r/demisexuality

Not only not interesting, but downright depressing. I am not religious, and I'm not trying to sound preachy, I'm just talking about my own feelings. To me, sex without love seems meaningless and sad. I honestly can't stand the thought. Even in media, when I see characters have casual sex because they can't be with their true love, it's depressing as hell.

Right now I identify as asexual, but I might be demisexual. I haven't had sex or a romantic relationship (I'm not aromantic.) I am going through a really hard time emotionally right now, and not having a friend or partner makes it so much more difficult.

From what I’ve heard, there’s a difference between the two.

What I mean is, I find people attractive; like I think sexually attractive but I don’t want to have sex until I have a strong connection. Not even like “you’re hot but I want to wait until we have a connection”, it’s rather I find them cute/hot but absolutely don’t want sex until there’s a connection.

I think there’s a possibility I’m demisexual but I’m a little confused at the term “sexually attractive”. I think I find someone sexy but if I have sex before there’s a strong connection, I mostly just feel like I have to, for lack of a better term.

Can someone who’s demisexual explain the clear difference between finding someone hot but not being sexually attracted to them until there’s a strong connection and finding someone hot but not wanting sex until there’s a strong connection?

I feel like it’s a dumb question but I really don’t know the difference.

It reminds me of aphantasia. I can’t see images in my mind and for a large portion of my life I thought when people said “imagine an apple…” they were being metaphorical until I found out people actually could.

I don’t know if there’s actually a difference between me and people wanting sex more after a strong connection or if I’m confused.

Sorry if a lot of posts are the same. I looked a bit and couldn’t find one similar but I probably just didn’t look hard enough.

I keep seeing people say things like “everyone is demisexual” or “that’s just normal,” usually meaning people prefer emotional connection before sex or don’t want to sleep with strangers, I guess?

I’m trying to understand what people mean when they say that.

Because for me, the difference doesn’t feel small at all, it feels like a completely different starting point and logic. Like, I feel like an alien sometimes.

Sometimes I even doubt myself and question demisexuality as a whole, it’s kinda tough.

Hi guys,

As the natural bodily urges present themselves I’ve been accustomed throughout the years to resort to 🌽 to get off. I’m a “demi” who finds it hard to date in his city/country, because the dating pool is just so small, and, as it seems to be a worldwide issue, guys generally don’t want to date or form any sort of connection either, just straight up sex only…

I had a question, because I’ve been chronically single for a very long time. What do you guys resort to when you get that urge and you need to get off?! Because I know that resorting to 🌽 on the long term is not good psychologically either, right?

Thank you!

Im 43 and going to be 44 year’s old very soon.

Im my whole life I had only date

2 people. A man when I was 38 and a woman at

41. I haven’t dated anyone since. I’m in dating app but I click left more the I click right. I feel like I’m

Very picky when it comes to dating. I think that I’m

Demisexual and bisexual at the same time. I feel like I need some kind of connection before dating someone. I date my ex-girlfriend because we were roommates and friends first. With my first boyfriend I got to know him and we started dating. As I think about my past crush they all where with friends. I feel like I’m the only one person that feel this way.

I live in a big city and I still haven’t met anyone like, it makes me feel lonely. Any advice would help thanks for reading my post.

I mean i guess having attraction toward attractive stranger is normal like seeing them and thinking damn this girl is pretty im bi so i see many girlies attractive but

I usually dont think anything sexual at all. I just think shes pretty and I forget about her.

I read that many of them even while married fantasise about strangers or coworkers or celebrities even during intimate moments with their lover...

And that they have crushes too?

I get it if its just involuntarily body reaction or sth but still if they actually fantasise about someone else??

I guess being a helpless romantic virgin made me think that most people are only attracted sexually to their lover...

They say that they would never react on it I mean yeah... but these thoughts alone kinda make me sad. Which is stupid I know XDD

Like what if im hugging my lover and he thinks of his hot coworker?

Maybe I should get therapy or stay single forever...

