u/westend-girl90

What is some advice to help ensure the safety of our kids with their sex addict parent?

I worry deeply that because my SA partner could cross so many lines and lie to me so well, he could be capable of doing something really scary to my kids and hiding it. I have 0 evidence that he’s done anything illegal regarding kids but it’s natural that my brain would go there because I also have basically 0 evidence of what he was doing to me!. If he can cheat on me for 18 years and send my private photos to men (something illegal he DID do) what’s to stop him from crossing boundaries with kids? These SAs have terrible judgement. Even hiring a SW is illegal and many of them do that. So what’s to stop them from other illegal stuff with minors?

I’m terrified about sharing custody. I am on the path to divorce and joint custody. Realistically we will be 60/40 split with more time for me because he travels for work a lot. My kids are 4 and 1. He shows up as an awesome dad despite everything he’s done (which I know makes him a terrible dad in practice believe me) and they love him. I do not want to keep my kids from him as it will hurt them, but how the hell do I ensure their safety? I’m teaching my daughter body safety but he could even like take her photo and send it around and she wouldn’t know that anything happened. I know I am spiraling on the worst case right now. Any tips or things you did to help ensure your kids safety? Any regrets? TIA.

Long post. Thanks for reading. We’ve been together for 18 years; we are 36. We have two children. 4 and 1.

Through our 18 years I caught him messaging women online on 4-5 occasions. On the 3rd instance I broke up with him for half a year. He went to therapy and said he was working on himself. I did the same. We got back together got married and had kids. I believed he had it all under control. I didn’t realize how severe his problem is as he didn’t share with me that that therapist told him he’s an addict, needs to be in sa - anon, needs proper therapy etc. he hid that from me and much more. During these 18 years I knew something was off. I became hyper vigilant. Checking his phone. Asking for consent reassurance. He was going to therapy. I kept begging for a full disclose and honesty. He kept reassuring me. Nothing was going on. There’s nothing more I needed to know. He was often very defensive which I missed as a red flag. Every time I chose to believe him and forgive and work on us. I also ticked myself and downplayed it because it was digital cheating.

A month ago, something in me told me to ask my best friend if he ever tried anything with her. Intuition was right. She confirmed a 6 year long cyber affair. I came home and asked for a divorce. He finally admitted it all and it’s far worse than just her. He’s been using chat rooms compulsively and has had cyber affairs with thousands of women. Sent my private photos to men Without my permission. This man gaslit me for years. I had a feeling he was cheating but he always reassured me. Showed up as an otherwise fantastic partner and father. I am completely blind sided.

Since this latest d-day he is FINALLY taking the right action. Medication for add, working with a CSAT. Doing 12 steps. Meetings twice a week. Two sponsors. And FINALLY telling me things and being honest. I am so angry that he’s taking action only after I said I’m done. Sadly 2 days ago despite doing all this and saying how serious he’s taking this and how he wants to save our marriage he already relapsed. A friend found his online dating profile on hinge. It was like a knife through the heart. He didn’t tell me he was going to make a profile and start dating. When I confronted him he was awful about it. Classic DARVO abuse. Told me we’re over I kicked him out and I’m already moving on so he can do what he wants. Also told me that he was upset and low and we had a fight earlier so he was triggered and wanted the validation from being on there. I freaked out. Crying. Saying he can’t see my pain. It wasn’t until a full day later that he admitted he was wrong to make the profile. That it is relapse. And that his response was abusive. He cried. He was ashamed. The profile made my heart sink in a way I can’t even describe. It was awful to picture him moving on and trying to forget me asap. I feel like I don’t matter at all and that he never loved me. It crushes the hope I had that’s he’s doing the right things and can change. It seems I’ll forever trigger him and I partly Feel to blame for his relapse which I know isn’t true but it makes me anxious.

The worst part is we still see each other a lot and it’s so easy to slip back into loving him and forgetting all he’s done. He shows up as a great dad and partner. He’s remorseful. I still love him and am attached. I also start to feel numb from the sting of a discovery like the dating profile because I crash so hard from the insane emotions that it created and then I feel numb. Then I start to think maybe it’s not that bad and I should get over it.

I still want him to move out so I can see how it feels. But I am so upset at the idea of sharing custody. My sadness is so much about my family structure, kids, financial stress (left my high paying job to raise our kids). He never cheated physically but told me honestly he would have escalated there next. he DID cheat our entire 18 years. When we got married he was cheating. When we renewed our vows. As we made and had children. My whole life feels like a lie.

