I am recovering from surgery, while my Q wife is spiraling
I am new to AlAnon, haven’t officially joined a group or chapter yet. But anyway, I have been with my Q, my wife, for going on 12 years. It’s been a long road of ups and downs and pretty much everyone has been pushed away or left our lives at this point. I was being a fool about trying to help my wife, not accepting that I was powerless to do so, that they were powerless to do so, etc. Not taking it to be as serious as it really is this whole time. No kids involved, thankfully. Buckle up, this is going to be a long one, as I don’t know how else to spit it out.
I have reached my final limit, which I said like 4 years ago when they attacked me in an unprovoked, drunken rage (there have been a few). I always tried to go the route of treating their mental health rather than pressing charges and getting a restraining order. I just didn’t think that way, being naive. The gaslighting and twisting of events has been almost constant to the point that I just don’t talk about things with them, to keep the peace because my wife is clearly a narcissistic manipulator and delusional, and when they drink heavily enough, they can become psychotic and violent. It’s like they have multiple personalities and start believing they can read minds and affect reality with their drunken super powers. Being drunk is their “spiritual work,” and I have tried for many years to get through to them, which as I type this out I can see was way beyond my capabilities. For instance, they recorded themselves doing a breathing exercise drunk for one of the Artemis II astronauts because of some article that was posted about her breathing regulation (I have no idea). They posted it on Facebook where only my wife sees that post, and thinks that astronaut will psychically benefit from it… I was at work trying to get them to see reason and stop drinking for a bit. She insisted she had to continue or the landing wasnt going to succeed. “I have my own work to do!” she always says. I felt so bad for them, but they are dangerous. However, because I have taken actions in the past, such as a 5150 two years ago (this is a whole saga spanning several states and hospitals and attacks and suicide attempts on their part), they have become very careful about what they do and say.
For context, we had been living apart for two years after they moved to my state (after living in different states for almost two years after the last serious attack). There was a bad flood in their apartment in January, and their apartment complex was not handling it well so them moving in was really supposed to be temporary. I was set to have surgery and needed their help anyway. And then we could figure something else out. For two years they had me by the balls as a co-signer at this place, and every attempt to get them a job, or a cheaper place, it all fell through. I was paying for my apartment and theirs, so I have been busy working and not paying enough attention to details. Not catching the lies because I was NOT visiting them. They had been making some progress on drinking, or so I thought. But they were being awful about getting a job. Basically nothing for two years. Always self diagnosing disabilities and excuses all the time, exaggerating or making up racist encounters, you name it. Blaming their ptsd. Meanwhile I have ptsd, several diagnoses, am a disabled veteran, and have to work full time just to stay afloat because they leach everything. I don’t make those excuses. We wouldn’t survive if I did. I have been working full time with a double hernia for a year and a half also.
Anyway, I helped them move out of the old apartment end of February, and allegedly there was a period they had stopped drinking but I no longer believe anything they tell me. They were asking me for money for things, and over time it wasn’t adding up. Cat stuff usually, they were getting food stamps and eating better than I could afford but when I went over there, the litter box was in appalling shape. And the smell. Oh my god, the smell. Granted, the elevator was backed up for some reason, had flies, and there was a flood, a lot going on, but I was like, this is weird. And the kitchen was disgusting. I assumed the flood contributed to all of this. They were in a separate unit for a month so things were sitting. So I go the other unit, and it’s kind of a big mess, too. They would play those stupid phone app games to get just enough money to cash out and get a couple cans, then bug the shit out of me while I was working for like a dollar or two dollars and I would cave just so they would shut up. Try and tell them, set boundaries, limits, spend this on important things not alcohol, etc. try to give incentives. I had a surgery coming up and I needed their help. All of my family and friends are out of state, and I clearly can’t trust my wife to care for my cats without supervision. This was a big mistake on my part.
I can see how living with them has warped my own decisions and thinking so much. I had surgery on April 10th, and leading up to it, I was pushing really hard to get them sober and ready. Cleaning the apartment, having detailed conversations and instructions about what I needed and expecting, what to do, how to do things, the whole nine yards so everyone would be ready. Just in case there were complications. This had been a long time coming and I wanted it to go smoothly so I can get back to work and activity without needing a second surgery. I don’t have that much pto. They were drunk for most of those conversations, of course. They had been a care giver in a previous state we lived in, so I’m thinking, maybe they can get it together just for a little bit. We don’t need complete sobriety but let’s work on getting a little drier, please. I had to get everything ready myself, they’re asking me to pick up alcohol everyday, but then I start working nights right before surgery day and can’t. So they are using delivery (because they refuse to leave the apartment), so it’s costing me a fortune. We are beginning to fight a lot about this.
