u/ar_is_

I’ve posted on here before asking about lying and lying by omission. I’m wondering if this falls in the same category, or would’ve considered something else.

My partner is supposedly sober. And has been. He says things like ‘I’m not counting the days of sobriety because it makes me feel better that way’ I just say okay and move along. Last week he bought a new car. This afternoon I went into his car to see if I had left the pack of pods I bought last night in his car (we stopped at a gas station to get gas and I noticed I needed pods soon so I ran in and grabbed some). I couldn’t find them in my bag or near so I checked his car. While doing so, I found 5 airplane shooters… ‘supposedly sober’. I feel like it happened today, I can tell his energy is a little off. And I don’t think it was last night. I think he’s kind of white knuckling this whole thing. He told me he wanted to drink last night but we stayed busy doing things to help distract him and the cravings. I don’t know. I don’t like when I tell him that him not telling me he drank while in my head I’m thinking he’s sober, is kind of a form of lying to me. He tells me that it isn’t. I guess I just don’t know how to get my point across, but I feel no one but his side is right so there is no winning this. The more I fight it the crappier I feel because I’m just feeling so unheard and like my thought and feelings are incorrect. Like it makes me feel ‘stupid’ in a way because it’s like, in my head I know he’s sober. But to him, he isn’t. But he isn’t going to tell me, because he never does. I always have to ask. But when I bring up how I have to ask him, and he can’t ever just tell me, he says ‘well I didn’t wanna ruin your mood’ or ‘I couldn’t find the right time’ to that I say ‘just tell me because I probably already know’. The I confront him and it’s like he’s just constantly like ‘I’m sorry’ ‘every single time I drink I get so upset because all I can think about is how it’s hurting you’ and it’s like I can’t tell if you’re being serious right now or you’re just trying to make it seem you care..? I hate saying I don’t think he cares, because at the end of the day I do, and I think this addiction is just super hard for him. But also I don’t get how you can’t at least be honest with me. Like if you care so much, I feel like you’d be communicating that you’re drinking again to me. We’ve struggled with communication and everyone’s always like ‘you just need to keep trying’ ‘just communicate your true feelings with him’ but how can I constantly tell him how he is tearing me down and breaking me apart and him still acting the same exact way and still saying that he cares?

I freeze up during conversations. Like just don’t even want to have them with him anymore. When he talks and tells me the excuses for something, I zone out so bad and I don’t understand why exactly. Am I over the lies? Or whatever the hell you wanna call it?

This also turned into a vent lowkey, but I appreciate anyone reading this and sending their helpful thoughts or feelings about the situation:)