r/DID

I currently work at a Jewish food justice farm attached to a synagogue, and I love my job.

I was raised Jewish, have studied Talmud at a queer yeshiva, have taken classes in Jewish studies in college, at one point I wanted to be a Reconstructionist rabbi. So you can imagine being Jewish is a huge part of my identity.

The problem is, I can’t access any of it while I’m at work. I can’t remember anything I studied, or read Hebrew, can’t remember if I use Hashem or G-d in conversation. I can’t remember how to pronounce words. I’ve told my boss I have memory issues, and for some reason told them about my PTSD. But it’s like work-me can’t access Jewish-me. It’s horrible. I don’t know how to fix it, it’s so embarrassing. I need to know all the “Jewish stuff” at work because it’s like 50% of the work. I interact with people who come in to get free food, community members, I educate kids from the attached elementary and middle school, etc. and I keep failing miserably because I can’t access my own knowledge.

Apparently, I don’t have a shift on Monday, and I got to learn on this Monday that the local trans organization in my city could do the affidavit part (person who knows me since at least 1 year), for the gender marker/name change paperwork

It’s ironic that I never thought about asking them to fill that part of the paperwork

But their working hours are always between 1-4PM, right in my work schedule

And even more ironically, this specific coming Monday, is the day that the juridical clinic for trans people, comes at that trans organization

Everything is falling into place for my gender marker/name change paperwork to be fully filled and sent on Monday

I’ve been waiting for that for 8 f*cking years! I’m so happy, so excited! 🥹🥹🥹

It’s ironic that I never thought about asking them, them who knew me from the very first day I did my coming out (my first coming out was done to them)

They saw the growth of my transition, since these 8.5 years (minus the 3 years I’ve lived in another city)

Officially, I finally decided that the full name I’ll ask for, will incorporate mine and those of the 2 other Alters who fronts the most in our System

Them two being written in the second name section, so I can honour my 2 main Alters who are the most active in our System

I’d still daily use my name (name of the host) as my signature, but putting them on the second name list, makes them recognized by me, so whenever they front, and are dealing with authorities, they can be acknowledged legally too

Is it something common in the D.I.D. Community to get your System recognized legally by a name change?

Hello. I'm not really sure how to start this, but I just need some advice.

Yesterday, my girlfriend had just lost someone really close to her, so I knew she wasn't okay. We were talking and she felt angry, but then the way she spoke changed and I knew something was up. I think I might have been talking to a different part or alter of her (I don't know the right term, so I'm sorry if I say anything wrong!). They told me that my girlfriend wasn't there, and not her other alter either. I asked if it was okay to know who I was talking to, but they didn't want to share their name so I respected that and just said I'm here for them no matter what.

Now it's the next morning and when I talked to her again, she seemed really confused and asked me what happened. Felt like she didn't remember the conversation at all. I don't really know what to do in situations like this. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing and accidentally triggering her or making her feel worse or distant from me.

If this happens again, what should I say when she asks me what happened? Should I tell her everything or keep it simple?

Another thing is I don't know how to properly address different parts of her if they show up again, but one thing's for sure is that I do and will love all of her. She also can't access a therapist right now because shes in an abusive household and it would make things worse if they found out. She plans to leave as soon as she can and I'm planning to help her get proper support when that happens. I know this is way beyond what I can handle alone, but I just want to do the best I can for now.

If anyone here has experienced something similar, what would you want your partner to do in moments like this?

(Also haha, if by any chance you see this, I’m here, always will be. I love you.)

Just started the newest season of Ghosts (didnt even realize it was out lol) and I forgot how relatable it was.

The beginning if the 5th season theyre trying to make friends and its really hard for Sam to socialize when the Ghosts are also a part of the conversation and the humans cant see/hear them, she gets confused and awkward and struggles to make it through a conversation.

Im realizing how much I feel like this when I go out and am trying to talk to people but theres often constant interjections and it can be hard to deal with, its hard to follow whats happening irl and what's in my head seperately...and often I lose the convo thread and just forget what I was saying/what the conversation is about.

Anyone else watch it and relate?

Also, any coping mechanisms?

I worked with a therapist and got to a point where I was able to build more of a communication system internally ? But I had to change therapists and have been on a waiting list for a DID knowledgeable one for like 2 years. We feel more in touch with each other and info gets passed around a lot easier but everyone also feels very loud all of the time and my memory is still pretty bad, but I generally dont lose days anymore.

