r/JustNoSO

TLDR: my husband is throwing away thousands on his 20 year old car that constantly breaks down and getting rid of our new, reliable car because it’s “unaffordable”.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for over a year. My husband has a 2006 Infiniti G35. He loves this car more than me, more than his parents, more than life itself. I’m unsure of why but I think it might be because he’s had it since he was 17?

I’m not dogging on him for loving cars—I get it but this car breaks down constantly. It’s been this way ever since I met him. Every other month it is in the shop having to have major work done on it. It’s had an entire engine replaced. He throws away thousands of dollars on this car and whenever I bring up that he should consider selling it because it’s hurting his wallet, he tells me that I don’t know what I’m talking about because I don’t know anything about cars and that they’re supposed to have work done on them (which I know, but should they have to constantly be in the shop?).

Anyways, I gave birth to our daughter a few months ago and he decided we needed a bigger car so she’d be safer in her car seat. And during snowy months. He took out a loan on a new Hyundai and when I asked him if he’d be able to sell his other car so paying off the loan would be more affordable, he said he’d be keeping both cars but wants me to sell mine (my car is a 2017 Honda that has not broken down on me since having it, and while it’s small I would consider it more reliable than his Infiniti). I fought with him over this and so far, I have stood my ground on selling my car.

Well today, he dropped the bomb on me that he wants to get rid of the brand new car because paying off the loan is too expensive for him. He’s says this to me as we’re dropping off his Infiniti at an auto body shop to get fixed up…again.

I’m fucking livid. I don’t even know what to say. I don’t understand why he’d give the world for this car that is so unreliable, is constantly breaking down. I can’t understand him at all. I feel insane.

I gave up hoping he cared enough to listen to my feelings and try. Last week he told me he’s been trying. I asked him to get a job 3 months ago and he didn’t take me seriously until last week, although I’ve been asking often. Today he told me he didn’t want to be talking about feelings all the time, which I guess I get when nothing changes so the same things are constantly eating me alive.

I love him I don’t know if we could make this work anymore and he put his noise canceling headphones on right before so he couldn’t hear me. This pushed me to say it out loud and directly that I want a divorce. I started sobbing and so did our kids because they don’t want to see me devastated in sobs. He responded by saying to them “I don’t know why she does this in front of you.” I could have done it at a better time, but he left them alone around a mess and I just needed it out. I don’t feel like they are safe around him.

I’m so sad. I truly don’t think he does things to piss me off, he doesn’t even consider me enough to be vengeful. The saddest part is that my daughters are living like this too and I feel like I’m drowning.

Tomorrow I’m calling daycares to get them set up with and safe. I’ll give him a few days to figure out where he goes. Thankfully the house was purchased before we married.

I hope I stay strong. We don’t deserve this and being alone sounds so wonderful at this point.

So, my parents talked me out of an... Attempt, a few weeks ago.

So, we've moved to Holland, planning to stay moving to Holland. It would be something fresh and they've been really sweet to me. I'm the "conscription ruined my life person", I know these posts are annoying, don't have to read it. I'll try not to repeat myself.

I am a trans woman, I've always looked very girly, even back then, but wasn't out and honestly, I think being trans is irrelevant. I know many people who were way more masculine and still broke, from the dehumanization they felt there. I'm Greek, by the way. I've kind of gone scorched earth on most friendships, relationships, because outside of my parents- Who both spent time in the military- And my brother, almost everyone I know either pressured me to go, romanticized it, or both. I think my partner rebranded herself as someone who always understood, but lately, I've been reflecting and, well, she wasn't.

This is the one who'd send me cutesy magazine articles on doing it long distance, took selfies with her "army boyfriend", made TikToks, and my parents were the ONLY people to ever ask, am I okay with going? Do I want some help getting an exemption? I succumbed to the pressure from everyone else, but they eventually intervened to get me out. I remember how humiliated I felt when this very motherly officer stupidly wanted to surprise me on our anniversary, so had my girlfriend come visit. And how I hated her seeing me in that state, or with no hair, and I felt ill.

So, look, I'm ripping up the stupid cards about what this year taught her about us, and how proud she is of me. She said the uniform looks cool and asked for one of the spare shirts, I'll be asking for it back to rip or burn with the rest of the military stuff. I'm genuinely angry. I know she regrets it now but I just fucking hated it, how nearly everyone, if they didn't pressure me directly, thought this was... What, cute? It was a disgusting year.

