Really split on a third kid...
Hi all,
Mom of two amazing kids, two and a half year old high-energy daughter and an almost one year old very chill son. Haven't been able to stop thinking about whether we should have a third since my son was born (which feels very unfair to him...). Husband is already north of 40 and I'll be at least 38 by the time we had a third. We are very certain that we wouldn't want a fourth, and that we don't want to wait much longer to have a third (don't want to prolong the young child phase or get any older.)
Pros of a third kid: We have a lot of love to give, our self-employment situations are very permissive of children and spending time with them, financially not a concern, (aging) family in the area who helps, the strong sense that there's someone missing still. Could get my tubes removed during my third C.
Cons:
-We both have ADHD, which we're only just starting to get managed with meds (that I would likely choose to go off of during pregnancy just in case, which would be rough). A third would really strain our coping mechanisms.
-I have an amazing career opportunity that I've spent the last five years working towards that is going to mean several tight deadlines in the next few years, which combined with going off of meds + baby chaos would be insane.
-Baby has 50/50 chance of inheriting a painful genetic condition that I have that both kids so far have dodged. (edit: this is a non-life-threatening condition managed with avoidance/lifestyle adjustments....limits some life activities and is probably its most difficult in childhood because kids don't yet understand those limits)
-A lot of neurospiciness on both sides of the family, strong likelihood of it manifesting in a third kid especially at our older ages and we quite frankly don't have the spoons to care for someone with high support needs. (This and the previous one are possibly the biggest cons for us...that ol' roll of the dice...)
-Husband worries about how old he'll be when a third is a teenager.
-The usual cons: house better suited for a family of four, would need a new car, etc.
-Public schools around here are not good/have gone down the Teacher YouTube path, and while we really hope something will change in the next few years to make public school work, homeschooling or private school for three kids is a lot in time or money costs.
-Aging parents who by passing would not only remove our village but also blow up our lives with their own complicated situations.
-Been lucky with my first two pregnancies not to have any long lasting health problems, and a third (with a third C section) could break that streak.
-I already don't have time for exercise and taking care of myself, a third would make that worse.
When I list them all out, the cons would seem to win out, but it's so hard to shake the desire for a third and the fear of future regret. We have a very very good life with two amazing kids right now, and I hate this feeling of trying to mitigate future regret against the odds of a third kid destabilizing us entirely. Husband I think is fine with either 2 or 3 -- he thinks life is manageable and good with 2 and fears the destabilization or a high-needs child with 3, but also wants more kids.