r/lovewithaSexAddict

New here. I've been a member of the loveafterporn sub for many years. My PA/SA has not admitted to anything physical yet, but I know. It's in my dreams and my gut is screaming. There's a million different arrows pointing in that direction. I constantly second guess myself thinking maybe it's just my trauma warped brain talking, but on some level, I know it's not.

When everything first blew up in 2020, it was mostly porn and masturbation. He never stopped. Faked recovery until it was very obvious he was balls deep again - no pun intended. Poor hygiene, overall unstable mood, dead bedroom, etc.

At the moment, he's trying to convince me it's only been ppl watching and fantasizing. Like any other addiction, this progresses, it doesn't go backwards. Im not an idiot. I know I'll be filing for divorce in the future, but I still want to know. Currently seeing a CSAT, but just started and he's half-assing recovery efforts.

Can anyone give me advice and experience right now?

They call them massages, we call them brothels. Moving on…

Is it ever really just hands?

It went from fully dressed mechanical HJs, to now after his first disclosure letter they took tops off occasionally and put his hands on her butt but he “always moved them away”.

In the heat of the moment, how are these men, these addicts** **saying no to a mouth or vaginal penetration when offered? Why risk it all for a hand?

My Q confirmed 12 visits over the course of 8 months, with at least half resulting in HEs.

Long post. Thanks for reading. We’ve been together for 18 years; we are 36. We have two children. 4 and 1.

Through our 18 years I caught him messaging women online on 4-5 occasions. On the 3rd instance I broke up with him for half a year. He went to therapy and said he was working on himself. I did the same. We got back together got married and had kids. I believed he had it all under control. I didn’t realize how severe his problem is as he didn’t share with me that that therapist told him he’s an addict, needs to be in sa - anon, needs proper therapy etc. he hid that from me and much more. During these 18 years I knew something was off. I became hyper vigilant. Checking his phone. Asking for consent reassurance. He was going to therapy. I kept begging for a full disclose and honesty. He kept reassuring me. Nothing was going on. There’s nothing more I needed to know. He was often very defensive which I missed as a red flag. Every time I chose to believe him and forgive and work on us. I also ticked myself and downplayed it because it was digital cheating.

A month ago, something in me told me to ask my best friend if he ever tried anything with her. Intuition was right. She confirmed a 6 year long cyber affair. I came home and asked for a divorce. He finally admitted it all and it’s far worse than just her. He’s been using chat rooms compulsively and has had cyber affairs with thousands of women. Sent my private photos to men Without my permission. This man gaslit me for years. I had a feeling he was cheating but he always reassured me. Showed up as an otherwise fantastic partner and father. I am completely blind sided.

Since this latest d-day he is FINALLY taking the right action. Medication for add, working with a CSAT. Doing 12 steps. Meetings twice a week. Two sponsors. And FINALLY telling me things and being honest. I am so angry that he’s taking action only after I said I’m done. Sadly 2 days ago despite doing all this and saying how serious he’s taking this and how he wants to save our marriage he already relapsed. A friend found his online dating profile on hinge. It was like a knife through the heart. He didn’t tell me he was going to make a profile and start dating. When I confronted him he was awful about it. Classic DARVO abuse. Told me we’re over I kicked him out and I’m already moving on so he can do what he wants. Also told me that he was upset and low and we had a fight earlier so he was triggered and wanted the validation from being on there. I freaked out. Crying. Saying he can’t see my pain. It wasn’t until a full day later that he admitted he was wrong to make the profile. That it is relapse. And that his response was abusive. He cried. He was ashamed. The profile made my heart sink in a way I can’t even describe. It was awful to picture him moving on and trying to forget me asap. I feel like I don’t matter at all and that he never loved me. It crushes the hope I had that’s he’s doing the right things and can change. It seems I’ll forever trigger him and I partly Feel to blame for his relapse which I know isn’t true but it makes me anxious.

The worst part is we still see each other a lot and it’s so easy to slip back into loving him and forgetting all he’s done. He shows up as a great dad and partner. He’s remorseful. I still love him and am attached. I also start to feel numb from the sting of a discovery like the dating profile because I crash so hard from the insane emotions that it created and then I feel numb. Then I start to think maybe it’s not that bad and I should get over it.

