u/Actual_Aioli_8622

And I hate it. I feel like I have nothing left in myself that can create a sense of pride. Of self belief.

Before discovering it all, I thought, "Im such a thoughtful and caring person." Turns out I just always tried to view the world from other people's perspective cause I learned that mine doesn't matter. I thought that I had this exceptional control over my emotions. It was just so easy for me to think logically about everything. No, I had no access to my emotional states. I was just numbed the fuck out. It's like everything that I used to tell myself that would give me some sense of self esteem was a lie. It was never _me_ its was just fucking coping mechanisms. Everything i thought i knew about myself, my personality, was just one big system of coping mechanisms.

I am afraid that im not...liking myself anymore.

I feel like this is a non issue. On the one hand its like, if I recognize that my coping mechanisms aren't me, that clears the fog to finally understand myself and allow myself to grow. But on the other, im so scared that im just like everyone else when everyone else have been such sources of pain for me. I dont want to be like everyone else. I want to be perfect.

Just got stopped today because from now on im going to have to pay $10 every time I go to this gym because its outside of my home gym's franchise jurisdiction.

This is a post to complain for the sake of complaining. Don't sell me this idea that if I pay extra to be a black card member that I'll be able to go to every planet fitness gym just to turn around and say "Well, if you go to a gym that isn't your home gym more than ten times, you'll have to pay an extra fee every time to use it after the 10th visit". I bought the membership because I travel for work and I like having consistent access to a gym. I guess I've just never made it to more than ten visits in the past, but even so, that's the point of me paying for the black card membership. I'm not going to pay that extra $10 fee, that's an extra $70 a week cause I go daily. And the manager said that even if I go to another gym, id still have to pay because all the PFs in this area are outside of my home gym franchise. WTF??