r/actual_detrans

I know who I am - I know that at heart, I want to be me with my name and pronouns, I am adam and I am a dude like I was meant to be, but I'm not.

I know there's a lot of strong trans people out there who successfully went on with their transition and they could muster the courage to keep going through with it but I just cant. I'm too spineless for it, I already have social anxiety and can barely talk to a store clerk without stuttering - how do I expect to go through with such a brave change? I'm 21, people say I look 14. This would be nice if I was like 40 and vibed as 20, but I'm 21 being vibed as a child, it sucks and I dont enjoy it, people don't take me seriously; they may take the 19 year old guy or girl seriously but not me, despite me being their senior.

I have not medically transitioned, only socially. I am out to my peers in uni and I have 2 supportive friends, but I think I'm giving up honestly. Romantic life for trans people sucks, when you live in non english speaking countries that have pronouns for everything - they/them pronouns dont even exist or arent understood, its hard to live, its hard to date, its hard to find a job, find someone who will actually take you seriously and love you. Nobody in my life takes me seriously, it makes me sad. Im being treated like a party prop because "im the trans guy". I dont want people to introduce me as "the trans guy" i just want to be introduced like any other guy, just as me.

Ive been out since 17 , but before that up until 17 I lived my life as a girl. Ill just go back to doing what I did all those 17 years. It hurts, and I know that I'll always be a guy at heart, but I can't do this. Im genuinely depressed because I feel like Im missing out on life.

My family isnt accepting - I dont want to have to lose my family once I go on Hrt, I want to have a family, I want a future where I have kids, where I have a loving partner. It's not impossible - but not for me, Im spineless.

I dont correct people when they misgender me because Im too scared.

I dont stand up for myself when I get fetishized or treated weird.

I feel like a mop, 24/7.

Being apart of the trans community is a delight, its a loving, homey feeling community, you understand one another and share a pain no one understands but you. I still consider myself to be apart of the community - and I will detransition, but not as a girl - as a nonbinary person, but I'll have to use my deadname and old pronouns again, because people wont get it, and only close peers will know Im nonbinary I guess. I'm still trans- just not really I guess because Im not transitioning anymore.

I am mtft?

I have been on e for almost 10 months with 100 mg spiro, my friends, therapist all I know are mollycoddling me. I know i am lying to myself, but everyday I just wake up and feel like I should keep going idk why, maybe I am too attached to it, maybe it's sunk fallacy, but throught the process i have just felt fake.

Any connection I have with feminity feels pathologized and mostly manifested with arousal, which I kinda see as either fetish going haywire or euphoria boners.

Like when I started seeing my changes I was excited and happy I was finally seeing things change, but in recent times i have been too scared and it has been a confusing place for me to be, it's like I don't wanna quit i just don't want but I am just too paralyzed to move forward, like i see my breasts and i am fine one moment and the other i am just feeling wtf am i doing I am still just some guy why do I have these, I just keep feeling everyone entertaining I am trans are just fooled by my persistence on hrt, but in the end idea of giving up feels like losing something i looked upto for so longs and makes me wanna cry, so I am confused what should I do...

Even If I try to accept and move on i just feel weird about it, everyone who is really trans just had a different experience, but i thought I will know by now, it's like I clearly have gotten idea how it will be but I am just too obsessed and don't wanna quit.

What do you guys think about this, i just want to get advice regarding this.

Am I the only one who notices how anything mentioning actual medical regret, surgical and sterilization regret, losing community when coming out about detransitioning, and any pushback on the sentiment that we don't deserve any place within the genderqueer community - I think we do - gets downvoted?? I'd assume its lurkers, perhaps transmedicalist lurkers. Sometimes it feels like the exact opposite issue from the other subreddit where you have so many lurkers who are right wing or homophobic or TERs ect it seems like there are detransphobic lurkers here at times and it makes me sad idk I just don't feel I belong anywhere and I hate feeling like I'm not allowed to say I WAS coerced into the medical aspects bc transmedicalism and medical / parental coercion. My OWN EXPERIENCES as a serial abuse and neglect survivor, part of which involved transitioning trauma, should not be weaponized, stigmatized, or demonized, I guess. It just is very frustrating, idk what to do with all of this and I hate feeling invalidated, it is extremely triggering