Basically, what the title says. Almost everyone I have personally asked about their current relationships has a story that goes along the lines of "I met them, we started talking, 2 weeks later we started dating, and within the next month we were official" or something else that's based off of initial (or, very very quick) attraction. I mean, given my current heartbreak over unreciprocated love for my friend of 3 years, I can't help but feel like being able to just "meet someone" and almost immediately hit it off makes dating 10x easier. Even if their relationships don't last, I feel like allos would have a much easier time getting into newer ones, as they don't have to wait months/years to feel any attraction in the first place.

Plus, while searching for tips on how to get over my heartbreak, a sizeable amount of the stories went, "I was heartbroken until I met my fiancé 3 months later". Like, okay. Prince Charming came to save you. I don't mean to sound inconsiderate here but I can't help but be jealous, man 😭😭... I've been heartbroken for 11 months at this point and it's literally impossible for some other guy to "sweep me off my feet" and take the pain away since I can't feel any initial attraction like that.

So yeah. What do you guys think?

> Then you have to soldier through, have sex you don't really want to have yet, and just hope the pieces fall in place sometime after, when you already have a relationship.

I can't believe I read this and I don't even know where to start. I just want to rant, vent and scream.

We all have in common that we feel sexual attraction when an emotional bond is there but what about the feelings around the activity?

Personally my feelings vary: I might be very enthusiastic about it to have it with my partner to sometimes feelings that yeah it's nice and satisfies me or something like that, like not that enthusiastic about it but it's still nice. I'm in a long term relationship and maybe I'm a bit insecure to not always be super enthusiastic about it every time. I think the media shows sex always as something huge and the best thing ever and when I do not feel that excited most of the time (never did actually) I start to question is this normal or something to be concerned about. Or is it just a thing that happens in most long term relationships when the honeymoon phase is over?

So yeah this is probably not exactly a demi thing but just wanted to hear your experiences and thoughts

So, like I do every week, I've been wanting to get back into the dating pool (the problem is I'm too busy/too at my parent's house right now to either go out without judgement or even get on a dating app) so I've been reevaluating where I fall in on the asexual chart. I think of myself as gray/demi.

But as I lay in bed, thinking about romantic scenarios and more, I did get to thinking this: If I am demisexual, let's say, and I meet this person, either on an app or from my friend group, and I love them and the sexual attraction starts to seep in after a while and we get to talking about sex and BOOM, we are incompatible as sexual partners. How do you deal with that?

Now, the obvious answer is TELL THEM ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE INTO BEFORE YOU DO IT and like, absolutely we should. But my thing is that I absolutey don't like talking about sex as it pertains to me in person, at least not with someone I don't really know. I have to know people before I'm attracted to them. But I feel uncomfortable talking about that as it pertains to myself.

That's not to say I don't know what I like or anything like that. But I just find it super embarrassing to talk about it. Part of that is my childhood growing up in a sex-negative environment and still being kind of embarrassed about sex. That's also not to say that we couldn't have sex before that attraction sets in

So how do you deal with this? Am I just thinking too much about this? Should I just they-up and be more upfront about it sooner?

My first and relationship I was in, ended 8 years ago. I’ve been single ever since. 

It’s occurred to me that all things romantic and sexual feel really far out of my comfort zone. This is partly to do with demi/on the asexual spectrum, I realise. I feel sick and uncomfortable when I find out that someone likes me sexually or romantically. I also feel uncomfortable when anyone flirts with me. I feel an urge to put a hard, immediate stop to it and to get out of the situation. 

I’m honestly okay with the way I am - but it can be tricky in a world where such an emphasis is placed on romantic relationships, and being sexual. People seem to assume I’m upset about being single, and people sometimes suggest I try dating but again, it’s a no lol. The idea of using a dating app, or going to a “dating” event makes me feel sick. It’s just not for me. The only thing that feels comfortable to me is meeting organically and letting things happen as what feels natural to me - that’s what has happened every time I’ve had a crush on someone. 

