u/WrongAverage7043

I’ve already made the decision to leave my cheating husband but holy fuck this is the most difficult thing I have ever been through. I’m in therapy and just bumped up to twice a week because I’m struggling so hard but everything feels so hopeless right now.

All I want is to fall back into my old life but to know that it wasn’t real hurts like no other. My soon to be ex is leaving in about two months to work in another state and I have to make my peace with knowing that he’s going to be out there doing exactly what caused us to end. Flirting. Sexting. Seeking validation from anyone he might be able to get it from.

I have such a solid support system that I know I will survive this but there hasn’t been a moment in the last two months since I’ve found out that I haven’t wanted to go to sleep and stay there forever. Having to navigate working, being a parent to two young children, and just trying to survive has been excruciating.

The only thing that truly gives me purpose right now is knowing that I stand in the way of my children ending up like their father. I will educate them on things like unhealthy porn consumption, abusive relationship dynamics, positive self worth and esteem. All things that his piece of shit parents never did. His parents are still actively excusing his behavior and victim blaming me for not staying in the marriage. I refuse to be dragged further down by a man who used and discarded me. All because he wanted me to be more into “kink” and working out 🙄🙄🙄

I gave him everything and he still wanted more. So now he has nothing. And I can’t wait for the day that I am happy again. It’ll be a long, hard journey getting there and I know I will miss my best friend every step of the way but eventually I will realize that he wasn’t my best friend after all. He was a monster in a mask who intentionally deceived me so that he could have his cake and eat it too. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this.

I’ve made the ugly decision that I have to choose myself after all of this and work towards detaching in preparation for divorce. This weekend my husband said he doesn’t think he has an addiction sometimes. He thinks he’s just an asshole. And I truly think that’s correct. He made cold and calculated decisions to deceive me and get away with his bullshit. He wasn’t out of control with any of it, he was bored and wanted something fun to do. Apparently his version of fun never made it past some shit an 18 year old would do in the summer before going off to college and growing the fuck up.

He has admitted all of that. He says that he wants us to be together, that he is trying so hard to work on himself and that it’s just really early in the process but I know he can’t change. His whole family has the same personality defects as he does. There is no hope. He’s a rotted, soulless piece of shit who cries about how he loves our daughter so much and how he will always provide for her. Where was that concern before you decided to destroy her mother? Her entire world? I’m not the same woman I was two months ago before I found out. I’m not the same mother. I’m a weepy, gaunt, tired mess. I’ve lost 20 pounds. I force myself to eat and drink in front of her so she doesn’t see that something is wrong. I’m terrified that I’m going to give her an eating disorder because I literally cannot force myself to eat like normal.

He is still lying. I bluffed last week and found out about someone new. That’s how I know he will never change. He still claims he doesn’t remember things but I know he’s saying that out of self preservation. I hate him with every ounce of my soul because he couldn’t just be BETTER. He knew that he was a piece of shit and still chose to build a life with me. I wish that I could stop loving him this instant so that I could save myself a lot of tears over the next few years. I’m so scared to let go. Once I do and he knows that there is no chance, he’s going to skidaddle off to find someone else to latch on to. I don’t know why I care but the thought of that is so painful I can’t bear to think about it.