u/Warm_Sundays

Closing in on 6 months since discovery day. Like many here I feel like I know way more about sex addiction than I ever would have imagined I would. We were thrust into this world of realization, hidden betrayal, lies, gas lighting, manipulation, porn, massage parlors, escorts, fear, pain, anger, resentment, the list goes on and on. In the weeks following discovery I wasn't sure which way was up, I couldn't understand if my body was telling me to run, to hide, to wait, to care, to hate, to scream or to cry. All I knew was that it was a feeling and a situation I hated being in.

Nearly 6 months on and I feel like I can breathe, I don't wake up with such a heavy feeling in my soul. I don't feel that constant dread I carried every day for months. I think the weight was slowly lifting as I began to let my heart believe that this truly was an addiction, painfully personal but an addiction none the less.

He explains things now so much better than those few weeks when he himself was lost in the fog and denial of it all. There have been many times where I could feel him retreating into his shame, his anger at himself that occasionally was directed at me. I can sense his relief of being free from the lifestyle he had dug himself into. I can see him looking forward instead of just living day to day with no real focus or purpose. And I can see the pain he was in and still is.

Now when I look at him and think of all the acting out and the lies and manipulation, I see a man not trying to escape me and the life we had but a man trying to escape his demons. It all still hurts, it is all heartbreaking, but it is easier to understand. Sex addiction leaves scars that are deep. Scars to our self-worth, scars on our confidence, scars on our relationship. I'm learning to focus on the good. I'm focusing on looking at this man with a new sense of openness. Before he was my person, my other half, my soulmate, my best friend. Now he's a man, a whole separate person, not my possession, not an object. I'm learning to love him and love myself as two imperfect people choosing each other at this moment and maybe forever.

I have high hopes for us. I see him doing the work. I'm choosing peace over problems more each day. I know I am a strong person; I always knew I was; his addiction has proven that to me and him even more. While at times I have felt neglected, not considered, not important to this man, I have never felt that he didn't love me. I just think his capacity to show love was lost within the ever-growing mountain of shame he was building. I'm sure sex addicts close their hearts to intimacy as a way to feel less.

I know my husband is a good man. I know he suffers deeply with the trauma he has caused me. I also think the world we live in is making the whole concept of sex and relationship hard to navigate in a healthy way for most people. Men especially seem to be set up from childhood to fail or at the very least faulter when it comes to intimacy, porn being a main culprit. I think it would be very hard to find a man that isn't dealing with something in that regard.

Anyway, that was all just a bit of a brain dump but to anyone starting this journey, I just want to give you hope that things do get better with men that want to change. There are so many amazing women on this sub that have a vast amount of knowledge so read, learn, take it in. You are strong, you can do amazing things, you can get through this xx

I want to tell men something that most of them will never truly understand until it is too late.

Pornography and secret sexual behavior do not happen in a vacuum.

There is a woman on the other side of your choices.

A woman who trusted you.

A woman who believed your wedding vows meant exactly what they said.

A woman who gave you her youth, her body, her loyalty, and her heart.

A woman who believed she was safe with you.

I was that woman.

My husband told me marriage was sacred. He told me that if he ever wanted someone else, he would leave rather than betray me. He looked me in the eyes and promised that our marriage meant "only us."

While he was saying those words, he was living a secret life.

Pornography.
Sexual acting out.
Lies.
Deception.
Thousands of moments where he chose fantasy and secrecy over honesty.

And I had no idea.

I thought we had a normal marriage.

I thought his distance was stress.
I thought his irritability was work.
I thought his lack of desire for me meant I was aging.
I thought his criticism meant I needed to improve myself.

So I did what many wives do.

I blamed myself.

I wondered if I was too old.
Too heavy.
Too boring.
Too needy.
Too unattractive.

I compared my body to the women he watched.
I stood in front of the mirror and saw every flaw.
I lost confidence.
I lost peace.
I lost the carefree woman I used to be.

I became obsessed with understanding why I was not enough.

But here is what I know now:

It was never about me.

It was about addiction.

It was about a brain trained to seek novelty, secrecy, and escape.

