u/StellarCapybar4

I keep seeing people say things like “everyone is demisexual” or “that’s just normal,” usually meaning people prefer emotional connection before sex or don’t want to sleep with strangers, I guess?

I’m trying to understand what people mean when they say that.

Because for me, the difference doesn’t feel small at all, it feels like a completely different starting point and logic. Like, I feel like an alien sometimes.

Sometimes I even doubt myself and question demisexuality as a whole, it’s kinda tough.

I’ve spent a long time feeling confused about how sexualized everything seems, and it honestly started affecting how I saw myself and my relationship.

At one point, my partner and I were talking about marriage, and instead of feeling secure, I spiraled into this question: am I supposed to have had a “hoe phase” first? Like, is that something necessary before committing to a serious relationship? Am I weird or broken?

The thing is, I never wanted that. I loved him, I didn’t want anyone else, and the idea of hookups didn’t feel natural to me at all. But because it seems like such a common and even important experience for other people, I started wondering if something was wrong with me, and if I was committing too early or just didn’t get the chance to explore and get to know myself better.

Like, I should be sexually liberated, right? Could it be that I had just been repressed this whole time?

But that wasn’t the case, it wasn’t lack of opportunity, it’s just how I worked. I never wanted that in the first place! Not because of repression, but because I didn’t even feel the need or liked the idea.

I kept going back and forth between two extremes:

-Maybe I’m broken and need to fit into how everyone else experiences attraction and sex.

- Or maybe that whole pattern feels wrong because it IS wrong, and people are just misguided or shallow or going against their will to partake in it.

That confusion also made me judge my boyfriend’s past, which I’m not proud of. I couldn’t understand how sex could mean something casual in one context and be deeply meaningful in another. For me, even wanting sex is rare and heavily tied to emotional connection. It feels like an expression of a bond that already exists.

So in my head it became:

“If you could be casual with other people, then what we have isn’t that special to you.”

But that wasn’t actually fair, it was just me trying to interpret his experience through my own framework.

What I’ve started to realize is that it’s not inconsistency, it’s just difference.

For me, attraction isn’t something that slowly builds. It either clicks or it doesn’t, and that click only happens when there’s already a strong emotional connection. Because of that, sex feels like an expression of something that is already deep and meaningful to me.

When he asked if my connection to him in the relationship started lighter and then grew over time, I realized that’s not how I experience it at all. It didn’t start light for me, it already felt deep from the beginning, because that level of connection is the minimum requirement for me to even feel attraction in the first place. I wouldn’t be in a relationship otherwise.

For me, if that depth isn’t there, nothing starts. But if it is, it doesn’t build gradually, it just clicks into place.

So it’s less about something developing over time and more about recognition. Once I get to know the person and that threshold of emotional depth is met, the feeling is already there in its full form, and it’s tied specifically to who they are as a person.

For him (and for a lot of people, I think), it works differently. Attraction and connection can build over time, and they don’t necessarily need a deep emotional bond from the start. Sex can actually be part of creating that connection, not just expressing it.

To me, it’s not something that gradually builds, it either exists at a deep level or it doesn’t. If it does, it can deepen further, become more complex and richer, but it doesn’t start from something light. It’s like if people were jigsaws to me. If I can put together enough pieces to see a clear enough picture and I like it, connection and attraction become viable. I just keep adding the pieces over time and the picture becomes even more clear.

And that difference was really hard for me to understand. From my perspective, I was already at a deep level of connection, while he was still getting there. The idea that someone could enter a relationship or intimacy without already feeling that depth felt strange and almost impossible for me to grasp.

When I explained it to him he was like: “literally no one works that way” and I was like, BUT I DO lol

But I’m starting to see that it’s not a lack of depth, it’s just a different way of getting there.

Those are just two different systems.

And realizing that has been… weirdly freeing.

It doesn’t mean I’m broken. It just means I experience attraction and sexuality differently.

I’m curious if anyone else relates to this or has gone through something similar? And if that explanation of how it works even makes sense? I understand it can be very personal and it’s honestly kinda fascinating how complex, diverse and amazing the ways humans relate to ourselves and others can be!

I’m trying to understand what attraction is supposed to feel like, and I’m honestly a bit lost.

I’m in a relationship and I care deeply about my partner. I feel emotionally connected, I feel safe, and I want to be close to him. Sometimes I feel aroused, and when I do, I only feel comfortable directing that toward someone I have a deep bond with -> like him. But here’s where I get confused:

I don’t know if what I feel is actually sexual attraction to him, or if it’s more like I’m responding to the situation/stimulation and choosing him because of the emotional connection and trust.

It’s like: I can feel arousal, I can even want sex, I can even fantasize about having sex with him, but it doesn’t always feel tied to him specifically in a physical/visual way, it’s more to him as a whole and how I feel with him, our bond, regardless of how he looks? Is that attraction?

Instead, it feels more like I want to express closeness, intimacy, and connection through sex. Or I’m just aroused and want sex. And he’s the only person I’d want to do that with because of our bond, not necessarily because I feel a strong, clear physical pull toward him. I engage and feel the need for his touch usually as a response to stimuli (he even complains he doesn’t feel like he’s desired and that I don’t often initiate it, and I said I would try to work on it).

This makes me question, am I demisexual or just a sex favorable ace?

I’ve also noticed that outside of a deep connection, I don’t really feel drawn to people sexually at all. The idea of casual sex or attraction to strangers just doesn’t make sense to me. I can think someone is objectively attractive, but would never want to engage physically with them.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

How do you personally distinguish between being aroused in general, wanting intimacy and actually feeling sexual attraction to a specific person?

I’d really appreciate hearing how this feels for others, because I’m struggling to locate myself in all of this.