u/Pie-Automatic

(F30) I have two narcissistic, controlling parents and I feel completely trapped. I’m the scapegoat in my family. I can’t date, have a relationship, or move out until I get married but I also can’t choose who I marry. My parents insist I marry someone from our village, from an immigrant family often even relatives or cousins. I come from a migrant family, but I’m not even attracted to men from my own background. That makes everything even harder and more restrictive.

I grew up in an abusive household. Since I was 21, my mother has called me a “leftover woman.” My father constantly tells me he’s disappointed. Both have physically hurt me, my father hit me when people tried to pressure me into arranged marriages and I refused. My sister, the “golden child,” has also bullied me constantly.

Normally I don’t have a problem attracting men. But as soon as they realize I’m not allowed to go out at night and that I have a controlling, “crazy” family, they lose interest and disappear. I’ve reached a point where I feel like an incel. Because I have to hide everything, I’ve never had a real relationship. I only end up in situationships with men who don’t take me seriously and just want my body. For cultural reasons, I’m still a virgin and only do other stuff with no intercourse. When I did have a boyfriend, my mother told me my father would kill both of us if I married him. They beat me and spat on me until I broke up with him.

I tried moving out once for 2 months and felt completely alone. I couldn’t tell anyone because it’s embarrassing. My mother found my address and mobilized the whole family, aunt, cousins, even my sister, calling me, saying I could get raped or that something terrible would happen. They pressured me to come back. My parents use massive psychological manipulation.

At New Year I started a huge argument because of this situation, and my mother said “what do you want me to do, should I kill myself?! My father attempted suicide at the beginning of January. Now he is in a psychiatric clinic and comes to visit us on weekends. Both of my parents have severe depression. I have contact with my sister partly because she has a disabled child.

What scares me the most is being completely alone. I don’t want to lose my family, even after everything. I’m terrified of cutting contact, but I also feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I also know that if I leave, my parents will tell everyone that I’m a bad daughter who abandoned them and they will never tell anyone what they did to me. I’m severely depressed, exhausted, and feel like I have no strength left. I feel like a failure. I have a job and have saved money, but I still constantly worry about finances.

I’ve been in therapy for 2 months now, and my therapist is telling me I need to move out. He even said that if I stay, in 5 years I might not even be able to have children anymore. But it’s easier said than done when you have no one in your environment who supports you. It feels extremely lonely.

I’m scared of making a mistake, but I also know I can’t continue like this. The reason I waited this long is because I keep hoping my parents will change and because I avoid facing my situation. What if I move out and don’t find a partner? Or I end up with someone bad who just uses me? Then I’m completely on my own.

What should I do?

(F30) I have two narcissistic, controlling parents and I feel completely trapped. I’m the scapegoat in my family. I can’t date, have a relationship, or move out until I get married but I also can’t choose who I marry. My parents insist I marry someone from our village, from an immigrant family often even relatives or cousins. I come from a migrant family, but I’m not even attracted to men from my own background. That makes everything even harder and more restrictive.

I grew up in an abusive household. Since I was 21, my mother has called me a “leftover woman.” My father constantly tells me he’s disappointed. Both have physically hurt me, my father hit me when people tried to pressure me into arranged marriages and I refused. My sister, the “golden child,” has also bullied me constantly.

Normally I don’t have a problem attracting men. But as soon as they realize I’m not allowed to go out at night and that I have a controlling, “crazy” family, they lose interest and disappear. I’ve reached a point where I feel like an incel. Because I have to hide everything, I’ve never had a real relationship. I only end up in situationships with men who don’t take me seriously and just want my body. For cultural reasons, I’m still a virgin and only do other stuff with no intercourse. When I did have a boyfriend, my mother told me my father would kill both of us if I married him. They beat me and spat on me until I broke up with him.

I tried moving out last year for 2 months and felt completely alone. I couldn’t tell anyone because it’s embarrassing. My mother found my address and mobilized the whole family, aunt, cousins, even my sister, calling me, saying I could get raped or that something terrible would happen. They pressured me to come back. My parents use massive psychological manipulation.

At New Year I started a huge argument because of this situation, and my mother said “what do you want me to do, should I kill myself?! My father attempted suicide at the beginning of January. Now he is in a psychiatric clinic and comes to visit us on weekends. Both of my parents have severe depression. I have contact with my sister partly because she has a disabled child.

What scares me the most is being completely alone. I don’t want to lose my family, even after everything. I’m terrified of cutting contact, but I also feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I also know that if I leave, my parents will tell everyone that I’m a bad daughter who abandoned them and they will never tell anyone what they did to me. I’m severely depressed, exhausted, and feel like I have no strength left. I feel like a failure. I have a job and have saved money, but I still constantly worry about finances.

I’ve been in therapy for 2 months now, and my therapist is telling me I need to move out. He even said that if I stay, in 5 years I might not even be able to have children anymore. But it’s easier said than done when you have no one in your environment who supports you. It feels extremely lonely.

I’m scared of making a mistake, but I also know I can’t continue like this. The reason I waited this long is because I keep hoping my parents will change and because I avoid facing my situation. What if I move out and don’t find a partner? Or I end up with someone bad who just uses me? Then I’m completely on my own.

What should I do?