u/kingcrab_17

Hey

It's been a while

I hope you're doing well!

Been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months, a lot of searching for... Well, something

Trying to get that closure from myself I guess haha

Well, anyway

I dunno how best to put this, you know I'm bad at words haha

Anyway(again)

You really did try your best

You did all you could, pushed yourself beyond your capacity for me, and I didn't recognize or see any of it

I constantly chose things for you, for us, without ever taking your thoughts and opinions into account

I let myself be so overwhelmed with the fear of losing you, I pushed you away anyway, I took your agency and choices away time and time again

I never let you really choose anything

Even this is a perfect example of me being unwilling to let go

I focused so hard on the relationship, and not you

I didn't make choices for you, I made them for the sake of the relationship

I neglected you, and when told that I was, I took it to the extreme and smothered you to the point of control

I didn't say certain things because I thought they would hurt the relationship if I said them

I forgot who you were, I forgot who you fell for, all because I put the relationship first, and not you

I didn't listen to you, to what you were saying you wanted

I was trying to listen to what I thought the relationship wanted

I didn't consider you, your thoughts, your feelings, your wants, your needs

I didn't show up for YOU

I didn't listen when you said you wanted flowers

I didn't listen when you said you needed space

I didn't listen to your bids for affection

I let other things become the issue, because I couldn't accept that I was making the wrong choices

I didn't let you make mistakes because I let myself be consumed by the fear that it would break us apart

I lost sight of how we used to be, how close and understanding you were

And sure, I can blame it on the mental illness, but that just invalidates your experience

You tried so hard for someone who didn't try for you, and you didn't deserve that life

You really did try

And all I did was make you feel unloved, unwanted, disliked, hated, used, objectified, controlled, helpless

You weren't supported the way you needed, the way you asked

I didn't show up for you the way you were begging until near the end

You didn't fail [wife]

I failed you, in every aspect

You said once you felt you had to try to make yourself unlovable, that you weren't easy to love

But the truth of it is so far from that

You are SO easy to love

You try so hard for the people you care about, you show them things about themselves they'd never otherwise realize or think

You go all in and expect nothing in return, and I admire that about you

I loved you, but I didn't love you the way you needed

I let myself get in the way, I let myself choose the relationship over you

I really do hope you're doing well

I miss you a little less everyday, but I still miss you

I regret how I acted at the end

I regret disrespecting you by telling you we couldn't be friends unless it was sexual

I still chose the relationship over your feelings and emotions, I wanted to control what kind of experience you would have

I still chose to try to not give you the choice of wanting to try again, by saying things that were just plain unreasonable

I lashed out, hurt you, abused you, violated your privacy, and tried to hide behind a shield of "but this!" and "I'm sick in the head"

You deserved REAL accountability, and you didn't get that

I will always, always hold love for you

I really, honestly, truly, always will

You were my person

And I never showed it