script where everything is... fine? Acts normal, like nothing significant happened. Says it was “boredom” or “religious repression." Redirects serious conversations into random logistics (chores, house stuff, etc.)
When I try to talk about the impact, he asks things like “Are we good?” or “What’s the pressing issue?”
It makes me feel like I’m experiencing something huge, and he’s treating it like a minor inconvenience that can be checked off a list. He apologizes, but then he'll say things like "I'm not sure what you want me to do?"
I’m currently taking space soon, visiting family for a few days but mentally I feel stuck. I keep wanting to ask him more questions to understand the full picture, even though it just seems to make things worse.
I could really use perspective from people who’ve been through something similar:
How do you stop the urge to keep digging/“figuring it out,” especially when you feel like they don’t fully grasp the damage?
How did you function through the brain fog and physical symptoms?
If you left after long-term betrayal, what helped you actually move from stuck to action?
I feel pretty alone in this and would appreciate any real experiences.