r/Shouldihaveanother

I came up with a list of things that seem incredibly hard with more than one kid, that almost feel impossible to us. I'm curious if anyone that has two more can speak to these points:

1. Traveling internationally or moving homes? Almost impossible. We fly to Asia very frequently and it's the hardest thing ever to bring a single kid. Two would be a catastrophe going on a 14 hour long haul trip wrangling two screaming kids
2. 2 kids receiving 50% attention each is worse than 1 receiving 100% of attention and our love. We're able to spend all our energy and care into loving her and making sure she has a quality childhood and parents that are there for her
3. Marriage would not survive two. Marital strain is already soo intense with children and having a second would just completely devastate us. So much fighting and problems since having a kid, two is just too much. Most of our issues occurred after having a kid and having two would just break the marriage
4. Dealing with two sick kids is incredibly hard. When ours had some serious fevers we never slept. When two kids are sick, the whole family cycles through sickness for way longer and no one gets any rest
5. Double, disjointed activities and constant extracurriculars: mom has to bring Timmy to swim practice while dad brings Jackie to baseball, etc. Constant work and zero breaks. Can't take turns with spouse as much and demands on time are far greater
6. The sibling dynamic and constant fighting: always fighting for toys, fighting about sharing, teaching lessons 24/7 and enforcing timeouts and punishments all the time because kids are little rascals. Heck no
7. No breaks. Double the backpacks to prepare, double the food, double the laundry, double the emotional toil and psychological pressure. Have to balance out thinking about Timmy's bullies in school while Jackie is struggling with self-confidence problems, etc. Double the logistics and work all the time
8. We already won the lottery once...why continue playing and rolling the dice? So much uncertainty and the second could have a serious disease or disabilities.
9. Prime years of our lives we want to travel and enjoy the world with our kid! In 10 years, our parents will need serious medical aid and we'll have to be next to them. This means our 30s are the last chance we get in out youth to do all the things we want to do. 40s will be spent taking care of our elderly family, and once we're 50, kid will be out of the house and won't be able to enjoy her as much. It just doesn't feel reasonable to go back to the trenches. We want to enjoy our lives.

Hi everyone, my wife (31) and I (27) have three kids, but my wife wants a fourth and I’m at my limit.

If time allows, I’m going to ask you to please skim my post from 7 months ago about this so this post doesn’t become too long. This is essentially an update 7 months later.

https://www.reddit.com/r/ParentingInBulk/comments/1og6kc8/comment/nly4s74/?context=3&sort=new

If you didn’t check the previous post out, the TLDR for prev post is:

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“TLDR: My wife strongly wants a fourth child and feels like our family doesn’t feel complete yet, while I feel genuinely stretched already with three kids and worry about the impact another child could have on our finances, stress levels, time together, overall quality of life, and most importantly, the emotional attention and care I’m able to give the three children we already have. I met her and her daughter and we started a life together when I was in my late teens(19) and she was in her early twenties. It meant becoming a father before I was really an adult, but I accepted that because I always imagined that by our late 30s or 40s we’d finally get the phase of life together that we missed in our younger years. So at 27, going on 28, the idea of starting over again feels overwhelming to me.

She deeply grieves the idea of being done having children and claims she wants to give me a girl. I keep telling her that her daughter counts as my girl. She already gave me two boys who are complete mama’s boys. We can’t guarantee gender, and honestly, I personally think I would struggle emotionally if we had another boy. I’m afraid of agreeing to something I don’t feel mentally or emotionally prepared for. The situation has become a sticking point and is negatively impacting the relationship. Although I’ve suggested couples counseling, she currently isn’t open to it.”

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So that was the situation 7 months ago, and essentially it continues to be the situation now.

If anything, she is even more adamant about having another one. She came off the IUD around the time of my last post, yet still does not want me using protection with her. So if we are intimate, I’ve been relying on the withdrawal method.

Additionally, one of the recurring arguments she makes is that “I didn’t want the two that I had with her.” Her first child’s dad also left when she got pregnant, so she feels like she has never had a “pregnancy to remember.”

