u/Mysterious_Time_8656

I (27F) found out a year ago that my entire history with my husband (32M) has been built on a lie. We have known each other since 2017, and I spent years believing we were building a future based on mutual sacrifice. In reality, he spent those years hiding a double life while I was making sacrifices for "us".

We were long-distance for 20 months while he worked abroad to save for our "future and wedding" as this was one of his goals and dreams, which I didn't agree with but compromised to make him happy. This was during the COVID lockdowns. While I was home being loyal to him, waiting around for him while finishing my degree and planning our life, he was making choices that destroyed us:

The History of Betrayal

The First Affair (2018): Just two months into our relationship, he had a one-night stand on New Year’s Eve with a girl who pursued him while they were both drunk in a party. They then met on-and-off for 4 months. He admitted he liked her, but it was mostly physical. He eventually had her stay at his place for 20 days, distancing himself from me almost entirely and ignoring my texts while they were together.

The Second Affair (2021): This was a girl he knew from childhood. He started an "inappropriate friendship" abroad, ignoring our agreement not to meet female friends alone. They went on "friendship dates" and talked all the time, until I visited and we got married. He blocked her then out of guilt, but the moment I left to finish my degree so we could finally move in together, he unblocked her. It became extremely sexual, happening right as we were starting our lives as newlyweds.

I only found out a year ago because I pushed for the truth. The truth came in segments: he first lied and said it was only once. When he saw my reaction, he couldn't keep going. I pushed more, and he admitted he slept with her multiple times. After two days of me breaking down and asking for the full truth, he finally confessed everything including the second affair.

I spent weeks throwing up from flashbacks, shocked to my core. He helped me through that initial shock, and I could see he was heartbroken as well. He said he hid it to "protect my heart," choosing to live with the guilt (which clearly made him miserable) rather than tell me.

When the masks came down, we had brutal sessions, I was obsessing over the "why" we talked about all the details and after all that and some individual therapy, we realized we both come from dysfunctional families with narcissistic mothers and absent fathers. He admitted he was on his way to becoming a full-on narcissist and "wanted it all" to prove he was worthy because he was so insecure and broken.

The most crushing part, He admitted that for the 8 years we've known each other, I wasn’t his "type", He lied to my face for years. Now he says he’s "grown to love" my look because of how much he loves me, and that "he has always found me very beautiful but in a different way", so my confidence is gone. When I first found out, I couldn't bear for him to touch me, but after a week, we had sex non-stop. I felt like I was claiming him as mine again, trying to overwrite what he had done.

Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant. I had a tough pregnancy and spent the entire time on total bedrest with frequent hospital visits. I was trapped in a "mental prison" with these truths while trying to care for a high-need toddler from my bed. We kept all of this a secret from everyone because he cared about his image in front of our families, friends, and especially the children.

My Current Reality

I gave birth 3 months ago and I am struggling with Postpartum Depression and PTSD. My whole world has been shattered. I don't love him in the same way anymore; he feels like a stranger I am getting to know from scratch. We have been in therapy and learned about the trauma bond, but we’ve been on a pause for months now because of how busy we are with the kids.

I feel a deep resentment. He has changed a lot and is truly regretful, doing whatever he can to make me comfortable. However, he feels "lighter" now that the secret is out and wants to move on. He hates when we talk about it because it was traumatizing for him as well, and he wants to let go once and for all. This is incredibly hard for me, he is doing better, while I am left to do all the work to heal from something I didn’t even do.

Lately I have been losing it, I have a lot of meltdowns and breakdowns, I lose my temper with the kids and I realized I am miserable, he doesn't get why I act this way and complained a little about me being reactive and negative, I told him how I felt and he said he didn't know I felt this way still even though we talked about it recently. I feel like I will never get to be that old version of myself again.

I am in an impossible position because of my culture, where divorce is not easy and carries a heavy burden. I am a stay-at-home mom with no career path, and I physically and mentally cannot care for my two children alone, especially with my high-need oldest. He is "owning up" and is a great help lately, but if he is out of my sight, I panic. I don’t trust his words, yet I am completely dependent on him to survive.

I don't even know if what I feel for him is love, I feel like I love him less or in a different sense, it's just not special anymore.

has someone gone through something similar?

