Discovered betrayal 2 weeks ago. Struggling deeply. I want to confront, don't know how or when to.
It feels surreal to even write this post.
I have been with my partner for 6 years. I received a dm from a girl I didn't know 2 weeks ago saying that months ago he hit her up to flirt, exchanged nudes and didn't disclose he had a partner. I am stunned and have cried on and off every day since I found out. He cheated during a very stressful period in my life last year including a job layoff, death in the family, and other things. I want to add that during this period I maintained our relationship and support for him.
This relationship has been good in some ways and very hard in others. The good doesn't overshadow the hard anymore. We both come from dysfunctional families, and those dynamics inform how we operate. He has serious childhood trauma. I have been in therapy to develop coping mechanisms; he refuses to go, citing bad experiences in youth and numbs himself with whatever dopamine source he finds. Much of our dynamic was me helping him regulate, supporting him in grad school, cooking for him etc. I think of how much effort and judgment-free support I've provided in helping this grown man function as a grown man and feel hurt and pissed. We've been on the rocks for two years, I wish he had just dumped me instead of doing this.
I had previously asked that we delay getting engaged and married to get a bit more stable and save more $$. He has been pushing for us to get married for half of our relationship. I have had concerns about our dynamic so kept asking for group therapy, prompting conversations, etc. Met with shutdowns, minimizing, being told I am being too emotional and holding us back. I am most hurt by this, because he has been guilting me about us not getting engaged yet while most of his friends from college are married and starting families. I have felt so bad about feeling "not ready" and feeling guilty about gut feelings and had convinced myself I was just "asking for too much." He's been pushing me on this even this week, and it's hurting me knowing that he's saying this while actively hiding this betrayal. FOR THE LAST YEAR!
I want to confront him but feel torn on timing. I have not yet confronted him as I am trying to be mindful of his work travel schedule and some professional and familial stressors occurring this month. I am also being a little selfish because I have some big work trips coming up, and I don't want to be without his support. :( So far it has worked to keep to myself and I am keeping up the act but it is getting very painful to keep this to just myself. Only my therapist knows. Telling friends and family them makes it more real. In theory I should be able to confront him whenever, but I feel a mental block. I want to be ready for the dynamic to change...I'm scared I am not.
Anyway: I'd benefit from hearing from others who have tried to time a confrontation with respect for the betrayed and betrayer's schedule and stressors. My goal is an amicable split, this relationship is over for me. What would you do, or what have you done? What questions helped you determine your timing? What helped you plan mentally? Thank you :(