I have posted quite a bit on justnomil about what I’ve dealt with from justnoso’s (now ex) mother, but I have dealt with so much from him in this time as well that I’ve never truly gotten off my chest entirely to anyone. And now I’m expected to co-parent with this man, and it’s my fault that I reproduced with him. Dealing with his enmeshment, porn addiction, anger issues, his mothers lack of boundaries, I can’t help but just want them entirely out of my and my child’s life, but that’s not going to happen.

Below is what I’ve been dealing with for the last 19 months (LO is now 10 months old) and I feel like I’ve been in pure survival mode the whole time. During pregnancy I thought the worst thing that could happen was that he leaves me and I do it all alone, now it’s all I wish for.

-He didn’t want me to keep LO asked me to abort multiple times, I decided to keep my baby and gave him the option to leave and I would not chase any child support from him. He decided to stay (out of guilt)

- I felt like I wasn’t allowed to show any excitement or happiness during pregnancy because it would set him off into a depression and he would emotionally and physically withdraw

- He stopped being intimate with me during pregnancy and postpartum, we had sex maybe all of 4 times since I found out I was pregnant

- Entire pregnancy and postpartum he sourced sexual intimacy from onlyfans and exs online. Ended up discovering this postpartum and that he has a sexual compulsion disorder that he ended up seeing a specialised therapist for twice and then stopped attending.

- There have been multiple incidents where he has repeatedly punched himself in the head while holding LO during a heightened emotional state. There have also been multiple incidents where he refuses to hand LO back to me during a heightened emotional state.

- There have been countless times where he has raised his voice, yelling either at the tv about his video games or in the car while driving directed at other drivers on the road in the presence of LO, this is pretty much a daily occurrence.

- He has always prioritised video games and his sleep over caring for our baby, I’ve always done at least 90% of all care for her.

- First boundary not being respected by his mother was 2 weeks before due date she asked to be in the delivery room, we said no and that we would probably want a few days to ourselves before visitors, she pushed back on this but we said no, then she asked to just be made aware when we’re on our way to the hospital again the answer was no, she kept pushing back on this until he finally said yes to get her to stop.

- After the birth I did not want visitors while in hospital, (emergency c-section, in a lot of pain, bad reaction to the pain meds and learning how to breastfeed on 0 sleep) but I didn’t hear the end of it the entire time I was there with my newborn, he kept pushing and pushing saying they just want to come and meet LO.

- An hour after we got home from the hospital even though I wanted to rest and go to bed his parents showed up to our house, I was in bed and couldn’t get up, having to take pictures of them with LO, nobody cared to take a picture of me with my baby.

- His parents continued to show up every day after that for the first week of babies life.

- On day 5 postpartum, his mother said all of the following to me: asked me if I could bind my c-section stomach to make it go down faster, said I shouldn’t hold my baby as it will spoil her, told me not to have her sleep in the same room as me, told me to let her cry it out, told me what I can and cannot eat (even followed up with him to make sure I was following her rules)

- My first appointment out of the house without LO, he had his parents over and sent me a video of his mum face to face with LO kissing her, despite being told no kissing whatsoever. (His parents have hsv-1)

- Next visit after that his mother comes in and kisses LO again despite again being reminded of the no kissing rule.

- Visit after that, his mother makes snappy remarks towards me the entire visit. She demanded more photos be sent of LO even though I was uploading every 2 days for them. She snapped “I don’t get to see my grandchild everyday, I don’t get to kiss my grandchild, so I do get to have photos everyday that is my RIGHT”, same visit she said we have to come visit them every 2 weeks.

- Visit after that his mother came in grabbed LO from my arms and kissed her all over despite again being reminded before. LO became upset crying and when I grabbed her back both his parents declared she was spoiled which is why she is crying. His mother turned to me and said she wants to see LO more, she should be allowed to kiss her, that she loves LO more than I do and I wouldn’t understand as I’m not a grandmother, that this is HER babies baby not so much my baby. He did try to intervene at one point but his mother shooed him away with a flick of her hand and said we’re having a girls chat. He and his father retreated to the kitchen. His mother had an emotional outburst crying and yelling for about half an hour, she stepped to me in an intimidating manner, she said I was going to take this out on him once she leaves. I had to go to my bedroom with LO and ask them to leave.

