r/AlAnon

Anyone else here have this situation? My husband is a kind, smart, retired professional who has always been good to me, our family. He is supportive and a good partner in life. He stays fit and is attractive. He is not perfect (he isn't very sexual, doesn't tend to notice and compliment, can be argumentative over silly things, very picky and has stress issues). But he isn't falling behind on expenses, or blowing our money, or cheating, or day drinking or getting violent or any of that.

But I hate his nightly drinking. Hate it. He does it every night and has for most of our marriage (25 years). Usually 6-10+ glasses of red wine plus an occasional cocktail. I've set some boundaries around things like snoring at night (disruptive to my sleep is not okay), getting argumentative (I won't talk too him then), but otherwise, it's hard to tell him that I just hate that he does this. Plus I enjoy an occasional glass of wine or two myself - it's the consistent overindulgence I dislike. It scares me - my prior husband, also an alcoholic, literally died from this (after our divorce, but I loved him and it hurt to see him do this, even from afar, through our son, who it really hurt).

Anyway, what are thoughts on this - I feel like I can't complain but I also can't keep it inside that I hate that he does this, and thinks it's okay.

I believe my ex experienced alcohol induced psychosis and I feel like it has changed him on a cellular level. He is a narcissist but everyone I know who has interacted with him during the divorce aftet the children and I moved out were very put off by the weird things he said and do not think he is the same. But then he is dating women so I have no idea how he is able to do that? This whole situation is just a tragedy and I am glad he is no longer in our lives but there still are so many unanswered questions. If you experience this with a loved one, what happened? Please share your story if you can. I just feel so alone.

He's back from inpatient rehab for the 2nd time in 6 months. He bought vodka on his way home from rehab and has only maintained sobriety 2-3 days at a time here and there, despite becoming active in AA and attending meetings 1-2x per day, as well as frequently meeting with his recovery coach. Potential therapists have turned him down saying they weren't the right fit. His sponsor dropped him too. He's interviewed for a couple jobs, but no one is biting. It seems like this time he's trying more than he ever has, but it might just be theatrics since there hasn't been noticeable change.

The emotional abuse has escalated- I almost miss the simple obvious gaslighting. Now it's become a 24/7 manic episode of "You're my everything, I appreciate everything you've done for me" to "if you want me gone I'll just k*ll myself" to "I need you to do just 10% more, is that asking too much?" and "I'm just having a really hard time with you right now". When I try to leave he slams shut and blocks the door. I've tried calm and detached - it infuriated him that I wasn't mad enough. I've tried locking the myself in the bedroom - that actually escalated things even more. I've screamed and run out the back door when he was blocking the front- He laughed and said I was being dramatic. We can only interact with each other now on the front porch where he's less likely to scream at me in front of the neighbors.

We used to be each other's ride-or-d!e, but now I'm his emotional punching bag. I'm am the mirror reflecting back all of his issues, insecurities and misdeeds. I am suddenly his ultimate villain. But with how things are progressing, I'm scared, so I'm done. I feel embarrassed at the things I've tolerated. I am strong, smart, confident, & successful- and yet somehow I'm still in love with this jerk. So as much as this devastates me, while he's out of town to visit his folks, I'm going to call a divorce attorney and get this ball rolling.

I'm in my mid-thirties, and really want to have a child- but that's been on hold until his recovery is stable and trust is rebuilt. My therapist made a good point that is helping me get a little perspective on the larger picture: "You might grieve your marriage, find new love, and start a family with them, all in less time than it could take your husband to find stability."

Any tips or advice, reality checks, or kindred stories as I embark in this process/ next phase of my life is very much welcomed. Thank you all.

I'm a partner of a recently recovering alcoholic. They have 51 days sober today, but they developed a relationship with someone while in an inpatient program and within 16 days of me picking them up they replaced me with this person they met there. I caught her sending this guy nudes, and she's been going on dates but saying she's at meetings. She even went as far as to spend the night with him when she said she was going to visit her cousin and their divorced partner because he had cancer but the guy she met inside has his phone number all over her call logs and messages. I text the guy she he confirmed and verified they were together the whole time, without even putting information in this text.

My question is this something AA condones of its attending members? Replacing a handle a day drinking habit with a sexual relationship built from 16 days? Which ruined a 19 year partnership?

I'm done here can keep her!

I am new to AlAnon, haven’t officially joined a group or chapter yet. But anyway, I have been with my Q, my wife, for going on 12 years. It’s been a long road of ups and downs and pretty much everyone has been pushed away or left our lives at this point. I was being a fool about trying to help my wife, not accepting that I was powerless to do so, that they were powerless to do so, etc. Not taking it to be as serious as it really is this whole time. No kids involved, thankfully. Buckle up, this is going to be a long one, as I don’t know how else to spit it out.