Pls help, I’m really going through it

my brain is trying to convince me i’ve always been in trans denial and it was a matter of time before i found out because i used to hang out with boys and i have boyish humour and i used to pretend to be a boy with my sister as a joke when we were like 6 and 8 what if all of that means something I just saw this video of a little boy playing Fortnite and i don’t know why but i got a little jealous of boyhood for a moment like if i, a girl play fortnite (which i do) most of the time we’re seen as pick mes or just less than boys. plus the female fortnite circles online get a lot of hate and in
my opinion i don’t like it very much either and i’m worried that makes me trans. It’s weird because i’ve never felt any discomfort with my gender until october last year. pfft not even discomfort. the thing is last year i had this fixation in squid game and the biggest character ship was In-ho and Gi-hun. i shipped them too. they got the most attention so my mind went boy x boy = funny and trendy. girl x girl = boring.
so i started picturing myself (as a woman) being the dominant one in a relationship so i could be cool like a boy. and one day i saw this video in october 2025 saying “i’m a girl but i wanna be in a mlm relationship.” i resonated with that. i checked the comments and the top one was “this is how i found out i was trans”.
i got scared so i went onto chatgpt and it gave me all these labels like demigirl although i didn’t feel like a boy i was also quite alternative so everyone in that community was sort of apart of the lgbtqia community too so i just thought ok that’s me. i didn’t feel masculine. i felt alt.
fast forward to november i had a dream i was wearing a suit and tie and that was because i was stressed about the trans thing. that’s what really set it off. now it’s march and it’s worse than ever. today i tested if i liked having a deep voice and i felt dizzy, wanted to cry and anxious. and now i just feel like i am one and it makes me so sad.

i was diagnosed recently and i can’t stop questioning the diagnosis. i’m not asking for any reassurance i just need to vent. and hear opinions.

i’m struggling with tocd and up until recently the thoughts have started to come with false emotions. i get butterflies a lot when i’m anxious and sometimes i get scared that the butterflies are actually me being drawn to the thought. so i just want to summaries my whole experience with this disorder.

so, when i was only 4 years old i had a very strong urge to touch all of the corners in the room. nothing would feel right if i didn’t.

when i was 10 i had to do everything 6 times, had to say “night, night” as my last words, and had to get to the door before the garage closed or i thought i’d die.

when i was 11, i started experiencing what i think was existential ocd. nothing felt real. i constantly asked my mum for reassurance that i’m real. i remember avoiding going out because i felt so dissociated. i was so scared of developing derealisation and depersonalisation and frequently checked in mirrors to see if i recognised myself, and i would also type out the word ‘derealisation’ on a keyboard on my ipad to see if the word came up. if it didn’t come up, i felt okay. but i literally couldn’t watch movies like the matrix because i was terrified.

now fast forward to when i was 12, i feared i was becoming a psychopath. i genuinely worried that i would grow up to be a murderer. i would have frequent intrusive images that would cause distress. i also had pocd around this age. for pocd in particular, i saved many tiktok videos to reassure myself that i wasnt becoming a pedofile. omg i also always thought i had posted something onto social media and always had to check that i did.

now i’m almost 14. yeah, i’m young. but my current theme tocd is really not questioning. i’m going to summarise my experience with it a little bit here.

i use envy men a lot. like i always thought they got more attention, more power and people swooned over them more than women.

i was introduced to a popular fandom at the start of 2025 which i literally loved. the main ship were two straight men. i shipped them. i admired the dynamic.

their ship got the most attention in the show. i of course blamed that on gender.

i got very jealous of the attention and wanted to be in a relationship like that. like i would try and act like one of the characters (i didn’t try to look like him i just wanted to be like him because he seemed cool) and imagined myself being with a boy (me as a girl though) and basically ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship because the more dominant man in a mlm or even the most dominant person in a straight ship always seem like the coolest. i still imagined myself as a woman like i didn’t want to be in a gay relationship, i wanted to be in a straight relationship.

but in October last year i saw a video that resonated with me. it said “i want to be in a mlm relationship as a woman” and the top comment was “this is how i found out i was trans btw” and that dont scare me. but then i got curious. i didn’t feel like a boy and i still don’t now.

so i went onto chat gpt… yeah i know. not the best. but i told it about what i was going through and it said all these different labels which i didnt understand. demigirl however, resonated with me. at least i thought it did. i few weeks later it kinda just wore off. but i started to get involved with political matters and yada yada i was an alt girl. i was very accepting of the lgbtqia community. i wanted a future in human rights or politics. i think i kind of tried to push labels onto myself as the alt community is very diverse.

so i just left that aesthetic because again, it wore off. but in november i had a dream of me wearing a suit and tie. it freaked me tf out. like i was asking chatgpt why i had that dream. this is where my tocd started. (i have a history with ocd).

i basically got really scared and started compulsively checking my memories, my feelings and i had so many uncomfortable intrusive thoughts of me as a boy. god it’s scary. this ocd subtype ruined my holiday, my christmas and more. all of the things i wrote here are extremely hazy as ocd kind of gives me false memories.

so, yeah. i don’t feel like a guy. never have. i literally had pinterest boards of feminine clothing i wanted to wear when i was a mum/older. all i ever wanted was to be a beautiful, feminine woman. i forgot to mention that the other night i did my makeup and felt so happy. i was happy with what i looked like and for a moment, i felt absolute certainty in my gender. but then the doubt came back in. i’m so worried because it feels like i like the thoughts sometimes, especially when the anxiety fades for a second, an intrusive thought comes up like “but it would be cool and unique to be a boy” and then i panic because why did i have a split second of false desire?
I’ve noticed that my brain often gets intensely interested in new ideas, objects, or changes, even if they don’t match what I’ve always wanted. For example, when I loved Barbies, I wanted more and more of them, and that intense interest eventually faded. The same pattern has been showing up with pronouns — when I was reading someone’s pronoun list, my brain latched onto “he/him” because of the way it sounds. I really like the soft “i” in “him” and “his,” and I even thought “she/him” sounded cool because of how it flows. This reaction seems similar to how I enjoy lists, collecting things, and exploring possibilities — my mind gets excited by novelty and options, but the excitement doesn’t necessarily reflect a desire to change my identity.

