r/UnsentLettersRaw

you make me feel so unbelievably good about myself and where i stand in life

i want to check in with you

i want to know how you are

i want you to know why i’ve been distant

i want to hear about your day

i love how quickly you reply

i love how easy it is

i love trying to be better and having it feel right

i still think about your _____ ___

and how it caught me so hard

i’ve never consistently loved something like that in an object permanence way that i’ve associated with you

without wanting it to be mine

though, it is me, too, already

i never told you that

but i like thinking about it as just yours

i knew i had to say something

i knew i had to keep saying things, the hard part

i wish i was there

i feel the emptiness

every

single

day

I rushed into this. I saw you… and I chose you, and I knew. Not because you were perfect, but because there was something real in you. Something I don’t come across often and don’t ignore when I do. I never needed you to prove anything to me. I just didn’t expect to feel like I had to stand alone while trying to stand next to you. And that’s the part that’s been sitting with me. Because when I care about someone, I don’t hesitate. I don’t keep one foot out the door. I don’t move halfway. I show up fully. And I thought… maybe you saw that. Maybe it meant something. But lately, it feels quieter than that. Like I’m feeling something deeper than what’s being met. Not in words those are easy. In presence. In consistency. In choice. And I’ve had to be honest with myself about that. I can’t keep giving in a space where I feel myself slowly pulling back just to stay balanced. That’s not how I love. That’s not who I am. I don’t regret seeing what I saw in you. If anything, that’s what makes this harder to sit with. Because I still see it. I just don’t know if you ever really saw me the same way. I’m not angry. I’m just… clear. And clarity doesn’t always come with noise sometimes it just changes how you show up. So I’ll step back where I need to. Not to make a point… just to keep what’s real in me intact. Just understand something, though People don’t always lose what’s loud. Sometimes they lose what was steady… what was real… what would’ve stayed. And they don’t feel it right away. They feel it later… when it’s quiet… and there’s nothing left to question but their own choices.

Out of everything that’s ever been said, assumed, or even misunderstood and of course how we both over think and are both so stubborn, one thing that has never changed is how I’ve felt about you. Im sure by now you know that . I know I’ve expressed a lot before, even in that long letter I wrote, but none of it came from confusion. It came from something when I met you and to this very day I see it .

I see all the hurt, all of it, all the time . None of it means I’m scared . Ever . But it doesn’t make and won’t let it make me run anymore , I don’t want to , I can’t .

My feelings for you have always been real. Not influenced by anyone else, not shaped by opinions, and not something that could be rewritten by outside voices. No one else has ever been in my place, felt what I’ve felt, or experienced you the way I have. Absolutely no body. So when people think they understand it, or try to define it, they’re speaking on something they were never a part of.

And I’m not saying this to convince you of anything or to pressure you I’m saying it because it’s the truth I’ve carried, whether I’ve been close to you or distant. Time, space, and even silence haven’t changed that. It’s just always been there.

I also want you to know this isn’t about me trying to prove something or explain myself over and over again. I’m not trying to make you see things the way I do or feel what I feel. I understand that everyone processes things differently, and you have your own way of handling life, emotions, and everything that comes with it. But with that I don’t ever want you thinking I don’t care , you asked me not to speak on it and I haven’t anymore .

No matter what has happened, what people have said, or what things have looked like from the outside my feelings have never been something you had to wonder why, you don’t okay, you don’t.

I’m not asking you for anything with this. I just wanted to say it clearly, without other people’s interpretations mixed in.

I made a stupid mistake that cost me dearly. I did the wrong thing for the right reason. I tried to protect my friends from something but went the wrong way about it and it cost me everything.

I almost lost my freedom, my home, I lost all the people around me, my support network. My friends, everything. Your family stopped talking to me, my family are ashamed of me. I deserve it. I just tried to protect the people around me from something I knew was wrong and it backfired in the worst possible way.