I have reached my final limit, which I said like 4 years ago when they attacked me in an unprovoked, drunken rage (there have been a few). I always tried to go the route of treating their mental health rather than pressing charges and getting a restraining order. I just didn’t think that way, being naive. The gaslighting and twisting of events has been almost constant to the point that I just don’t talk about things with them, to keep the peace because my wife is clearly a narcissistic manipulator and delusional, and when they drink heavily enough, they can become psychotic and violent. It’s like they have multiple personalities and start believing they can read minds and affect reality with their drunken super powers. Being drunk is their “spiritual work,” and I have tried for many years to get through to them, which as I type this out I can see was way beyond my capabilities. For instance, they recorded themselves doing a breathing exercise drunk for one of the Artemis II astronauts because of some article that was posted about her breathing regulation (I have no idea). They posted it on Facebook where only my wife sees that post, and thinks that astronaut will psychically benefit from it… I was at work trying to get them to see reason and stop drinking for a bit. She insisted she had to continue or the landing wasnt going to succeed. “I have my own work to do!” she always says. I felt so bad for them, but they are dangerous. However, because I have taken actions in the past, such as a 5150 two years ago (this is a whole saga spanning several states and hospitals and attacks and suicide attempts on their part), they have become very careful about what they do and say.

For context, we had been living apart for two years after they moved to my state (after living in different states for almost two years after the last serious attack). There was a bad flood in their apartment in January, and their apartment complex was not handling it well so them moving in was really supposed to be temporary. I was set to have surgery and needed their help anyway. And then we could figure something else out. For two years they had me by the balls as a co-signer at this place, and every attempt to get them a job, or a cheaper place, it all fell through. I was paying for my apartment and theirs, so I have been busy working and not paying enough attention to details. Not catching the lies because I was NOT visiting them. They had been making some progress on drinking, or so I thought. But they were being awful about getting a job. Basically nothing for two years. Always self diagnosing disabilities and excuses all the time, exaggerating or making up racist encounters, you name it. Blaming their ptsd. Meanwhile I have ptsd, several diagnoses, am a disabled veteran, and have to work full time just to stay afloat because they leach everything. I don’t make those excuses. We wouldn’t survive if I did. I have been working full time with a double hernia for a year and a half also.

Anyway, I helped them move out of the old apartment end of February, and allegedly there was a period they had stopped drinking but I no longer believe anything they tell me. They were asking me for money for things, and over time it wasn’t adding up. Cat stuff usually, they were getting food stamps and eating better than I could afford but when I went over there, the litter box was in appalling shape. And the smell. Oh my god, the smell. Granted, the elevator was backed up for some reason, had flies, and there was a flood, a lot going on, but I was like, this is weird. And the kitchen was disgusting. I assumed the flood contributed to all of this. They were in a separate unit for a month so things were sitting. So I go the other unit, and it’s kind of a big mess, too. They would play those stupid phone app games to get just enough money to cash out and get a couple cans, then bug the shit out of me while I was working for like a dollar or two dollars and I would cave just so they would shut up. Try and tell them, set boundaries, limits, spend this on important things not alcohol, etc. try to give incentives. I had a surgery coming up and I needed their help. All of my family and friends are out of state, and I clearly can’t trust my wife to care for my cats without supervision. This was a big mistake on my part.

I can see how living with them has warped my own decisions and thinking so much. I had surgery on April 10th, and leading up to it, I was pushing really hard to get them sober and ready. Cleaning the apartment, having detailed conversations and instructions about what I needed and expecting, what to do, how to do things, the whole nine yards so everyone would be ready. Just in case there were complications. This had been a long time coming and I wanted it to go smoothly so I can get back to work and activity without needing a second surgery. I don’t have that much pto. They were drunk for most of those conversations, of course. They had been a care giver in a previous state we lived in, so I’m thinking, maybe they can get it together just for a little bit. We don’t need complete sobriety but let’s work on getting a little drier, please. I had to get everything ready myself, they’re asking me to pick up alcohol everyday, but then I start working nights right before surgery day and can’t. So they are using delivery (because they refuse to leave the apartment), so it’s costing me a fortune. We are beginning to fight a lot about this.