- I did not allow contact with me or LO for 6 months after that visit.

- His mother did attempt an apology a week after the visit via a card saying “Sorry if I did anything that hurt you or I cross boundaries, I do it out of love”. I did not accept this apology and asked for a genuine apology and changed behaviour before resuming contact.

- I did not receive that. Instead what ensued was 6 months of the ex receiving emotional pressure and guilt by his mother through multiple hour conversations, texts and phone calls, messages from relatives telling him to leave me for his mother.

- During this time he and I attended couples therapy to try and help him set boundaries with his mother it would take multiple sessions just for him to build up courage to try saying no once.

- Through all of this his mother has spoken badly of me calling me names and saying nasty things about me.

- In December we received a video phone call from his parents that he ushered me onto while I was topless trying to breastfeed our child. His mother apologised while crying, saying “I guess I will just have to learn to respect that you are the parents”

- I accepted their apology and asked for a period of time where we can have calm before attempting visits again without all of the emotional pressure. They agreed.

- In February he and I split up but we still live together while he is looking for a room to rent elsewhere. (He’s still here) I asked that while we still live under the same roof, he wait and not pursue other women until he has moved out, he agreed and then 2 days later I found out he was sexting a girl he used to have sex with before we got together again.

- His mother texted me in March asking to see LO, I agreed and we set up a visit.

- I learnt that he and his parents sought out legal advice for access to my daughter before even reaching back out to me to ask.

- The visit went well. Then 3 days after the visit, his mother requested another visit for 4 days time, I declined and said “not this weekend, we will organise something in a few weeks”

- His mother pushed back on this demanding to know the reason why.

- When I spoke to him about how she’s already not respecting a simple no and being demanding, he absolutely lost it and said she has every right to, I’m a narcissist yadda yadda.

My husband and I (along w my sister in law and her family) all live 2 hours away from my mother in law (she lives in the desert basically- in the middle of a legit ghost town almost). I became a mother in 2021, so been a while. Every year without fail, my husband makes me feel guilty for not going to visit his mother for Mother’s Day (mind you, she can also and HAS driven countless times to where we live, so she’s capable), while I myself am a MOTHER, and would rather be here at home. AITAH for feeling like he never takes my feelings into consideration? I feel like wanting to be prioritized over his mother on Mother’s Day is never an option for him, and it pisses me tf off. What do you guys think? Any advice and different points of view are appreciated!

Potential trigger, just a heads up. Mentioning stuff like abuse.

Fuck it, been going scorched earth on almost everyone I know anyway so I'll get this one off my chest.

Mandatory military service ruined my life and my parents, bless them, were the ONLY people who told me from the beginning that I don't have to go, and they'll help me leave. They actually both spent years there. We're Greek, for context. So I gave in to encouragement from lots of other people and I swear to God, I never want to see my partner's parents or grandparents again. She feels the same. She romanticized it herself, made stupid TikToks about it, but I've been trying to forgive her but I've been back a year, worst year of my life.

I just remember, like... Okay, one of the times I'm home on leave and get a smiley face text from her mother telling me to drop my uniform by the house, she'll wash it and iron it for me, I swear, the amount of times I'd get them asking how I'm getting on "In the army", I fucking hat referring to it as that, I was never "In" the military, I was used by it.

I get that shit, then crap from her grandparents about how I'm always welcome to drop by on the weekends if I want to relax or if I want a bath, her stupid grandfather wanting to tell me stories about the time he spent there and bond with me over something, his parents would do the same, I remember starting and them sending me a card about they're proud of me... I feel like everyone fawned over me, I'm trans now but even before that I looked like a femboy, people thought I was smart and pretty and well you know what? They have LOST me. If me and her ever do get married, I've made it clear to them, they are NOT getting to have a loving daughter in law, that's fucking over. Whatever they thought of me, the love on my end is gone.

And also, just this weird fucking cultish behaviour. When I started there, they were all crying and logically, I thought it was because they would miss me. No, it was that they were proud of me.

