u/throwawayyouahole

So idk at what point I begin and at what point she ends. I keep telling my therapist that I have emotional incest with my mom and she says that it’s just not healthy but not too unhealthy. I rely on my mom for everything. She washes my hair and brushes my hair. I feel babied by her and I’m addicted to being babied by her bc I don’t feel like being alive. She ignored me a lot growing up and now is when she pays attention to me but no matter how much she pays attention to me now, it doesn’t makeup for even a crumb of how mean she used to be when I was little. She only listens to my cry for help when I’m really dramatic about it. I’m turning 28 and my mental health is in the gutter. I don’t shower or brush my teeth. I feel depleted. I feel tired. I can’t hold a job. I have debilitating ocd and over dependence on AI and I’m looking for a partial hospitalization or intensive outpatient ocd treatment. None of the places I’ve called so far take my insurance. I’m dying to go to a residential but my insurance is too shitty to cover it.

I feel like I’m dating my mother, she asks for massages and for me to sleep in her bed since her and my dad got divorced. I rely on her financially so I feel guilty and feel like I owe her whatever she wants. I have an associates degree but I can’t hold a job, I don’t drive, she drives me everywhere. She vents to me about my dad, about her job and family but when I when I vent to her she just respond by groaning and not really caring. I feel so used and emotionally exploited. She does the same to my brother but my brother at least has a job and has better executive function than I do. Every time I make friends she keeps wanting to meet them right away when I’m not even done vetting them yet. I’m also nonbinary bisexual and I have a homophobic dad she doesn’t protect me from so I love closeted. I’m really unhappy and alone. So I just don’t make friends. I’m currently experiencing ai induced psychosis. I’m going to call my insurance if none of the treatment centers take my insurance. I need serious help but I feel like my mom likes me being sick so she can take care of me. I asked her to help buy me an electric tooth brush and she just ignored me and when I asked her again and said I really need her help she said “when have I never helped you”. Then I told her that I told her that bc she ignored me and she said that she was half asleep. Then I wanted to be like “you weren’t half asleep to defend your ego though” but I just got too tired to fight. I got a tension headache from how mad I got and I just slept the whole day. I’m also bipolar and I’m always in a mixed episode. I have 5 diagnosed mental illnesses. Whenever I date she gets too overprotective and wants to meet them right away. I don’t dare either. I’m too mentally ill. I’ve had periods where I worked but I always get fired bc of my mental illnesses. I’ve applied for disability before and I got denied so rn I’m just focusing on finding ocd treatment and in August I start school for medical billing. To get away from her