Then there’s an event at my work where police have to be called days before my surgery, I come home super stressed, trying to talk to them about it and they make it all about them somehow. My ptsd is through the roof. I make it to Friday though, surgery day, and we are asked to arrive super early. My wife starts going through withdrawals in the waiting room. She says it’s just anxiety. I’m just trying to stay calm but I’m so embarrassed. People are staring at us. When we finally go back, the nurses are making searching comments. At this point I am actually really calm, because I’ve completely given up. I’d rather be in the OR than be around this. But this is where I fucked up. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to be cognizant or not for the ride home, so I sent my Q extra money for Ubers (they refuse to drive after a car accident years ago). I overestimated because there was an event in town and they tend to jack up prices, and I had forgotten about a cancelled DoorDash order, so they ended up with way more than they needed. My mistake. They clearly cannot be trusted with any money whatsoever.

So this first week of my recovery it was Four Locos (14.8%) all day everyday, and when those ran out it was several 12 packs of white claw surges (8%). Delivered straight to our door. And there was nothing I could do about it. It took until the pain meds wore off before I could be in the right mind to really start to stand up for myself. The kitchen was destroyed, bags of trash never taken out, ten days past now and the apartment still smells. The cat litter was horrible. They were feeding me foods that were too dense, and the foods I had access too were too high in fiber and protein, I thought the surgery was not healing right. And they’ve been gaslighting me to the moon and back. Acting like this is perfectly fine and I should stop complaining and I’m just acting crazy. Acting like I’m the one who should have the cops called on them. Oh, and the landlord just happened to send a lease renewal during all of this which was digitally signed. I can hear the nurse saying before I left the hospital, “don’t make any important decisions while you’re on these medications.”

Man, I have made some bad choices. And I wasn’t even the one drinking. I’ve reached out to as many people as I can, but I think I’ve let them back in/stay in my life too many times that my friends and family just don’t want to get close and help anymore, and that’s on me. I made those choices trying to fill a hole that needed therapy and time and healing and accountability on my part. I might as well have been the one drinking at this point. It was a very similar behavior and addiction, in the sense that I am to blame for a lot of this. I basically let a feral animal into my home and expected it to behave otherwise. But being in such a vulnerable state and taken advantage of like this has really opened my eyes. I can’t call this something else, I can’t blame this on past trauma, I can’t do the old song and dance. I need to cut this person out of my life for good and seriously seek help for why I allowed this to go on for over a decade. I am utterly beside myself.

I am learning what “DARVA” is first hand, never heard of that before today. Hoped I spelled that right. I’m just trying to keep the peace for now because I know they won’t leave willingly and are riding that line of what they can and cannot do (as far as I know) before I can get police involved. They have made it clear they are going to frame it as me being the crazy one this time and may go above and beyond to lie about my actions and words, so I would need strong evidence to the contrary which I don’t have. God this has ballooned and there’s so much more I have left out. I have kept this all bottled up for so long. Ugh.

It feels good to get off my chest. I am feeling better physically, but there is no way I could defend myself if it came to that. I asked my mom to send someone to visit, I would pay for gas and hotel, but they don’t seem to be doing that. I emailed landlord to try and start a dialogue about what’s going on and what options I have. My whole life may end up imploding again because of my wife. I’m trying to stay safe and avoid that. But I’ve reach out to everyone I can aside from calling the police department directly. I was hoping for more of a response, but I can understand why there isn’t one. And I can see how my wife could spin this against me very easily. I really don’t have a lot of allies this time around.

TLDR; I had double hernia surgery and my wife went on a bender, and is now making reverse threats and gaslighting me now that I am clear headed enough to stand up for myself. I have demanded they get a job, stop drinking and move out, but they are on the lease and are refusing to do the responsible thing and are exhibiting worrying behaviors and making strange statements they may twist the truth if I involve the police. I do not have enough evidence this time to call, or to do a 5150, and worry about escalating, and am not physically recovered enough to really do much on my own. Damn that’s still long.

Hi all. I wrote about the events with my husband leading up to needing a protective order in a [previous post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/cqirG5FEJQ) . I wanted to say thank you to everyone who weighed in and helped me through this situation. I read through every single comment during the days leading up to the hearing. I did go through with the protective order. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I did not get everything I wanted unfortunately. My lawyer (who I got pro bono from a womens shelter) and I asked for visitation to be contingent on him going to rehab and aa, but we did not get that. Instead, the judge has allowed for my husband and I to work out visitation between ourselves. My lawyer said I can still tell him the terms I want since I have custody.