My husband has been watching porn and deleting his history for a long time, but today he forgot to delete it. The worst part is that he wasn’t just watching porn he was on hookup websites called Sniffles. I looked it up, and it’s for gay hookups. I have nothing against gay people, but he was on these websites while holding our son, and it made me feel sick. He claims it must’ve been an ad he never clicked on it at all but its map based website and I saw his location was already on it…

I canceled his family coming over to visit our newborn baby because I want to leave the city. He got mad. He wants to use me to create a perfect image like we’re just a happy family.

ETA UPDATE: per my husband, he doesn’t see how his dad was disrespectful (saying that I have emotional problems and that whatever I *think* they did doesn’t justify me not wanting them around). Apparently since his dad is older and has BPD then its okay that he will have “moments of frustration”

Then he goes on to say “You are probably going to take all this as me taking their side but it’s really not. I’m 100% with you. I’m just not seeing things the same way you do and I’m sorry if you think that that means I’m not doing my job as a husband. “

How can you side with your wife 100% when you won’t even defend her?!?!?! I genuinely don’t understand where the disconnect is, it’s really not that hard to see!

——-

I genuinely don’t think I’m overreacting, but I feel like I’m hitting a breaking point and need outside perspective.

For context, my relationship with my in-laws completely disintegrated after I had my child. During my labor, birth, and postpartum period, they repeatedly ignored my boundaries and made the entire experience about themselves and how my labor didn’t go the way my mother in law wanted it to go.

If any other context is wanted, I have plenty of posts on my page and other subs that go into much more detail about how truly shitty this whole situation is.

Some other things happened with the entitlement that they felt towards MY baby, and it got to the point where I felt disrespected and uncomfortable enough that I went no contact a few months after giving birth.

Our child is now almost 2, and since then there’s been a consistent pattern. Every couple of months, my father-in-law sends my husband a message saying that what they did “wasn’t that bad,” that my reaction is unjustified, and then they demand access to our child. Not only did they do to me what they did during my postpartum period but my mother-in-law suffers with severe mental health issues, and my father-in-law is an enabler. But I’m always framed as the problem.

The issue is my husband.

He says he agrees with me and that he understands why I feel the way I do, but when his parents bring this up, he shuts down. He avoids confrontation and doesn’t correct them or defend me in the moment. Then things go quiet again until the next time it happens.

I had to push him months postpartum just to have one conversation with them about what happened, and clearly it didn’t land because nothing has changed. He actually ended up having a conversation with him on three different occasions, but each time it either went in one or not the other or he didn’t relay the message the way that I hoped that he would.

What really upset me this time is that after his dad sent another message blaming me, my husband said he “didn’t have the energy” to address it, but is now planning on going and having some quality time with his dad this afternoon and acting like nothing ever happened.

Meanwhile, I’m left feeling completely unsupported and honestly questioning how sustainable this is long-term. I’ve told him we need couples therapy before anything changes, because I don’t feel protected in this situation at all.

I’m not asking him to cut off his parents completely. i’ve actually told him that he’s allowed to have whatever relationship he wants to do with his parents, but to leave me out of it and that our child is not gonna be going around them. I’m asking him to set boundaries and defend me when they directly blame and disrespect me.

AIO for being this fed up?!

And this has left me feeling several things. Our relationship was very short lived (4 months) and kind of toxic. He never understood me or how i was feeling, especially if he wasn’t intending to hurt me. So several disagreements would be me trying to preach my case to only be invalidated and misunderstood. Well recently, I was made aware that I’ve never done anything for him, i guess in comparison to things he’s done for me (gave me his laptop that he doesn’t use, bought me a new tv when mine crapped out, gotten my hair done before…just to name a few things. all of which i expressed deep appreciation for.) And I’ve been stuck on this for two days now, because I am genuinely so hurt and confused. And then I started thinking about things I *have* done, and wondering why it wasn’t enough? He said I don’t do anything for him to make him feel loved and cared for, meanwhile when I was first learning how to cook steaks, I brought the ingredients over to his apartment and cooked us steak frites. I’ve bought groceries for his apartment because he only buys snacks and noodles.