At the same time, I recognize that “he/him” is masculine, and imagining myself being referred to that way feels forced and uncomfortable. My real-life instinct is clear: being called “he/him” is not me, and I don’t want to present masculine. I realized that liking the sound of something doesn’t mean I want it to apply to me. I’ve also noticed some anxiety when wearing feminine clothing that I previously enjoyed, which seems connected to my brain’s hyper-awareness and over-analysis around gender-related things. This doesn’t mean my preferences have changed — it’s just that anxiety and overthinking are blocking the natural comfort and enjoyment I used to feel. Overall, my experiences fit the pattern of TOCD: my brain gets caught up in analyzing and questioning identity-related ideas, often creating temporary spikes of interest or concern, even though my core feelings about myself remain consistent. and when My bully joined my class at school and it got horrible. I have now started online school and since I’m at home all day I have nothing to do apart from work and worry. I also had my period the other day and that made the anxiety so much worse.

And I’ve had physical symptoms. It feels like I’m developing gender dysphoria. Like I’m uncomfortable with my breasts and I fixate on whether I like having a curvy body. I’m so exhausted. Do you still think this is OCD?

i remember looking at old pictures of myself and i felt so happy. like, yes, this is me and i don’t want to change her. i could nevr forgive myself for it. but i just cannot stop crying. i’ve started emdr therapy and it made me feel like i want the thoughts even more.

i’m super affected by misogyny and everything. and why am i bringing up past memories that meant nothing at the time like when i dressed up as mr wolf with a suit and tie and everyone liked my outfit and when i played with boy barbies and when i played with boys as a kid and i have boy humour.

but when i pictured myself as a boy (compulsively) i almost felt a spark of desire or excitement that i have NEVER WANTED. i think it’s because of the way i’ve always admired popular boys at school despite them bullying me so badly. i just wonder how it would feel to be one for a day. but if i was asked to press a button to change my gender since birth like be a cis boy i’d say no! i like my life as a girl and i always have. i don’t want my relationship dynamics to change, i like having girl best friends as a girl because i think girlhood is so valuable.

i’m a girl. i’ve always been one. i’ve loved traditionally feminine things for as long as i can remember. i’ve never felt any discomfort with puberty until last month.

now this all started in october 2025. to keep this short, in january 2025 i got into this fandom and loved the male x male ship. i longed to have a dynamic like that. i noticed the nore dominant one got more attention so i started picturing myself as a woman but the more cool or dominant one in a relationship with a man. but in october, i saw this video that i resonated with. it said,

“i want to be in a male x male relationship”

the top comment said, “that’s how i found out i was trans btw” and other things like “first step denial second step daniel”. i guess i got anxious. i googled labels after labels and settled with demigirl although before this i didn’t even think about my gender. since i thought yeah i guess i want to be a cool dominant woman that this is me. i also liked the \\\\\\\*sound\\\\\\\* of she/they.

so in november i had this dream that i was wearing a suit and tie. mind you, through all of this i was identifying as bisexual and had an interest in billie eilish. billie isn’t a typical feminine presenting woman and i wanted to be her. i thought she was so cool. so i adapted to that label of being bi because i thought it was cool as well. may have something to do with my adhd. i realised later that i just think some girls are pretty but nearly %100 attracted to men. this is reverent because billie eilish would wear suits but i misinterpreted this dream as something to do with my gender. i started researching.

ever since then i’ve been in distress and sadness because i feel like i’ve fully lost myself to this obsession. but it also feels like i like the thoughts somehow. but why does it feel like i like the thoughts now. it feels so real. i used to search up tocd symptoms vs gender dysphoria and i completely matched up with tocd. that was in december. now it feels like I somehow like the thoughts. This is frustrating me so much because it just isn’t fair, my girlhood has been stripped away from me and there is no return. I can’t even remember the last time I haven’t been crying about this. I have shown absolutely no signs nor have I had gender dysphoria ever.

I (FTMTF) am planning on detransitioning, but I'm scared. I want to live and pass as a woman, but I don't know how possible that is, and I'm questioning if detransitioning will give me what I want.

I've had top surgery and have a deep voice, and pass as male 100% of the time. I hated the androgyny phase when I first transitioned, and I'm terrified of going through it again, knowing that it might be for the rest of my life.

I'm scared that even if I voice train and have chest reconstruction (planning on both), I'm not going to pass as a woman, or even feel like one. And even if I am, people will get to know me and then think, "that's someone who's stupid and makes big mistakes".