I can speak to the two instances with me. Neither pregnancy was planned. One happened right after we got married, and the other happened 2 to 3 years later. Remember, she already had a daughter, so I wasn’t in a rush to have another child. I was hoping to finish my degree, stabilize our lives, and then let those things come naturally. Clearly, I wasn’t responsible enough, and she got pregnant. Because I was disappointed in myself and overwhelmed by the situation, I was less than joyful during the first and second trimesters, and at times I was emotionally unavailable or even mean. I’m guessing that became a turning point for her emotionally.

The other pregnancy happened right before a major life transition for us. I finished inside her, and she insisted she was not taking Plan B because she had already told me she didn’t like what it was doing to her body. I bought it, and she didn’t take it. Needless to say, trying to settle, find work, adjust to a completely new phase of life, and prepare for a baby at the same time was not what I wanted. Still, I do take accountability for my role in that second pregnancy.

And yes, I was not happy when she got pregnant either time. But I still showed up how I could. I understand that she also needed emotional excitement, agreement, and reassurance from me during those pregnancies and i didn’t show up there fully. So when she says that I “didn’t want either pregnancy,” or as she phrases it during arguments, “didn’t want our children,” I understand where some of that hurt comes from.

However, while the pregnancies were less than ideal, and the second one significantly affected how we settled during that phase of life, I was still there every step of the way. I painted cribs, prepared the house, attended appointments, was there for the deliveries, and she often recounts how great of a father I am. So I struggle to understand why the first and second trimesters are outweighing the years of love, care, time, and attention I’ve given to her and our children since then.

She gets really angry about this sometimes and says I don’t care. She has threatened things like going to a sperm bank or saying, “If I decide to make a rash decision, I hope you can understand.” At times, it almost feels like there is a world where this marriage could fail because I don’t agree to another child.

I told her we should try couples counseling because clearly these conversations and arguments are not healthy and are not getting anywhere. She says she knows how she feels and does not need intervention.

I don’t like this for us. How did you or would you navigate this?

edit:

Thanks for providing your insight on my last and this post. Also, I’m really trying to be careful to frame this in a balanced way because honestly she is a great mother and has been a very supportive wife generally. I just wanted to make sure this is not a case of me crapping on her here. Moreso, seeking comments on how persons have worked through similar things.

Hi all,

Mom of two amazing kids, two and a half year old high-energy daughter and an almost one year old very chill son. Haven't been able to stop thinking about whether we should have a third since my son was born (which feels very unfair to him...). Husband is already north of 40 and I'll be at least 38 by the time we had a third. We are very certain that we wouldn't want a fourth, and that we don't want to wait much longer to have a third (don't want to prolong the young child phase or get any older.)

Pros of a third kid: We have a lot of love to give, our self-employment situations are very permissive of children and spending time with them, financially not a concern, (aging) family in the area who helps, the strong sense that there's someone missing still. Could get my tubes removed during my third C.

Cons:

-We both have ADHD, which we're only just starting to get managed with meds (that I would likely choose to go off of during pregnancy just in case, which would be rough). A third would really strain our coping mechanisms.

-I have an amazing career opportunity that I've spent the last five years working towards that is going to mean several tight deadlines in the next few years, which combined with going off of meds + baby chaos would be insane.

-Baby has 50/50 chance of inheriting a painful genetic condition that I have that both kids so far have dodged. (edit: this is a non-life-threatening condition managed with avoidance/lifestyle adjustments....limits some life activities and is probably its most difficult in childhood because kids don't yet understand those limits)

-A lot of neurospiciness on both sides of the family, strong likelihood of it manifesting in a third kid especially at our older ages and we quite frankly don't have the spoons to care for someone with high support needs. (This and the previous one are possibly the biggest cons for us...that ol' roll of the dice...)

-Husband worries about how old he'll be when a third is a teenager.

-The usual cons: house better suited for a family of four, would need a new car, etc.

-Public schools around here are not good/have gone down the Teacher YouTube path, and while we really hope something will change in the next few years to make public school work, homeschooling or private school for three kids is a lot in time or money costs.