It was about compartmentalization so extreme that he could tell me he loved me while betraying me at the same time.

It was about his inability to face his own pain honestly.

But even if it was addiction, the damage was real.

Discovery shattered my world.

The person I trusted most became the source of my greatest trauma.

My memories changed.
My marriage changed.
My sense of safety disappeared.

I questioned everything.

Was any of it real?
Did he ever truly choose me?
How could he touch me after looking at so many others?
How could he promise exclusivity while secretly violating it?

For a long time, I thought his actions meant I was undesirable.

Now I understand something different.

His addiction did not reveal my worth.

It revealed his brokenness.

And that distinction changed everything.

To the men reading this:

If you believe pornography is harmless, look beyond your screen.

Look at the woman sleeping beside you.

Look at the woman who trusts you completely.

Look at the woman who believes she is enough.

Every hidden search.
Every deleted history.
Every secret account.
Every lie by omission.

They do not stay on a device.

They enter her mind.

They alter how she sees her body.

They make her question her value.

They can turn a confident woman into someone who no longer recognizes herself.

You may think, "It's just porn."

To her, it can feel like repeated rejection.

You may think, "I still love my wife."

To her, your secrecy says she was never given the truth needed to consent to the relationship she was living in.

You may think, "It doesn't affect anyone."

It affects the person who trusted you most.

And if you are fortunate enough to have a woman who stays and fights for the marriage, understand that she is doing one of the hardest things a human being can do: trying to rebuild with the very person who shattered her sense of safety.

Recovery is possible.

Healing is possible.

But no man should underestimate the cost of his secret sexual life.

Pornography is not just about what you watch.

It is about what your choices do to the person who loves you.

Before you click, ask yourself one question:

Is this worth damaging the woman who believes she is the only one?

Because once that trust is broken, both of your lives may change forever.

Before joining this sub, I was in the "love after porn", at that time I was unaware of the physical cheating and only suspected porn addiction. I still read many post on that sub and I feel for all the women, I see what's instore from them. I feel their panic, distress and sadness and I know where it all leads. It's just the very beginning for many of them, many of their men have most likely already crossed the physical contact boundary, but like us they are being deceived and are oblivious.

I think the most heartbreaking "love after porn" posts are from the women who believe their boyfriends/husbands have stopped, just stopped overnight, easy, not a problem at all. And it's not that they are naive, they are normal healthy minded women that like us give the people that they love the benefit of the doubt and think the best of them. But they are clearly being gaslit and manipulated. These men feel justified to manipulate, and the entitlement to hide porn addiction is the very entitlement that leads to hidden sex addiction.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday and a man that has over 25 years in the sex addiction field mentioned that in all his years he has never met a sex addict that didn't start with a porn compulsion. I believe that fully. While porn viewing doesn't turn every viewer into an addict, the men that turn to it for mood and emotion regulation usually end up compulsive users.

I thought I’d share a few insights from the mind of my sex addiction husband. The following are some things my husband has expressed. He has been sober for 5.5 months and doing what he needs to.

* I didn’t mean for it to end up like this, the acting out just “worked for me” to get the numb calm feeling.

* It wasn’t about the women (sex workers) it was whoever was available when I needed them.

* It’s not good sex, it’s emotionless and robotic. The anxiety makes you want to go in get it done and leave.

* It wasn’t about the sex, it was all about stopping the anxiety.

* It wasn’t about you, my head always all sorts of fucked up.

* I lied to myself way more than I ever lied to you, the things I believed are crazy looking back at it all now.

* I convinced myself that as long as you didn’t know it wasn’t hurting you.

Please share any words from your sex addict partner, it definitely makes me feel less alone when others discuss their experiences and I can relate.

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For three or so years before discovery day both my husband and I pledged to go all in on our relationship, I was at my wits end about us and had put my foot down. I suspected porn addiction back then and I think that may have spooked him and he did start changing for the better. More attentive to me, more available and the sex was so much better and a lot more frequent. Those three years were good, even though I still had that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that something wasn't right.