I am beyond crushed. This is not what I wanted and I take no joy in full custody of the kids. I still love him very much. My husband did not go to the trial and told his mother beforehand that he would not contest any of it. My best friend who hates him says he is a deadbeat and that is why, but his mother and sister say he is very distraught and remorseful. I am choosing to believe the latter. I am very lucky that his mother and I have become friends and have agreed on supervised visitation at her house. Since there is no custody agreement, it is on my terms. I was hoping the court could do more and hate that it is still on my shoulders. I am in a bit of shock.

I did write to him explaining what I expect from him. I (probably naively) told him I love him and I miss celebrating our 10 year anniversary last week. I told him I hope we can be a family again. He said "ok." He is very hard to read right now. I am filled with grief and hated that this had to happen, but I know it was the right thing. I do hope he gets better. I still really love him. Today is a heavy day. I miss him.

Hey everyone. I'm turning to you guys because I really don't know how to continue...

I would really appreciate to hear from your experiences or potentially getting advice from anyone who has went through something similar with a family member or somebody close.

My younger Brother (24 y/o male) has been exhibiting behaviors of depression and has been an alcoholic (our father was/is also a functional alcoholic for the past 20 years) for quite some time now.

It started to go downhill very rapidly within the past year when he quit his job and was just sitting around at home all day playing video games or doomscrolling all the time (whilst drinking secretly).

At some point it came as far as him admitting to me that he had suicidal thoughts and that he's not doing well and he wants to change. Also important to know that he opened up to me about this because he drank away the entrie wine cellar of my parents while they were out traveling for a few months (at least 40-60 bottles of expensive wine) and he asked me to help him out because he knew they would kick him out of the house for that.

I did the most I could and told my parents about my brothers mental state and that we need to help him. Everyone in the family is supportive and we encourage him to seek professional help and also I made clear to him that I'm his friend here and whatever happenes I'm always there for him and I love him and I want to help him.

Many lies and empty promises made by him later... He refuses to see that he has any problems (admitted to the fact that starting to drink was one of his biggest mistakes he made in his life whilst he was on a 2 month dry spell when we were in the US at my parents place where he had no access to alcohol) and he still drinks behind our backs and lies to me about it.

He does not want to go to therapy and also me offering him to go to AA meetings with him together (since he's socially anxious) he refuses. And every time the conversation becomes uncomfortable, he just shuts down completely and gets into his "autistic" mode as I call it and just looks blankly at the wall like a lobotomized person or just starts scrolling reels while we're having a conversation and refuses to look me in the eyes or acknowledge my existence.

The situation now is following. The apartment we live together in as a family has been sold and by end of year everyone has to be going their own way. My mom got fed up with this childish and jobless behavior and gave him an ultimatum. If he wants to stay in the apartment he has to send at least 3 job applications a week and put her in CC as proof and he needs to register at the regional employment center since he's been unemployed and leeching off the family (and me) for the past months... And now he's past the ultimatum and deadline and he's telling us how it's too much pressure for him to handle and that he cannot do it anymore (applying for jobs).

He has no money to his name and he seems not to care about anything except playing video games, scrolling (and drinking secretly). And every time he gets his hands on some money he spends it on food, snus, or video game purchases.

We explicitly told him that whatever help he needs we will support him to get any form of treatment and/or therapy and he refuses everything.

I really don't know what to do and I'm getting desperate... please if anyone has any experience or advice please share it with me...

Hi, my spouse just went to rehab for the first time and I’d like to learn how to change the dynamics of a spouse/qualifier relationship. Do you have any recommendations for resources on how to “detach with love”? I want to be there for him, but learn how to prioritize myself and not continue our codependent pattern from before. Thanks!

I’m the one with the ex husband currently in rehab and raising our teenage kids full time with my husband, wanted to give an update. The main thing is that my kids are doing well, we (hubby and I) have not discussed details other than their dad is away taking care of his health for an unknown amount of time and we will keep them informed about his availability. My 16 year old called it when she asked if it was his physical or mental health he was having care for and I said both. We asked them both to be honest with us if their dad being away upset either of them or if they had questions or ever needed to talk to not hold back their feelings and come to us any time. We’ve been providing some more social activities for both of them to help them make some new friends and be around kids and family. They also had a visit with their stepmother which was a bit hairy and will be thought about before attempting again.

Their dad apparently is coming home in a few weeks to resume work and start outpatient care per his wife/kids stepmother. I honestly don’t believe he’s going to transition well if he was as bad as explained by his wife prior to going to rehab, but they’re free to make that choice. Originally his counselor was recommending 90 days, now they’re just sending him home after a month? Not my circus. It speaks to a lack of stability with treatment but I’ll happily be wrong and eat crow if he proves me wrong. My only stake here is making sure he’s stable mentally and is sober before initiating supervised visits with our kids. But this plan isn’t passing the sniff test for me and I have to just let it happen.