Every time I think about my dating pool, I want to cry. I've not really dated. I've had crushes on a few people that I could have dated if I'd never transitioned, and knowing that kills me. I worry that detransitioning and getting the same result will make me just fixate more on the effects of my past choices, and conclude I've fucked up my very tiny chances of having any meaningful romantic experiences.

Transitioning saved my life, but it was the wrong choice for me long term. It shrunk my world in so many ways. I'm lucky I live in a big city and my friends are supportive. And (apart from dating) it's mostly been okay because I pass. I worry my world will shrink more if I detransition, and become visibly trans again. And even if I end up passing, I don't know if detransitioning will make me feel more like a woman, or feel further away from it.

Okay so for context, I’m moving back in with my parents from college. Thing is, as much as they’re decent human beings who I love dearly, they are insanely transphobic and so I’m going to have to live a double life of sorts. I guess partially due to these circumstances and partially just thinking on my own, I’ve been questioning if I am actually a trans woman or not just as a double check, because a double life is a giant fucking risk. For years before this I flip flopped from cis man who dug androgyny to nonbinary for years but tried not to think about the potential of being a trans woman because a family member once said they’d kill themself if I ever became trans, but on August 27 2024, the Pandora’s box opened, So none of this is completely new. I’m posting this to both r/MTF and r/actual_detrans so that I can get opinions from people in my shoes who both went through with being a trans woman and people in my shoes who ended up realizing that that’s not who they are while also not becoming TERFs after. This is mainly in list format do if you want me to elaborate about any of these than lmk.

REASONS I THINK IM STILL TRANS:

•the concept of being a girl and doing normal everyday things makes me happier than as a boy

•I like girl society/sisterhood WAY better. Just in general being one of the girls resonates with me as long as said girls are the kind of people I’d want to be friends with

•Being perceived as a girl makes more sense to me than as a guy

•Not a fan of my body hair

•neutral on my voice as it’s already naturally androgynous

•I like the idea of aging as a woman more than I like the idea of aging as a man

•I am heavily considering getting on E in a few years

•I generally want to be one most of the time

•Neutral leaning positive or negative depending on the day about getting tits as long as they don’t uh- get in the way

•I would switch around a lot as a kid from stereotypically masculine interests to feminine interests

•I feel an immediate and automatic sense of sisterhood and understanding with other trans woman and even did before my egg cracked. There was this one friend who was a trans woman that I had pre-egg crack who I was like- super doting towards and I realized later on that it was because she was basically my ideal self in girl form

•I have significant social dysphoria to the point where getting called my deadname feels like getting pinched really hard

•I wouldn’t have gone this far into wanting to be trans with the context of being under a DEEPLY transphobic family who I still really love if it were just some little phase or some online subcultural thing. My therapist has expressed the same sentiment to me when I discuss my questioning to hom

REASONS I QUESTION:

•I miss the uniqueness and swag of being an androgynous man, Prince and Bowie were who I looked up to most for awhile. Jojo or 2000’s fighting game character is still the ideal. I do that in butch form with some of my outfits but it’s not the same

•I’m TERRIFIED of losing strength. I used to be a gymbro that would deadlift 440lbs. Now I’m bad to being noodle armed but I want to be super strong again eventually, but I know Estrogen saps a lot of strength out of you (shredded this time instead of buff but still)

•Even if the brotherhood part of masculinity doesn’t work for me, the sense of being a badass and a protector and self sufficient and imposing does, there’s also something about the idea of being a progressive twink and out-manning manly men that I really like, even if it never happens. Again- I’m aware I can be a masculine girl and that is how I currently see myself but still

•Don’t want to lose dick function (I generally don’t want bottom surgery also)

•My first sexual encounters were distinctly gay/homoerotic in an unintentional way that would only make sense with a penis and that frames my sexuality even as a girl (I feel better as a guy during sex half the time). I wish I were more sexually girl like and feel WAY more confident when picturing myself as one in dominant roles (sub roles it’s the opposite) and also while flirting as a woman but I do also like the feelings my current equipment gives me. Also the difficulty of flirting as a man makes the actual sex more of a turnon too because I feel less worthy

•This is the biggest and most confusing one. It could be either dysphoria or me wanting to go back/ As much as I feel happier and lighter when thinking of myself as a woman I feel less grounded? Any emotion that isn’t happiness, whether it’s feelings to unpack, memories to access, or just sitting and vibing, I access/feel more easily when seeing myself as a man. Is this and the sex thing something estrogen will deal with? Idk. The best of both worlds would be synching the ability I have to feel the non-explicitly happy emotions as a man with the feeling and hormones of being a woman

•My egg cracked a few months after a really shitty life event that made me feel like I was at a dead end

• I did lean into a lot of “chronically online transfemme” stereotypes as a means of exploring the idea of being a trans woman without having to come out or anything, would make wink wink nudge nudge very obvious jokes and comments along these lines, kinda wished I was one before my egg cracked though idk if it was a means of me using a middle zone that felt safe before fully exploring things or if it was just me doing a bit.