The look in your eyes I won’t ever forget, it broke your heart but you stood by me. Partly because once the shock cleared a little you could see what I was trying to do, but I wouldn’t have blamed you for leaving me. I had packed a bag and I was going to make myself homeless, take myself away from everyone I unintentionally hurt and just go somewhere. I didn’t know where. In my head I just wanted to make everyone’s lives better by removing myself from it. Just go far away. I didn’t tell you my plans, I didn’t tell anyone my plans but I think you sensed it. We had been living in different parts of the house because you couldn’t bear to look at me. A song came on the radio which had the words *I’ll always stand by you * and you came over to me and placed your hand on mine and gently squeezed it in acknowledgment of those words. I cried so much.

I’m so sorry for what I put you through. I don’t deserve you. Im sorry for the stupid mistake that caused all this, I wish I could make it up to everyone that got caught in the crossfire. I hope that eventually time will begin to heal wounds and I can reach out and explain what happened and start making it right again.

I know I can’t take back what happened, and I can’t remove the scars, but I hope I can at least wrap a bandage around your heart and find a way to make it up to you and show how much I appreciate your love and support.

I love you and I’m so so sorry

I finally put my ego aside and reached out to you. I’m not sure what it was I was hoping for or why I did. Maybe it was hoping that you missed me too and would give me a second chance. Or that maybe you didn’t wanna be with me in that way again but we could still be friends. Play stardew valley together and just be back in each other’s life. Idk what I was thinking. I know I don’t deserve a second chance and you clearly do not want me in your life in any form and I understand that.

What was I thinking? That you were gonna jump in my arms and tell me you wanted to be with me? That you want me as much as I want you? That you’ve thought about me everyday since we parted ways and were waiting for me to reach out? Silly me.

Maybe it’s killing me so much because for once, I didn’t have control over what happened. I’ve always been the one who had control and ended things in my past. They always chased me and wanted me back and you clearly don’t. After all, I self sabotaged so bad there was no way I could come back from that. Thank you for being kind and accepting my apology. Thank you for making me feel the way you did and becoming excited about life again. You really had me singing in the morning and dancing around. I felt so alive and Maybe that’s just a sign. Real love I’ve heard is supposed to make you feel calm. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your calm. I hope you find someone who does :) goodbye A. I’ll cherish the time we’ve had together and finally move on. It’s not doing any of us any good staying in the past. You’ve clearly moved on. I will now do the same 💜

I do not write because I want you back. I write because some women leave, and still remain. Not in the ordinary ways. Not as ghosts that beg to be chased. But as a standard. A fever. A private measure of what desire once became when it was met by trust.

You broke my feelings. That is the plain truth. You left, and what was tender in me hardened around your absence. I learned to live with that. I learned to breathe where you had once lived in me. But even now, I cannot deny what you were.

I am still loyal to that.

Not to the woman who left. Not to the silence that followed. I am loyal to the woman who could stand before me as my equal, and then come to me in surrender without losing a single inch of her worth.

That was your rarity.

Most people understand only one kind of power. You understood both. You knew how to meet me eye to eye, with poise, intelligence, and that quiet confidence that never needed display. You were never small in my presence. You never had to be. I admired you before I ever took pleasure in you. I respected you before I ever touched the deeper places in you. With you, desire never began in hunger alone. It began in recognition.

And then there was the other side of you. The one that still lingers under my skin.

You knew how to yield without becoming less. You knew how to offer your submission not as weakness, but as intention. That is what made you unforgettable. You did not kneel because you were empty. You knelt because you were full enough to choose. You gave me something far more dangerous than obedience: you gave me trust with your eyes open.

That kind of surrender changes a man.

It demands precision. Restraint. Care sharpened into instinct. When you placed yourself in my hands, I never felt ownership. I felt responsibility. I felt the weight of something exquisite being given freely, and the need to be worthy of it. That is why I savored you so deeply. Not because you obeyed, but because you remained entirely yourself while doing it. Your submission did not diminish you. It revealed you. It made you more elegant, more intoxicating, more impossible to forget.

You were beautiful in the way only chosen surrender can be beautiful: disciplined, deliberate, almost ceremonial. There was nothing cheap about it. Nothing careless. You made devotion look like dignity. You made yielding look like power turned inside out. You made me understand that a woman can be strongest precisely where she decides to soften.