Last relapse (a month ago) I was subjected to upwards of 25 phone calls a day. I answered because the back of my head always had a "what if the one time you don't answer is the time he means it" lingering there.

He tried to put me on the phone to goblins he could see. He told me he was drowning in a pool of blood. Said he had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Told me he wanted me to watch him die. Told me he was about to cut his throat, going to jump out of a window. I called an ambulance for him even though I knew they would just sober him up and send him away again. (He lives the other side of the country) And that's if he made it that far and didn't discharge himself as soon as he started to sober up.

But this time, I've hit a wall. I have no sympathy, no fear, no sadness. Only anger.

I think this shook him. He's tried the usual tricks of telling me if I don't listen to him (the few words I can actually make out) then he will kill himself, he's tried playing me off against other family members and telling them I've said things I havent. He has tried the usual lies, the usual begging for help. But I've just stayed completely stoic and indifferent. He asked me to call him an ambulance this morning because he was suicidal and I refused. I told him to do it himself if he was that concerned and scared and I hung up. Which is way out of my comfort zone and upset me. He has called another family member (who is at a hospital watching their friend pass away who has just had life support switched off, which he knows) to tell them he's going to kill himself and that he's called an ambulance.

I feel so horrible for saying it, but it's for attention and sympathy because he is not not getting the financial support to drink and the "there there" approach he usually gets. He does it every time, when he's exhausted everyone's patience, he cries wolf and takes himself to hospital every time and round and round we go in the cycle.

My husband went to lunch and the movies with one of his friends yesterday. When he got home, he was sweating and shaking and it turned out he had a heat flash at the end of the movie and had to sit down in the lobby because he was too weak to stand. He used to get these every day I wrote about that in my first post here on reddit. He's a little better now that he's eating more, but I guess not much...

Anyway, his friend messaged me this morning and my first thought was, "Don't tell him everything..." then I thought, You know what? No. I'm tired of carrying this alone. So I told him everything. That these heat flashes are not rare, that my husband is not well and I'm pretty sure that his liver is shutting down because he's an alcoholic and has been for a very long time.

I'm both relieved and wary. His friend said they suspected something because the head flash was pretty spectacular, but they're not sure how they can help. They did offer to help since they've been friends since high school (we're all in our late fifties). My hands are still shaking though. It was a big step.

I want to start with saying that I am in an overall really happy relationship. We have been together for 4 years and living together for 2. In this time we have had a lot of life changes that have rocked our (but mostly my) world.

In our first year of dating, we met in the restaurant industry working similar hours. I was younger at that point, with different priorities. My boyfriend and I would go out, get drunk and have a great time. We were enamored with each other for that year and into year 2. Every time we saw each other we were having a date night in, or out, that involved alcohol. I didn’t think much of it at the time because I really enjoyed going out, I was in love, and I thought it was something we were doing only together.

Emotionally at this time, my partner who is very emotionally intelligent, was helping me work through a lot of trauma I held and still to this day helps me self regulate my sometimes unstable emotions. When we moved in together I was changing restaurants to work at a much more high intensity place, and he supported me tremendously through that.

Once we moved in together around year

2 things shifted. We stopped having sex for about 2 months due to him not doing well with change, being stressed, and feeling a loss of libido. I thought it was so odd, but I wanted to support him knowing that sex changes and ebbs& flows in long term relationships. I also started to notice his love of high life wasn’t just at the bar, but something he brought home every night too.

At year 3 I noticed I was dating a high functioning alcoholic. There were times I would be guilted by him for not wanting to go out, or for not sharing a bottle of wine during the week. I started counting the beer bottles in the morning and doing the math of how long he’d been at the bar. He would often fall asleep on the couch with a beer sitting next to him, every light on in the room, and a video playing loudly in front of him. He stopped brushing his teeth at night because he was falling asleep before that step of a night routine. Even when he did brush his teeth, I could smell alcohol on his breath. He can’t wake up easily in the morning and sleeps so hard even an alarm can’t wake him up. It was in this year that my stepfather that raised me died a very traumatic death in the ICU. We didn’t know it would happen so fast and my boyfriend missed the FaceTime to talk with him one last time because he was asleep and couldn’t hear the 15 FaceTime, calls, and texts at 10:00am. My stepdad died the next day and I couldn’t look at my partner for weeks. I knew with almost certainty he went out the night before and was drunk all night, over slept and slept through the pre planned meeting. This was the closest I had gotten to leaving him, but we decided to work through it. In therapy I learned to forgive him for what was a horrible accident that I either had to move on from or let go. I watched him show up for me in different way after that, but the drinking didn’t change.

