r/narcissisticparents

Last June, I was supposed to be celebrating my wedding. Instead, I was fighting a multi-front war with my own family.

​It started when both of my sisters dropped out of my wedding because they claimed the bridesmaid dress I chose was "too inappropriate." For context: the dress was elegant, navy blue, and floor-length—but apparently, they were too "risqué" for people who specialize in drama. My mother, instead of backing me up, went behind my back to send them alternative dresses she liked, completely bypassing me as the bride.

​I eventually cut both sisters off. To give you an idea of the audacity: the one sister who was still invited brought her Pomeranian to my formal wedding, claimed he was an "emotional support animal," and let him sit at the dinner table with his paws on the plate. He was, naturally, kicked out.

​But the real betrayal came from my mother. I discovered she had stolen our custom wedding invitations and RSVPs, handwriting my uninvited sister’s name onto them to force her way back into the event. When I confronted her? Her "punishment" was pulling into the driveway on Easter last year and hitting my car. She didn't apologize; she just got out and said, "I’m going to start hiding the Easter eggs now."

​Fast forward to this week. I told her we were putting my son in a daycare eight minutes from our house for the summer. Choosing a local daycare saves me nearly an hour and a half of driving compared to her house. Her response? "It feels like I'm being punished. What is the reason you don't want me spending time with him?" She then tried to guilt-trip me, saying he "isn't exposed to any family," and told me, "Hopefully someday you will see family is important."

​Let's talk about "Family Importance."

​I am currently in a high-stakes custody battle with my ex. My mother was the one who bailed him out after I fled with my seven-week-old baby because he was throwing me across the room and holding our child hostage. She was more upset over the daycare logistics than she was when I told her my ex punches 11-year-olds in the stomach.

​When I told her she was being ridiculous and that I would not hesitate to cut her out for emotional abuse, she completely ignored me and texted: "Easter is at 1. Let me know if you are coming."

​On Saturday, I sent her a screenshot from another grandmother who understood that daycare is about the child's needs, not the grandmother's ego. I added: "Considering last year's Easter you hit my car, we will skip this year."

​Her reply made me see red: "I hit your car? When was this? I'm starting to worry about you and your memory."

​The gaslighting is officially over. My only response was: "Wow... lol. You know, I think it's time. Goodbye, Mom." I have blocked her on everything. I am mourning the loss of the mother I deserved, but I am celebrating the peace I am finally creating for my child and myself.

What is it about Nparents that they don't teach?

Is it b/c, whether they are a mother or father, they attempt to keep their children dependent on them, even into adulthood?

At the same time, the Nparent brags about "how great" these same children are. In adulthood these former children know very little.

Why?

I, 39f, have been no contact with my mother for almost a year now. The no contact started after a rather traumatic event where my mother insulted my in-laws and then was nasty to my daughter, then 3. I scooped up my kiddo and beat feet out of there and haven’t spoken to her, or my step father since. It was the final straw.

Today I went to a beautiful spot for Easter brunch with my in laws, husband and now 4 year old daughter. The restaurant is in a very old building and has large glass windows along an entire wall facing the river. As we walked up the path from the parking lot to the front of the building, I spotted my nmom and my stepfather in the first table along that glass wall, they also saw us. The world slowed, my feet went numb and I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest, it thundered in my ears. I was THIS close to turning around and finding somewhere else to eat, but we didn’t. I walked in and pretended they weren’t there the whole time. My 4 year old didn’t even notice “mean grandma” was present, thankfully.

I don’t know why I’m writing this other than to get the event off my chest and out of my head. I’m surprised how affected I was the instant I saw her sitting there. The fear. The panic. As a mother, I can’t imagine my child feeling those things when she sees me. I guess the feelings she inspired for my whole childhood still hit EXACTLY the same and that’s just wild to me.

they are literally reading my convos and stuff online and won't stop. this is like the 20th time I have screamed stop invading my privacy I am not a child. my mom and dad won't stop. Will say things like cause we pay for things. no just cause you pay for something does not give you the right to be disrespectful and invade your child's privacy! and parents wonder why when they die their kids feel relief if they do stuff like this.