I still want him to move out so I can see how it feels. But I am so upset at the idea of sharing custody. My sadness is so much about my family structure, kids, financial stress (left my high paying job to raise our kids). He never cheated physically but told me honestly he would have escalated there next. he DID cheat our entire 18 years. When we got married he was cheating. When we renewed our vows. As we made and had children. My whole life feels like a lie.

What would you do? Have you been here? He’s taking the right action so I feel hopeful but he already slipped .. can I ever really get over what he did? Will he ever really be a man of integrity and a safe person? He is a good person, I really do believe he is. But I can’t pass it all off on just being sick - he still made abhorrent choices and gambled with mine and the kids lives. How can I ever respect a man like that? I refuse to monitor him. If I had I probably would have learned all this sooner. I do not want to live babysitting a grown man. Sorry. It’s not for me. It will make it impossible for me to be happy if I do. Is it even possible to forgive and heal and for him to be healthy enough to not relapse without me monitoring? He’s been using chat rooms compulsively since he was 11 years old. This feels like behavior that will be near impossible to change for good.

Sorry for all my questions. I am completely lost. I can’t believe i did nothing wrong and now I suffer financially and don’t get my kids full time. It is such a severe injustice.

DDay was July 2024 for me. I found evidence on 2 occasions of my husband's betrayal, then he disclosed everything in a letter to me a few weeks later. We both come from conservative Christian families and he has worked in ministry for a decade (he's quitting this month). I have only told 3 of my closest girlfriends but none of my family. I'm afraid to tell them or any other friends who attend the church due to the stigma, and I'm also afraid that it would cause more betrayal trauma 😭 It's extremely isolating. My family knows he has regular flaws but they still think pretty highly of him and he gets along well with them. It would crush them to find out he cheated on me.

How do you decide to tell someone close to you and how much do you tell them? How long did it take for you to tell your family?

For those who attempted and failed R, how long did you attempt R before deciding to quit? I'm close to two years since DDay and it's been extremely rough the last 2 months as I've started digging deeper in therapy on the impact of the betrayal and deception.

I’m torn on if I should follow through with a polygraph or not. My husband has filled out most of the 300+ question disclosure. All I really want the polygrapher to ask is “are there any more that haven’t been admitted to”.

If you had one done, did you find relief? I feel like I *need* this in order to move forward towards reconciliation but I know polygraphs aren’t 100%. Should we go through with it or not?

Not that I subscribe to red pill theory, but my husband is repulsive to me and it is largely because of his “beta” tendencies. He doesn’t lead, I exclusively discipline the kids, make every decision about our family and home, and generally am the one to get shit done— totally out of necessity. He doesn’t take care of his body, has no ambitions, and just throws money at things (myself and sex workers included) because that’s usually the easiest fix.

I want to be soft and cared for. But I can’t be.

I’m wondering if anyone has a partner like this? Could sustained recovery work help this situation? So far 18m of recovery work and therapy just hasn’t made any difference and I’m beginning to think that’s just how he is. Unfit for marriage and unfit for fatherhood.

I’ve recently found out about my husband’s sex addiction (he was caught). We’ve been together for 4 years. The sex was great and the frequency was quite high initially, but as we got married it was less often because my sex drive was a bit low. I tried addressing this with him a few times, asked for his help because I was trying to fix our sex life, he acknowledged it but said that he doesn’t know how to help me with my low libido.

I’ve read a lot of posts by SA partners that their partner wasn’t interested in sex with them at all, but mine always tried to initiate sex and never forced me into it, he was always respectful. I always blamed myself and my low libido for our sex life, but after discovery, I’m trying not to blame myself.

My husband says he’s only kept his stuff to online and is VERY adamant that he never actually met anyone. And it’s making me think if that’s true? Maybe that’s why he was always trying to initiate sex? But my gut says otherwise, I’m sure he’s met people, he would disappear to go on “walks” for an hour or two during the last few months when his addiction was active, and I think he was out cruising.

I can’t seem to get any answers out of him at the minute and I’m just looking for some perspective on this?