Idk I feel like ive been stuck in this place for these 2 years and it kind of has isolated me into my own world. I interact with people but its hard to make deeper connections when theres this whole complex part of you that involves deep explaining and exploring to really like, understand?

My partner knows everything and its so nice to interact with them, but outside of that it feels like theres this layer of distance with everyone because I have this persona that is somewhat me. I assign my go to faves and everything but it also doesnt actually fit any of us alone. And i dont really feel like i can just relax and be my true self when im around anyone other than my partner, im kind of playing a role.

I dont really know what to do next, eventually I will work with a therapist again, but in the meantime is there any good resources? Should I even try to do anything without guidance?

How do you handle it when several parts are speaking at once, each with different needs, fears, or opinions? When parts want different things, like shutting down, explaining, getting angry, feeling scared, or staying functional, how do you slow things down without ignoring anyone? Do you write it out, talk internally, map it, ask them to take turns, or use another process? What actually helps in the moment when it feels noisy or overwhelming?

I am married but my wife doesn't spend time with me or want to be around me because I am autistic and we are very different. She denies that, but we spend no time together and she is dismissive and always too busy to even talk. On top of that, she feels my alters/DID is overwhelming and so she doesn't know my alters and the only part she does know is now fused with another and so not present. She doesn't seem to get that the only chance we have as a couple is for her to get to know the new host/main fronters.

The problem is that being alone/unwanted at home is triggering due to childhood trauma and so I am constantly upset and on guard and triggered at home. I am a protector who has been fronting for months at a time since October 2025.

How are we supposed to heal if I am the only part out and home isn't safe? I mean, I am strong and can endure this, but I can't heal attachment trauma when it is ongoing and there is no downtime and acceptance. I can continue working and living, but not heal. Or at least I don't see how to heal in this situation.

I'm new to this subreddit, I joined mostly to share my story. I'm open to any questions or advise. And before anyone asks, I am trying to find a therapist now and have supports helping me. I HAVE been officially diagnosed with DID, I don't know if that is requirement, but still.

So I've been trying to write this for a while and think I'm finally ready. I (18 M) just had a “Breakup” with my "Boyfriend" (17 M) Lets call him Ted. We both have what's called Dispositive Identity Disorder. I used quotation marks because Ted was dating 2 of my Alters, Hector and Calix, and a lot of our alters were dating each other. I did not like him romantically at all, I saw Ted as a brother. I should also say, the age gap is not illegal in our state. In our state, the age of consent is 14-17, 15-18, 16- 29, and 17 can connect to anyone 14 and up. It’s gross, I know. I hate that that is the rule, but I need to say it. 
Me and Ted had known each other since his freshman year which was my Jr year in high school. Our alters started dating when I was a freshman in College and he was a jr in Highschool, 2025. We did everything together and were barely apart. Ted was extremely suicidal and I spent every moment with him in fear he would kill himself, because when we took some time apart, he would sometimes get really depressed and try to hurt or kill himself.  Another important thing to mention is that his family is abusive. He could barely eat without getting in trouble and his parents would not even notice if he killed himself. 

So Ted and I were talking about moving in together because he was not safe at home and he stated he actually felt happy when he was with me.  Calix was trying to convince him to move into my dorm because my roommate had just moved out. Then a light fell and Calix said, “oh well, that means you shouldn't move in, that's a sign.” And Ted said , “it's a sign , I should live with you and come move in at the dorm” Then he moved in for a few days and I called the school and child protective services to try and help him not need his mother's signature for things. 
Then they came to the dorm.  A police officer told him that if his mom reported him missing, then he'd have to go back with her and that made more depressed. We were also told he can’t stay in the dorm. Then we realized I didn't have enough money to get an apartment and we tried to find other ways around it. Homeless shelters wouldn't take us because Ted was a minor. I was calling a local homeless shelter when Ted went and took a bath. Well, stated a little later that he was going to slit his wrists and he had drunk bleach right before that. He came out and vomited a little later, though at first he lied about why the bleach was out, and then told Hector about it And that's when we both tried to kill ourselves after I tried to convince them there were other ways, and we could do something about it, he just kept saying we should kill ourselves I tried to get him to go to the hospital, but he refused. He said he wanted to wait till the next morning , but he had just drank bleach and I wanted to get him to the hospital, but he refused. 
So Him and Hector both tried to kill themselves but stopped. The next morning we both went to the ER where we agreed to see each other when we got out of the hospital. 
I got out first and started texting him about my plans. He ended up texting me, “Please do not contact me again.” but I was convinced it was his mom telling him to do that because I had texted her beforehand asking to talk to him and she claimed I almost killed him. 
So, a few days later, I showed up at his school to try and talk. He just stared at me and walked past. Then when I got home, I texted his friends. One, Dee, and I had this conversation. 