As embarrassing as this sounds, I struggle to maintain a clean home or body, for that matter. I am disgusted with myself for this. To be fair to myself, I have a chronic illness that limits how much I can do every day. But I grew up in a dirty house (unless I cleaned it), and our parents did not encourage us to clean up daily. They only shamed us for being dirty. I am sure this early life has affected me in many ways. I also struggle with time management, can't swim, can't drive, can't decorate my space for some reason. The list is long. I wonder if anyone resonates with this? What are some solutions you have found to work for you? timetables?

I went NC with my nmom 4 months ago after 45 years of physical,mental, emotional and even covert sexual abuse. Although it has meant losing contacts with other family members including my baby niece who I adore, it's been the best thing I've ever done.

Now, she and my enabling stepdad, a violent alcoholic who used to physically abuse me up until I left home at 18, keep turning up in my street and village. I live in a little village a few miles out from the main city where they live. They have literally no need to be here, but suddenly they're drinking in the village pub trying to befriend my neighbours, and catching the bus at a stop a few houses down from mine....that stop is seriously out of their way, there is one much more convenient for their route in the village centre. This is a deliberate choice so I know they're there. My nmom knows that I'm scared of and triggered by my stepdad...even though he's in his 60's he's still a dangerous man who most ppl in my area are very intimidated by. So she knows the impact hanging around my street will have on me. And the impact it will have on my 9 year old autistic son, who picks up on my being fearful no matter how much I try to hide it from him.

Why can't she just leave me alone? One reason is know she has always been horrendously jealous of me being able to buy this house and live in a nice area since my husband inherited some money. So there's that. But I've also found out she's going around telling the family me and the hubs are 'making up' my son's autism, calling our parenting into question. I'm really worried she's going to try and get to my son somehow. She tried to take my eldest boy (now 25) years ago so there's a precedent here.

I'm sick and shaking inside my own home now. Which is what she wants but I can't help my reactions. But it's not like she's doing anything I can report; I'd sound deranged. Which of course she always paints me as.

There is a cycle in my family thats been going on for 30 years or even longer. I think my whole family is narcissistic. On the outside it looks fine and it fools you. But on the inside its rotten. I could write so much more but it would be too much story i guess?

Ive put up with all of this for so so so so long. Its been going up and going down. I accepted the situation like it is, going low contact, keeping my distance. However it has always been fucking up my mind. I feel often disoriented, helpless and crazy from this.

The worst part however is..... Its the neglect. They met maybe 200-300 times in their lives where they excluded me from the event and in many cases talked shit about me while the event was happening. Or if my state with them was "good" they just were talking about it like "yeah hes not here today hehehe were having a good time", playing it like its not a big deal. Yeah right. Who does that?

I was always treated like ive done something wrong so i learned to behave better. Its useless. They will still do it.

Even my bigger sister felt very bad about it. Last year my mother drove here by the house and had her birthday with randoms and strangers but didnt stop to inform me because it was "a surprise event" there is always an excuse. Of course i called a million times, nothing happened. Yeah take random strangers over the kid at your birthday...She swipes all of this away.

It makes perfect sense. She has zero interest in what you do or in your health, what is happening in your life? She does not care. Its all about her, the interest in her kids is not there. Oh yeah my other sister is sick too, i once confronted her to help her more and she came up with the most delusional story i ever heared in my life, like its my sisters own fault because she "manifested it"

All of this always was leading to emotional damage... where also my health was going down. I always remember these events where i got excluded, its so painful. So so painful...

This year? We had a one year streak that was good after that, almost.

Now easter came around and i get zero information, zero messages and she writes me (probably drunk) "happy easter" while she has dinner with my bigger sister. The years before that, i had to invite myself but i thought its normal.

I saw all the families around me everyone happy and the noise of happy kids and it was a nightmare for me knowing i got excluded again for no reason while they have dinner. It makes you feel crazy and isolated... I thought after christmas it was finally resolved. I feel like my head is raped, my mind is fucked up.

Shes just careless. I know in her mind, me speaking up thats just taking away her fun. Im just lying here on the couch thinking about it, trying to make sense. I called, she didnt answer. I wrote her "Do you realize what this does to me?" and she didnt reply, just read it as always. Its been like that forever. Zero accountability. They just had dinner man on easter without you again, get it okay.