That is why I remain loyal.

Not because you spared me pain. You did not.

Not because the ending was kind. It was not.

But because what you gave me before the fall was too rare to insult with bitterness.

I refuse to reduce you to the wound.

I keep what deserves to endure: your direct gaze, your stillness, your self-command, the quiet grace of your surrender, the way you could be utterly composed in the light and devastatingly soft in the dark. You were not merely desired. You were received. Not merely wanted, but honored. And that is what made you so dangerously unforgettable.

My love did not survive you.

But my loyalty survived what love could not.

And if you ever wanted to know what it means to leave a mark that outlives pleasure, outlives romance, even outlives ruin, I would tell you this:

Be the woman who can stand as an equal and surrender by choice.

Be the woman who does not offer herself cheaply.

Be the woman whose trust feels earned, whose softness feels deliberate, whose submission never asks for pity because it was never born from weakness.

Be the woman a man remembers not only for how deeply he desired her, but for how completely he respected her.

That was you.

And despite everything, some part of me will always remain loyal to the woman who knew how to be exactly that.

A switch has been thrown. One of those heavy, industrial panel light switches that stick out off the wall and you struggle with. The kind that make a loud sound when you turn them on.

Click!

And you know when you've turned it on.

When did it happen exactly?

It was a slow, sudden awareness of an arm. Looking at it, I thought.

"Oh... oh wow, he must work out."

And found my eyes tracing along, and finding a strange and unexpected heat.

"Uh oh."

Picking up an unwanted attraction feels awkward. Especially in having a history as the ugly girl, who it was fun to joke about having a crush on, because the very concept was just hilarious and vomit inducing.

But I'm an adult now.

With grown lady feelings and desires.

Right now, contemplating that I should shove them back down.

Instead, I almost feel like dropping that pencil on the floor between us. Just so I've got an excuse to bend over, and pick it up between my teeth, and look up at you with my bright red lipstick and go:

"Hey buddy, did ya drop somethin'?"

My heart and soul

I want to be with you. To reunite and put two pieces that have been apart, back together. I know I could be happy with you. You see me, a little too well, I’d try not to be scared of that. We need each other and we were made for each other. I desire you, and no one else. A daily life together with all the things, meeting of the minds and so much care and love for each other. I’m sorry I denied us time and time again, it was never because I didn’t love you or feel you. Because I do. I appreciate you and I’m grateful to you. You make me laugh, smile, feel proud, feel adored and so seen. I know my people would love you as much as I do. We need you.

Head

It’s better to stay where I am, not cause any more pain and tears. Being here means stabilizing an unbalanced situation that I caused. I wish to not cause any more pain for those I’m responsible for. I wish not to cause any more psychological scars. Or financial strain. It’s tough enough as it is. I’ve had my own battles and being here is a balm, at least some of the time. Theres also logistics of my belongings, which is currently about to be sorted again and can’t be moved yet again unless I want to lose my mind. Then there are what ifs, the worst is if it doesn’t work out, then where do I go? There is no answer for that and that’s a problem. Also I’m a mess, possibly the worst time to be with such a catch as you. It’s embarrassing af

What do I do?

I miss you so much. 

I told myself I wouldn’t get on my knees and beg, but I’m swallowing my pride. You are far too important to me to stifle my true feelings. I cannot bare your absence. I am heartbroken every day. It all leads to you. Every accomplishment, I want to tell you about. Every exciting, funny moment, I want to share with you. Every quiet moment, I think of you.  

The pain of the regret I feel when I think about how I ruptured our bond, stings deeply every time I think about it. I know I hurt you, and I wish I could take it all back. 

For whatever it’s worth - you have my word that those mistakes would never happen again. The mismatches in presence, the lack of self-care, the insecure outbursts - none of it. If there’s anything I can do to preserve you and I - I will do it. 

All I ask of you - if you have any remaining romantic feelings for me - is that you give me one more chance. One more chance to show up, and make you understand and truly feel the depth of my love for you. 