•Most of my dysphoria is social and biochemical/hormonal

i transitioned young from female to male & i'm just now coming to terms with being either nonbinary or a cis woman (scary for me to admit, lol). however, i am still very much queer and gender nonconforming in one way or another.

i've lived as a trans guy from age 14 to nearly 21. i know what it's like to go through the legal and physical transition progress. i've been harassed and i've had to learn to stand up for myself. i have panic attacks trying to find a restroom to use in public.. you know. typical fun stuff. :,)

i am nowhere near transphobic, and i *never* will be. even if i realize that i am, indeed, a cis woman.

i can't mention anything about my experiences online other than very specifically this subreddit bc of a few main reasons..

- the general lgbt community thinks we're all transphobic.

- so, so many other detrans communities are actually terfy and im not about that at all. it gives detransitioners such a bad name, and it makes me mad.

- the average cis person either feels pity for me, laughs at me, or tries to use me as an "example" to be transphobic. not all ofc, but so many people do this.

i have zero support irl other than my wonderful girlfriend. I feel so isolated.

LOOOONG ranty rambly post ahead. Just a fair warning.

Hey. This is not the first time I have posted on this subreddit. I am 21, FtMtI dont fucking know. I have been questioning my transition and my gender since July of 2025. I am currently still on T (3+ years) and have had top surgery.

I am going to begin by explaining my backstory. I started social transition when I was like, 14. it was purely online at the time. It was like 2019 or something and before covid. i experimented on and off with my gender in the following years, and eventually landed on the conclusion that I was agender but leaned masculine/male. It was at that point that I came out to my doctor and then to my mom at around 16. Starting transition was one of the most mentally exhausting things I have ever done because it felt like I had to put myself through humiliation ritual after humiliation ritual to get people to accept me. I still remember the mortification I felt every time I was referred to by my deadname and called she in high school when I was still closeted. I always felt like I had extreme social dysphoria but I never had that much physical dysphoria- I even remember trying to force myself to cry at the fact that I had breasts. In all reality I was pretty neutral about my body besides my weight and my face.

I started the path to medical transition when I was 17, and only got on hormones once I turned 18. I wanted masculinization and to be read as a guy in public, and by all means I have pretty much reached my goal. The therapy process was so fucking awkward, I don't even think I should go into all of the details about it but I remember trying to explain my identity terminology to my therapist and feeling super embarrassed. I never had dysphoria before teenagehood either, which I know is probably something that could be used against me as evidence that I was never really trans to begin with. I have scraped through every memory I can possibly find related to my experience with gender and have found many pieces of evidence that prove I am not "truly trans" in the way that many trans people are. This probably sounds fucking ridiculous but this is the way that my mind works and I will try my best to explain further.

I was never able to really relate to the whole trans experience at all. As a child I recall not really caring about my gender at all and being fine with calling myself a girl. I found much greater frustration in being seen as a weak, sheepish or small person. I enjoyed feminine things just fine but I also liked "masculine things" like video games and shonen anime and yearned to be friends with boys because they shared my interests more than girls did. Blah blah blah. The first time I remember having a weird gender-related moment was when I realized that I kind of liked it when people were unsure of my gender, despite going on to correct them later about it. Feminine puberty sucks but I mostly removed myself from any aspect of it. I was very much an outcast when it comes to the pains of growing up as a girl even though I also remember expressing excitement at getting my period. Who cares kid. Honestly now that I think about it I think I was just excited to become more grown up because a period was a sign of becoming an adult, and not excited at the prospect of becoming a woman. These are just some moments I would consider as "evidence" that I was not a dysphoric child (not "truly trans") or adolescent as most of these things happened pre-puberty.

Anyway, I was not super amped to start hormones when I did. It did not feel like this huge transitional change, more like an "alright, I'm on this now." Maybe I am just so used to this sensationalized view of transitioning but my transition has felt mostly neutral with bits of excitement and a lot of frustration sprinkled in. I was very excited to grow facial hair and it took 3 years for it to really start happening which was a source of EXTREME frustration for me early transition. I had little joys where I saw my first facial hairs coming in and gradually becoming more hairy (i was very much not hairy pre-T) and my voice drop progress was also frustrating. Most of everything about my transition was frustrating as fuck and humiliating.

Getting top surgery in 2024 was supposed to be the big "I finally feel comfortable in my body" moment that I never had, but coming out of it I still feel the same way. Neutral. I don't feel overwhelming soul fulfilling joy at having no breasts. I don't cry over the fact that I removed a part of my body that I *technically* can never get back. I just. don't really care that much??? But then there are moments now where I get this overwhelming ache in my chest that I have only been able to identify as regret. I wish there was something there but it just doesn't make any sense to me. I am, objectively, still very content with my body, even more so due to the fact that I have lost significant amounts of weight since transitioning.