The sex was good, I felt more in touch with myself and him. Then discovery day happened. 10 years of hidden massage parlors and escorts. I was floored, as we all were! Anyway, here I am 5 months on. We have been intimate a few times, well we've had sex a few times, intimate isn't how it felt. Discovery has changed the idea of sex for me, with him anyway.

The connection is no longer there; I've lost the attraction to him I once had. He feels "cheap" to me, he feels creepy. Our sex life has gone from something I put so much meaning into, to this thing that seems so pointless. I think to myself "why bother". It's not like I don't have a sex drive, I just don't have one for him any longer.

So, I'm left in the realization that his sex addiction not only affected many years of my past sex life but my future one as well. I'm pissed about it. What more can these addicts take from us.

Anyone else dealing with the thought that their sexual desire for their addict partner has been ruined?

Today I'm a bit over the whole addiction thing. I'm pretty much done with thinking about it, living it, worrying about it, dissecting it, trying to understand it, researching it. I'm done. I hate the shadow it has cast over our life; it's like I just can't get out into the sunlight and breath fresh air.

This is a "him" problem first and foremost, he concocted this all on his own. While I might be collateral damage I feel like the weight of it all shouldn't press so heavily on my shoulders. I have sat by this man when most would have run a mile on the day of discovery. I've read, I've listened to podcasts, I've watched videos, I've listed to audio books, I have studied hard for a test I never signed up for!

He depresses me, like most sex addict wives I became accustomed to mood regulation for me and for him for years. The constant confusion he would have me in would have me forever trying to do all the things to bring us closer together as a couple. Obviously blissfully unaware of the 10 years or so of sabotage he was dishing us up! I'm done being in a sad mood because he was weak.

He mopes, I'm not the most joyous person right now and nor would anyone be. I regularly want him to close his eyes and never open them again but that's beside the point. 5 months of betrayal trauma and I just need him to step up. He knows the who, what, why and how his past actions have destroyed the foundations our marriage sat on. He has also had the shock realization of how much of a dick he has been and the awakening to opt for a better future.

He needs to be the one pulling us together. He needs to build me up, sex addiction is probably one of the most selfish addictions to have and there comes a point where they need to be selfless, even just for moments through the day. For me that is now, I'm not doing another 5 months, I'm not doing another month feeling like his burden is as much mine as his. It's not!

He says he loves me, that he knows I'm all he wants, that he's never not wanted me. While I do my own therapy and my own work the onus is still on him to show that he loves me. Like most addicts his words are cheap, like literally no value. I want to see him moving, showing effort, not moping, thinking, smiling, hugging me, the discovery of his addiction wasn't an invitation to become less of all the "good" things he was before. I'm staying for the good I did see in him, so that good now needs to shine! And shine damn brightly even when my demeaner looks cold enough to freeze the sun. Push past it mate!

If I wanted to now spend time with a grumpy, mopey, frail, weak, selfish, distant man I'd move in with my Dad!

How is your addict, what's he like? Is he showing all the good you once saw or did that disappear when your adoration from him did?

I often read some of the posts on "sex addiction" subs. They are often informative and give me a better understanding, at times, of my husband's mind during his 10 years sex addiction and previous 10-year porn addiction.

I read the posts, many are full of self-pity. Many discussions about how hard they are coping with being an addict. Alot of talk of their previous abuse during childhood or adolescence. They talk a lot about "self-forgiveness" and "forget the past and move on".

While many posts are informative, very rarely is their posts about the total devastation of the innocent spouses dragged into a seedy life of manipulation and deceit that they never signed up for. It makes me wonder just how empathetic these addicts truly are. To spend years to decades orchestrating another person's life for the sole purpose of keeping their secret sexual life in the shadows. Our unaware hearts hung on their every word as they looked into our eyes and promised we are safe, respected and loved. All the while our unaware minds could never have imagined such horror awaited us.

Do they truly see what destruction they have done, to us, to our whole view of the world and every single person in it? I don't think it is even humanly possible for someone that could lead a life full of monstruous acts to ever be as empathetic as we need them to be.

Trust will never be fully given to these addicts from spouses because we know.

We know we are still and will always be at the mercy of their integrity.

We know the pain and destruction they are capable of inflicting.