Just why? Why would you try to "fix" it and make everything okay just to fuck it up like this again? I would have to invite myself while the others communicate and know whats up.

Ive seen it in my minds eye today, there have been a million times where they did the same. They had holidays together without me. There are countless dinners where is was left out, not even informed.

The emotional damage is real. I already was a part time alcoholic because of this back then. Its no wonder. I really dont think i will become one again. I do think im a decent human being, i do think i deserve love and this is happening again. Its just pure pain for me.

I think the craziest part is me trying to cope with this, trying to improve and fix the situation only to end up at the same point. It all seems nice and fine until it happens again.

Did you find your nparent getting worse with age? And did you find them trying very hard to convince the world that they are an angel despite the fact that they were the opposite behind closed doors? Were you able to get out of that situation?

I'm 21F and my father is an alcoholic narcissist.

My mom and I left two years ago and in that time I got engaged and fell pregnant but left that relationship because he was abusive as well. I moved in with my mom but she was struggling financially as it is and we had to go stay with my dad again. So currently my mom, me and my 2 month old baby are living with my dad. My dad is also an alcoholic and suffering end stage alcoholism which doesn't help the situation at all.

We've been living her for about 8 months now he constantly belittles my mom. My mom is a faithful Christian and he constantly mocks God in front of her, calls her a witch, calls himself the devil, says the Bible is a made up story and says Jesus was just an ordinary man. All of this is deeply hurtful to her and also hurts me.

He's also never hungry because he drinks beer all day and refuses to let us go buy food for the house knowing full well that we don't have our own money and have been struggling to get jobs. It's also not like he doesn't have money. He has, a few millions in the bank and instead of letting us buy food (which he claims is too expensive) he instead goes around buying properties and tequila every day.

Im breastfeeding and need to eat often and nutritious foods. I mostly end up eating a slice of bread or biscuits which isn't nutritious but at least it's something.

He's also really disgusting. He never cleans up after himself and his room is full of cigarette ash and dog hair with he just scrapes into a corner. He occasionally cooks but purposely uses a hundred pots and pans which he leaves for my mom or me to clean.

He also has a girlfriend and he calls her every night telling her how he's going to move somewhere one of these days and just leave us on the street. She's also a big issue because she's constantly telling him to get rid of us.

He's also constantly antagonizing us and trying to push us to get angry. We both try to ignore it but it builds up and when we get angry he acts like the victim. Typical narcissist behavior.

He also has a dog and forgets to feed her half the time and never gives her any attention. The poor dog is always asking my mom and I for food and attention, it's so sad. He never takes her for walks or bathes her. In the 8 months we've been here, we've taken the dog for more walks or baths than he ever has.

In all of this, I can understand him not wanting my mom around or not treating her with any respect because they are separated and don't have a good relationship but the fact that he has the same attitude with me hurts alot. I'm his daughter and all I try to do is love him and look past how cruel he can be, but still his biggest wish is to get rid of me. Also with my son whose an innocent little baby, he constantly tells me that he's a problem. It's so hurtful and I'm just glad that my boy is too young to understand what he's saying and won't remember it.

I pray every day that my mom and I can find work and live in our own place together without my dad and I have faith that it will happen soon. It's just really hard at the moment.

I'm so tired of him and I just hope that we get away from him soon because I also don't want my son to grow up with his influence.

Like a lot of people my narc mother never taught me anything, but at the same time she made me think she didn't need to learn anything from anyone. It really has put me embarrassingly behind. She has both a superiority and inferiority complex at the exact same time. I can even look back on how I did horribly in school until I taught myself how to "learn" and that wasn't until my senior year of college! School was very hard for me because I was embarrassed to learn basically.

She's always the victim, but she also knows everything. She would get very offended when she thought I was telling her anything. She required me to use certain language when speaking my mind to her or telling her anything.

Sometimes i think to myself "why have I been taught that some people are beneath me, but they have more than me, know more than me, and are doing better than me in life". Now success isn't a one size fits all shoe, and I know there are people that got where they are by stepping on people, so I'm not talking about them clearly, but I was taught to always speak proper english, ect, but I have seen that those things don't matter at all.

