u/Babymauser

There is a cycle in my family thats been going on for 30 years or even longer. I think my whole family is narcissistic. On the outside it looks fine and it fools you. But on the inside its rotten. I could write so much more but it would be too much story i guess?

Ive put up with all of this for so so so so long. Its been going up and going down. I accepted the situation like it is, going low contact, keeping my distance. However it has always been fucking up my mind. I feel often disoriented, helpless and crazy from this.

The worst part however is..... Its the neglect. They met maybe 200-300 times in their lives where they excluded me from the event and in many cases talked shit about me while the event was happening. Or if my state with them was "good" they just were talking about it like "yeah hes not here today hehehe were having a good time", playing it like its not a big deal. Yeah right. Who does that?

I was always treated like ive done something wrong so i learned to behave better. Its useless. They will still do it.

Even my bigger sister felt very bad about it. Last year my mother drove here by the house and had her birthday with randoms and strangers but didnt stop to inform me because it was "a surprise event" there is always an excuse. Of course i called a million times, nothing happened. Yeah take random strangers over the kid at your birthday...She swipes all of this away.

It makes perfect sense. She has zero interest in what you do or in your health, what is happening in your life? She does not care. Its all about her, the interest in her kids is not there. Oh yeah my other sister is sick too, i once confronted her to help her more and she came up with the most delusional story i ever heared in my life, like its my sisters own fault because she "manifested it"

All of this always was leading to emotional damage... where also my health was going down. I always remember these events where i got excluded, its so painful. So so painful...

This year? We had a one year streak that was good after that, almost.

Now easter came around and i get zero information, zero messages and she writes me (probably drunk) "happy easter" while she has dinner with my bigger sister. The years before that, i had to invite myself but i thought its normal.

I saw all the families around me everyone happy and the noise of happy kids and it was a nightmare for me knowing i got excluded again for no reason while they have dinner. It makes you feel crazy and isolated... I thought after christmas it was finally resolved. I feel like my head is raped, my mind is fucked up.

Shes just careless. I know in her mind, me speaking up thats just taking away her fun. Im just lying here on the couch thinking about it, trying to make sense. I called, she didnt answer. I wrote her "Do you realize what this does to me?" and she didnt reply, just read it as always. Its been like that forever. Zero accountability. They just had dinner man on easter without you again, get it okay.

Just why? Why would you try to "fix" it and make everything okay just to fuck it up like this again? I would have to invite myself while the others communicate and know whats up.

Ive seen it in my minds eye today, there have been a million times where they did the same. They had holidays together without me. There are countless dinners where is was left out, not even informed.

The emotional damage is real. I already was a part time alcoholic because of this back then. Its no wonder. I really dont think i will become one again. I do think im a decent human being, i do think i deserve love and this is happening again. Its just pure pain for me.

I think the craziest part is me trying to cope with this, trying to improve and fix the situation only to end up at the same point. It all seems nice and fine until it happens again.

Overall its going well and i can be thankful to make so much progress. On the other hand i have tried so many things while being symptomatic af, trying to make it in different fields, try to learn things but i always end up in burn out or the question "who am i" even tho im talented.

It all feels the same. I lose interesting in so many things, i focus on my health, i do so many things at once. Been trying to program for years now, theres always this doubt that "im too sick to make it work" even tho its good and im smart, its the same for many other things. I always feel like others watch me, my family doesnt care (its true) they have already given up because they are low moral people.

So... there is no emotional support, there is only mself... i feel like you need stable high energy for a job but when you have symptoms and youre focused on healing it always changes... when i pushed hard for a job, my health got worse. Now when you let go and you focus on treating yourself, you still study on the side but you end up with the same feeling of getting behind in life, getting nowhere an getting afraid - its crazy, maybe someone can relate. Its also because as you treat on, you change too. Im glad that i started Buhner herbs one year ago...

So to make it short i always end up at the same point: A wise man that is completely disoriented. I give the best advice for my friends, it always works out perfectly. It just happens in the process of "being", i can do a million things and they all lose their meaning. Its not depression. Its also survival. If you push too much in that direction, you cant heal.