Am I overreacting for being fed up that my husband won’t defend me to his parents?
ETA UPDATE: per my husband, he doesn’t see how his dad was disrespectful (saying that I have emotional problems and that whatever I *think* they did doesn’t justify me not wanting them around). Apparently since his dad is older and has BPD then its okay that he will have “moments of frustration”
Then he goes on to say “You are probably going to take all this as me taking their side but it’s really not. I’m 100% with you. I’m just not seeing things the same way you do and I’m sorry if you think that that means I’m not doing my job as a husband. “
How can you side with your wife 100% when you won’t even defend her?!?!?! I genuinely don’t understand where the disconnect is, it’s really not that hard to see!
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I genuinely don’t think I’m overreacting, but I feel like I’m hitting a breaking point and need outside perspective.
For context, my relationship with my in-laws completely disintegrated after I had my child. During my labor, birth, and postpartum period, they repeatedly ignored my boundaries and made the entire experience about themselves and how my labor didn’t go the way my mother in law wanted it to go.
If any other context is wanted, I have plenty of posts on my page and other subs that go into much more detail about how truly shitty this whole situation is.
Some other things happened with the entitlement that they felt towards MY baby, and it got to the point where I felt disrespected and uncomfortable enough that I went no contact a few months after giving birth.
Our child is now almost 2, and since then there’s been a consistent pattern. Every couple of months, my father-in-law sends my husband a message saying that what they did “wasn’t that bad,” that my reaction is unjustified, and then they demand access to our child. Not only did they do to me what they did during my postpartum period but my mother-in-law suffers with severe mental health issues, and my father-in-law is an enabler. But I’m always framed as the problem.
The issue is my husband.
He says he agrees with me and that he understands why I feel the way I do, but when his parents bring this up, he shuts down. He avoids confrontation and doesn’t correct them or defend me in the moment. Then things go quiet again until the next time it happens.
I had to push him months postpartum just to have one conversation with them about what happened, and clearly it didn’t land because nothing has changed. He actually ended up having a conversation with him on three different occasions, but each time it either went in one or not the other or he didn’t relay the message the way that I hoped that he would.
What really upset me this time is that after his dad sent another message blaming me, my husband said he “didn’t have the energy” to address it, but is now planning on going and having some quality time with his dad this afternoon and acting like nothing ever happened.
Meanwhile, I’m left feeling completely unsupported and honestly questioning how sustainable this is long-term. I’ve told him we need couples therapy before anything changes, because I don’t feel protected in this situation at all.
I’m not asking him to cut off his parents completely. i’ve actually told him that he’s allowed to have whatever relationship he wants to do with his parents, but to leave me out of it and that our child is not gonna be going around them. I’m asking him to set boundaries and defend me when they directly blame and disrespect me.
AIO for being this fed up?!