Dday was 8 months ago. Been together for almost 25 years in total, 10 years married, 2 small kids. I am the BP. I found out that his life long porn addiction that I knew nothing about had escalated to in person sexual encounters for the past 7 years- massage parlors, BDSM clubs, swingers groups, nudist resorts. No relationships, no communications before or after. Never the same partner twice.
Its been a roller coaster, as im sure you all know. Im working on myself, figuring out what i want for my future, and he is actively pursuing recovery from sexual addiction. 12 step, therapy, medication, marriage counseling. I am seeing a man changing. So i am waiting, watching, and weighing my options.
Heres the part that i cant wrap my brain around and where I find myself so very confused: He loves me. He loves our family. He was a good husband and father.
Not perfect. Lots to improve upon, obviously. He was moody. Withdrawn. Angry a lot, for no reason. Low threshold for frustration. But he was THERE for me, even while he was doing these things. I could rely on him. I could count on him to be where i needed him, when i needed him.
He would go on these "camping trips" in those years. He was actually at swingers resorts, but of course i didnt know that. And he would call me and check in while he was there. "How are you? How are the kids? Are they being too much? Do you need me to come home?" Most of the time I said I was fine, he should enjoy his alone time. Because i thought he was just relaxing, taking time to recharge his batteries. But i can think of at least one instance that he did come home, because a kid was sick and I needed help. I dont remember him being pissy about it, either. He was happy to come home. Its like even when he was out living this double life, he was still prioritizing our family.
I cant make sense of this. Everything I read about sex addicts is that they lack empathy. They put their needs over everyone elses. They compartmentalize and rationalize. And he did that. He thought that this was his bad life, the one he knew he shouldnt do, but he did it anyways. And told himself that as long as it never touched his "good" life, he had it under control. That it wasn't hurting anyone other than himself. And he hates himself, so why not do it? He spent his own money, not our family money, to do these things. He walled it off in his mind and in action.
But he wasnt blissful about his betrayal. He got constant STD tests. He says he always wore condoms. One time when i almost caught him, about 2 years ago, he had panic attacks and major sleep disruptions for months. I thought it was stress related to his mothers illness. He knew what he was doing was wrong and awful. He knew he was betraying himself and his values. And he just. Kept. Doing. It.
He says it would go in cycles. He would tell himself never again, and then after a few weeks or months he'd be back on the train. Looking at porn, MASS amounts of porn, and escalating into in person betrayals. Then the cycle would restart. Never again, hating himself, and back into the shame cycle.
Im so confused and I dont know what to believe. His actions now are of a model reconciler. Zero defensiveness. No blame shifting. Full transparency on location and devices. Always willing to answer questions, talk about it. I tell him i dont know whats going to happen to us, i dont know if I can live with it even of he is an angel from now on. That he should just go and live this depraved sexual life, if thats what he wants for himself. He says this is where he wants to be, where hes always wanted to be, and he's grateful that I allow him in this house. That he can sleep on the couch for years, just as long as he can be here and be the man he wants to be.
There has been two slips in his recovery that i know about, with porn. The first was about a month in, and he came to me with it immediately. The second was around month 3, and he tried to hide it. Thats when we both had some realizations- i have to dettach my well-being from his recovery (or non recovery, if thats what it becomes) and he needs to be honest with himself about who he's fooling. If its not me he's fooling, he's just lying to himself all over again. There have been a few almost slips since then that i know about, and he came to me with them.
I am hoping someone else has a similar situation and may be able to relate or offer perspective. My situation seems to be unique than others I've read, but maybe not. Maybe they all do this. The good guy act. Or maybe im straight gaslighting myself, telling myself he's DIFFERENT, and he can change because hes always wanted to change and didnt know how. I am so confused on who this man is. Is he the good husband and father I've known him to be? Or the liar I've also known him to be? Its like a puzzle im always turning around in mind.
Does this jive with your experience? An addict who seemingling has a lot of empathy and regret for his behavior? How did you reconcil the two versions of your spouse?