I need advice

I (27F) found out a year ago that my entire history with my husband (32M) has been built on a lie. We have known each other since 2017, and I spent years believing we were building a future based on mutual sacrifice. In reality, he spent those years hiding a double life while I was making sacrifices for "us".

We were long-distance for 20 months while he worked abroad to save for our "future and wedding" as this was one of his goals and dreams, which I didn't agree with but compromised to make him happy. This was during the COVID lockdowns. While I was home being loyal to him, waiting around for him while finishing my degree and planning our life, he was making choices that destroyed us:

The History of Betrayal

The First Affair (2018): Just two months into our relationship, he had a one-night stand on New Year’s Eve with a girl who pursued him while they were both drunk in a party. They then met on-and-off for 4 months. He admitted he liked her, but it was mostly physical. He eventually had her stay at his place for 20 days, distancing himself from me almost entirely and ignoring my texts while they were together.

The Second Affair (2021): This was a girl he knew from childhood. He started an "inappropriate friendship" abroad, ignoring our agreement not to meet female friends alone. They went on "friendship dates" and talked all the time, until I visited and we got married. He blocked her then out of guilt, but the moment I left to finish my degree so we could finally move in together, he unblocked her. It became extremely sexual, happening right as we were starting our lives as newlyweds.

I only found out a year ago because I pushed for the truth. The truth came in segments: he first lied and said it was only once. When he saw my reaction, he couldn't keep going. I pushed more, and he admitted he slept with her multiple times. After two days of me breaking down and asking for the full truth, he finally confessed everything including the second affair.

I spent weeks throwing up from flashbacks, shocked to my core. He helped me through that initial shock, and I could see he was heartbroken as well. He said he hid it to "protect my heart," choosing to live with the guilt—which clearly made him miserable—rather than tell me.

When the masks came down, we had brutal sessions, I was obsessing over the "why" we talked about all the details, he admitted he was on his way to becoming a full-on narcissist and "wanted it all" to prove he was worthy because he was so insecure and broken.

The most crushing part, He admitted that for the 8 years we've known each other, I wasn’t his "type", He lied to my face for years. Now he says he’s "grown to love" my look because of how much he loves me, and that "he has always found very beautiful but in a different way", so my confidence is gone. When I first found out, I couldn't bear for him to touch me, but after a week, we had sex non-stop. I felt like I was claiming him as mine again, trying to overwrite what he had done.

Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant. I had a tough pregnancy and spent the entire time on total bedrest with frequent hospital visits. I was trapped in a "mental prison" with these truths while trying to care for a high-need toddler from my bed. We kept all of this a secret from everyone because he cared about his image in front of our families, friends, and especially the children as they grow up.

My Current Reality

I gave birth 3 months ago and I am struggling with Postpartum Depression and PTSD. My whole world has been shattered. I don't love him in the same way anymore; he feels like a stranger I am getting to know from scratch. We have been in therapy and learned about the trauma bond, but we’ve been on a pause for months now because of how busy we are with the kids.

I feel a deep resentment. He has changed a lot and is truly regretful, doing whatever he can to make me comfortable. However, he feels "lighter" now that the secret is out and wants to move on. I know he hates when we talk about it but doesn't complain and understands I need my time to heal. This is incredibly hard for me, he is doing better, while I am left to do all the work to heal from something I didn’t even do.

Lately I have been losing it, I have a lot of meltdowns and breakdowns, I lose my temper with the kids and I realized I am miserable, he doesn't get why I act this way and complained a little about me being reactive and negative, I told him how I felt and he said he didn't know I felt this way still even though we talked about it recently. I feel like I will never get to be that old version of myself again, I don't know what to do.

I am in an impossible position because of my culture, where divorce is not easy and carries a heavy burden. I am a stay-at-home mom with no career path, and I physically and mentally cannot care for my two children alone, especially with my high-need oldest. He is "owning up" and is a great help lately, but if he is out of my sight, I panic. I don’t trust his words, yet I am completely dependent on him to survive.

I look at him and wonder: Is this love, or am I just stuck because it's familiar? Is it just that I have nowhere else to go? How do you move forward when you realize the person you loved for 8 years never actually existed, but you need the "new" version of him just to keep your head above water?