Ever since july though I have felt so fucking miserable. I dropped out of college after a horrible breakup that was partially spurred on by my gender questioning. (If you look through my account you'll probably be able to find my posts about it, I have an anxiety disorder so I was obsessed with my gender and thought about it 24/7 essentially before getting medicated.) I don't feel like I'm at home in my body in any sense of the word. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't know what to think at all. I feel disconnected from myself and like I am being puppetted by something else entirely. To tell the truth I have no fucking clue what would make me happy, what gender I am or whatever I was "meant to be", I can only speculate. I have ended up feeling disgusted by masculinity because of these feelings and it hurts because I used to love it so much. I am just so utterly fucking confused. I have no idea if my disconnection from my body is due to depression or due to dysphoria, or whatever, I don't know if being feminine will make me feel more "at home" in my body (in fact I have tried experimenting with presentation alone in my room more times than I can count, I have tried to dress myself in a way that I look just like a girl and I end up feeling either ugly, disgusting or horny, which ends up making me feel disgusting anyway. Jesus fucking christ that is embarrassing to admit but whatever, it's true. I don't feel happy, or euphoric, or whatever bullshit I am supposed to feel.) or whatever. I don't have a concrete answer. I don't want to connect with my divine feminine and return to cis womanhood. It seems like a miserable existence to me.

I know realistically I am probably just non-binary and agender and don't care for gender norms or binary gender at all, but there is just. This fucking part of me that cannot let go of it. Wherever I go I will be assumed to be xyz, if I appear feminine or like a woman I will be treated like a woman. The trans community (from my perspective) is more binary than I remember it being when I was a teenager, and it scares the fuck out of me and i am increasingly being put off from interacting with it.

I just feel fucking insane for not having figured it out yet after almost a year of constant mental assault from my brain about my stupid fucking gender. And I feel like I can never explain it in a way that anybody understands either, I have talked to my therapist a little bit about this stuff but it's been tough and I have other issues besides gender anyway. it just keeps on popping back up when I think it's finally fucking gone. I have tried to ignore it but i just end up more dissociated and feeling more unreal the longer i go on living as whatever i am. It could be depression and a general lack of direction in my life at all, no job no whatever making me feel this way too, and I only have more time to ruminate on this bullshit than anyone should ever have. I don't fucking know.

I keep thinking I should just try detransitioning and see if I start to feel more like myself again. I want to try lowering my T dose as I remember feeling most emotionally content when I was on low-dose, or maybe stopping altogether but honestly I'm too scared to. I admire the presentation of androgynous people and trans women and a part of me wishes to look like them but I feel like I am being offensive for wanting to look that way. If I had to come out to my mom again too it would be an entirely new humiliation ritual, because I had to try so fucking hard to convince her to accept me it's like backing off now would be an extreme blow to my ego, as well as her perception of me. I already came out to a few friends yesterday as an experiment (using she/they pronouns and a new name, still masculine but different from my old one) but it's already been awkward. My experience with she/her pronouns also varies, sometimes it feels like a blow to the chest and other times it feels pretty pleasant. And then there's the fact that I changed my legal name and sex less than a year ago. I'm stuck in this stupid limbo feeling miserable and not knowing how to change it or if I'd even be confident enough to change it.

I don't know if my logic makes enough sense but basically if I feel like shit as a "transitioned man" (despite never transitioning with the goal of being a binary man/male?? Idk man it's confusing even to me how I got on that path), don't relate to most if any other trans men when it comes to their experiences with gender euphoria and dysphoria, I feel abstractly dysphoric and disconnected from myself when I look in the mirror, never really experienced euphoria (at least I think) from transitioning, then maybe I was wrong. Even though I feel like I am betraying myself for thinking this way. I used to be obsessed with passing and believed i would never pass and i could never see "him" in the mirror, whoever "he" was. I wish I could just press a button that could make me understand who I am and what I want to be but at the same time I'd be terrified to press it because what if I don't like what I see and what if I change my mind.

Sorry for all the nonsense but fuck it's just so frustrating. My issues probably also run deeper than just whatever gender i feel comfortable as but this is how it's manifesting so yeah. Hope this post makes sense, im open to advice or words of wisdom or whatever.

I'm kinda new to therapy. I've been ruminating on this for so long that I don't even know where to begin.

I don't think I'm fully detrans but I'm not sure if medical transition was a good decision. It didn't make me happy and now I have more insecurities than before. I don't wanna be a man and I've never desired to be a man, that's kind of just the path I got pushed down. I think I had a lot of other issues that deserved to be focused on before making permanent decisions about my body as a child.

Everything I could possibly say has already been said by transphobe and terfs, and I'm terrified of sounding like them. That last line I wrote is almost word-for-word what conservatives say. Not to mention that once I say this outloud, I can't take it back.

I feel really ashamed about myself, like I should just suck it up and live with the stupid decisions I've made. But my brain is screaming for help, and I don't know how to ask for help. My brain is so sjfjdkgjdldhsjhdksbfffff

How did you guys bring this up to your therapist? How did you push yourself to actually speak about it in the first place? How did you find the words to speak about it?