My husband has done many many atrocious things to me, but he swears he has not slept with anyone else nor had any emotional attachment to another woman. He has messaged escorts through email,Twitter and texting, sexted strangers on Reddit, paid for explicit content on Only fans, visited MP and strip club, and compulsively PMO daily at times. I might be forgetting things or just don't know everything either.

I haven't shared anything with my family yet (2 years since DDay) because I'm afraid of the aftermath of divorce. We both grew up in a conservative religious household and he has worked in ministry for over a decade....he is quitting this month though since he has realized how he can't continue leading the teams when he has integrity and moral failures.

If I'm honest, my real question is: if I decide I want to leave my marriage, can I claim that my husband cheated on me?

I write this while I sit in the living room of a brand new house that I bought with my husband a few weeks ago. Second day into the new house I find Grindr on his phone. The pictures I find on there are shocking- not only has he been sexting men, he’s also been seeking out trans women. After a lot of digging I find out that he’s been sexting throughout our 2 year marriage. Says he is “bi-curious” and was only on grindr because it’s easier to sext with men and get things out of them.

Only been a few weeks since discovery. The wound is raw and it hurts in places I didn’t know existed inside of me. Partner says he’s never acted out in person, but he only says that because I don’t have proof that he’s met anyone, once I do, the trickle truth will begin. I’ve had a raw and honest conversation with him, but it seems like every time he opens his mouth, he can only manage to tell a lie. He’s a compulsive liar.

At the same time, I see pain, guilt, shame in his eyes. I see a broken man who will only break further if I leave him. He’s started therapy since but why did it only start after I have threatened to leave him?

And what about ME? How can I be a part of solution for a problem that I didn’t know existed? How do I give my life to a man I know is capable of hurting and destroying me?

I sometimes hope that I’m living in a bad dream, I’ll wake up one day and it’ll all be gone. But it doesn’t go away, every morning I wake up and I have to remind myself of the betrayal and the suffering starts again. Every. Single. Day.

Closing in on 6 months since discovery day. Like many here I feel like I know way more about sex addiction than I ever would have imagined I would. We were thrust into this world of realization, hidden betrayal, lies, gas lighting, manipulation, porn, massage parlors, escorts, fear, pain, anger, resentment, the list goes on and on. In the weeks following discovery I wasn't sure which way was up, I couldn't understand if my body was telling me to run, to hide, to wait, to care, to hate, to scream or to cry. All I knew was that it was a feeling and a situation I hated being in.

Nearly 6 months on and I feel like I can breathe, I don't wake up with such a heavy feeling in my soul. I don't feel that constant dread I carried every day for months. I think the weight was slowly lifting as I began to let my heart believe that this truly was an addiction, painfully personal but an addiction none the less.

He explains things now so much better than those few weeks when he himself was lost in the fog and denial of it all. There have been many times where I could feel him retreating into his shame, his anger at himself that occasionally was directed at me. I can sense his relief of being free from the lifestyle he had dug himself into. I can see him looking forward instead of just living day to day with no real focus or purpose. And I can see the pain he was in and still is.

Now when I look at him and think of all the acting out and the lies and manipulation, I see a man not trying to escape me and the life we had but a man trying to escape his demons. It all still hurts, it is all heartbreaking, but it is easier to understand. Sex addiction leaves scars that are deep. Scars to our self-worth, scars on our confidence, scars on our relationship. I'm learning to focus on the good. I'm focusing on looking at this man with a new sense of openness. Before he was my person, my other half, my soulmate, my best friend. Now he's a man, a whole separate person, not my possession, not an object. I'm learning to love him and love myself as two imperfect people choosing each other at this moment and maybe forever.

I have high hopes for us. I see him doing the work. I'm choosing peace over problems more each day. I know I am a strong person; I always knew I was; his addiction has proven that to me and him even more. While at times I have felt neglected, not considered, not important to this man, I have never felt that he didn't love me. I just think his capacity to show love was lost within the ever-growing mountain of shame he was building. I'm sure sex addicts close their hearts to intimacy as a way to feel less.

