u/CreamFur

I know who I am - I know that at heart, I want to be me with my name and pronouns, I am adam and I am a dude like I was meant to be, but I'm not.

I know there's a lot of strong trans people out there who successfully went on with their transition and they could muster the courage to keep going through with it but I just cant. I'm too spineless for it, I already have social anxiety and can barely talk to a store clerk without stuttering - how do I expect to go through with such a brave change? I'm 21, people say I look 14. This would be nice if I was like 40 and vibed as 20, but I'm 21 being vibed as a child, it sucks and I dont enjoy it, people don't take me seriously; they may take the 19 year old guy or girl seriously but not me, despite me being their senior.

I have not medically transitioned, only socially. I am out to my peers in uni and I have 2 supportive friends, but I think I'm giving up honestly. Romantic life for trans people sucks, when you live in non english speaking countries that have pronouns for everything - they/them pronouns dont even exist or arent understood, its hard to live, its hard to date, its hard to find a job, find someone who will actually take you seriously and love you. Nobody in my life takes me seriously, it makes me sad. Im being treated like a party prop because "im the trans guy". I dont want people to introduce me as "the trans guy" i just want to be introduced like any other guy, just as me.

Ive been out since 17 , but before that up until 17 I lived my life as a girl. Ill just go back to doing what I did all those 17 years. It hurts, and I know that I'll always be a guy at heart, but I can't do this. Im genuinely depressed because I feel like Im missing out on life.

My family isnt accepting - I dont want to have to lose my family once I go on Hrt, I want to have a family, I want a future where I have kids, where I have a loving partner. It's not impossible - but not for me, Im spineless.

I dont correct people when they misgender me because Im too scared.

I dont stand up for myself when I get fetishized or treated weird.

I feel like a mop, 24/7.

Being apart of the trans community is a delight, its a loving, homey feeling community, you understand one another and share a pain no one understands but you. I still consider myself to be apart of the community - and I will detransition, but not as a girl - as a nonbinary person, but I'll have to use my deadname and old pronouns again, because people wont get it, and only close peers will know Im nonbinary I guess. I'm still trans- just not really I guess because Im not transitioning anymore.