Then there’s an event at my work where police have to be called days before my surgery, I come home super stressed, trying to talk to them about it and they make it all about them somehow. My ptsd is through the roof. I make it to Friday though, surgery day, and we are asked to arrive super early. My wife starts going through withdrawals in the waiting room. She says it’s just anxiety. I’m just trying to stay calm but I’m so embarrassed. People are staring at us. When we finally go back, the nurses are making searching comments. At this point I am actually really calm, because I’ve completely given up. I’d rather be in the OR than be around this. But this is where I fucked up. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to be cognizant or not for the ride home, so I sent my Q extra money for Ubers (they refuse to drive after a car accident years ago). I overestimated because there was an event in town and they tend to jack up prices, and I had forgotten about a cancelled DoorDash order, so they ended up with way more than they needed. My mistake. They clearly cannot be trusted with any money whatsoever.
So this first week of my recovery it was Four Locos (14.8%) all day everyday, and when those ran out it was several 12 packs of white claw surges (8%). Delivered straight to our door. And there was nothing I could do about it. It took until the pain meds wore off before I could be in the right mind to really start to stand up for myself. The kitchen was destroyed, bags of trash never taken out, ten days past now and the apartment still smells. The cat litter was horrible. They were feeding me foods that were too dense, and the foods I had access too were too high in fiber and protein, I thought the surgery was not healing right. And they’ve been gaslighting me to the moon and back. Acting like this is perfectly fine and I should stop complaining and I’m just acting crazy. Acting like I’m the one who should have the cops called on them. Oh, and the landlord just happened to send a lease renewal during all of this which was digitally signed. I can hear the nurse saying before I left the hospital, “don’t make any important decisions while you’re on these medications.”
Man, I have made some bad choices. And I wasn’t even the one drinking. I’ve reached out to as many people as I can, but I think I’ve let them back in/stay in my life too many times that my friends and family just don’t want to get close and help anymore, and that’s on me. I made those choices trying to fill a hole that needed therapy and time and healing and accountability on my part. I might as well have been the one drinking at this point. It was a very similar behavior and addiction, in the sense that I am to blame for a lot of this. I basically let a feral animal into my home and expected it to behave otherwise. But being in such a vulnerable state and taken advantage of like this has really opened my eyes. I can’t call this something else, I can’t blame this on past trauma, I can’t do the old song and dance. I need to cut this person out of my life for good and seriously seek help for why I allowed this to go on for over a decade. I am utterly beside myself.
I am learning what “DARVA” is first hand, never heard of that before today. Hoped I spelled that right. I’m just trying to keep the peace for now because I know they won’t leave willingly and are riding that line of what they can and cannot do (as far as I know) before I can get police involved. They have made it clear they are going to frame it as me being the crazy one this time and may go above and beyond to lie about my actions and words, so I would need strong evidence to the contrary which I don’t have. God this has ballooned and there’s so much more I have left out. I have kept this all bottled up for so long. Ugh.
It feels good to get off my chest. I am feeling better physically, but there is no way I could defend myself if it came to that. I asked my mom to send someone to visit, I would pay for gas and hotel, but they don’t seem to be doing that. I emailed landlord to try and start a dialogue about what’s going on and what options I have. My whole life may end up imploding again because of my wife. I’m trying to stay safe and avoid that. But I’ve reach out to everyone I can aside from calling the police department directly. I was hoping for more of a response, but I can understand why there isn’t one. And I can see how my wife could spin this against me very easily. I really don’t have a lot of allies this time around.
TLDR; I had double hernia surgery and my wife went on a bender, and is now making reverse threats and gaslighting me now that I am clear headed enough to stand up for myself. I have demanded they get a job, stop drinking and move out, but they are on the lease and are refusing to do the responsible thing and are exhibiting worrying behaviors and making strange statements they may twist the truth if I involve the police. I do not have enough evidence this time to call, or to do a 5150, and worry about escalating, and am not physically recovered enough to really do much on my own. Damn that’s still long.