I know my husband is a good man. I know he suffers deeply with the trauma he has caused me. I also think the world we live in is making the whole concept of sex and relationship hard to navigate in a healthy way for most people. Men especially seem to be set up from childhood to fail or at the very least faulter when it comes to intimacy, porn being a main culprit. I think it would be very hard to find a man that isn't dealing with something in that regard.

Anyway, that was all just a bit of a brain dump but to anyone starting this journey, I just want to give you hope that things do get better with men that want to change. There are so many amazing women on this sub that have a vast amount of knowledge so read, learn, take it in. You are strong, you can do amazing things, you can get through this xx

Dday for me was literally 4 days ago. And everything is so confusing. I have lots of trauma from a sex addict father. I always thought I’d just leave as soon as I found out. But I’ve been with my partner nearly 5 years and, other than this, everything was good. And he was always so kind. He still does act kind, he hasn’t blamed me once. But he also knew about my trauma and I told him at the start of our relationship to please just leave me if he was ever going to cheat. So. His cheating has only been with this one specific kink (as long as he’s telling the truth). He’s cheated on me nearly the entire time. I don’t know if I want to leave or stay. I’m making him move out regardless so we have space to process. But I also wonder if there’s a third option. Have any of you become platonic friends with your SA? If so, how did that go?

Tldr: Have any of you broken up with but stayed friends with your SA partner?

My partner (37m) is a sex addict and the big reveal was 1.5 years ago (escorts and message parlors). A few months ago he relapsed with dating apps. The people he chose to cheat with are shocking. I saw their pictures and at least once a week I find myself lashing out about how could he want these other people over me. I think it hurt my self worth and made me realize he’ll cheat on me with literally anyone and it terrifies me. I’m realizing I probably can’t move past this now that the dating app people happened.

I thought I’d share a few insights from the mind of my sex addiction husband. The following are some things my husband has expressed. He has been sober for 5.5 months and doing what he needs to.

* I didn’t mean for it to end up like this, the acting out just “worked for me” to get the numb calm feeling.

* It wasn’t about the women (sex workers) it was whoever was available when I needed them.

* It’s not good sex, it’s emotionless and robotic. The anxiety makes you want to go in get it done and leave.

* It wasn’t about the sex, it was all about stopping the anxiety.

* It wasn’t about you, my head always all sorts of fucked up.

* I lied to myself way more than I ever lied to you, the things I believed are crazy looking back at it all now.

* I convinced myself that as long as you didn’t know it wasn’t hurting you.

Please share any words from your sex addict partner, it definitely makes me feel less alone when others discuss their experiences and I can relate.

I feel like im constantly making sure hes sexually satisfied to keep him from cheating again. Logically I know it wont matter if he wants to he will because I made sure he was satisfied before and I was the one that went without. I feel like a desperate whore. I go from this to feeling like fuck him Im going to cheat back because I know I can and much easier than he did. Sometimes I think about selling nudes of myself just because he bought so much of them too. Sometimes I fucking hate him and his touch repulsed me. What kind of Rollercoaster am I on? ​

When I first discovered what my husband was doing, his best friend told me he thought my husband was a sex addict. They’ve been best friends for 22 years. He said something out loud that I’d only thought to myself… so ya being the two people that likely know my husband best, I knew my suspicions were true.

I didn’t know as much about sex addiction and sex addicts as I do now 🥴 to the point, when I began researching the question was “how does someone become a sex addict?” That lead me to answers like, early exposure to pornography, child sxual asault, childhood trauma, etc. I immediately asked my husband if he had experienced sexual trauma as a child, he said no.

Well, meeting with his CSAT to go over the disclosure process specifically creating the timeline, triggered a memory for my husband, and he was absolutely a victim of CSA and COCSA. I already knew my husband was physically abused by his father as well.

All the to ask, why has this discovery and him sharing it with me, brought me comfort in this process?? I feel evil, like it took something horrible having to happen to my husband as a child for me to have some sense of peace around what’s happened?!? I’m filled with so much empathy for him. Is this the new normal? Will it be apart of my never ending rollercoaster of emotions. I feel like I’m carrying double the emotional weight now. Ugh.

I’ve already made the decision to leave my cheating husband but holy fuck this is the most difficult thing I have ever been through. I’m in therapy and just bumped up to twice a week because I’m struggling so hard but everything feels so hopeless right now.