Over the years I would get the braves to tell him about his drinking problem, and he will admit that he is a high functioning alcoholic but does nothing to change it.

Year 4 it’s a lot of the same. He still falls asleep on the couch in the same conditions, I’ve nagged enough that he brushes his teeth (even if it’s at 5 am when he gets up from the couch), and our sex life isn’t much better than when we moved in together. But now, it’s me who doesn’t want to have sex. I’ve asked him many times to participate in dry weeks or months and it is inevitably broken or answered with “what about the trip we have this month?”

This year, my mother died of terminal cancer, we found out and 6 months later she was gone. In this time he was incredibly supportive to me. But I was also absent and with my mom in another state for most of that time. It’s been 4 months since she passed and I have been accepted into my dream grad program- abroad. My boyfriend wants to come with me and work in his specialty (he is a sommelier) in a neighboring country. He recently reopened the conversation of marriage as well.

I’m writing this after a week of him falling asleep on the couch in the same conditions for the 4th time this week. I woke him up this time, and snapped at him to get up brush his teeth and go to bed. After he fell asleep I went to the couch. I counted the beers in trash can, a new pack that he went to buy while I was asleep. 4, 9.5% beers he drank alone playing a video game.

I guess I’m not only writing to vent, but for general advice. I’ve voiced to my bf that after losing both of my parents so young, if I’m going to marry him he needs to get his shit together. I need to be with someone who is choosing health, wellness and a better life. I can’t lie and say that i have been a perfect partner, I drink though not nearly as much as him, I have been emotionally volatile after learning about my mother sickness, and I absolutely nag at him about his behaviors. Part of me thinks we just need couples therapy, and the other part thinks I should take this opportunity of moving abroad to leave him. I love him deeply and want it to work, but I’m worried this is only the beginning of a very ugly path.

My partner of 3 years (recently engaged) has been hiding his drinking from me the whole relationship, while he claimed to be sober. I first caught him a year ago, and he swore up and down it was just a mistake and would never happen again. Well as you can imagine it did. I don’t even know how many times this has happened since, or if it really even stopped, because he usually acts normal, unless he is blacked out, or as of recently, having a seizure. He came home from work blacked out 2 weeks ago and of course he lied about it. Once he finally admitted it, he swore again. Well I found him drinking again 2 days ago. I don’t know what to do. He swears this time is different, going to therapy, aa, etc. but I just don’t trust him. I guess I’m just looking to be validated that I wouldn’t be evil for leaving. I am only 23, in nursing school, and have a lot to look forward to. I love him a lot, but my view of him is tainted.

I miss who my boyfriend became when he was sober. For the 6 months I saw him glow and blossom into such a kind and beautiful person. He still is a kind and beautiful person but with a dark and scary cloud hovering over his head. I miss his funny texts and how clever and smart he is. I miss how he walked with his head held high and how confident and charming he was. I miss how proud he was when he was asked to lead one of his AA meetings and how open he was with me about his thoughts and his feelings. I miss how he would ramble on about his day and how he was excited for the future. I miss how secure he was in our future like how we could talk about our next steps and carefully plan. He saw his life as being sober and calm. He embraced the boring and so did I. Sobriety changed him for the better and I know he can’t see it but I saw everything. I want to pull him out of this but I know I can’t. I showed up to his house unannounced and he didn’t even know I was there for nearly an hour, he was passed out drunk. I cleaned his room, threw out the bottles, and held him while he cried. I want to take him to a doctor to be treated for his mental health. I want to contact every person in his life to watch over him because I know they will. I wish he saw the value he has and the impact he makes on those around him. How his boss talked to me about the first time meeting him and she could tell he was a kind man by his smile. I miss his little giggle and the way he’d cover his mouth when he would burst out laughing. I feel like I’m not doing enough but there’s only so much I can do. I hope he finds his way back. I hope he gets help again.

I woke up to my alcoholic SO on the bathroom floor seizing.

Brought him to the ER and had the withdrawals confirmed. It’s beyond embarrassing as I work here as a nurse and finally had to be honest with other people about the amount he drinks.

We had a big fight about him working on quitting and he went from drinking 15-18 16oz beers to drinking 8 or 9… I’m glad for the progress but god damn if it isn’t also terrifying.

My partner (40M) and I (30F) have been together and have lived together for over seven years. It’s never been perfect (we both have our mental health struggles and family baggage that has caused a lot of tension over the years), but about six months ago he admitted to me that he had been hiding alcohol use/addiction for the past four years. Before this, I believed him to be completely sober, as am I, purely as a lifestyle choice.