• Me: Hey
• Dee: Hi
• Me: Did Ted say anything?
• I was parked outside, does he wanna talk?
• Dee: No
• Me: No to talking or no to saying anything?
• Dee: I, and all of us, would appreciate it if you stayed away from him.
• Me: What happened? I don't know what I did
• Dee: Just stay away.
• Me: Why? Please tell me what happened
• Dee: Listen to me. If you do not stay away from him, I will call the cops. I am not afraid to do so and I have family on the force. You stay away from him.
• Me: What did I do?! I will stay Away
• Dee: I'm not saying anything else and I don't want to hear anything from you.
• If I see you in that parking lot again, the police will be called .Do you understand?
• Me: Yes

Then I texted another friend, Peter. This is how that conversation went, 
Me: Hey.
 Peter: no 
Me: what please. I just wanna know what I did. 
Peter: You know you're not stupid 
Me: I don't know. Was it the killing ourselves? Because Ted already tried to and I ended up stopping it before we did anything. 
Peter: yeah, you do
 Me: Was it that 
Peter: I don't believe a word, your dumb a** says  
Me: what 
Peter: f*** off 
Me: please. What happened. 
Peter: I was told you came here. Did ya 
Me: Yes, cause I don't know what's going on. And I didn't know if TED wanted to talk to me or not, 
Peter: you know, you did, that's the issue you're aware 
Me: about what please just tell me was it the suicide, or was it something else? 
Peter: You were the reason my friend almost killed himself. You f****** dumb a** you're the reason he thought everyone hated him and I know you. You came because you wanted to rub this s*** in real good. You can't make me think you're fine.  
Me: what? I never wanted him to kill himself. 
Peter: you're a piece of ducking s*** that might as well come out of my dog's a** I hope you aren't ever happy in life and I hope you don't come near him again because I will pummel your a** 
Me:  I wanted to stop but he drank bleach , and cried saying it was the only way out i care about he's everything to me. I wanted to kill myself because he was going to I can't live without him. I just want him to be happy. That's all I wanted for him
After these Texts, I slit my wrist, I couldn’t live knowing he hated me. I ended up going to another mental hospital and getting out within a week. I was doing good until Ted sent me an email, which said, 

“Hello, OP. Honestly, I didn't want to write this message. I wanted to keep myself away from you, but I want you to ache how I ache.
I fucking hate you. Adolf's (My dad who was one of his alters) last words before the meds got rid of him were, "I no longer have a son. He's a vile, disgusting man. I've lost my boy". 
Don't you understand what you did to me? You're a narcissistic manipulator and a borderline groomer. I was a minor. I am a minor. You're an adult man and you took me from my home, isolated me from my friends, and almost killed me.

 I almost died. YOU ALMOST KILLED ME. Do you understand that?  You pushed me to the bring of wanting to end my own life 24/7. YOU did that.  These weeks without you have been the most freeing, wonderful weeks of my life.
I saw your car down the street the other day. I want you to know that just seeing your car strikes me with so much fear and panic. I cried. I cried because you ruined me. You ruined everything for me, and I've spent the past few days building myself back up. I'm better now because you're gone. I'm living happily without you breathing down my neck and yanking me around on a leash like a dying dog. I'm no longer rotting away as I think of ways to keep you pleased. I'm thinking about myself.

Things changed in the mental hospital. I grew to hate you. Everyone did. Calix, Hector, Six, Richtofen- Everyone.
 And if you ever turn and ask yourself why all of your friends leave you, just know that it's not because "something's wrong with them", it's because you're a horrible, disgusting person. Get help, and live a long, long life. I hope you have the time to think this over and fix yourself. You need it. May God have mercy on your wretched soul
I'll be blocking your account after this, just as I have blocked you on everything else. Goodbye. Don't come near me ever again.”
After the letter, I overdosed. I overdosed on Christmas because of him. Now I'm out and back at MY abuser's house because I have nowhere else to go. 