All I want is to fall back into my old life but to know that it wasn’t real hurts like no other. My soon to be ex is leaving in about two months to work in another state and I have to make my peace with knowing that he’s going to be out there doing exactly what caused us to end. Flirting. Sexting. Seeking validation from anyone he might be able to get it from.

I have such a solid support system that I know I will survive this but there hasn’t been a moment in the last two months since I’ve found out that I haven’t wanted to go to sleep and stay there forever. Having to navigate working, being a parent to two young children, and just trying to survive has been excruciating.

The only thing that truly gives me purpose right now is knowing that I stand in the way of my children ending up like their father. I will educate them on things like unhealthy porn consumption, abusive relationship dynamics, positive self worth and esteem. All things that his piece of shit parents never did. His parents are still actively excusing his behavior and victim blaming me for not staying in the marriage. I refuse to be dragged further down by a man who used and discarded me. All because he wanted me to be more into “kink” and working out 🙄🙄🙄

I gave him everything and he still wanted more. So now he has nothing. And I can’t wait for the day that I am happy again. It’ll be a long, hard journey getting there and I know I will miss my best friend every step of the way but eventually I will realize that he wasn’t my best friend after all. He was a monster in a mask who intentionally deceived me so that he could have his cake and eat it too. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this.

Dday was 8 months ago. Been together for almost 25 years in total, 10 years married, 2 small kids. I am the BP. I found out that his life long porn addiction that I knew nothing about had escalated to in person sexual encounters for the past 7 years- massage parlors, BDSM clubs, swingers groups, nudist resorts. No relationships, no communications before or after. Never the same partner twice.

Its been a roller coaster, as im sure you all know. Im working on myself, figuring out what i want for my future, and he is actively pursuing recovery from sexual addiction. 12 step, therapy, medication, marriage counseling. I am seeing a man changing. So i am waiting, watching, and weighing my options.

Heres the part that i cant wrap my brain around and where I find myself so very confused: He loves me. He loves our family. He was a good husband and father.

Not perfect. Lots to improve upon, obviously. He was moody. Withdrawn. Angry a lot, for no reason. Low threshold for frustration. But he was THERE for me, even while he was doing these things. I could rely on him. I could count on him to be where i needed him, when i needed him.

He would go on these "camping trips" in those years. He was actually at swingers resorts, but of course i didnt know that. And he would call me and check in while he was there. "How are you? How are the kids? Are they being too much? Do you need me to come home?" Most of the time I said I was fine, he should enjoy his alone time. Because i thought he was just relaxing, taking time to recharge his batteries. But i can think of at least one instance that he did come home, because a kid was sick and I needed help. I dont remember him being pissy about it, either. He was happy to come home. Its like even when he was out living this double life, he was still prioritizing our family.

I cant make sense of this. Everything I read about sex addicts is that they lack empathy. They put their needs over everyone elses. They compartmentalize and rationalize. And he did that. He thought that this was his bad life, the one he knew he shouldnt do, but he did it anyways. And told himself that as long as it never touched his "good" life, he had it under control. That it wasn't hurting anyone other than himself. And he hates himself, so why not do it? He spent his own money, not our family money, to do these things. He walled it off in his mind and in action.

But he wasnt blissful about his betrayal. He got constant STD tests. He says he always wore condoms. One time when i almost caught him, about 2 years ago, he had panic attacks and major sleep disruptions for months. I thought it was stress related to his mothers illness. He knew what he was doing was wrong and awful. He knew he was betraying himself and his values. And he just. Kept. Doing. It.

He says it would go in cycles. He would tell himself never again, and then after a few weeks or months he'd be back on the train. Looking at porn, MASS amounts of porn, and escalating into in person betrayals. Then the cycle would restart. Never again, hating himself, and back into the shame cycle.

Im so confused and I dont know what to believe. His actions now are of a model reconciler. Zero defensiveness. No blame shifting. Full transparency on location and devices. Always willing to answer questions, talk about it. I tell him i dont know whats going to happen to us, i dont know if I can live with it even of he is an angel from now on. That he should just go and live this depraved sexual life, if thats what he wants for himself. He says this is where he wants to be, where hes always wanted to be, and he's grateful that I allow him in this house. That he can sleep on the couch for years, just as long as he can be here and be the man he wants to be.