-Aging parents who by passing would not only remove our village but also blow up our lives with their own complicated situations.

-Been lucky with my first two pregnancies not to have any long lasting health problems, and a third (with a third C section) could break that streak.

-I already don't have time for exercise and taking care of myself, a third would make that worse.

When I list them all out, the cons would seem to win out, but it's so hard to shake the desire for a third and the fear of future regret. We have a very very good life with two amazing kids right now, and I hate this feeling of trying to mitigate future regret against the odds of a third kid destabilizing us entirely. Husband I think is fine with either 2 or 3 -- he thinks life is manageable and good with 2 and fears the destabilization or a high-needs child with 3, but also wants more kids.

Hey so I always wanted 2 kids since before I can remember. When my husband and I got together, he said he never saw himself with kids until he got with me. I said definitely 2 and mayyyyybe 3. He said 1 maybe 2. So we had 2. Age gap is veryyyy important to me - I want my kids going through the same life stages together for emotional and financial reasons.

Now: our kids just turned 1 and 3. I do not want to go back on birth control. I don’t want to f* up my hormones. A vasectomy is nothing compared to the stitches I had to get pushing out his giant ass babies let alone the equivalent pain of one menstrual period.

Now he won’t sign the papers. He’s worried about gods plan. He’s more religious than I. I’m starting to think about going back to school for my masters when the kids get into school. I’ve been a stay at home mom the last year. I want to build a solid career so I can buy us a house where the kids can have their own rooms, a big backyard, and a summer vacation.

He doesn’t want another kid. But he thinks a vasectomy is against gods design.

Now we don’t have sex anymore. Do you guys think:

1. He does want another kid but won’t admit it (his family would disapprove, finances, strain on my career path, etc.)

2. He is okay with another kid because “gods design”

3. I should suck it up and get an IUD

4. I should just sign his papers and turn them in and schedule and appointment because he never will

5. Just have another kid lol

Maybe it’s regional, but I literally don’t know any adult who isn’t taking care of an elderly parent at this stage of life. Most have siblings or aunts/uncles to share the work load with, but no one is like “yeah my mom is 88 and I haven’t seen her in a few years.”

Who are these people??? This is just unchecked and irrational cynicism.

My husband (44M) and I (40F) are very lucky to have two healthy, wonderful little boys (5 and almost 2). I know how fortunate we are, and I never want to sound ungrateful for the family we already have.
But I’m struggling with something I can’t seem to move past emotionally.
I’ve always imagined having a bigger family. If it were entirely up to me, I’d probably have four children, though realistically I think I would feel very happy with three. My husband, however, feels completely done at two. He says he’s exhausted, feels older now, and is looking forward to getting some freedom back as the kids grow up. He’s very firm that he does not want another child.
The hard part is that logically I understand his position. We started having children later, parenting young kids is intense, and he’s allowed to feel the way he feels. He’s a good dad and a good husband. He isn’t being cruel about it, he’s just very certain.
But emotionally, I feel a real sense of grief at the idea that I may never have another baby. It feels less like a “preference” and more like something deeply instinctive or biological that I can’t switch off. I look at families with three or four children and feel a genuine ache. I think about future family dinners, siblings growing up together, Christmases years from now and I feel sadness that our family may already be complete when I don’t feel ready for it to be.
I think part of what’s difficult is that there’s no real compromise on this issue. One person ultimately gets the life they wanted, and the other has to let go of something deeply important to them.
I’m not looking for ways to pressure or convince him. I know a child has to be a “two yes” decision. I think I’m just trying to understand whether anyone else has been through this. Did you eventually make peace with it? And in any cases, did your partner ever genuinely change their mind with time?

My husband and I have a 9 year old. We live in the US. We will both be turning 30 this year. We have a 1400sq ft house that is a major fixer upper, but we live in a high cost of living area, decent homes are $450k+).

We both work full time, I am a nurse and he is a mechanic, we make a combined income of about $135k. We are comfortable. However, cost of childcare would quickly make us not so comfy.