We know that pain and destruction can come with smiles, hugs and "I love you's".

We know that truth and honesty isn't something they value as we do.

We know that the brutality of years of manipulation is never forgotten.

We know that somewhere in their brains is a place that they can go where the complete destruction of another person's reality is not just acceptable, it's essential.

We know that even though we now know horrific things that they have done, there is more, there will always be more.

xx

As women (and men) we need to state our boundaries with hard truths!

“I do not consent to any sexual activity with a person who withholds information that would prevent me from giving fully informed consent. This includes undisclosed pornography use, any sexual activity with others outside our relationship, or anything you know could harm me physically or emotionally. Engaging in sexual activity with me while knowingly withholding this information will be understood as a deliberate violation of my right to informed consent and will be treated accordingly.”

Tell them, tell them straight to their face and make it fully known to your friends and family that this is the truth you will stand by. Advocate for yourself, do not rely on your partner to protect you. We read posts everyday from people expressing their distress on having been lied to by the people who they trusted to protect them. We have every right to know who we are allowing into our bodies. If you have a boundary around porn, tell them they are violating your right to consent by not disclosing and therefore will be having sex with someone that does NOT give consent. If that’s the sort of person they are okay being, it’s time to run. x

I thought I'd share my story; it's good grounding for me to be able to discuss my experience and I also like to read where others are in theirs. It brings me back to reality when my mind drifts into rumination, which happens often.

5 Months ago, I (F54) discovered my husbands (M48) sex addiction. I had suspected porn addiction about 3 years prior, and we had some huge discussions about it and of course he promised he would stop. He played the "recovered porn addict" part very well for the following 3 years, I loved him and I wanted to believe he was being honest, but my instincts knew something was off, it was that same gnawing feeling in my gut that I'd had for as long as I could remember.

The random days of him feeling distant, him never bringing up concerns with the relationship, for the few weeks leading up to discovering his 10 year-long sex addiction (massage parlors and escorts) I began to notice more. He was getting more distant, seemed more stressed for no apparent reason, he is a smoker and a regular drinker, both of these started increasing. In my wildest dreams I would never have guessed what was being hidden from me.

A reel came up on my Instagram feed about a lady that found out her husband was having an affair by finding his mistresses number in his phone blocked list. That reel saved me from more years of betrayal. I checked his phone and there it was 10 blocked escort phone numbers! I was floored! Thankfully my suspicion of porn addiction meant by the time I found the escort numbers I was pretty knowledgeable about sexual addiction as knew that is exactly what he was.

The thing was, since the porn addiction acknowledgement we both put a lot more effort into our marriage. We were both much happier, we were spending more time together doing things we enjoyed. Bought a campervan and took many trips. Went overseas on vacation 5 times. The sex was the best it had ever been, usually 4 times a week. The last of my children had moved out of home and we were at last empty nesters and could focus on us.

However, by the time we began really working on our relationship he was already well into his addiction cycle. It was a way of life, it was a totally ingrained, he never even realized he was addicted. He was in the addict bubble and that was his life. What confirmed his addiction was how he describes the "cycle".

We live an hour away from the nearest massage parlor/escort service. His acting out would be on days he worked out of town, usually once or twice a fortnight. The addiction cycle on the days he could act out were:

* He would look at porn, usually in the morning before work.

* Porn would lead him to checking the escort sites.

* He would text a few escorts to see if they were available at the times he could meet.

* He if he could not organize and escort he would resort to a massage parlor.

* He says the anxiety he would feel when he would text the escorts was very uncomfortable.

* He would meet the escorts at hotel rooms. 30-minute bookings. Shower, sex, shower and leave.

The feeling he was craving in his addiction was the "relief" numbing effect for the hours proceeding the sex. That relief was from the stress of life, the shame of the double life he was living even if he never acknowledged it to himself, it was there. It was also the relief from the anxiety that he'd actually self-inflicted by starting the addiction cycle that day. But in the addiction, he could put those two things together.

I listen to him, many things shock me, many things break my heart, I have pity for him, I have anger and disgust. I have days where I want to stab him to death and others where I see him as a man tormented by a world he can't even fathom he was in.