I really want to know you - all of you. And I want you to know all of me. I want to see the good, bad, ugly. It feels like we only just began. I want to see it all. I want to accept, embrace, and celebrate all of what you are. You are so beautiful to me. The more I learned about you, the more beautiful you became. 

I am a drifter, too. It has been hard for me to make any one heart my home. But I want to have a home in your heart. I have made up my mind about you. I would promise to you my loyalty, my devotion, my companionship, and my undying effort. I want to be on a team with you. I don’t want anybody else but you . 

I love you. 

And I know my love would only grow. 

What do you say? Could you give us one more try? 

Hey

It's been a while

I hope you're doing well!

Been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months, a lot of searching for... Well, something

Trying to get that closure from myself I guess haha

Well, anyway

I dunno how best to put this, you know I'm bad at words haha

Anyway(again)

You really did try your best

You did all you could, pushed yourself beyond your capacity for me, and I didn't recognize or see any of it

I constantly chose things for you, for us, without ever taking your thoughts and opinions into account

I let myself be so overwhelmed with the fear of losing you, I pushed you away anyway, I took your agency and choices away time and time again

I never let you really choose anything

Even this is a perfect example of me being unwilling to let go

I focused so hard on the relationship, and not you

I didn't make choices for you, I made them for the sake of the relationship

I neglected you, and when told that I was, I took it to the extreme and smothered you to the point of control

I didn't say certain things because I thought they would hurt the relationship if I said them

I forgot who you were, I forgot who you fell for, all because I put the relationship first, and not you

I didn't listen to you, to what you were saying you wanted

I was trying to listen to what I thought the relationship wanted

I didn't consider you, your thoughts, your feelings, your wants, your needs

I didn't show up for YOU

I didn't listen when you said you wanted flowers

I didn't listen when you said you needed space

I didn't listen to your bids for affection

I let other things become the issue, because I couldn't accept that I was making the wrong choices

I didn't let you make mistakes because I let myself be consumed by the fear that it would break us apart

I lost sight of how we used to be, how close and understanding you were

And sure, I can blame it on the mental illness, but that just invalidates your experience

You tried so hard for someone who didn't try for you, and you didn't deserve that life

You really did try

And all I did was make you feel unloved, unwanted, disliked, hated, used, objectified, controlled, helpless

You weren't supported the way you needed, the way you asked

I didn't show up for you the way you were begging until near the end

You didn't fail [wife]

I failed you, in every aspect

You said once you felt you had to try to make yourself unlovable, that you weren't easy to love

But the truth of it is so far from that

You are SO easy to love

You try so hard for the people you care about, you show them things about themselves they'd never otherwise realize or think

You go all in and expect nothing in return, and I admire that about you

I loved you, but I didn't love you the way you needed

I let myself get in the way, I let myself choose the relationship over you

I really do hope you're doing well

I miss you a little less everyday, but I still miss you

I regret how I acted at the end

I regret disrespecting you by telling you we couldn't be friends unless it was sexual

I still chose the relationship over your feelings and emotions, I wanted to control what kind of experience you would have

I still chose to try to not give you the choice of wanting to try again, by saying things that were just plain unreasonable

I lashed out, hurt you, abused you, violated your privacy, and tried to hide behind a shield of "but this!" and "I'm sick in the head"

You deserved REAL accountability, and you didn't get that

I will always, always hold love for you

I really, honestly, truly, always will

You were my person

And I never showed it

I’m just laying here and once again, I just wish I was falling asleep in your arms. Instead, I’m laying here alone with the thoughts of knowing our last goodbye is days away.

I really do love you.

I really wanted it be you. I wanted everything to be you and with you.

But it’s not. And I have to leave so I can grant you with detachment. And I have to walk away so that I can move on or I never will. It’s not fair to keep me holding on and waiting for nothing. Because it fucking hurts and I don’t want to hurt anymore.

I love you. It was all real for me. I’ll never know what any of it was to you, if it was even anything to you. And it’s fine. I loved our time and you.

I wonder if through the air, telepathically, if you can feel my body and lips craving/aching for you; and at the same time my heart sad and hurting for you.