Suffice it to say, that was the most painful, life-altering news I’ve ever received. But, in a way, it was also a relief because it helped put a little context around the other issues we’ve had over the years and how his reactions to things could feel really out of proportion (good chance he was drunk or hungover during a lot of arguments). I also feel lucky to be educated enough on addiction to know it’s an illness, not a choice, which helped me understand how bad his mental health really is because I could tell he was never fully honest about that.

I was and am still mad about the lying and deception but love and believe in him enough to put that to the side the best I can and to focus on getting him sober and healthy.

Well, as I’m sure is not surprise, the last six months of the truth being out have been the world’s most rickety, nauseating rollercoaster. I won’t bore you with all the details, just know it’s been all the classic lying, deception, and blame-shifting you often see with addicts. He’s in IOP and individual therapy but has still relapsed multiple times, landing him in the hospital more than once. I have stood by his side through all of it (albeit imperfectly, I get mad as hell at the lying and blame-shifting and let him have it) and keep our household running, but I’m so fucking tired.

Few people in my life know about his addiction (he told my parents because he knew I wouldn’t to protect him, and I told my best friend and two of his friends when he was in the hospital), and even those who do don’t know the extent of the relapses.

Still, while they want him to get better, they also want what’s best for me and have encouraged me to leave him— even just to move out for a month or two— for my own health. I get where they’re coming from and am not opposed to it. In fact, I’ve told my partner multiple times that a break from our relationship or full break up is absolutely on the table if he doesn’t put in the work and, just as importantly, work with *me* instead of pushing me away which he does from shame, stubbornness, and frustration around old wounds between us.

I’m very lucky to in a financial place to leave if I need to and to have the social support to help me through it. And, while it would hurt like hell, I know I’ve turned the corner and am in a mental and emotional place where I could make the decision to leave, too. The thing is, I just don’t want to yet. I’m not ready.

I feel like an idiot for saying this— especially after talking to other loved ones of addicts and reading several posts here— but I genuinely believe in his desire and willingness to get better. I don’t want to, trust me. After all the hell we’ve been through, I want to call it a lost cause, pack my bags, and go, but I’m not there yet. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Maybe I’m naive. I just can’t give up on him. Not yet.

And I will say, he has made progress. Painfully slow progress, but progress nonetheless. He goes to his IOP and therapy, he’s honest when he relapses, has changed his narrative from “I like being this way” to “I don’t want to drink anymore, please help me,” he’s gotten significantly better at proactively communicating his emotions and urges to drink, and while we still fight (literally just today, which lead me to this subreddit), there’s marked reduction in their length and severity and he takes more and more accountability each time. Today, he also immediately agreed to go to couples therapy and is going to ask his therapist for a referral.

I’m not getting my hopes up too high. It’s been six months of this cycle (and years of similar cycles just without the disclosed drinking), but I’m not ready to give up either. I’m just not.

My mom (who has been in and left similarly unhealthy relationships) told me to embrace my moments of anger and use it as propulsion to leave, but all that’s done is made me realize I’m not an angry person. Listen, I get angry. And when I’m angry I’m really fucking angry. But I am not someone who can act on anger. As soon as I calm down I’m ready to move on, learn from what happened, and figure out how to be better next time. I know if/when I leave my partner I’ll do it from a place of peace and acceptance, knowing we tried everything we could to heal back together.

So, in the meantime, I’m just tired. Really fucking tired.

I’m sure a lot of us here can relate to how exhausting it is to have to pretend to be okay and put on a good face when you don’t know what you’re coming home to every day. It’s terrible. Isolating and terrible.

But I get up every day, go to the gym, go to work to be the best, most positive and supportive manager I can be (because I somehow managed to get myself promoted in a stupidly competitive environment while managing all this), make dinner, do laundry, help plan a friend’s wedding, support another friend through a difficult health diagnosis, and still try to take care of myself the best I can with therapy, healthy eating, exercise, and all the other stuff you’re supposed to do (for what it’s worth, I’m painfully aware I’m over functioning here and have a lot on my plate. Being busy is just unfortunately natural and easy to me. It’s the hiding of the reality at home that’s draining). And often I wish I could just drop everything at any given moment and scream the most violent, guttural scream.

I wish I could give up on him. But I can’t. Not yet.

Ok so I'm going to keep it short, but please tell me I'm not crazy?

Spouse and I have been fighting about money problems for a few years. In the midst of that, he also has been a big drinker most of his life. He cut back after doing some stupid things.

