u/Boognish_Chameleon

Okay so for context, I’m moving back in with my parents from college. Thing is, as much as they’re decent human beings who I love dearly, they are insanely transphobic and so I’m going to have to live a double life of sorts. I guess partially due to these circumstances and partially just thinking on my own, I’ve been questioning if I am actually a trans woman or not just as a double check, because a double life is a giant fucking risk. For years before this I flip flopped from cis man who dug androgyny to nonbinary for years but tried not to think about the potential of being a trans woman because a family member once said they’d kill themself if I ever became trans, but on August 27 2024, the Pandora’s box opened, So none of this is completely new. I’m posting this to both r/MTF and r/actual_detrans so that I can get opinions from people in my shoes who both went through with being a trans woman and people in my shoes who ended up realizing that that’s not who they are while also not becoming TERFs after. This is mainly in list format do if you want me to elaborate about any of these than lmk.

REASONS I THINK IM STILL TRANS:

•the concept of being a girl and doing normal everyday things makes me happier than as a boy

•I like girl society/sisterhood WAY better. Just in general being one of the girls resonates with me as long as said girls are the kind of people I’d want to be friends with

•Being perceived as a girl makes more sense to me than as a guy

•Not a fan of my body hair

•neutral on my voice as it’s already naturally androgynous

•I like the idea of aging as a woman more than I like the idea of aging as a man

•I am heavily considering getting on E in a few years

•I generally want to be one most of the time

•Neutral leaning positive or negative depending on the day about getting tits as long as they don’t uh- get in the way

•I would switch around a lot as a kid from stereotypically masculine interests to feminine interests

•I feel an immediate and automatic sense of sisterhood and understanding with other trans woman and even did before my egg cracked. There was this one friend who was a trans woman that I had pre-egg crack who I was like- super doting towards and I realized later on that it was because she was basically my ideal self in girl form

•I have significant social dysphoria to the point where getting called my deadname feels like getting pinched really hard

•I wouldn’t have gone this far into wanting to be trans with the context of being under a DEEPLY transphobic family who I still really love if it were just some little phase or some online subcultural thing. My therapist has expressed the same sentiment to me when I discuss my questioning to hom

REASONS I QUESTION:

•I miss the uniqueness and swag of being an androgynous man, Prince and Bowie were who I looked up to most for awhile. Jojo or 2000’s fighting game character is still the ideal. I do that in butch form with some of my outfits but it’s not the same

•I’m TERRIFIED of losing strength. I used to be a gymbro that would deadlift 440lbs. Now I’m bad to being noodle armed but I want to be super strong again eventually, but I know Estrogen saps a lot of strength out of you (shredded this time instead of buff but still)

•Even if the brotherhood part of masculinity doesn’t work for me, the sense of being a badass and a protector and self sufficient and imposing does, there’s also something about the idea of being a progressive twink and out-manning manly men that I really like, even if it never happens. Again- I’m aware I can be a masculine girl and that is how I currently see myself but still

•Don’t want to lose dick function (I generally don’t want bottom surgery also)

•My first sexual encounters were distinctly gay/homoerotic in an unintentional way that would only make sense with a penis and that frames my sexuality even as a girl (I feel better as a guy during sex half the time). I wish I were more sexually girl like and feel WAY more confident when picturing myself as one in dominant roles (sub roles it’s the opposite) and also while flirting as a woman but I do also like the feelings my current equipment gives me. Also the difficulty of flirting as a man makes the actual sex more of a turnon too because I feel less worthy

•This is the biggest and most confusing one. It could be either dysphoria or me wanting to go back/ As much as I feel happier and lighter when thinking of myself as a woman I feel less grounded? Any emotion that isn’t happiness, whether it’s feelings to unpack, memories to access, or just sitting and vibing, I access/feel more easily when seeing myself as a man. Is this and the sex thing something estrogen will deal with? Idk. The best of both worlds would be synching the ability I have to feel the non-explicitly happy emotions as a man with the feeling and hormones of being a woman

•My egg cracked a few months after a really shitty life event that made me feel like I was at a dead end

• I did lean into a lot of “chronically online transfemme” stereotypes as a means of exploring the idea of being a trans woman without having to come out or anything, would make wink wink nudge nudge very obvious jokes and comments along these lines, kinda wished I was one before my egg cracked though idk if it was a means of me using a middle zone that felt safe before fully exploring things or if it was just me doing a bit.

•Most of my dysphoria is social and biochemical/hormonal