I (27F) found out a year ago that my entire history with my husband (32M) has been built on a lie. We have known each other since 2017, and I spent years believing we were building a future based on mutual sacrifice. In reality, he spent those years hiding a double life while I was making sacrifices for "us".

We were long-distance for 20 months while he worked abroad to save for our "future and wedding" as this was one of his goals and dreams, which I didn't agree with but compromised to make him happy. This was during the COVID lockdowns. While I was home being loyal to him, waiting around for him while finishing my degree and planning our life, he was making choices that destroyed us:

The History of Betrayal

The First Affair (2018): Just two months into our relationship, he had a one-night stand on New Year’s Eve with a girl who pursued him while they were both drunk in a party. They then met on-and-off for 4 months. He admitted he liked her, but it was mostly physical. He eventually had her stay at his place for 20 days, distancing himself from me almost entirely and ignoring my texts while they were together.

The Second Affair (2021): This was a girl he knew from childhood. He started an "inappropriate friendship" abroad, ignoring our agreement not to meet female friends alone. They went on "friendship dates" and talked all the time, until I visited and we got married. He blocked her then out of guilt, but the moment I left to finish my degree so we could finally move in together, he unblocked her. It became extremely sexual, happening right as we were starting our lives as newlyweds.

I only found out a year ago because I pushed for the truth. The truth came in segments: he first lied and said it was only once. When he saw my reaction, he couldn't keep going. I pushed more, and he admitted he slept with her multiple times. After two days of me breaking down and asking for the full truth, he finally confessed everything including the second affair.

I spent weeks throwing up from flashbacks, shocked to my core. He helped me through that initial shock, and I could see he was heartbroken as well. He said he hid it to "protect my heart," choosing to live with the guilt—which clearly made him miserable—rather than tell me.

When the masks came down, we had brutal sessions, I was obsessing over the "why" we talked about all the details and after all that and some individual therapy, we realized we both come from dysfunctional families with narcissistic mothers and absent fathers. He admitted he was on his way to becoming a full-on narcissist and "wanted it all" to prove he was worthy because he was so insecure and broken.

The most crushing part, He admitted that for the 8 years we've known each other, I wasn’t his "type", He lied to my face for years. Now he says he’s "grown to love" my look because of how much he loves me, and that "he has always found very beautiful but in a different way", so my confidence is gone. When I first found out, I couldn't bear for him to touch me, but after a week, we had sex non-stop. I felt like I was claiming him as mine again, trying to overwrite what he had done.

Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant. I had a tough pregnancy and spent the entire time on total bedrest with frequent hospital visits. I was trapped in a "mental prison" with these truths while trying to care for a high-need toddler from my bed. We kept all of this a secret from everyone because he cared about his image in front of our families, friends, and especially the children as they grow up.

My Current Reality

I gave birth 3 months ago and I am struggling with Postpartum Depression and PTSD. My whole world has been shattered. I don't love him in the same way anymore; he feels like a stranger I am getting to know from scratch. We have been in therapy and learned about the trauma bond, but we’ve been on a pause for months now because of how busy we are with the kids.

I feel a deep resentment. He has changed a lot and is truly regretful, doing whatever he can to make me comfortable. However, he feels "lighter" now that the secret is out and wants to move on. He hates when we talk about it because it was traumatizing for him as well, and he wants to let go once and for all. This is incredibly hard for me, he is doing better, while I am left to do all the work to heal from something I didn’t even do.

Lately I have been losing it, I have a lot of meltdowns and breakdowns, I lose my temper with the kids and I realized I am miserable, he doesn't get why I act this way and complained a little about me being reactive and negative, I told him how I felt and he said he didn't know I felt this way still even though we talked about it recently. I feel like I will never get to be that old version of myself again, I don't know what to do.

I am in an impossible position because of my culture, where divorce is not easy and carries a heavy burden. I am a stay-at-home mom with no career path, and I physically and mentally cannot care for my two children alone, especially with my high-need oldest. He is "owning up" and is a great help lately, but if he is out of my sight, I panic. I don’t trust his words, yet I am completely dependent on him to survive.

I look at him and wonder: Is this love, or am I just stuck because it's familiar? Is it just that I have nowhere else to go? How do you move forward when you realize the person you loved for 8 years never actually existed, but you need the "new" version of him just to keep your head above water?