Today was not a day to make decisions - and you did good for writing - one thing I am proud of me today ✨️
This would be one long letter to myself.
I say goodbye to you all.
First, my parents. It's not okay to hate your parents, but I have no place in my heart to tolerate the agony that you put me through every day. I tried to be strong. I tried to fight. To have and build a life better for myself. The constant dragging me down. Masked support just to have control. Fake care, selfishness. Then I tried to forgive and forget and started again, and the outcome was even worse than before. I say, why did you bring me here? Probably I am a mistake, and right now I am so weak to take a step toward anything. I am trapped in the house with you. I don't even have money for proper treatment. I am so damaged that I don't see that my state will get better, or that I will ever have the life I desire. I don't want to blame you, but you are to blame, and you know exactly why. You will cry the strongest when I am gone. Pray for your daughter, I am lost.
I don't know how to die, but I will keep praying for it, since suicide is for the weak and I am strong inside. If I ever pull myself together, I will forgive you, but don't expect any of you to be around me.
For those who know, I trusted you. Just to get humiliated, talked about behind my back. Don't you have a life? What about my life is so interesting that you talk about it among yourselves? The misery of it — she is so miserable. Judge a person when you walk in their shoes. The fun is over, I guess. Not everyone is tailored for a world where the values of a good heart are taken for granted.
For my friends who have common sense, with whom arguments are discussed as mature adults. I know you have also struggled, and everything I have done for you I would do again. You all have families now, newly built ones, and I am proud of you. I wish you nothing but happiness, tailored with what your heart desires.
To my friend who got me to the boiling point today. You used me pretty dirty. It was my own blindness. So I wish you the best of luck.
For my brothers, I am the older one and I am paying the price for being the black sheep. Blessed be and do better. I was left alone with no support. No wonder I ended up where I ended up.
To him… most of my letters were for you, and here I would just say that meeting you opened my eyes. Just thank you. I look at what is around me and it is a lot of burdens. I am no good for you. There is no place for love in my life, or as far as I can see right now it will never be. I have to be real. I will carry it not much longer because, well, not much longer I would be around. This life is not for me, especially without any support. Even though I got used to being alone, I am a woman and I have nothing. Right now I have only words and tears.
To myself…
Salvation is at reach. I feel weak. I have done so much for others and now when I need help no one is there, and that hurts me. Not that I know how to ask for help. Maybe I am so damaged that everything seems like a lost cause now. If things go well and I get better and I am reading this, I will know that those days were a turning point, for those who know and those who don’t. Mother acted again, being mad at me, manipulation.
Just die already. I would trade my life with so many people who have left us. It is better out there. And many deserve to be here while I am given a chance just to ruin everything. I am ashamed, used, traumatized.
If you have read it until the end, congratulations — just scribbles of a person who is lost and doesn't know how to come back.