I love you and I’m going to miss you. That’s why I need the out of sight, out of mind to move on from you. Since you barely talk to me again, it’s a start. I’m sure you’ve already moved on. At least you won’t miss me when I’m gone. Must be nice.

what went so wrong? I know the answers so I guess

a better question is why couldn't I fix everything.

I wish I could process things better. I wish things werent burnt to a crisp but fact of the matter is thats how it is.

I cant change anything except my past habits and patterns. im trying. for me.

why do I have to live for anyone else- these changes are for me.

I still wish it didnt end this way. it all fucking hurts. I feel numb.

some days I think im happy and recovered then silence creeps in and all I can do is think. I wonder if being numb is better but I know getting over all of this is best.

one step at a time. ill be better.

Oh yes.

That’s what it says…

But what do you say when,

All the words get stuck

Somewhere between

Your brain, your tongue,

And all the butterflies?

Sometimes.

Yes sometimes…

It comes down to a look.

That certain look across

The crowded room.

That lands perfectly.

Yes.

Just there babe.

Right there.

And I’m speechless

Still.

Cs I know you said if we were to separate we’d still be close and still family I want nothing more than to still apart of our children’s and grandchild and the hardest part about this is you are my best friend literally my only friend but people out of my life to have a life with you.

I know our years together had been challenging and the last 3 years has been the worst got the both off us things that led to this I will take the blame for and I’ll wear that whole heartedly. But the last 8 months even long you became distant ignored the messages and calls and one thing led to another yes after months of arguing and secret you held on to did play a big part in our break down of our marriage more do I let my emotions become physical and I know that mental and physical hurt you inside that I wish we never had been arguing over the same thing each swing but what I’d say you say otherwise there’s no compromise and dam sure you always has the last say and mad sure you were right even when you were wrong.

After months i was allowed to come home but all the loves and misses and we will work on things I we o r led do hard on our marriage and myself and realised it didn’t feel like home it felt like a guest that over stayed his welcome we spoke things seemed alright but the same things was happening and thats when I pulled the plug on our marriage because I know you didn’t want too, but we spoke you said I’m your family I’m your best friend and you won’t leave me alone like everyone had since I was a child but this time everything come hitting me hard.

You promised we are family and I’ll be there when youse need me but you distance your self at home you tell me I’m your best friend and don’t want to lose me at all but when I come to comfort uou as a friend even to tell me how your feeling I’m still your husband after all but you pushed me away now you want me gone do you can have time and space for your self yeah that’s fine pushing me further and further and not give two shits then I said I can’t help how I feel about you I’m still deeply in love with you that’s why I come around do the yards and stuff because is my job to doing but after that’s I realise I’m no competition for who ever makes you smile while we are sitting there talking or watching something I said I’m going to back of for a bit because I’m hurting and struggling but you were quick to answer that text ( ok that’s ok) you said you’d never live me alone but your doing just that.

Now you’ve broken

Love and misses you lies straight to my face

You wanted me home so bad when that time come sudden change of heart

Best friends no you don’t say that if your not going to let me just comfort you as a friends not your husband

FAMILY is one here hurts me the most you say I’m your family and the children and grandchild that’s your FAMILY I find it hard to be your family while your pushing further away from everyone

Telling me you would never leave me alone again from the day we met knowing I did 2 years in a mental health facility you were the only real person I interacted With for a long time you knew my life story now I sit here no family no friends completely alone even my personalities have disappeared now all I have is silence the very silence that led me to the empty open field where there is nothing but the white gums trees silence.

All I can hear in my head is a faint voices saying I promise

I promise I’ll will be fine

Your prying eyes know no bounds, your subtle whispers echo like screams across the walls of the abyss, your spiteful glare no longer haunts this mirror.

You may dwell amongst the ashes of the aether but this hallow void has always been my grave, and it will remain mine and mine alone.

What good is a queen with no king to walk beside her? The queen... she can faulter, she can fall, she can cast her dye and slither into the darkness, and yet the waltz will continue onward. Another pawn to take her place... However the king, the moment he chooses absence, the moment he chooses silence, the moment he departs, the game comes to an end.