This was mainly a vent haha. 

edit: also, it’s so tricky because sometimes I’ve agreed to hang out with a member of the opposite gender, thinking that we’re just hanging out as friends, or just ordinary people getting to know each other. Then it occurs to me that they “like” me and I feel nauseous and as though I’ve “led them on” and given them the wrong idea when in reality, I was just oblivious. But hey, that’s a post for another day lol

I've seen a few times that a fair amount of demis are also into kink. I'm curious if anyone has any thoughts on that overlap...

I’ve identified as aroace for many years already. I’m certain that I’m aromantic but I’ve recently been having second thoughts about my asexuality. I’m currently in a queerplatonic relationship with my partner who is also aroace and for the past few months I’ve noticed that I started to feel a bit differently towards him that it isn’t romantic attraction.

I’m not a very touchy person, I’m not a huge fan of any sort of physical contact, but when it’s with him it’s just different. Beyond hugging or platonic cuddling I’ve recently had urges or thoughts of wanting to be more physically intimate with him and it’s bothering me a lot to the point I regularly find myself wondering about it. We often do a lot of flirting over text that’s honestly just borderline sexting (without pictures), and recently I found it really hard to try to keep up because I just get flooded with all these urges that weren’t present before we became partners and I feel immensely guilty about potentially harbouring sexual attraction towards him.

Now I wonder if I’m demisexual because I’ve never felt this way towards anyone else except for him nor have I ever been as curious about sex as now. I most likely am, but I’m scared of admitting to having these kinds of feelings towards him because it might change our relationship. I don’t even know if I necessarily want to act on my feelings because of my crippling gender dysphoria.

Title is pretty self-explanatory but I'm a high-libido demi-sexual. My ex broke up with me about a month ago, and honestly, I'm doing pretty well on the emotional side of things. Things weren't great between us towards the end and I was expecting it. But it was the best sexual relationship I'd ever had and I can't stop fantasizing and replaying the sex we had in my mind. I feel as though it's keeping me from moving on from them.

Has anyone had the same thing happen to them and how did you deal with it?

is there anyone that develops one attraction faster than another? like someone develops romantic attraction faster than sexual or vice-versa, or it goes hand in hand for most of yall?

I was talking to a guy on a dating app and he was able to pick up on the fact that I was on the asexual spectrum due to my lack luster response on sex..plus I let him know about my traumatizing past. Still, he thought it was appropriate to send me a "land down under photo".

I don't know if some people think that I will magically be re-wired if I see a photo. I won't and it's aggravating to see them try.

A friend of mine asked me a question: once, three years ago, he was sexually attracted to a stranger at the train station for about half an hour, and once he left, he thought about it for 20 minutes, and then she disappeared, and he never felt attracted again until after he had formed a romantic bond. Is this something that can happen to a demi?

A bit of background, I've never been fond of dating apps, and I know I'm not alone here, but I do have accounts across several platforms that I engage in from time to time. Generally, I do not pay a cent. But based on some good reviews and a couple recommendations, I signed up on one I haven't heard of, OKCupid. I usually get maybe 1 or 2 matches every couple months, which is fine and makes sense given I don't engage often and I have based my profile on who I am and what I prefer instead pictures of myself trying to look sexy. I also have some challenges with my neurological disorder, which I am very clear about on my profiles. This, listing "Demisexual," and just the way I set up my profiles in general, really help to filter out the high-libido sexy idiots.

I am actually highly impressed with how extensively the profile system is set up. You can answer what looks like a technically unrestricted number of prompts, and the character limit on all of them is 5000. But what I most like is that you can answer hundreds of questions to filter out values and things you might have in common with other people on the app.

So onto the situation. Within the first day of installing OKCupid and setting up my profile to my satisfaction, I received more than 20 likes/views (I guess apparently it keeps track of the people that looked at your profile but didn't say no) and the number has only grown since. This is as opposed to maybe seeing a couple likes in a week and finding none are a good match a month later. With as little time I spend swiping, I've been wondering if paying for premium so I can view these people and potentially match would be at all worth it.

If anyone has any experience with the app and the community, any advice is appreciated. I don't want to waste my money if it turns out everyone on the app is just horny.