Scared of detransitioning
I (FTMTF) am planning on detransitioning, but I'm scared. I want to live and pass as a woman, but I don't know how possible that is, and I'm questioning if detransitioning will give me what I want.
I've had top surgery and have a deep voice, and pass as male 100% of the time. I hated the androgyny phase when I first transitioned, and I'm terrified of going through it again, knowing that it might be for the rest of my life.
I'm scared that even if I voice train and have chest reconstruction (planning on both), I'm not going to pass as a woman, or even feel like one. And even if I am, people will get to know me and then think, "that's someone who's stupid and makes big mistakes".
Every time I think about my dating pool, I want to cry. I've not really dated. I've had crushes on a few people that I could have dated if I'd never transitioned, and knowing that kills me. I worry that detransitioning and getting the same result will make me just fixate more on the effects of my past choices, and conclude I've fucked up my very tiny chances of having any meaningful romantic experiences.
Transitioning saved my life, but it was the wrong choice for me long term. It shrunk my world in so many ways. I'm lucky I live in a big city and my friends are supportive. And (apart from dating) it's mostly been okay because I pass. I worry my world will shrink more if I detransition, and become visibly trans again. And even if I end up passing, I don't know if detransitioning will make me feel more like a woman, or feel further away from it.