u/Curious-Salary-1007

Looking for next steps. Don't know if I want to reconcile or not. My partner and I have been married for 24 years. Her shame about her unfaithfulness has resulted in mountains of lies, cover-ups and gaslighting. I hate the idea of the EMS weekends. I am a person of deeply rooted faith and just know the audacity and pride of church programs to think they can "fix" you in a weekend. I need a slower approach. I have a personal therapist and we have been doing EMDR. The EMDR has stirred heaps of pain and forced me to see more betrayals along the way. I have to review all of the memories in a new light that the 2 people I trusted most in this world both betrayed me (progressively and for decades). He was my childhood best friend, and best man at my wedding and an aggressive predator to my wife and she capitulated. I am so scared of being alone! I have never been single. Is it difficult for a mid 40s guy who has deep faith, fit and balding to find serious women to date? Any suggestions how to do disclosure without spending thousands? Money has been tough through our marriage and I have always been the sole income. Thanks for this great place!

Although it has been many years since I discovered my wife's actual unfaithfulness. I have failed to move forward. The lies and cover up have been constant over those years. Truth trickles slowly and I have had to dig it out. I started individual talk therapy a few years ago and finally found an outlet for my pain and learned to both feel my feelings and minor coping tools. We discussed letting our youngest of 3 finish his last couple of years of H.S. before separating. As we approached that time I visited with a divorce lawyer to see how that separation might occur. When I told her I had been to be a lawyer, and said my line in the sand was an unconfessed relationship with my best friend and the best man at our wedding. Then she finally confessed that the whole affair was only with him. The heaps of lies and cover ups is more than I can count. 24 years and 3 children and now I am revisiting every memory in a new light. I still have lots of feelings for her, but can't bring myself to say "I love you" anymore. It doesn't feel genuine. I suffer with anxiety, racing thoughts, and the usual endless circles. After all of this pain and the now insurmountable walls between us, I can't stomach going to another counselor or what have you. I think my deep rooted fear is of the unknown. Also do not fancy the idea of breaking up the family and the reality of having to start over. I feel paralyzed. I don't want to be single! We have struggled with finances forever (I used to think we were a team). I have been the sole income the WHOLE time. I can't imagine spending thousands and tens of thousands to inflict major pain on myself. I am currently seeing a trauma EMDR therapist and the EMDR has stirred all kinds of pain and made me remember times of betrayal where I didn't even know I was being betrayed. Michelle Mays talks about 4 kinds of gaslighting, and I "ding, ding, ding" identify as the victim of all of them. Holy Cow! I found a psychiatrist and have gotten a prescription that helps a bit. Dumb question, if I am in my mid 40s with an established career and deeply rooted faith, I am fit but balding. Is it going to be hard to find serious females to date/start a new relationship with? I am so scared. I have gone to bed and awoken with the same woman for 25 years. I don't know how to be alone.

Although it has been many years since I discovered my wife's actual unfaithfulness. I have failed to move forward. The lies and cover up have been constant over those years. Truth trickles slowly and I have had to dig it out. I started individual talk therapy a few years ago and finally found an outlet for my pain and learned to both feel my feelings and minor coping tools. We discussed letting our youngest of 3 finish his last couple of years of H.S. before separating. As we approached that time I visited with a divorce lawyer to see how that separation might occur. When I told her I had been to be a lawyer, and said my line in the sand was an unconfessed relationship with my best friend and the best man at our wedding, she finally confessed the whole affair was only with him. The heaps of lies and cover ups is more than I can count. 24 years and 3 children and now I am revisiting every memory in a new light. I still have lots of feelings for her, but can't bring myself to say "I love you" anymore. It doesn't feel genuine. I suffer with anxiety, racing thoughts, and the usual endless circles. After all of this pain and the now insurmountable walls between us, I can't stomach going to another counselor or what have you. I think my deep routed fear of the unknown, breaking up the family and the reality of having to start over are paralyzing. I don't want to be single! We have struggled with finances forever (I used to think we were a team). I have been the sole income the WHOLE time. I can't imagine spending thousands and tens of thousands to inflict major pain on myself. I am currently seeing a trauma EMDR therapist and the EMDR has stirred all kinds of pain and made me remember times of betrayal where I didn't even know I was being betrayed. Michelle Mays talks about 4 kinds of gaslighting, and I ding, ding, ding identify as the victim of all of them. Holy Cow. I found a psychiatrist and have gotten a prescription that helps a bit. Dumb question, if I am in my mid 40s with an established career and deeply rooted faith, I am fit but balding. Is it going to be hard to find serious females to date/start a new relationship with? I am so scared. I have gone to bed and awoken with the same woman for 25 years. I don't know how to be alone.