I want to be able to go on vacations/travel every few years. My husband wants to build and open his own garage. We would like a nicer home. These are things that would financially be incredibly more difficult if we were to have a second child.

My friends have recently had their first kids, and it is making me think having another wouldn’t be so bad. I mean, the hard part isn’t FOREVER, and we’d have the rest of our lives to reach those goals. On the other hand, we have worked really hard to put ourselves in a better position and want to enjoy our hard work.

Tell me all your cons.

Hi! 👋

I’m looking for advice, or suggestions for anyone that’s been in a similar spot!

I have 2 beautiful girls. One is almost 4 and the other will be 1 shortly. I had trouble conceiving with both kids. My 4 year old took us almost a year and my second daughter about 9 months. We almost did the infertility route, but likely I was able to get pregnant naturally. Back then, my hormones were tested and my AMH was on the low end of normal, I believe it was 1.01. My husbands sperm test was great, but his morphology was low.

After I’ve had my second daughter. Both my husband and I have talked about having a third, and how we can see ourselves not being done. It seems like things are getting easier with my almost 4 year old being independent and my 1 year old transitioning to no more formula, and daycare expenses easing up soon. We have been not using protection with the idea of if it happens it was meant to be, and clearly be happy about it.

However the idea of 3 does scare me but I’m also okay with it if it makes sense? I really could love another baby, and I feel in a way our family isn’t complete. However on the other end, I feel like if I close this door, I could eventually be okay with stopping. How do you make the decision? Is it normal to have all these back and forth feelings?

I’m 37, so time isn’t always on my side 🫠

Hi folks,
I want to preface my post by saying I understand (and completely agree with!!) the following: (1) if it’s not two enthusiastic yeses, it’s a no, and (2) there is no such thing as trying to convince someone to have a(nother) child- it’s something they have to come to/want on their own (see (1)!)

My husband and I have been together over ten years. At first we thought we would remains child free, and then decided (together, without any coercion of any sort by one or the other) to indeed have a child- and that we would be one and done.

We ended up struggling with infertility and are so incredibly lucky to have been able to access IVF and now have an amazing miracle baby. Unfortunately, my labor/delivery was pretty traumatic (baby and I both almost died). My husband struggled with postpartum depression afterwards, at least partly (although likely not wholly) from the birth trauma.

I was very shocked to find that even through everything (formerly not thinking I wanted kids at all, to wanting one and only one, followed by the birth trauma), I’ve started to think about maybe I would want one more. Now, this is a loaded proposition, because we might be one and done due to further infertility issues (we have a couple of embryos left but there’s a good possibility the transfers won’t work), due to financial constraints, etc etc etc.

But all of that aside…my husband has made comments that he continues to be one and done. Realistically, if we were even to try again, we would be looking at a 3-4 year age gap (this would be due to finances alone, let alone everything else, even if we were both on board with having a second child).

As I said above, I would NEVER, EVER try to convince my husband to feel differently- not my place, not my right.
But My question is, for those who WERE one and done and changed their minds, what was your experience/timeline? I’m particular interested in those who identity as men/non-birthing partners, especially if you had a tough time in the postpartum period like me husband did, but of course, any and all perspectives welcome. Thank you for reading and wishing clarity for all those questioning!

I’m 38 and currently stuck in a cycle of indecision that I’m hoping to get some outside perspective on. My son is 14, and my husband (35) is his stepdad. My husband is wonderful and is truly happy either way and he’s content with our life now, but open to another if that’s what I want.

I feel completely torn 50/50, and I’m struggling to figure out what’s best for our family.

The "Pros" / Why I’m considering it:

I spent my 20s raising my son and often wish I’d had a second one sooner so they could grow up together. I feel a pull to experience motherhood again now that I’m more established and have a great partner.

I see people around me having babies now, and it triggers a "now or never" feeling.

I love the idea of my son having a sibling, even with a large gap, for the long-term future.

-im worried my family will feel too small when I'm older

The "Cons" / Why I’m hesitant:

My son is 14 and is becoming independent. I missed out on a lot of travel and "carefree" experiences in my 20s because I was a young mom. My 40s could finally be the time for my husband and me to do those things.