One of my alters disproved what Ted said and wrote notes detailing why it's wrong. This alter is a version of Ted, just grown up and still dating Calix and Hector. 
“He brought up your dying fathers words. Did he know he was disappearing? What does he mean he "Lost his boy" He has been the same person the entire time, he would have never had a boy if you were that bad”

“You were honest from the beginning that you thought you were a manipulator and was bad but he always said you were not and even told you to leave your friends. He told you that all of your friends are bad. (Friends of mine) are the best people in your life and he kept you away from them. 
He TOLD you he wanted to move in with you and said "It was a sign" When the light fell even though Calix said it was a sign not to move in, he said it was a sign to move in. It was his choice. It was him who said his mom was abusive and he needed to leave. Which was a true statement
Also, he told you he was 30, my age. He said he was an adult in a child's body and kept crying because he couldn't make adult decisions. He is a child, but so are you. He is 17 and you are 18. He also kept saying you weren't an adult because you're in the teens. Telling you to quit your job because you shouldn't have one since your a kid, He needs to make up his mind”

“He was the one that drank bleach and told HECTOR of all people he wanted to die. You did nothing but try to help him. You did nothing but try to make him happy even though it made YOU want to kill yourself. He almost killed YOU. You only wanted to kill yourself because HE kept saying you were the only thing he was living for but still tried to kill himself.”

“The same is true to you. You can not even see fried potatoes without crying because of him. You are better now he's gone because you are thinking about yourself for once”

“All of these people (Besides Six who already made you want to kill yourself) are in your head and say they do not hate you. No offence, but they are in HIS head, they HAVE to think what he thinks. Calix, Hector, Gob, Richtofen, everyone who YOU care about, do not hate you. We all love you”

“No you're not. You put others above yourself but when you try to talk to them like they can talk to you, they say you are ruining them. He may say he's my age, he's immature and can't talk about his feelings. He needs to grow up if he is saying he's 30. He is the one who needs help, I'm glad he got it. You deserve better”

Ted also took a lot of my things including my computer and tablet from the apartment and won't give them back. He also told people I was stalking him and telling them lies about the situation. I also recently realized he left when I became poor and could not buy him anything anymore, even though he was the one who had quit my first job and spent my savings on him and other people. I know It was my overall decision to do these things, but it is hard when you have someone you trust and believe in telling him you only need him. 
I didn’t know what to do, so I decided to write it out. If you have any questions please ask. I want to be as transparent as possible. 

I tried to post this before but it got taken down off of another subreddit. 

Things have gotten worse. I posted a post on Instagram apologizing and saying goodbye. Just to get my feelings out there. Well he posted something after that calling me a F*cking monster and saying he’s happy (and I’m glad he is) an hour ago (Of writing this) He posted a post nit picking my spelling and saying it was vague, it was supposed to be! There were a few people I wanted to apologize for hurting, even though it was mainly for Ted. 

Just for the record, I am not diagnosed with DID but I know I have dissociative symptoms that are similar, so I’ve spent a lot of time in these spaces because the coping skills and recovery process helps.

A few weeks ago I made a post on a subreddit completely unrelated to mental health or DID and a system responded with their view on it as a system. I don’t know why, it really stressed me out. First hand accounts on subreddits unrelatedto DID or MH describing multiple personalities in lots of detail really stress me out (surface level doesn’t bother me much). Other social medias keeps recommending system blogs and I genuinely don’t want to see them.

I don’t know what it is. I’m at peace with the fact that I experience dissociative symptoms and with the fact that plenty of coping skills overlap and help me. I just don’t want to constantly be faced with it. I also get scared when people bring it up because I’m scared they think that’s what I have. The idea of someone ‘clocking me’ as a system actually terrifies me. I think the idea the algorithm is grouping me that way doesn’t help.

I feel really horrible about this, though. It’s no one’s fault that someone with a MH disorder happens to just be in public. I don’t know how to stop, because it is not reasonable to expect people with DID to just, not be there, especially when subreddits like this one have helped me so much.

It’s an irrational trigger, it just comes from the fear of being seen, but I don’t know how to deal with it because I am not always in a headspace where I am ready to confront my symptoms.

I’m sorry if I am not allowed to post this but if anyone has any advice or similar experiences I’d appreciate it.