So cry, gnashing your teeth and sharpen your claws, drop to your knees and pound the soil in rage, I am no longer the knight who waits at your door, there is no phoenix to hatch from your shame.

Take your mongrels and be gone, your presence no longer holds a chair at this table. I will never walk beside you again and my love will know not but the cage in which you placed it.

This game is over, princess.

Be gone.

The way your voice sounds. The way your kiss felt. How attentive you were. Your scent. Your humor. How soft you were. The person you unlocked in me that day. I remember it all, too well. And though we may not speak, these tiny moments have kept me going some days. Not because I hope to see you again, I know I won’t, but because we existed. Some years or months ago, somewhere, I’m happy we got to share that moment. Thank you. I doubt it all meant as much to you as it did to me, but if I had a chance, I would not miss us again. Even if the end of us broke me.

I love you all. I am deeply sorry. You did nothing wrong. It is all my fault. You are all beautiful. You are good kind loving beautiful people and I feel I probably really triggered you all badly with how I was. I felt I couldn't move. Terrified. I thought none of you loved me. I felt like a little child inside. I am sorry. I know it makes no sense to all of you. But that is what happened

I can't breathe. I wake up everyday and think of you all and how terrified I was and how distorted reality became to the point where I was living in an alternate reality to all of you and everyday I was in a room indoors feeling like the little 10 year old me I didn't know this then just terrified everyday I wanted I really wanted to be able to reach out to you the closest people to me M my sister O by Romanian friend & H. U MY ex, all of you I love you all.

I was so scared of you all. I felt terrified. I thought you all hated me after what I said and the irony is I never meant it. Things just kept getting worse. For me everyone around kept laughing whilst I was feeling inside like her the little 10 year old me. I know to everyone around me I looked like an adult but inside in my body my psyche my subconscious the emotions the feelings everyday I felt like her. Traumatized. That's why I tried to keep telling you. But it felt like no one was listening. And the only person that was there my ex I really needed someone to hold me really hold me, but I couldn't ask him, we weren't together. And I was so terrified to be alone in that flat. Ur was so painful. The memories. Everywhere.

Everyday I wake up I feel like I have been punched in the face. I feel terrified I feel so much remorse. That wasn't me. It was the little child me who was so sick of being attacked then being ridiculed laughed at. She laughed whilst I cried I woke up everyday and I would go into shock. Surrounded by strangers watching whilst I was humiliated taunted terrified laughed at by her they watched and I felt the most intense grief and terror

I ran away like a child because I felt like a child I needed one person to just tell me straight what was happening. The world still is terrifying. I see men now and my body goes into terror sometimes, I know the men aren't him but it doesn't matter to my body. Because I was only a child. You can try and ignore me but the reality is, to me it feels like yesterday. All of it. And that's what happened in 2020. It all suddenly came up. All of it. I'm so sorry you bore the brunt but if u had 1 person who kept it all private then my life wouldn't be the worst mess, I wouldnt be such a mess and we wouldn't all be fractured broken. Your probably all fine you've moved on. I am barely able to function. I have no life. I have no idea what to do. I try. I try and see Arwen and imagine she is real and she comes and holds me. I miss you all more than anything. I love you. You will always be a part of me. Im sorry but I don't think il ever be OK. I don't know how to breathe or do anything.

What is the point of breathing. Il keep trying il try. I wake up and remember us. For me I can't be in a place where I feel like I'm there again. Trapped. The walls the gate the dark wood the smell them, in power them bigger them controlling me. Them squashing my spirit everyday like a torture chambers. "sit in the chair and be good now" tori Amos everybody else's girl

I write to you here as you say you don't want letters, you laugh, I spend everyday trapped inside a mental torture chamber whilst everyone else goes about their lives jobs cars children homes safety love someone they can call to come round a partner there to make you a coffee an ear a shoulder warmth tenderness, someone people who "see" you. You your soul the depth of you. I have an ocean inside of me a tapestry of many colours a ocean full of love my sould cries out for animals children nature poetry music warmth tenderness. Try a little tenderness ottis reading. I miss my home. I miss you all my soul family. I would give anything to see you again

Here I can write maybe someone here will care maybe someone will see a flicker of me maybe someone will.......