I was also taught nothing about housekeeping, hygiene, social skills, finances, anything that you can think of that could make a person a successful adult I was not taught, but superiority/inferiority complex was very ingrained in me. I've always wondered about this. It has caused some cognitive dissonance. I was also angry. I've had to unlearn and am still unlearning all the judgement that I put on people, because tbh it would be delusional to think i can look down upon people. This is a consequence of being raised by a narc. The sick mental games they infect on their children. This is another difficult part of deconstructed being raised by a narcissist.

(F30) I have two narcissistic, controlling parents and I feel completely trapped. I’m the scapegoat in my family. I can’t date, have a relationship, or move out until I get married but I also can’t choose who I marry. My parents insist I marry someone from our village, from an immigrant family often even relatives or cousins. I come from a migrant family, but I’m not even attracted to men from my own background. That makes everything even harder and more restrictive.

I grew up in an abusive household. Since I was 21, my mother has called me a “leftover woman.” My father constantly tells me he’s disappointed. Both have physically hurt me, my father hit me when people tried to pressure me into arranged marriages and I refused. My sister, the “golden child,” has also bullied me constantly.

Normally I don’t have a problem attracting men. But as soon as they realize I’m not allowed to go out at night and that I have a controlling, “crazy” family, they lose interest and disappear. I’ve reached a point where I feel like an incel. Because I have to hide everything, I’ve never had a real relationship. I only end up in situationships with men who don’t take me seriously and just want my body. For cultural reasons, I’m still a virgin and only do other stuff with no intercourse. When I did have a boyfriend, my mother told me my father would kill both of us if I married him. They beat me and spat on me until I broke up with him.

I tried moving out once for 2 months and felt completely alone. I couldn’t tell anyone because it’s embarrassing. My mother found my address and mobilized the whole family, aunt, cousins, even my sister, calling me, saying I could get raped or that something terrible would happen. They pressured me to come back. My parents use massive psychological manipulation.

At New Year I started a huge argument because of this situation, and my mother said “what do you want me to do, should I kill myself?! My father attempted suicide at the beginning of January. Now he is in a psychiatric clinic and comes to visit us on weekends. Both of my parents have severe depression. I have contact with my sister partly because she has a disabled child.

What scares me the most is being completely alone. I don’t want to lose my family, even after everything. I’m terrified of cutting contact, but I also feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I also know that if I leave, my parents will tell everyone that I’m a bad daughter who abandoned them and they will never tell anyone what they did to me. I’m severely depressed, exhausted, and feel like I have no strength left. I feel like a failure. I have a job and have saved money, but I still constantly worry about finances.

I’ve been in therapy for 2 months now, and my therapist is telling me I need to move out. He even said that if I stay, in 5 years I might not even be able to have children anymore. But it’s easier said than done when you have no one in your environment who supports you. It feels extremely lonely.

I’m scared of making a mistake, but I also know I can’t continue like this. The reason I waited this long is because I keep hoping my parents will change and because I avoid facing my situation. What if I move out and don’t find a partner? Or I end up with someone bad who just uses me? Then I’m completely on my own.

What should I do?

I went NC with my nmom a number of years ago to protect myself and my family. She is now experiencing health issues, which I hear about through my sister.

Just some thoughts - although I have empathy for what she's going through, I have to remind myself why I went NC: gaslighting, lack of accountability, and overall just being a mean person.

Just came back from a spring break vacation with my family - got home sat night and didn't call my mom Sat or Sun. I knew better. Got the drunken / angry email late Sunday night about how she was waiting by her phone all day for the call that never came. . . I guess you just don't care, blah blah blah. Vague threats about her will etc.

I know the drill - I have to call tonight and she will be venomous and angry. It will take about a month for her to stop being so so mad and mean. Nothing I say will make a difference, I just need to ride it out. But I'm not looking forward to having to give my pound of flesh.

I'm 55 years old, sitting at work, with a pit in my stomach. I have 2 kids to take care of, and a weeks worth of work to catch-up on.

I'm mostly posting because this is the only community that would get it. It sucks.

So. Yikes… where should I start.