For valentine’s day, i made him a candy basket and made him some chocolate covered strawberries, and bought us tickets to a clay making class (which I cancelled because he did nothing for me for valentine’s day.) I bought and charmed some fuzzy crocs for him because he said he had a pair he loved but left back in Korea. Took us out to dinner to a favorite brazilian steakhouse of mine. have bought him food to work. made cupcakes and bought him some to work. Cleaned, clipped, & polished his nails for him because he wasn’t tending to them. They looked SO GOOD he got compliments for once on his nails. Is that alone not because I care or love you??? Then got him his own full nail care kit. Because I don’t make effort to mentally keep track of everything I do for someone, I’m sure there’s more to be said. But just to give an idea. And if these things aren’t things that make you feel loved and cared for, why didn’t you speak up?? I always spoke up on issues i had. If this was festering in your mind this whole time, & why’d you finally throw that in my face???? Idk, I feel so weird now. Because I’m just questioning everything I DID do like okay, maybe it didn’t amount to a TV or airpods or a laptop, but it was out of genuine love and care…..? Idk. Out of all the nasty things we said to each other during the toxic breakup we had, this is really the biggest thing sticking to me and making me question EVERYTHING.

ETA: I want to clarify in the beginning, it was NOT only toxic because of him. Our disagreements and arguments were sometimes verbally toxic on both ends. I just didn’t delve into it cause the focus of this post is the comment that was made in our last argument two days ago.

He has his good traits, but this was not a good look for him.

TMI back story: a couple times a year, I have to go to the bathroom urgently, I will then feel nauseated and feel like I am going to black out and have to lie down on the floor. Sometimes it gets infinitely "worse."

It is very traumatic, but apart from it being embarrassing, I will be fine. Up until now this has only ever happened at home.

Yesterday at work I felt like I had an untrustworthy fart coming on, so I went to the restroom and ended up having to poop. It suddenly turned from normal to diarrhea and that familiar panic of needing to lie down before I fell over.

I did my best to stop the poop, was even able to manage a couple quick wipes and made my way over to a very uncomfortable lounge chair.

I did my best to get my head low and pull my legs up onto the chair with me so they wouldn't be lower than my heart. Eventually I had enough strength to send a short text my husband to come get me. This was 3:45 pm.

He replied at 3:46 ok and give him a few minutes before he left. (Sure, take your time?)

Then at 3:57 he called and started asking me questions, but I could only give one word answers. He told me to call someone to come find me in the bathroom - as if I wanted anyone to see me like that, much less at work! I agreed just to stop talking and continued to wait for his arrival.

Long story short, we have life360 on our phones so after I was home and feeling better, I looked to see how long it took him to leave. He didn't leave until 4:02 and I noticed he also drove over to the mail boxes to check the mail before heading out!

His nonexistent "sense of urgency" and needing to rescue his life partner from a very uncomfortable situation was staggering.

We both agreed we don’t want to be with each other this Tuesday. He was incredibly emotionally abusive towards me and I was just tired. He was kind of postponing moving out and yesterday he dropped this bombshell on me.

So he comes up, says let’s not rush things, talk it out, maybe we can fix it. I’m tensed up, asking what exactly is there to discuss. He starts talking about stuff that is completely unrelated to the horrible shit he did to me that I said I was leaving him over, that apparently was not what we needed to fix in his opinion. I then demand that we do talk about the things he did right this instant, hoping that I may at least get my apology.

The things I brought up:

- him being rude about taking me to the airport at night when my grandma died and I needed yo get to the funeral. He drives everywhere all the time but one time I needed that had to be the time he decided to give me silent treatment for about a week, not asking me how I’m doing or anything

- him saying that I’m grieving the death of my grandma wrong and therefore don’t deserve his support

- him picking horrible pointless fights with me when I was dealing with high stress and unrelated to him possible financial issues. Took 2 flights in a single day, stressed out of my mind, during dinner he wants to break up over me not buying some type of pasta he wanted thus day

That list could go on for a very long time, these are just the most painful things.

And guess what he fucking did. For the first point he quickly said sorry about the « emotional part » but for the logistical part, you see, I should have understood how hard it is for him to have to take a ride somewhere at night, so basically I’m guilty. Second point, he first denied, then said «I guess it wasn’t nice » while also describing my behaviour that day as ridiculous. Third point, he quickly apologised but then moved on to some instances where he was offended by something I did. We spent way more time discussing how I used the annoyed tone with him or some such, how unheard he feels, how this conversation isn’t what he wanted it to be. Complete blame shifting!