I just want the truth without the risk of embarrassment without the risk of the conversation leaving us without the fear of what I may hear . I almost got it one time but you pulled away . You’ve always been a hard person to talk to , your walls have been up for as long as I can remember.

I lost my car today. I have lost everything that was in it. I have been numbing the pain by reaching the high to make reality disappear. I haven’t been the same since you walked away from me. Yes I do blame you for all of it because you couldn’t just love me there was always someone else behind my back. I don’t care anymore. I realized that you didn’t love me and that is what sent me down this path of losing myself and now walking the path that I never thought I’d walk. To know that i am one of those that I said I never would be. To now being stuck somewhere I don’t want to be. I’m happy that you get to live a normal life as I am struggling to live day to day. Take meds which I haven’t had in a week or two. I’m dying and who cares right now one. I was pulled to this state to save something that was never being saved. Given no options but to be hurt over and over again. Thanks for everything all the damage all the lies all the hurt and pain and now having nothing no family no friends no one and it’s lonely and hard and cruel in this world I’m living in. I deserve so much more but I was left like garbage. I hate you more than anything in this world. Thanks for making me into someone I hate and pretty soon one day I won’t be here it will be the end of the road for me.

This would be one long letter to myself.

I say goodbye to you all.

First, my parents. It's not okay to hate your parents, but I have no place in my heart to tolerate the agony that you put me through every day. I tried to be strong. I tried to fight. To have and build a life better for myself. The constant dragging me down. Masked support just to have control. Fake care, selfishness. Then I tried to forgive and forget and started again, and the outcome was even worse than before. I say, why did you bring me here? Probably I am a mistake, and right now I am so weak to take a step toward anything. I am trapped in the house with you. I don't even have money for proper treatment. I am so damaged that I don't see that my state will get better, or that I will ever have the life I desire. I don't want to blame you, but you are to blame, and you know exactly why. You will cry the strongest when I am gone. Pray for your daughter, I am lost.

I don't know how to die, but I will keep praying for it, since suicide is for the weak and I am strong inside. If I ever pull myself together, I will forgive you, but don't expect any of you to be around me.

For those who know, I trusted you. Just to get humiliated, talked about behind my back. Don't you have a life? What about my life is so interesting that you talk about it among yourselves? The misery of it — she is so miserable. Judge a person when you walk in their shoes. The fun is over, I guess. Not everyone is tailored for a world where the values of a good heart are taken for granted.

For my friends who have common sense, with whom arguments are discussed as mature adults. I know you have also struggled, and everything I have done for you I would do again. You all have families now, newly built ones, and I am proud of you. I wish you nothing but happiness, tailored with what your heart desires.

To my friend who got me to the boiling point today. You used me pretty dirty. It was my own blindness. So I wish you the best of luck.

For my brothers, I am the older one and I am paying the price for being the black sheep. Blessed be and do better. I was left alone with no support. No wonder I ended up where I ended up.

To him… most of my letters were for you, and here I would just say that meeting you opened my eyes. Just thank you. I look at what is around me and it is a lot of burdens. I am no good for you. There is no place for love in my life, or as far as I can see right now it will never be. I have to be real. I will carry it not much longer because, well, not much longer I would be around. This life is not for me, especially without any support. Even though I got used to being alone, I am a woman and I have nothing. Right now I have only words and tears.

To myself…

Salvation is at reach. I feel weak. I have done so much for others and now when I need help no one is there, and that hurts me. Not that I know how to ask for help. Maybe I am so damaged that everything seems like a lost cause now. If things go well and I get better and I am reading this, I will know that those days were a turning point, for those who know and those who don’t. Mother acted again, being mad at me, manipulation.

Just die already. I would trade my life with so many people who have left us. It is better out there. And many deserve to be here while I am given a chance just to ruin everything. I am ashamed, used, traumatized.

If you have read it until the end, congratulations — just scribbles of a person who is lost and doesn't know how to come back.