I finally realized; well more appropriately I ADMITTED that my own mother is the biggest narcissist I have ever met. For 32 years I was so used to the “genre” of emotional cinema that she (NMother) portrayed that I thought everyone acted like she did. She could win gold medals in mental gymnastics. Nothing is ever her fault, “and if it was my fault it wasn’t that bad” she’s the matriarch of that. She does that thing where she forces “gifts” onto people, but really it’s more like she’s signing people up for terrible awful high interest emotional “credit cards/loans”. Nothing from her ever feels like a gift, any time you can’t help her she pulls out a record of “gifts” and “favors” ( that you tried to reject) she’s done for you and starts shouting at the top of her lungs and crying about how much she does and how she’s “idiotic” for helping you and that she should know better by now that “everyone is the same”. She makes herself the victim in anything to the point where she could purposely touch a lit candle and get hurt but it would be the fires fault for being hot. Then it comes to relationships, not even just mine either (I’m like what the…. Heck). She talks trash about my wife, but ALSO my uncle’s wife, and my other uncles wife, and my aunt and her husband (until she died ._. ) and my cousin and her husband, and my other cousin and her husband, and my other cousin and his wife, and also my other cou.. well you get it haha. My wife doesn’t need to put up with this, this is affecting more than just me. And even though I love my mother, I’m tired. I am so so tired. I’m not “livid” I’m not “angry” im just disappointed and tired. SHE actually went NC with ME on the day of my 32nd birthday, she sent me a message later saying “now you’re going to learn to appreciate me!”. She never ever apologizes. I don’t think I should now either. It hurts me to say it but, she really needs a taste of what she does to people she needs a taste of her own poison. To all of you who are going through something similar, let’s stay strong for each other. You deserve happiness and peace. We all deserve happiness and peace, and LOVE. Remember, it seriously seriously is not your fault. I don’t know what they will throw at us (all of us) next but remember this: if the narcissists didn’t know how rain worked they’d likely blame us for it lol 😂. Good luck everyone. 🥹🤘💯✌️👍

I told her I’ve noticed her saying it a lot recently. And I’d really like it if she could stop commenting on it.

For context - I don’t have a weight problem, I’m 35, and yesterday I was asking what time lunch would be because my 2YO was asking for a snack.

She said ‘I’m your mum! I’m only joking!’

I said ‘still, I’d really like it if you’d not comment on it anymore’

And she said ‘you should stop being so sensitive’

🙃

Also wondering how long the change took

Okay, so I just posted this on raisedbynarccisists, but all my posts there require moderator approval. That has to do with Reddit itself, and not the mod team of raisedbynarcissists.

My mother gives me so much anxiety. Yesterday, I told her, "You can't have anxiety over everything!", and she responded with, "My hip hurts!"

I told her that my trip to Manhattan with my niece and my nephew yesterday gave me diarrhea because the big city is overwhelming for me...and she took it at as an attack. When I asked her WHY she took it as an attack, she told me that she always tries to make everything good for me, but I complain. She also often says that she tries to make everything good for me, but I spoil everything.

My goodness! I didn't complain about anything! Also, I rushed to the bathroom upon returning from Manhattan. What was she missing? Oh, and she later tried to tell me that my trip to the city had nothing to do with the fact that I had diarrhea immediately after returning, but instead that it was that I ate food.... Also, she said that "there weren't that many people in the city."

Then, my nephew wanted to be read a book called The Little Engine that Could. He loves that book. I told my mother that that book gives me a trauma response because it's so similar to the books that I read when I was 10 and acting out age suppression because I just wanted everything to be okay.

To that, my mother started whining and said, "Not EVERYTHING can be trauma for you!", and "We can't do EVERYTHING to please you!" Okay, firstly, I didn't tell her NOT to read that book. Secondly, why wouldn't I want my nephew to be happy?

So idk at what point I begin and at what point she ends. I keep telling my therapist that I have emotional incest with my mom and she says that it’s just not healthy but not too unhealthy. I rely on my mom for everything. She washes my hair and brushes my hair. I feel babied by her and I’m addicted to being babied by her bc I don’t feel like being alive. She ignored me a lot growing up and now is when she pays attention to me but no matter how much she pays attention to me now, it doesn’t makeup for even a crumb of how mean she used to be when I was little. She only listens to my cry for help when I’m really dramatic about it. I’m turning 28 and my mental health is in the gutter. I don’t shower or brush my teeth. I feel depleted. I feel tired. I can’t hold a job. I have debilitating ocd and over dependence on AI and I’m looking for a partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient ocd treatment. None of the places I’ve called so far take my insurance. I’m dying to go to a residential but my insurance is too shitty to cover it.