What to do, that is what I ask myself daily. This man is not the man I agreed to marry 27 years ago. So many years of lies, gaslighting, manipulation and an amount of infidelity that brings me to my knees at times. I truly believed this man cherished me, maybe in a strange way he did. He says he never stopped loving me the whole time, never wanted a life without me, some days I still believe that.

I can see he is fighting for me; he is witness to my broken heart each day. He sits in the pain of the awfully distressing things I say to him. He watches me move from loving him to despising him multiple times a day. He tells me things he knows will hurt me because I ask the questions. He is in pain along with me, and he deserves to be.

This man has been emotionally avoidant his whole life, his mother has reminded me many times that "he's always been a sensitive boy", like it's a good thing?? My biggest tip for anyone dealing with an avoidant man is to get them into therapy. Avoidant men hide things, their feelings, their sexuality, their needs, their desires, their true selves. It's not healthy, and it leads to disassociation, one man with two personalities, the one you see and the one that they don't think anyone should see.

For my husband his sex addiction was totally disassociated from his public facing life. To him they never crossed paths, obviously clear minded people know that's impossible. Here are some thoughts from my husband about his addiction.

* It was never about the people; it was who was available.

* He doesn't believe he would recognize any of the people he had "used" out of a line up.

* Within 30 minutes of leaving the escort he'd totally wiped it from his mind, like it never happened. (I think that's one of the ways they are able to not feel the guilt and shame)

* The meetings were about sex, basic quick release. It's not romantic, it's not calm, it's not thoughtful interactions, it's not friendly and kind, it's get in, get the job done and leave. (To the addict escorts are objects to use, just like porn where they don't see the actors as real people)

* The escalation from porn to physical interactions wasn't the start of the sex addiction, the porn was the start of the sex addiction. The porn addiction was the gateway drug; the porn was the opening door to the sex. His brain was already wired to act out sexually with others way before it actually started.

I understand addiction, (my brother has been addicted to drugs and alcohol for over 35 years) I understand that it's mind altering, understanding the actions of addicts to the clear thinking my is virtually impossible. And here I am, in the middle of the crossroad trying to work out how my life is going to look from here on in. For 27 years I had a pretty solid grip on my future, what, where, why and who I was in it. Today, it's different.

I have resentment for moments lost. I have sadness for things that should have been. I have pain and heartache where just months ago love and safety stood. I want to be with him; I want to be away from him. I loved him so deeply before that I'm not sure if a surface level love will sustain me. His actions have changed him, me, us, everything.

Only people that have been in this situation understand how complex it is, there are literally hundreds of parts to it. Just coming out of this whole thing with any sanity at all in a true accomplishment. The average adult has up to 70,000 thought a day. These days I feel I've had that many before I've had my morning coffee.

Not sure how informative or even understandable this has been for anyone but the purge had done me good I think. xx

The Illusion of Boundaries

We’re told to set boundaries.

“Just be clear about what you will and won’t tolerate.”

So you say:

"I won’t stay in a relationship where there is hidden porn use."

That feels strong. Clear. Self-respecting.

But what happens when the person you are with lies?

He doesn’t come to you and say,
“Hey, I broke your boundary.”

He just hides it better.

Deletes history. Uses private browsers. Swears nothing is going on.

So now what?

Your boundary technically still exists…
but it only works if the person breaking it tells you the truth.

And if they don’t?

Then the boundary to him was no more than a suggestion,
just something you believed in while reality carried on underneath it.

That’s the illusion.

Not because boundaries are useless,
but because we sometimes place them in the hands of people who benefit from ignoring them.

A boundary isn’t:
“Don’t do this to me.”

A boundary is:
“If this happens, this is what I will do.”

And here’s the part no one talks about:

If you cannot see the behavior,
and the other person is committed to hiding it,
then your boundary can’t activate.

You’re left in a relationship where:

• The truth is optional
• Your safety depends on their honesty
• And your boundary becomes something you hope is being respected… rather than something you can actually enforce

That’s not a boundary.

That’s trust placed in someone who has already shown they will break it.

So the real question becomes:

What does a boundary look like
when the truth itself is unreliable?