We have used sims 4 for awhile now but we are so done with the game constantly breaking from cc because thats the only way to make it realistic. Has anyone used inzoi to make their system before, and/or does anyone have suggestions for how to do this? Same with inner world building, sims worked ok but not the best we wish there was a combo between like sims/inzoi and minecraft for the open world building, so any suggestions there would be super helpful too. We love how we could all find super unique very us cc in sims 4 but cant handle the glitches anymore

Only looking for more realistic things like how sims and inzoi are please

And I hate it. I feel like I have nothing left in myself that can create a sense of pride. Of self belief.

Before discovering it all, I thought, "Im such a thoughtful and caring person." Turns out I just always tried to view the world from other people's perspective cause I learned that mine doesn't matter. I thought that I had this exceptional control over my emotions. It was just so easy for me to think logically about everything. No, I had no access to my emotional states. I was just numbed the fuck out. It's like everything that I used to tell myself that would give me some sense of self esteem was a lie. It was never _me_ its was just fucking coping mechanisms. Everything i thought i knew about myself, my personality, was just one big system of coping mechanisms.

I am afraid that im not...liking myself anymore.

I feel like this is a non issue. On the one hand its like, if I recognize that my coping mechanisms aren't me, that clears the fog to finally understand myself and allow myself to grow. But on the other, im so scared that im just like everyone else when everyone else have been such sources of pain for me. I dont want to be like everyone else. I want to be perfect.

At first, the purpose of parts that handle daily life was often just to survive and hide internal activity. However, life should not simply be about survival and hiding, it is an opportunity to witness the world and ourselves. Daily life parts have unique access to the outside world. The outside world is a rich source of knowledge and wisdom to empower the system. So I think it is up to the daily life parts to learn as much useful information from the aspects of life they have more access to. Otherwise, no new information enters the system and we repeat old and outdated patterns. Parts who handle social interaction are especially important. They have the opportunity to learn healthy social dynamics to model for internal parts who have no such knowledge. This is very difficult and takes great effort and hard work. But it will be worth it, I hope.

To any anyone in the sub who has children that they were pregnant with, how did your male alters feel throughout the pregnancy?

Sorry, I just had to ask because I’m genuinely curious.
Because I can imagine there being some dysphoria and maybe even emotional detachment from it all.

i have been feeling crazy insecure lately about being “cringe”. i have been diagnosed with DID for a year and in treatment for it for over two years. i 100% have DID. it impacts me every single day. the trauma symptoms, while much improved, are never ending and i would not wish this upon my worst enemy.

but i feel so totally ridiculous about it. like… come on man. why did it have to be DID. i feel like a middle schoolers edgy original character, complete with a comically sad back story. we used to be very covert but with treatment our presentation has become much more overt. my close friend, partner, and therapist are able to tell immediately who they’re talking to. we speak differently, dress differently, hold ourselves differently, have very different gender presentations and sexualities, and different hobbies. we have tons and tons of very visible SH scars all over our body. most of my parts are transgender and queer. most of our parts are kinky. some of our parts are poly. one of my parts is a furry for christ’s sake.

it’s just so dumb and silly how i came out. i always wanted to rise above all the shit that happened to me and become a kind, normal person who you would never guess went through all the shit i did. now i am extremely visibly mentally ill and even if i wasn’t i wouldn’t fit in anyways.

it just sucks. i wish i could get rid of it.

My alters are mostly the result of stress reactions, some of which I don't even know the trigger of yet.

I met a girl who has DID irl (first time ever) and we hit it off pretty well. But her system is so much far ahead than mine is integration-wise. She's really curious about me as a whole and she's very supportive, but it's just that my system is so fundamentally different than how hers works:

I have alters I don't want to be out because they're too fragile, or they SH, or they only get out when a bad argument is happening, and one alter she's really interested in knowing who just disappeared after a tremendously traumatic period, and one alter whose trigger is various trauma talk.

I feel like I can't be a full person around others because of either limits I have imposed on myself or just the low likelihood others will show up at any time.

I think I'm a controlling host, I notice it in the way I speak almost possessively of the others and am usually ashamed of them, so I know my relationship with them should get better to allow for further openness, I just don't know where to start. It's so lonely honestly, we are no longer under constant threat and there's no more reason for parts to show up how much they used to, but now someone would like to meet them...?