And then the best part: he tried to tell me that it isn’t right to talk about relationship issues with your family. All should be kept in because family can turn you against your SO. We need to protect each other from our families. The guy let his mother be a total bitch to me all the time before! Such ridiculous fucking bullshit! He wants me to stop telling people what he did to isolate me and make it harder to leave! Just recently I told him about a moment in the book Lolita where the disgusting old man does this exact thing.

Dudes, un-fucking-believable. We’re still breaking up. I don’t want this life for any second longer.

I’m a SAHM with a 1 1/2 yr old and very pregnant. I went back to work for a few months, a couple of months ago, but I’m back off on my maternity leave and won’t be returning to work as that’s what’s best for our family. I have a long history of disliking his family. My husband is a business owner of a business that’s growing. Most of his days are very stressed which I get. I try and help him when I can, sending emails for him, responding to messages, usually when he asks me to do something in his office / order things i can do it. I also manage our rental properties. He spent a lot of time at home this winter with our child while I went back to work for a few months. Now he’s back to working like crazy, and is working 4 hours from home. Yesterday, his last day at home before going on the road, we had a fight. We don’t fight too often. He was working around the house getting stuff ready for him to work away, I was trying to help a bit but it’s quite hard with a toddler. I also wanted to get some stuff done as I need help most of the time now as my body is tired. I would ask him to help but he would say he’s busy and now’s not the time. So I just ended up taking my toddler and myself inside for the day. In the middle of the day he would come in, ask me to make him lunch, I didn’t. He then made a comment about my body, didn’t sit right with me. He came back in the house a few hours later trying to think things were okay, I wasn’t having it though and left again. Hours later he had finished for the day. When he came in, I said I needed a break and left to my room and locked the door. He called me a cunt and said I don’t help. And said this is how we are spending our last day together? (He spent the entire day outside getting his stuff ready???) I ignored it. A little past and my toddler was calling for me, they both came. He asked what the problem was, I didn’t feel like saying anything. I was just kind numb to the situation, I’m exhausted, ready for him to be gone almost. I told him to just go as I need a break. Things escalated, he called me lazy, he said I’m a SAHM there are no breaks, I didn’t pack his bag for him, apparently I’m a mooch? He brought up he put more of a down payment on the house down.. things went on. I simply tried to leave in my car, he wouldn’t let me. He told me I needed to change or he thinks we might split up. I was crying, he was starting to as well. Again while all this was happening I didn’t have much to say. I did let him know I wouldn’t be in contact with him this week as a break is definitely needed. No energy to fight or get into things, just done. Some time past I went back and just went to bed. We ended the night, nothing more was said, he left his morning saying “hope things get better for you”.

We have a stupid joking relationship that a lot of people wouldn’t understand, / lots of women wouldn’t tolerate. It’s hard to explain. We also don’t do anything together really, no date night in 2 years.. my husband has hobbies he does the odd time he gets the chance, any chance I get I do some self care or have a bit of a social life for myself. I know it’s a phase and once our kids are older things will be different.

Why am I so numb? I feel like I know I shouldn’t be talked to this way. It makes me sad for my kids. But on the other hand I do know I can help more, it’s just hard right now.

We used to have a great sex life. Over time, I’ll admit my desire has dropped because of constant criticism, not feeling loved, and just the overall dynamic between us. But I still held onto sex as the one thing we had left.

Now I’m constantly told I don’t initiate anymore, that it’s basically my fault we don’t have sex. But we are always fighting. When exactly am I supposed to feel close enough to initiate?

And honestly, the effort isn’t equal. I literally went down on him this morning, and I can count on one hand the number of times he’s done the same for me this year. It feels one-sided, and it’s hard to want intimacy when I already feel unappreciated.

Part of me feels like he picks fights so he can blame me for the lack of sex, or use it as an excuse for why he doesn’t want it either. And yeah, a small part of me wonders if he’s cheating… but at the same time, I don’t even care enough to dig into it, which probably says everything.