What would you do? Have you been here? He’s taking the right action so I feel hopeful but he already slipped .. can I ever really get over what he did? Will he ever really be a man of integrity and a safe person? He is a good person, I really do believe he is. But I can’t pass it all off on just being sick - he still made abhorrent choices and gambled with mine and the kids lives. How can I ever respect a man like that? I refuse to monitor him. If I had I probably would have learned all this sooner. I do not want to live babysitting a grown man. Sorry. It’s not for me. It will make it impossible for me to be happy if I do. Is it even possible to forgive and heal and for him to be healthy enough to not relapse without me monitoring? He’s been using chat rooms compulsively since he was 11 years old. This feels like behavior that will be near impossible to change for good.

Sorry for all my questions. I am completely lost. I can’t believe i did nothing wrong and now I suffer financially and don’t get my kids full time. It is such a severe injustice.

Long post. Thanks for reading. We’ve been together for 18 years; we are 36. We have two children. 4 and 1.

Through our 18 years I caught him messaging women online on 4-5 occasions. On the 3rd instance I broke up with him for half a year. He went to therapy and said he was working on himself. I did the same. We got back together got married and had kids. I believed he had it all under control. I didn’t realize how severe his problem is as he didn’t share with me that that therapist told him he’s an addict, needs to be in sa - anon, needs proper therapy etc. he hid that from me and much more. During these 18 years I knew something was off. I became hyper vigilant. Checking his phone. Asking for consent reassurance. He was going to therapy. I kept begging for a full disclose and honesty. He kept reassuring me. Nothing was going on. There’s nothing more I needed to know. He was often very defensive which I missed as a red flag. Every time I chose to believe him and forgive and work on us. I also ticked myself and downplayed it because it was digital cheating.

A month ago, something in me told me to ask my best friend if he ever tried anything with her. Intuition was right. She confirmed a 6 year long cyber affair. I came home and asked for a divorce. He finally admitted it all and it’s far worse than just her. He’s been using chat rooms compulsively and has had cyber affairs with thousands of women. Sent my private photos to men Without my permission. This man gaslit me for years. I had a feeling he was cheating but he always reassured me. Showed up as an otherwise fantastic partner and father. I am completely blind sided.

Since this latest d-day he is FINALLY taking the right action. Medication for add, working with a CSAT. Doing 12 steps. Meetings twice a week. Two sponsors. And FINALLY telling me things and being honest. I am so angry that he’s taking action only after I said I’m done. Sadly 2 days ago despite doing all this and saying how serious he’s taking this and how he wants to save our marriage he already relapsed. A friend found his online dating profile on hinge. It was like a knife through the heart. He didn’t tell me he was going to make a profile and start dating. When I confronted him he was awful about it. Classic DARVO abuse. Told me we’re over I kicked him out and I’m already moving on so he can do what he wants. Also told me that he was upset and low and we had a fight earlier so he was triggered and wanted the validation from being on there. I freaked out. Crying. Saying he can’t see my pain. It wasn’t until a full day later that he admitted he was wrong to make the profile. That it is relapse. And that his response was abusive. He cried. He was ashamed. The profile made my heart sink in a way I can’t even describe. It was awful to picture him moving on and trying to forget me asap. I feel like I don’t matter at all and that he never loved me. It crushes the hope I had that’s he’s doing the right things and can change. It seems I’ll forever trigger him and I partly Feel to blame for his relapse which I know isn’t true but it makes me anxious.

The worst part is we still see each other a lot and it’s so easy to slip back into loving him and forgetting all he’s done. He shows up as a great dad and partner. He’s remorseful. I still love him and am attached. I also start to feel numb from the sting of a discovery like the dating profile because I crash so hard from the insane emotions that it created and then I feel numb. Then I start to think maybe it’s not that bad and I should get over it.

I still want him to move out so I can see how it feels. But I am so upset at the idea of sharing custody. My sadness is so much about my family structure, kids, financial stress (left my high paying job to raise our kids). He never cheated physically but told me honestly he would have escalated there next. he DID cheat our entire 18 years. When we got married he was cheating. When we renewed our vows. As we made and had children. My whole life feels like a lie.

What would you do? Have you been here? He’s taking the right action so I feel hopeful but he already slipped .. can I ever really get over what he did? Will he ever really be a man of integrity and a safe person? He is a good person, I really do believe he is. But I can’t pass it all off on just being sick - he still made abhorrent choices and gambled with mine and the kids lives. How can I ever respect a man like that? I refuse to monitor him. If I had I probably would have learned all this sooner. I do not want to live babysitting a grown man. Sorry. It’s not for me. It will make it impossible for me to be happy if I do. Is it even possible to forgive and heal and for him to be healthy enough to not relapse without me monitoring? He’s been using chat rooms compulsively since he was 11 years old. This feels like behavior that will be near impossible to change for good.

Sorry for all my questions. I am completely lost. I can’t believe i did nothing wrong and now I suffer financially and don’t get my kids full time. It is such a severe injustice.