Starting over means another 18+ years of active parenting just as I’m reaching a "freedom" milestone.

I’m worried about the impact on my son. I don’t want to take away from his final years at home or change his life in a way that he might resent.

My main questions for the group:

For those with a 10+ year age gap, how did it affect your oldest child? Did they enjoy the "big sibling" role, or did they feel pushed aside? Or maybe you yourself had this experience growing up

If you chose the "freedom" route in your 40s, do you regret not having that second child?

How do you distinguish between "baby fever" and a genuine desire to grow the family?

I’m trying to be as unbiased as possible because I truly see the beauty in both paths. Any insight would be appreciated.

I have heard many people are scared to have number 2 in regards to how it would affect number 1s life. Thats me! I would love another baby, I feel like I have so much love to give BUT my current child is my everything. What if she’s absolutely miserable because of a sibling? I see parents at the park who can’t help one kid because another one needs something. What if they absolutely hate each other? If my children hated each other would they hate me too because I’d love them both so much? A bit of a spiral but I am 80/20 on wanting another and this 20% is making me have second thoughts! I’m an only child so I have no clue how these dynamics frequently play out. Age gap would be 3-4 years

I have one child. We love him to bits and I love being a mom.

We’re at the point where we are considering having another child. My husband has said before I got pregnant with my son that he’ll likely only want one child. I was open to that, although (as many other people) always kinda imagined having two children.

My husband has 3 siblings and I have one. He’s close with one of this brothers, but not with his other two. He has a really rough childhood (abuse and neglect by his mom, dad in and out of his life) and doesn’t really see the value in family support - since he’s never really experienced it. He says he’s closer to his friends than he is to his family, and doesn’t see having additional children as being support for our son down the line.

I love my brother and we are pretty close. Sometimes I worry we’d be doing my son a disservice by giving him a smaller (but potentially stronger) immediate family by not having more children.

I daydream of being pregnant again, I love looking at old photos of my son and seeing how much he’s grown. I imagine him being an amazing big brother and them playing and having fun growing up.

Logically I can’t get past the “pros” of only having one child… financially, emotional capacity, more sleep (our son has never been a great sleeper), not having to worry about being fair, being able to focus resources on only one child, still having time for my career and marriage….

Just wondering what other peoples thoughts are objectively on my situation. My husband is leaning towards being one and done, and of course we both need to be on board.

Thanks all!

I have two daughters (4 and 1). The first was a slightly rough sleeper, but after about 18 months things smoothed out. The second: an actual hellscape shit show dumpster fire nightmare of a sleeper. I mean, this is the stuff that horror movies are made of. The impact this has had on me and also my family has been enough to make my partner say “fuck no” to another baby. I am almost there, but I just really feel so much grief over making that decision, especially right now when we are in the pits of hell. I know this isn’t forever, even though I truly don’t know how I’d do this again. My question is, if you had a terrible sleeper, did it deter you from having or wanting another? Did you ever change your mind once you came out of it? And was your next baby, if you had one, a better or worse sleeper (I know there’s no way to predict this)?

ETA: this is our primary reason for not having another baby.

Practically, logically speaking, I know the right choice is to have one child. We have limited space, finances, I have severe mental health issues, my husband is struggling with physical issues, our village is getting older with more health problems, I don't know if I could pull off the incredibly difficult newborn stage all over again. But for some crazy reason a part of me longs for another child. There's no logic. It's just a feeling. A strong feeling though. I want to in a way "make amends" for being in such a dark place with my son his first year. I want to do it all over again in a much more present state of mind. Sometimes I feel I only have capacity for my one precious boy, but sometimes I feel I could love just one more. But my logic brain says no way it's going to work. It's a little tortuous for me, I think about this often. It's difficult for me to set it aside and think about it later, because it's so important to me and my brain is constantly seeking for resolution.

Is there anyone who resonates with some of this, how did you set the thoughts aside or come up with a plan? I kind of feel like I'm winging it all with no clear plan.