I feel like I’m dating my mother, she asks for massages and for me to sleep in her bed since her and my dad got divorced. I rely on her financially so I feel guilty and feel like I owe her whatever she wants. I have an associates degree but I can’t hold a job, I don’t drive, she drives me everywhere. She vents to me about my dad, about her job and family but when I when I vent to her she just respond by groaning and not really caring. I feel so used and emotionally exploited. She does the same to my brother but my brother at least has a job and has better executive function than I do. Every time I make friends she keeps wanting to meet them right away when I’m not even done vetting them yet. I’m also nonbinary bisexual and I have a homophobic dad she doesn’t protect me from so I love closeted. I’m really unhappy and alone. So I just don’t make friends. I’m currently experiencing ai induced psychosis. I’m going to call my insurance if none of the treatment centers take my insurance. I need serious help but I feel like my mom likes me being sick so she can take care of me. I asked her to help buy me an electric tooth brush and she just ignored me and when I asked her again and said I really need her help she said “when have I never helped you”. Then I told her that I told her that bc she ignored me and she said that she was half asleep. Then I wanted to be like “you weren’t half asleep to defend your ego though” but I just got too tired to fight. I got a tension headache from how mad I got and I just slept the whole day. I’m also bipolar and I’m always in a mixed episode. I have 5 diagnosed mental illnesses. Whenever I date she gets too overprotective and wants to meet them right away. I don’t dare either. I’m too mentally ill. I’ve had periods where I worked but I always get fired bc of my mental illnesses. I’ve applied for disability before and I got denied so rn I’m just focusing on finding ocd treatment and in August I start school for medical billing. To get away from her

She’s always “playfully” rude to me 24/7 but it’s amplified when men/family are around, especially my boyfriend. I try not to be too sensitive but it makes me so agitated. My whole mood switches. I went to visit her today with my boyfriend and she pulled this shit again. Then she has the nerve to be entitled to my time and attention. Even if I try to be nice, she’ll still crack jokes and try to humiliate me. Her and my brother used to gang up on me but now it’s just her saying slick comments and everyone else laughing. Example, i’ll get a plate of food, she’ll yell out and make it a statement to say I won’t finish my plate so why bother making it. It’s annoying and if I check her she’ll say she’s just joking. Whyyy does she do this? It’s so irritating 😭

Hey guys, I just figured I'd go on this forum and ask you guys for some sound advice because I'm starting to feel extremely hopeless. So as those of you who followed along my story, I am 30 and I have two extremely narcissistic, emotionally, mentally, physically, you name it, abusive biological parents who are complete assholes. Sparing most of the details, they're cruel enough that they left me in a hospital, didn't even call to check in on me, cursed me out on my birthdays, burnt clothes down, cursed me out when my grandmother died, and they are now manipulating life because my younger brother, the only reason I keep contact with them. He is 20, gonna turn 21 this weekend and has autism, they act like they own him even though nobody has legal guardianship of him, and they don't let him out of the house without being glued to the hip with him, and it's really getting unhealthy. So I'm in a spot in my career where I'm relatively new doctor, not fully established, I'm kind of new, and my goal was to graduate from this one program I'm at, and after that, move my brother in. But it's getting unbearable, like, it's his birthday this weekend, and I was like, hey, can you just stay at my apartment for the weekend? And they're like, no, we can't let him do that. And they laughed and they gave their narcissistic laugh, and they're sick. And guys, I'm really trying hard not to let their sick behaviors get to me, but it's hard, and I'm praying to God for patience, but I wanna move towards a solution. Like, if any of you guys have any concrete solutions on how I can play this without getting hurt, if that makes sense, like, how can I break my brother free from these cruel people and not have them hurt us, any ideas would be greatly appreciated because it almost feels suffocating to have even an ounce of contact with these people. So I would really appreciate anything, guys. Love you all, and thank you for creating this community.