We're really going through it right now* and (not for the first time) are considering whether time in mental health inpatient may be necessary if things don't improve in terms of our ability to stay safe. I'm scared to go though because I really don't know what to expect and I've not heard anything good about inpatient care but I think it may be our only option if things continue to get worse instead of improving.

We are wondering if anybody would be able to share their own experiences with inpatient mental health care in the UK (NHS England specifically).

For us, it's really difficult to tell the difference between many of the common fronters. In the headspace, I frequently mix up Zeta and Theta, as well as Rho and Kappa, and Rho had once said that Zeta and I are incredibly similar-feeling (as far as Theta, I'm not sure that she's ever shown up at the same time as the others). However, it's pretty easy to tell Kappa and Zeta apart due to how differently their "vibes" present.

Oftentimes, we are co-con and we end up blending or shifting pretty quickly between one another, and even though Zeta and I are similar, we still confict with one another sometimes, and it's confusing to us especially when we still have trouble determining how many of us are up front at any given time.

I'm curious on other people's experiences with this, as our experiences with one another in the headspace can sometimes be frustrating or funny when we think one person is there and it's actually another—or both people! :)

For the better part of a week it’s been pretty stressful, life thing happen, and we’ve been have a hard time with a specific persecutor (Its name is Shade). He goes by he/it. Shade is a shapeshifter inner world and that’s where he is most of the time. It never fronts unless it gets scared but it only ever ends badly. His job is to continue abuse we have endured in the past.

One of our main protectors Micaphell has the task of making sure Shade is away from everyone else. However in turn Micah believes Shade is his “sin” (Micah is an angelic alter). Shade keeps hurting Micah but he won’t let anyone help him or even temporarily remove Shade from his care.

Micah writes in our journal weekly about how much he loves Shade but that he can’t handle the pain, and wants to give up. Other protectors have tried to help but Micah refuses and it causes many arguments. He says he deserves it for being sinful, and that “prophet” Will see his sacrifice.

Our only solution has been to try and have Micah be in front more, and maybe find him a friend or something else he can use to help cope. And for what it’s worth, when he fronts he gets along with our partner (their alters), our friends, and functions really well. But whenever he’s around Shade he’s like a shell of himself, and doesn’t want to interact with anyone. Any advice would be appreciated!

Hello! For those of you who are professionally diagnosed, did you have an "inner world" before starting therapy/receiving a diagnosis? If so, how did it present itself? Thanks in advance for any replies!

Say one has a responsibility that is 247. Like having a needy pet, or a child as a single parent. But, that part had to be created specifically to care take because it was never asked for.

So then you have like 10 other parts. And they do well and have their own coping skills and control and happy lives.

But it’s impossible to be a caretaker 247 and to be on call every second because other parts need to live and work and attempt to enjoy life.

So to stay organized, you try to stay on a routine. Like feed at this time everyday, walk at this time everyday blahblahblah. But then the pet/child doesn’t cooperate, when you intentionally switch into the caretaker part. And you’re only there for a limited time to get the needs done. So when they don’t cooperate, you switch back out and continue with life. But then the pet/child may come into your eye sight and alert you- and trigger you- back into caretaker part- the rest of the parts are upset cause they are like can u pleas e just let us stay consistently to finish xyz. I as a result don’t get anything done cause I’m switching back and forth. It makes me angry. It makes my body so angry. It’s frustrating and feels so out of control on top of the mind which is also out of control. I’ve tried everything.

I do have a new sitter they will now be going to 2x a week. So, maybe over time the stress meter will go down and therefore the frustration and rapid switching?

I feel so stupid, me as an alter, I can't stop associating everything with trauma, it's the most ridiculous things that set me off.

Eating, disgusting, I don't want anything anywhere near my mouth or anyone touching my mouth and even trying to eat is a nightmare and makes me want to cry.

I can't hear kids crying, I'm reminded of when I was crying. I look like an idiot rocking back and forth when I hear kids crying, trying myself to self soothe when it's just a kid having a tantrum from normal kid things like wanting to play longer, wanting a toy, etc, normal things.

Someone saying they want to hold me or that I'm held, I don't want to be held I want to be left alone and no one to ever lay a finger on me.

I feel like these thing shouldn't activate me so much, but I just feel so much disgust and horror that I will be violently shaking and crying and can't stop.

I'm a grown adult, I just want to feel like one.