I have an almost 3 year old boy. Now that he’s sleeping through the night, I’m really feeling the strong urge to have a second. I want to give my son a sibling. The problem is I just really can’t see myself having a girl after having my boy. I feel like I can’t even picture it. I really can even say that I wouldn’t want to have another unless it’s a boy , which I know obviously is impossible to predict unless I do some type of IVF. I’ve always been the tom-boy ish so my son and I are like peas in a pod. Im not even sure I would know how to be a “girl mom”… am I wrong for having these feelings?

Obviously I would never want to bring an innocent child in the world that wasn’t “wanted” or preferred so I’m thinking to just not even have a second at all. Why do I feel like this? Before I had my son I was equally excited either way but now that I have my boy I just don’t see myself ever having a girl. Has anyone else felt like this?

I feel terrible even typing this knowing that so many people struggle to conceive period

I apologize in advance, this is a long post. I am giving as much context as possible, because it really matters to this decision.

My partner (43M) and I (41F) have been together for 14 years, and have one son.
We're in Canada. We always knew we wanted kids, more than one.
We're doing well financially. We both have demanding jobs (mentally).

Our son is currently 2 and a half years old. He's awesome. He's curious, has lots of energy, is very playful, and so damn cute.

We adore him, but we're also tired (who isn't).

It took 6 years to have our son from the moment we started trying. I had several miscarriages, and had to be referred to an infertility specialist and go through a battery of tests. I did not have a great pregnancy (in my opinion). I was nauseated and vomited for half of it, tried medications but they made me so drowsy I could not be productive at work so I stopped.

My birthing experience was very decent, I would say. Breastfeeding worked out, but I was exhausted and overwhelmed by how much it made my baby dependent on me. I was hoping dad could take care of him at least a little bit in order for me to rest, but he just didn't want anyone else but me — and I always assumed breastfeeding did not help with that (though I kept going because I'm aware of all the benefits).

I was so sleep deprived that I was hallucinating (carpet patterns turning into lizards, really fun). Basically, postpartum was not great at all, but I guess I was kidding myself if I ever thought it would go smoothly.

I eventually gave in to co-sleeping (judge if you want, I don't care)-best decision I ever made. Baby was about 7 months old and my parental leave was ending at 9 months. I really needed to recuperate. Co-sleeping worked wonders.

My partner and I tried discussing a second child every once in a while, because... let's face it, the clock is ticking, on my end anyway. I was also always very clear to him that I was 100% down for a second, if he also was 100% down with it.

Our discussion always kind of ended with the idea that it might be better for our mental health to remain OAD, like it was the best of both worlds: have the experience of parenting, have enough energy to deeply enjoy it, but also have enough energy for other things like hobbies and career-things that give us purpose and identity outside of parenting (which is super healthy in our opinion).

We were feeling like ourselves again, like we had finally figured out parenting, like we had finally found our footing in our new role as parents and had finally accepted and enjoyed how it changed everything in our lives. Let's not even talk about how much energy it takes to break generational trauma—it's honestly not marginal.

We never shut the door though, sitting in the fencesitting phase, I guess. Deeply, I always felt like that was a bit of a selfish decision for me (I'm really not trying to pass judgment on people who choose to remain OAD and are happy with their decision).

The question remained unanswered... would we regret not making the energy and time sacrifice to experience having another child? We simply cannot answer that question, we tried.

Fast forward to right before last Christmas, my partner had a very sudden onset of GBS. From one day to the next, literally, he was in critical care, paralyzed from the shoulders down, and for a few days, we weren't sure if he was going to pull through. He remained hospitalized for a few months and is still dealing with the after-effects. He's still receiving specialized outpatient care (PT and OT) and hasn't yet returned to work. He's overall doing okay, but struggles with energy, muscle fatigue and anxiety. Prognosis is full recovery, though it could take a while.

Maybe you can see where this is going... but the second he was conscious again, he mentioned that he really thinks we are missing out if we don't have another child. Priorities shifted, I guess? What's a few years of sacrifice (mental health and fatigue) to get to see another child grow? (If I'm being fully transparent, there's a tiny part of me who'd also like a redo at postpartum, but I know that's not at all realistic and probably a shitty reason to have another child).