...like, from the outside it seems like I had a "successful" transition. I didn't experience any real prejudice, I had no "complications" with bottom surgery (except for the small part where my penis and testicles are now completely gone), both my FFS procedures went swimmingly, and I pass as cis despite being generally pretty masculine in my presentation.

But like... I'm not a woman though. It was easy when I was a teen during COVID running away from CSA trauma to convince myself I was a woman and that's why I was feeling all of this shame and discomfort. Oh, I was also addicted to drugs, fun fun.

Once I turned 18, nobody at any point tried to stop me or slow me down. I had convinced everyone around me that this was 100% what was right for me, and who was the affirmation-only healthcare model to disagree with me? I can't say my transition was entirely wrong. I love my face now more than I ever did before and I much prefer my reduced body hair and no facial hair. Fat distribution is kinda fun but I am 50/50 on boobs depending on the day (or the hour). And as much as I hated my penis, whatever this is isn't any better.

The reality is that because I am autistic and prone to binary thinking, and I am having trouble coming to terms with how I fit in in the world. When I try to view gender as something innate, I am no longer comfortable identifying with womanhood. But it also makes me deeply uncomfortable to think about going back on testosterone, growing hair everywhere, and masculinizing my very androgynous face and voice. And if I try to view gender as related to biological sex characteristics, then I don't really work out as either either.

If there's anything I feel like, I feel like a dude but in the "I call everyone a dude" way. So now I'm stuck between being really uncomfortable pretending I am a woman and being equally uncomfortable being a man. I also don't feel comfortable "hiding" anything from anyone, but that's going to be my reality no matter what now.

If I had never gotten bottom surgery I would honestly just detransition. It would suck but I could see myself adjusting. But of course I did get that so I have to somehow accept that I am male, voluntarily removed my penis and gonads, have lived 6 years of my life (including my entire adulthood) as a woman, a cis-passing one at that, feel more like a man than a woman but not really like either, and then figure out what I'm going to do going forward based on that information.

I'm scared of having to live the rest of my life in this limbo. I am scared that if I continue presenting as a woman, the dissonance will just get worse and worse until I snap. I'm also scared that if I detransition I might have more in common with trans men than cis men, and have the same problem. I’m scared of continuing to feel like an intruder in female spaces, but also feeling unsafe in male spaces. I am scared that I will lose my place in the world because I don’t fit into the “happy transitioner” or “bitter detransitioner” group. I wish I had never gone on this journey, but I also know that I would likely never have made it to adulthood if I hadn’t. I feel an immense grief without any understanding of what it is I am grieving. I just want to live goddammit but I don’t know how.

tl;dr I was failed by gender "affirming" care and I definitely need to commit to finding a therapist who is actually willing to challenge my self-perception and identity, but that in itself is a process and I am really struggling right now to keep it together.

Does anyone relate to any of this or have any advice? Or any stories from others to share that I might not have seen before.

I started HRT in 2015. I've been living full time as a woman since...2018? I don't remember.

I don't pass. I can't use public restrooms anymore. I've had my workplace threatened by a patron because I'm trans. I DEEPLY miss being a nondescript American white guy because absolutely no one cared about me and it was wonderful. I could just go places and do things and not worry about who is around me, how I'm going to be perceived, or where I can use the bathroom. I've literally peed myself instead of using a public restroom because they scare me so much now.

I think I'd rather live the rest of my life as a gender nonconforming man than as a trans woman.

EDIT: And before I hear "try moving to a blue state" one more time...I AM in a blue state. The bluest part of that blue state. My Congresswoman is trans.

How do I detransition without feeling like a failure or a freak? Am I letting the trans community down? I'm co-chair of an LGBTQ group and I'd be afraid of them turning on me if I detransitioned.

EDIT 2: I also hate living my life as a medical exception. It was so tremendously embarrassing when I had to have a cystoscopy to see if the blood in my urine was possibly related to bladder cancer. Here I am, an alleged "woman", with a cystoscope inserted in "her" penis. 

So I'm really confused I've seen those "seahorse dads" successfully getting pregnant after stopping testosterone, but on the other hand I've heard a lot of detransitioners ftmtf say that testosterone has failed their body and they're sad about the fact that it's so difficult for them now to give birth

So there's a possibility here which my instincts tells me it's right, those so called "seahorse dads" go on a low dosage of testosterone or for a short period of time

I'm not a detransitioners, but i thought this is the best place to ask to have genuine answers, I've tried to search on Google and all it says is that after 6 months to a year of stopping testosterone you can get pregnant

But I'm very sure that fertility doesn't return to be the same as before testosterone, isn't it?

I would like to hear people's experience here

I am 6 weeks post op and change today <3.

I've been on HRT for almost 4 years. In a vacuum, I like what it has done for me. However, I do not pass the majority of the time and I assume it will always be that way at this point. I have broad shoulders ("damn wide" as my mother said) and an ugly masculine facial structure.

