had SRS a few years ago at 20 and it's been a trip...
...like, from the outside it seems like I had a "successful" transition. I didn't experience any real prejudice, I had no "complications" with bottom surgery (except for the small part where my penis and testicles are now completely gone), both my FFS procedures went swimmingly, and I pass as cis despite being generally pretty masculine in my presentation.
But like... I'm not a woman though. It was easy when I was a teen during COVID running away from CSA trauma to convince myself I was a woman and that's why I was feeling all of this shame and discomfort. Oh, I was also addicted to drugs, fun fun.
Once I turned 18, nobody at any point tried to stop me or slow me down. I had convinced everyone around me that this was 100% what was right for me, and who was the affirmation-only healthcare model to disagree with me? I can't say my transition was entirely wrong. I love my face now more than I ever did before and I much prefer my reduced body hair and no facial hair. Fat distribution is kinda fun but I am 50/50 on boobs depending on the day (or the hour). And as much as I hated my penis, whatever this is isn't any better.
The reality is that because I am autistic and prone to binary thinking, and I am having trouble coming to terms with how I fit in in the world. When I try to view gender as something innate, I am no longer comfortable identifying with womanhood. But it also makes me deeply uncomfortable to think about going back on testosterone, growing hair everywhere, and masculinizing my very androgynous face and voice. And if I try to view gender as related to biological sex characteristics, then I don't really work out as either either.
If there's anything I feel like, I feel like a dude but in the "I call everyone a dude" way. So now I'm stuck between being really uncomfortable pretending I am a woman and being equally uncomfortable being a man. I also don't feel comfortable "hiding" anything from anyone, but that's going to be my reality no matter what now.
If I had never gotten bottom surgery I would honestly just detransition. It would suck but I could see myself adjusting. But of course I did get that so I have to somehow accept that I am male, voluntarily removed my penis and gonads, have lived 6 years of my life (including my entire adulthood) as a woman, a cis-passing one at that, feel more like a man than a woman but not really like either, and then figure out what I'm going to do going forward based on that information.
I'm scared of having to live the rest of my life in this limbo. I am scared that if I continue presenting as a woman, the dissonance will just get worse and worse until I snap. I'm also scared that if I detransition I might have more in common with trans men than cis men, and have the same problem. I’m scared of continuing to feel like an intruder in female spaces, but also feeling unsafe in male spaces. I am scared that I will lose my place in the world because I don’t fit into the “happy transitioner” or “bitter detransitioner” group. I wish I had never gone on this journey, but I also know that I would likely never have made it to adulthood if I hadn’t. I feel an immense grief without any understanding of what it is I am grieving. I just want to live goddammit but I don’t know how.
tl;dr I was failed by gender "affirming" care and I definitely need to commit to finding a therapist who is actually willing to challenge my self-perception and identity, but that in itself is a process and I am really struggling right now to keep it together.
Does anyone relate to any of this or have any advice? Or any stories from others to share that I might not have seen before.