Today i found a hidden case of beer. I ask him about it and he says " what? I don't know? It seemed low calorie" ok-- why is it hidden?? Shady.

If its hidden its way worse than i think already right?

I’ve noticed a lot of you suggesting that being married to an alcoholic is impossible. I’ve been married for a little over two years. I’m 39 and she is 33. She has had a long-standing alcohol problem, and has been to rehab twice. Last time she got out she got a dui a couple months later. She’s been in and out of the hospital for alcohol issues, and JUST did 30 days of rehab. She got out the day before yesterday, and I let her come back home. It was a very hard decision, as I am absolutely fed up of this life. I told her that I had a solid boundary- no alcohol in the house and no drinking, or she leaves. Yesterday, DAY 1 out of her 30 day rehab…that’s right, her first day home after BARELY being allowed back in the home….i come home and she’s been drinking. I kicked her out. She’s currently in a hotel. I’ve got separation papers drawn up. Is it time? Is there hope? I’m highly doubting it.

I’ve posted on here before asking about lying and lying by omission. I’m wondering if this falls in the same category, or would’ve considered something else.

My partner is supposedly sober. And has been. He says things like ‘I’m not counting the days of sobriety because it makes me feel better that way’ I just say okay and move along. Last week he bought a new car. This afternoon I went into his car to see if I had left the pack of pods I bought last night in his car (we stopped at a gas station to get gas and I noticed I needed pods soon so I ran in and grabbed some). I couldn’t find them in my bag or near so I checked his car. While doing so, I found 5 airplane shooters… ‘supposedly sober’. I feel like it happened today, I can tell his energy is a little off. And I don’t think it was last night. I think he’s kind of white knuckling this whole thing. He told me he wanted to drink last night but we stayed busy doing things to help distract him and the cravings. I don’t know. I don’t like when I tell him that him not telling me he drank while in my head I’m thinking he’s sober, is kind of a form of lying to me. He tells me that it isn’t. I guess I just don’t know how to get my point across, but I feel no one but his side is right so there is no winning this. The more I fight it the crappier I feel because I’m just feeling so unheard and like my thought and feelings are incorrect. Like it makes me feel ‘stupid’ in a way because it’s like, in my head I know he’s sober. But to him, he isn’t. But he isn’t going to tell me, because he never does. I always have to ask. But when I bring up how I have to ask him, and he can’t ever just tell me, he says ‘well I didn’t wanna ruin your mood’ or ‘I couldn’t find the right time’ to that I say ‘just tell me because I probably already know’. The I confront him and it’s like he’s just constantly like ‘I’m sorry’ ‘every single time I drink I get so upset because all I can think about is how it’s hurting you’ and it’s like I can’t tell if you’re being serious right now or you’re just trying to make it seem you care..? I hate saying I don’t think he cares, because at the end of the day I do, and I think this addiction is just super hard for him. But also I don’t get how you can’t at least be honest with me. Like if you care so much, I feel like you’d be communicating that you’re drinking again to me. We’ve struggled with communication and everyone’s always like ‘you just need to keep trying’ ‘just communicate your true feelings with him’ but how can I constantly tell him how he is tearing me down and breaking me apart and him still acting the same exact way and still saying that he cares?

I freeze up during conversations. Like just don’t even want to have them with him anymore. When he talks and tells me the excuses for something, I zone out so bad and I don’t understand why exactly. Am I over the lies? Or whatever the hell you wanna call it?

This also turned into a vent lowkey, but I appreciate anyone reading this and sending their helpful thoughts or feelings about the situation:)

Hey folks, I’m hoping someone here can give me an answer that I haven’t been able to find the past few years. My (25 F) dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember, and I feel like I’m running out of options. He’s a heavy drinker (for context he can finish 1L Vodka Smirnoff in one sitting by himself with no chaser) though very “functional”. He had a very successful career, always provided and supported his family, isn’t and has never been abusive (my dad has never hit me and has only shouted at me like once my whole life) and in many ways, he’s an amazing dad.

Our nuclear, extended family and even family friends have tried everything over the years but nothing has ever stuck. So here I am, terrified I’m going to lose him too early. At this point, I’m open to anything: medication, holistic/alternative approaches. I just want him to be around to walk me down the aisle and meet my future kids. If you’ve been through this, what actually helped?

PS: He’s actually open to help, he always has been but was just never dedicated enough so nothing has stuck. He’s only been to rehab once and left after four days. We’ve tried things like THC and that didn’t stick either. Any suggestions would be done alongside therapy, and AA support groups (which he’s already in).