There has been two slips in his recovery that i know about, with porn. The first was about a month in, and he came to me with it immediately. The second was around month 3, and he tried to hide it. Thats when we both had some realizations- i have to dettach my well-being from his recovery (or non recovery, if thats what it becomes) and he needs to be honest with himself about who he's fooling. If its not me he's fooling, he's just lying to himself all over again. There have been a few almost slips since then that i know about, and he came to me with them.

I am hoping someone else has a similar situation and may be able to relate or offer perspective. My situation seems to be unique than others I've read, but maybe not. Maybe they all do this. The good guy act. Or maybe im straight gaslighting myself, telling myself he's DIFFERENT, and he can change because hes always wanted to change and didnt know how. I am so confused on who this man is. Is he the good husband and father I've known him to be? Or the liar I've also known him to be? Its like a puzzle im always turning around in mind.

Does this jive with your experience? An addict who seemingling has a lot of empathy and regret for his behavior? How did you reconcil the two versions of your spouse?

Hi everyone..

My hsuband has been going to massage parlours for over two years, almost once a month. Sometimes it was twice a month.

Everytime he says he is done, he is kind and normal then by week three or four he gets full of rage, takes it out on me then goes back and then is normal again.

He swears all he has ever done for two years is body on body naked and handjobs... Do you really think this is true? Also the money has always been different in spending plus different parlours.

I really would like to hear from other woman that have been through the same thing and what ended up being the truth for them? Does it sound like it is just handjobs.

He also did say that a year ago "she tried to put the condom on me it didn't work so she put one in herself" and when I questioned why she would need one if it was just a handjob he said she just wanted to protect herself.

He SWEARS he is telling the truth.

Also he says he is NOT a sex addict. What am I dealing with here 😩💔💔

So I’ve battled and hid this addiction for the better part of my life (39m) and now I have been found out. I cheated on my wife with multiple escorts and hid only fans and premium porn accounts from her since before we married. While I have kept my porn addiction a little bit under control over the years when my mental health is high, I always seem to relapse and it brings me to escort sites and I go on binges. I’ve now cheated(actually meeting escorts) on her 7 times in a 6 year marriage.

The last week has basically been me getting caught and me admitting to all of the above. I had fear to come totally clean and trickle truthed till I couldn’t any longer. I’m devastated that my wife sees me as a total liar and a manipulator, sees the only reason to stay is for our dogs and for her work. If we divorce she will leave the country because she is not originally from here and has nothing to stay here for. I have ruined her life and I can’t stand the thought of losing her. It’s not that I never loved her it’s that I completely and utterly prioritized myself.

I want to get help and have therapy booked, she got imdividual therapy, I am planning on attending SA meetings, I am 100% open for transparency(already shared my passwords), I am totally down for couples counseling, I’m even into the idea rehab.

I guess I’m asking and wondering if I am just in shock of this being the end and I’m making grandiose promises or is this possible that I can beat this and we can rebuild all of this?

Before joining this sub, I was in the "love after porn", at that time I was unaware of the physical cheating and only suspected porn addiction. I still read many post on that sub and I feel for all the women, I see what's instore from them. I feel their panic, distress and sadness and I know where it all leads. It's just the very beginning for many of them, many of their men have most likely already crossed the physical contact boundary, but like us they are being deceived and are oblivious.

I think the most heartbreaking "love after porn" posts are from the women who believe their boyfriends/husbands have stopped, just stopped overnight, easy, not a problem at all. And it's not that they are naive, they are normal healthy minded women that like us give the people that they love the benefit of the doubt and think the best of them. But they are clearly being gaslit and manipulated. These men feel justified to manipulate, and the entitlement to hide porn addiction is the very entitlement that leads to hidden sex addiction.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday and a man that has over 25 years in the sex addiction field mentioned that in all his years he has never met a sex addict that didn't start with a porn compulsion. I believe that fully. While porn viewing doesn't turn every viewer into an addict, the men that turn to it for mood and emotion regulation usually end up compulsive users.