u/Puzzleheaded-Fig4612

I write this while I sit in the living room of a brand new house that I bought with my husband a few weeks ago. Second day into the new house I find Grindr on his phone. The pictures I find on there are shocking- not only has he been sexting men, he’s also been seeking out trans women. After a lot of digging I find out that he’s been sexting throughout our 2 year marriage. Says he is “bi-curious” and was only on grindr because it’s easier to sext with men and get things out of them.

Only been a few weeks since discovery. The wound is raw and it hurts in places I didn’t know existed inside of me. Partner says he’s never acted out in person, but he only says that because I don’t have proof that he’s met anyone, once I do, the trickle truth will begin. I’ve had a raw and honest conversation with him, but it seems like every time he opens his mouth, he can only manage to tell a lie. He’s a compulsive liar.

At the same time, I see pain, guilt, shame in his eyes. I see a broken man who will only break further if I leave him. He’s started therapy since but why did it only start after I have threatened to leave him?

And what about ME? How can I be a part of solution for a problem that I didn’t know existed? How do I give my life to a man I know is capable of hurting and destroying me?

I sometimes hope that I’m living in a bad dream, I’ll wake up one day and it’ll all be gone. But it doesn’t go away, every morning I wake up and I have to remind myself of the betrayal and the suffering starts again. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve recently found out about my husband’s sex addiction (he was caught). We’ve been together for 4 years. The sex was great and the frequency was quite high initially, but as we got married it was less often because my sex drive was a bit low. I tried addressing this with him a few times, asked for his help because I was trying to fix our sex life, he acknowledged it but said that he doesn’t know how to help me with my low libido.

I’ve read a lot of posts by SA partners that their partner wasn’t interested in sex with them at all, but mine always tried to initiate sex and never forced me into it, he was always respectful. I always blamed myself and my low libido for our sex life, but after discovery, I’m trying not to blame myself.

My husband says he’s only kept his stuff to online and is VERY adamant that he never actually met anyone. And it’s making me think if that’s true? Maybe that’s why he was always trying to initiate sex? But my gut says otherwise, I’m sure he’s met people, he would disappear to go on “walks” for an hour or two during the last few months when his addiction was active, and I think he was out cruising.

I can’t seem to get any answers out of him at the minute and I’m just looking for some perspective on this?

I only recently found out about my husband’s sex addiction and have been reflecting back on his “regular” behavior. Thinking back, it seems like there was always something off about him but I couldn’t quite put a finger on it. It seemed like he had limited capacity and only could care about certain things and people, probably because his mind was too preoccupied. Has anyone else noticed that in their SA partner?