I feel like I’m living in hell and I’m so close to leaving. But what messes with my head is that I still want sex. Why??

he always has to sit in the exact spot I was just sitting at. it's so bizarre and irritating. he has double standards about everything, and talking to him about this kind of stuff always leads to an argument. this is petty but it's genuinely annoying. I feel like everytime I have a comfortable spot for myself and I turn away for two seconds he disrupts it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Update: For people asking why don't I leave, I've been trying to pull off my exit plan for months, things just kept going wrong and I fell into a depression. I don't have a support system besides youtube videos and an aunt that's in another province. I got a new job that starts this week... I really want to leave and I plan on leaving.

my husband has been pretending to snore. I know he's awake when he is doing this because we have been married for 15 years. he gets mad/defensive when I bring it up and even went as far as getting a sleep study, which showed that he doesn't have sleep apnea (shocker!!). When he's actually sleeping, he's quiet. I know this, because I wake up in the night. I want separate bedrooms, but that makes him upset. I truly think he does this to be annoying to me and it gets worse when he's stressed at work. I already have difficulty sleeping and I'm starting to not give a fuck about his feelings anymore.

Sorry this is so long, I just genuinely don’t know who to talk to about this. My ex (21M) and I (23F) dated for about 3 months after becoming really close friends through work, and things moved way too fast. We even almost got married and got a marriage license very early on, but never went through with it. He was a virgin waiting for marriage, and after he convinced himself it was okay because of the license, we slept together—but right after that, things started going downhill and he would guilt me about it.

The relationship became really controlling and unhealthy—he criticized what I wore, discouraged makeup, nails, and self-expression, and called me names like “fat” or “crybaby.” He would also say that I needed to be told these things so I could “learn how to take it,” because if I hear it from him, then I could hear it from anybody and nothing would ever bother me, and I needed to learn to not care what others think. What’s confusing is he knew exactly how I dressed and who I was before we got together—I wore the same outfits and did my makeup the same way—and only started criticizing it after. He still does. He’ll even say he won’t go out with me unless I wear oversized baggy clothes, which makes me feel like a bum when I’m actually really girly and love dressing up.

I have BPD and can be emotionally reactive, and I’ll own that—I used to lash out quickly during arguments, but I’ve been trying really hard to grow and hear people out instead of immediately reacting. I know I’m not perfect, but I felt like he constantly invalidated me instead of supporting me, saying my emotions were “from the devil” and that I needed to rely on God instead of him. I was raised Catholic and am definitely closer to God now, and I understand faith and conservative beliefs, but he takes it to an extreme. He seems to think his way is the only correct way, and I feel like spirituality shouldn’t be forced on someone or confined to strict rules. He would also try to “parent” me, and that’s really triggering because I have childhood trauma and a bad relationship with my parents. When he does that, it makes me feel like I’m that same kid again—like I’m too much, out of control, and about to be sent away because no one can handle me. It genuinely makes me feel like I’m losing my mind.

I also struggled with smoking weed and have a love-hate relationship with it. He knew this before we got together, and while I sometimes slipped up—especially when I found out my best friend had died—he always got really mad, which upset me deeply. I understand I didn’t tell him right away, and I know lying wasn’t okay, but I also worried he would criticize me instead of understanding that mistakes happen. Meanwhile, he used to smoke and drink heavily before he “found God,” and even recently while we’ve been friends, he smoked and had a few drinks at my apartment “to remember why he stopped.” I couldn’t believe it—it felt hypocritical given how much he shamed me for the exact same behaviors during our relationship. He even made my 23rd birthday really stressful because I had a small celebration with friends and his brother, and he refused to come, shaming my friends for drinking and wearing what he considered revealing clothing. I was anxious the whole day, worried he would dump me, which made it impossible to enjoy myself.

Now we’re broken up but still very involved in each other’s lives. We work together, I take him to work and drop him off because he doesn’t have a car and his mom’s is in the shop. he still comes over and helps with bills, and I’m really close with his mom and brother—they still love me and I love them. His mom even jokes that we’re just “two stupid young kids in love” and that we’re both dumb and learning, which honestly might be true. But it makes it so much harder to separate. I don’t feel like I can fully cut him off because of how close I am to all of them, and even if I tried, I’d still run into them constantly. I also don’t think he’d respect that boundary—he’s shown up before and tends to push past limits. Even when we were together, if I wanted privacy (like showering or using the bathroom), he would literally unlock the door with a knife and come in, saying I needed to “get used to it.” Most of the time things feel okay or even good—we still laugh, hang out, and have our moments—but anytime I stand up for myself, get emotional, or have a mood shift, he gets annoyed or critical. Sometimes things get physical in a joking way that turns into real bruises.