We'd obviously have to wait until he was back to 100%, if ever. But I'm 41 and even if I got pregnant now, I'd give birth at 42... so the longer I wait, the longer we're in a difficult position, energy wise. I'd also have to go back to the fertility clinic and figure out if everything is still working well, which I don't know how long the wait would be at this point.

Soooo, after reading our parenting life story, any insights, lived experience? Anything? I really need to bounce ideas, in my head at least.

Hi everyone,
I’m currently 34 (turning 35 soon) and I find myself at a crossroads. I always wanted a large family (3 kids). I had my first at 29 and my second at 30 – they are only 18 months apart. They are incredibly close, almost like twins in their development. They will start primary school only one year apart (2027 and 2028).

However, I’ve never been able to let go of the wish for a third child. I’ve hesitated for years due to health issues (prolapse because of second birth), but the desire just won't go away. If I were to get pregnant now, the baby would be born in early 2027.

I have a few major concerns I’d love some perspective on:

1. The Age Gap & Social Dynamic: My first two are "a unit." I’m worried the 3rd child would grow up feeling like an only child because the gap to the siblings is about 5-7 years. For those who have this gap: Does the 3rd child feel left out? Or is it a blessing because the older ones are more independent?
2. Parenting Style: Right now, our kids have the same interests and abilities. We can focus on one "stage" at a time. With a newborn, we’d be starting all over while the big ones are starting school. Is the mental load of such different stages manageable?
3. Health Risks: I have a prolapse and suffered significantly from sciatica/nerve issues (only) in my previous pregnancies. I’m scared of the physical toll. Has anyone here navigated a 3rd pregnancy with a pre-existing prolapse or chronic nerve pain?
4. Financial/Career Timing: I was recently laid off and will be unemployed starting June. If I get pregnant now, my maternity benefits would be quite low. The alternative is waiting until I have a new job, which would be better for my career but means I’d be even older and the age gap even worse.

I feel like my heart says "yes" but my brain is listing a thousand reasons to say "no."

Did any of you have a 3rd child with a 5+year gap to the older (2) ones? Was it the right choice? And how did you handle the physical or financial stress?
Thanks for reading!

My fiancé pulled out but we are pregnant with our second. I got back from doctor appointment when told the news

How do I tell my partner

We have a 3 year old he loves but not sure he will love starting again. He loves me but worried his reaction and our future

I am 38. had my first at 36. Difficult birth, unplanned c section, and difficult recovery that required more healing time (2-3 mo) than is the typical.

Our LO was a terrible sleeper the first year, but now he’s great. But he also developed that quintessential difficult toddler personality with many meltdowns and screaming every day. He is also very high energy and needs a lot of body movement play. So with one chapter closed another opened there.

On top of all this my husband and I have very tight finances. We live in a small 1br apt in a high COL city. We’re trying to figure out moving into something bigger this year. I think we can just barely make it work if we find the right place.

The caveat with all this: my older family members have been telling me for the past few years, and even recently, that a large inheritance is expected to be gifted to me, from a grandparent who is 96. This money they have told me about would really resolve our current financial struggles.

Then there’s the daycare. Because of this city we live in, it’s just so much. We pay $2500/mo. With 2 kids it would become 5k a month. I know I could just quit my job, and raise them at home and it would be more affordable. The downside to this idea is that my toddler loves his school and we do too. He learns so much there. It would be hard for me to entertain him all day. One compromise I considered is just doing daycare part time. But without my job it would be hard to cover the cost. I’d have to get a part time job, and that still probably wouldn’t cover it. But maybe that’s the best option.

I also don’t know why I yearn for a second. Is it purely hormonal? We struggle to get through each day with our 21 month old. He is a demanding little guy. But he is adorable and so cute, and it’s hard to imagine never going through all these ages again just one more time.

Knowing we have a financial safety net that could fix our struggles later down the line- would you take the plunge? We would have to probably dig into our savings to make a second work right now with what we currently have.

But then we are just so tired raising one! I go back and forth. What would you do?