It makes my skin crawl to be called a man, but I'm wondering if I could recondition myself to fit in again because I'm sick of being the weird tranny everyone stares at. Is it possible to make myself stop being trans? I am a little concerned I may end myself if I detransition, but maybe that is for the best.

hi. I'm reading posts here and I see that detransition is mostly started by people who started ftm transition, mtf - very few of those start detransition. Why are these statistics, or am I mistaken?

Spoilered for selfie. It has been over a year since i decided to detrans and I am very happy with my choice! I am insecure about my chest but I got prescribed medical grade breast form prosthetics and get them in a couple weeks, so I am excited for that!! I just want my hair to grow out faster it is in that ugly embarassing phase right now sadly

https://preview.redd.it/3sdclw1bdvxg1.jpg?width=1157&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=59c49691cee83214f8a5af06ae72f84ad180f856

Just an update on my detransition journey. I (29, FTMTF/FTMT?) came to the realisation that transitioning may have not been the right life choice and that I might want to de-transition, about a month and a half ago.

That month and a half was probably the toughest (so far) of my adult life. I’d started processing things in my life that I’d never processed, now I finally had the language and emotional scaffolding to actually feel all those feelings that I was completely numb to for so many years of my life. It honestly felt like how in movies when the protagonist who has amnesia finally experiences something that makes them get their memories back. Except since I still remembered them it was more like my (emotionally) black and white memories were finally in (emotional) colour.

I think I’m probably through the hardest patch. I say this because my brain is finally thinking about what moving forward might look like as opposed to ruminating about what could’ve been. I know my life is harder in many ways now, but I think I’m finally starting to experience some optimism and hope for being on a more suitable path for me. This Thursday would’ve been my due date for my T-shot (I won’t be taking it). I’m enjoying seeing my hair grow out, and I’m already getting better at practising speaking with a more feminine voice.

However, the more I think about my experiences now… I really did think of my plan as a detransition, but I don’t know if that’s completely accurate. I think I’m probably some flavour of non-binary (but I really struggle accepting it about myself). After all, I did spend pretty much a decade of my life as a man, and it was alright, maybe even good. I do feel a specific type of kinship and “brotherhoodness” towards men, that I think I maybe mistook as solely romantic love (though I do feel that towards them too). To put it poetically, I think part of my transition was always about feeling like I could be a horse and run with the horses (lol).

As I’ve slowly grown in the last few weeks of into experiencing myself within the context of womanhood, I started revisiting voguing (the dance), as a way to connect myself to female/feminine sexuality. It almost shocked me how much I felt so embodied doing it. I previously tried voguing, maybe five or six years ago, and I was pretty uncomfortable with any type of overt feminine sexual expression. It’s only really in the last year or so that it’s really changed for me, and that was really gradual.

I guess my connection to womanhood now is just completely different to what it was before I transitioned, and so much of it was informed by my experiences as a queer man. Like… maybe it took me being a man to be a woman? Honestly, this tracks as I am someone who has always been a bit “grass is greener on the other side”*, but also, reading accounts on this sub, seems a pretty common experience that HRT does seem to cure gender dysphoria, until a point where it starts giving gender dysphoria in reverse.

Anyway, I guess I’m wondering if any other detransitioners or re-transitioners have felt this massively increased love and appreciation of their birth sex when they realise they wanted to de/retransition, but also feel slightly like they’re not exactly going back to the same gender. Feels like experiencing the equivalent of starting “new game plus” for woman as gender. And also, if people have experienced this along with “reverse gender dysphoria”.

*Trying not to make this mistake this time though and do de/retransition very slowly and not idealise the outcomes, and trying to be okay with potentially being non binary. Again, I think I have glaringly huge signs that I might be non-binary. I think it’s just hard to believe about myself, even though I find it easy to believe for other people.

Hey all!

My (23F) girlfriend (22F) is a detransitioner, and she has been having a terrible time trying to find support.

She's been to multiple gender therapists who spend entire sessions ranting about how people like her make life harder for trans people. And I think it's obvious how that doesn't help her -- she's not a TERF and she's not against trans people, she just needs to work through her own medical trauma (she medically transitioned as a child after years of religious and sexual abuse, which she disclosed to multiple medical providers who ignored her). She is so exhausted from having to make disclaimers about her political views every time she talks about her experiences.

But the alternative seems worse; all of the groups and resources directed at detransitioners are funded by Genspect and other right-wing groups that carry implicit messaging that people like her are "damaged". There is also a clear incentive within these groups to use the information provided by detransitioners as a weapon, and she doesn't want any part of that. We are both feeling so stuck. She needs help that nobody seems to be able to provide and I am heartbroken that people on both sides treat her as a cautionary tale instead of a human being.

All that being said, does anyone have any recommendations for a support group/therapist who is a) supportive of trans people and b) able to discuss the reality of detransition without minimizing my girlfriend's feelings about it?