I genuinely tried to change myself to make him happy—trying to be completely different, saying yes to everything, suppressing my emotions, trying not to cry or react or disagree with anything he said—but he still broke up with me after three months, the night before my best friend’s funeral. He told me I didn’t have the heart he was looking for and that he had seen someone else at work who “had the heart” he wanted. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about her, deserved better in life, and didn’t want to lead me on.

I know I have my own issues, but I genuinely feel like he brings out the worst, most reactive parts of me because he treats me more like someone to control or parent than an equal partner. I’ve learned things from this relationship, so I’m grateful in that sense, but I feel stuck, overwhelmed, and honestly a little crazy. I want to move on and not have to worry about him anymore, but I don’t know how to set boundaries or separate without losing everything connected to him—or making things worse. not looking for a who was right who was wrong just how to move forward. I also wanted to add that we are not sleeping together. We haven’t slept together since a month before he broke up.

A couple things escalated to the point where I had to call the police. He had broken numerous things of mine. But this most recent time he forced me to go to his family event and said if I didn’t bring him, he’d break everything I own in the middle of going I stopped at a gas station and called the police. He threatened to kill me, but they didn’t arrest him. Instead he ran away and he left. This is the first time I called the cops, even though he broke my stuff before. Yes I know it’s the right thing for him to be gone and I’m hoping for good this time. I had told him before that we could not live together because he is this way and he won’t keep a job. Even even though we agreed not to live together he’s like no I live here. He only keeps a job for a couple weeks and then quits and I’m not buying him a car and he needs to save up for it. But anyways, I’m just over it. I had a fight or flight response and I couldn’t feel my legs, my hands. Everything felt numb. The cop asked me well. Do you think he would do it when I told him that he threatened me. And I was like yeah I mean while he’s broken my stuff. Yes I’m still sad about things and missing him. The good times I mean, but I do feel some relief. Because I know it’s not normal and it keeps getting worse and worse like it’s OK for three weeks and then boom like he flies off the handle when I say no to anything taking my car or anything.

I’m at my wits end.

My bf of 15 years lies about everything, has disgusting table manners, and thinks my money is our money.

He wasn’t always like this. I don’t think he was. I’ve been supporting us for 15 years. I funded a business we both worked at. It made money but we used that to live. The money we have (almost all in my name only) is what I had before we got together.

He just turned 62 and is getting social security, so I feel like this is my opportunity to get out. I feel so guilty. He doesn’t know I know about the lies and doesn’t know I want to leave.

He says he retired from the army when I know he did 8 years, just like me. He relates conversations I know didn’t happen. He tells other people’s stories as his own, including mine. He started smoking again 7 year ago and I’ve been pretending I don’t know.

I have a master’s degree and a decent amount of money. I worked for it. And I inherited some. But he brags about his business sense and how he built our wealth. Looks down on people with less.

He chews with his mouth open and talks with food in his mouth. He coughs into the phone and into my face. He’s feral. And once in a while he loses control of his bowels and poops on the floor.

I know this isn’t my responsibility. Why do I feel so guilty?

I’m starting to realize that I don’t think I like my husband. He’s hurt me too many times. I never asked for muchI don’t ask him for money or help with bills. If anything, I’ve been the one supporting him during his struggles.

But he has failed me too many times when I asked for something simple protection from his family. He always had a hard time doing that. I still married him because he told me he would change, but he never did.

Now that I’m postpartum, everything has gotten worse. He saw me pregnant for 9 months. He saw me barely able to walk after a severe tear. He saw me struggling, yet still giving our child my all, breastfeeding through heavy stress. He sees everything, yet he still treats me terribly.

He couldn’t do the most basic thing I asked for protect me and not let his family cause me stress. Instead, he’s too busy protecting them.

We don’t hug or show affection anymore because, more and more, I feel like he doesn’t like me. And that makes me feel like I don’t like him either. Even though he claims he loves me and says the problem is one sided that I’m the only one who has an issue with him that’s not true. I have a problem with how he treats me. I don’t like the way he treats me, and I don’t like the things he does.