Because at some point,
it stops being about the rule you set…

and starts being about whether you’re willing to live in a reality you cannot verify.

Why do we stay?

Is it the sunk cost fallacy?

Is it that we still see them as the people we imagined they were?

Are we scared to be alone, scared to start over?

Do we somehow feel we don't deserve better?

Do we see our lives as less worthy just like they did for all those years?

Is it better the devil you know?

Are we devasted to think of them with someone else?

Is it financial?

Do we stay so they have to take accountability for their actions?

Do we stay to keep the secret?

Do we stay for the promises they make now that they could never fulfill before?

Is it because they have spent years making us doubt our own inner wisdom and we are now to scared to make decisions alone?

Are we staying because we are waiting, watching, learning who they are, who they can be?

Are we staying because that's what they expect of us, because that's how the game is meant to play out in their selfish minds?

Is it because we want the fairytale we know we can never really have with them anymore?

It feels like forgiving ourselves for staying is harder than forgiving them for the hurt they caused us.

Why are you staying?

10 years ago my husband of 27 years decided to that our relationship was going to be non monogamous! He just forget to tell me about it 🤦🏻‍♀️ Making that decision also paved the way for his sex addiction. He is in recovery and doing well, I am in a pretty good place myself. I understand addiction but even with that understanding I hold A LOT of resentment. Resentment about the sex life I never got to have while his sexual focus was elsewhere.

I am an attractive 54 year old woman, I still get attention from men when I am out. I also enjoy sex, always have. I am very committed to my husband, I don’t want to have a relationship with anyone else. But I want the experiences. The experiences I feel were robbed from me over the decades. I want some of that sexual freedom he granted himself without my knowledge, and I think I’m going to get it. As I stated, I don’t want to leave my husband as long as he continues his recovery work. I will also be informing him of my intentions, and even if I don’t end up going through with it just knowing that I am allowing myself some sexual autonomy after so many years of horrific betrayal may lessen my resentment.

If like me, you are trudging through the devastating discovery of sex addiction I'm wondering how others are framing it in your mind? I have watched so many videos, listened to so many podcasts and read so many studies about sex addiction that I think I should be bestowed a diploma of some sort!

I'm 5 months from D-day, 10 years of massage parlors and escorts. Things are a lot less chaotic now, and I feel less in "flight" mode and the anxiety seems to be calming. I have gotten to the point where I need to try to focus more on the future with my SA husband and less on the trauma of the past. Not always easy. I still have times of complete sadness that my reality was taken from me for all those years, and I know I feel deep resentment at times.

My husband has been sober from all acting since discovery, he is very happy to sit for long talks and answer all questions I have. I can see that he is fully aware of the total devastation he has caused me, our relationship and himself. I know my husband loves me and is fighting hard to keep us together, even on the days where I'm lost in hopelessness. Even with that knowledge I am still taking note of his actions and have my eyes wide open.

I believe sex addiction is caused by past trauma, helped along with attachment disorders, compulsive porn use and prolonged with disassociation. While sometimes I have hours where he is just the arsehole that ruined our marriage, other times I understand he really has been a tormented soul throughout this whole ordeal also. In the beginning I believed that he was just evil and he had done this "to" me. I can see now that that isn't true. I have been witness to this man growing emotionally before my eyes and I'm so thankful for that. He's been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting.

Which brings me to how I am trying to be more empathetic, not always easy! In my trauma I've called my husband a lot of very awful things over the last 5 months and even though I am not ashamed about that I do need to take into consideration the massive life changes he is making. I cannot imagine going cold turkey with an addiction during these most stressful 5 months. The last thing I want to do is add more trauma to his life, which then increases the chances of relapse. While I will still express my feelings, I do know that to move forward I need to express them in a more loving way. Pretty sure I'm well over the quota for pretty much all the vulgar words!

In our 27 years together these 5 months have been the most chaotic, emotionally, physically and mentally draining, but also informative. I am ready to start getting more regulated and am going to endeavor to start showing some love and affection. I miss the connection and I can see that he is doing all the things to be the man he wants to be for me and for himself. Wish me luck!