I miss you all. I'm so sorry
I love you all. I am deeply sorry. You did nothing wrong. It is all my fault. You are all beautiful. You are good kind loving beautiful people and I feel I probably really triggered you all badly with how I was. I felt I couldn't move. Terrified. I thought none of you loved me. I felt like a little child inside. I am sorry. I know it makes no sense to all of you. But that is what happened
I can't breathe. I wake up everyday and think of you all and how terrified I was and how distorted reality became to the point where I was living in an alternate reality to all of you and everyday I was in a room indoors feeling like the little 10 year old me I didn't know this then just terrified everyday I wanted I really wanted to be able to reach out to you the closest people to me M my sister O by Romanian friend & H. U MY ex, all of you I love you all.
I was so scared of you all. I felt terrified. I thought you all hated me after what I said and the irony is I never meant it. Things just kept getting worse. For me everyone around kept laughing whilst I was feeling inside like her the little 10 year old me. I know to everyone around me I looked like an adult but inside in my body my psyche my subconscious the emotions the feelings everyday I felt like her. Traumatized. That's why I tried to keep telling you. But it felt like no one was listening. And the only person that was there my ex I really needed someone to hold me really hold me, but I couldn't ask him, we weren't together. And I was so terrified to be alone in that flat. Ur was so painful. The memories. Everywhere.
Everyday I wake up I feel like I have been punched in the face. I feel terrified I feel so much remorse. That wasn't me. It was the little child me who was so sick of being attacked then being ridiculed laughed at. She laughed whilst I cried I woke up everyday and I would go into shock. Surrounded by strangers watching whilst I was humiliated taunted terrified laughed at by her they watched and I felt the most intense grief and terror
I ran away like a child because I felt like a child I needed one person to just tell me straight what was happening. The world still is terrifying. I see men now and my body goes into terror sometimes, I know the men aren't him but it doesn't matter to my body. Because I was only a child. You can try and ignore me but the reality is, to me it feels like yesterday. All of it. And that's what happened in 2020. It all suddenly came up. All of it. I'm so sorry you bore the brunt but if u had 1 person who kept it all private then my life wouldn't be the worst mess, I wouldnt be such a mess and we wouldn't all be fractured broken. Your probably all fine you've moved on. I am barely able to function. I have no life. I have no idea what to do. I try. I try and see Arwen and imagine she is real and she comes and holds me. I miss you all more than anything. I love you. You will always be a part of me. Im sorry but I don't think il ever be OK. I don't know how to breathe or do anything.
What is the point of breathing. Il keep trying il try. I wake up and remember us. For me I can't be in a place where I feel like I'm there again. Trapped. The walls the gate the dark wood the smell them, in power them bigger them controlling me. Them squashing my spirit everyday like a torture chambers. "sit in the chair and be good now" tori Amos everybody else's girl
I write to you here as you say you don't want letters, you laugh, I spend everyday trapped inside a mental torture chamber whilst everyone else goes about their lives jobs cars children homes safety love someone they can call to come round a partner there to make you a coffee an ear a shoulder warmth tenderness, someone people who "see" you. You your soul the depth of you. I have an ocean inside of me a tapestry of many colours a ocean full of love my sould cries out for animals children nature poetry music warmth tenderness. Try a little tenderness ottis reading. I miss my home. I miss you all my soul family. I would give anything to see you again
Here I can write maybe someone here will care maybe someone will see a flicker of me maybe someone will.......