She wants a fourth pt 2.
Hi everyone, my wife (32) and I (27) have three kids, but my wife wants a fourth and I’m at my limit.
If time allows, I’m going to ask you to please skim my post from 7 months ago about this so this post doesn’t become too long. This is essentially an update 7 months later.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ParentingInBulk/comments/1og6kc8/comment/nly4s74/?context=3&sort=new
If you didn’t check the previous post out, the TLDR is:
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“TLDR: My wife strongly wants a fourth child and feels like our family doesn’t feel complete yet, while I feel genuinely stretched already with three kids and worry about the impact another child could have on our finances, stress levels, time together, overall quality of life, and most importantly, the emotional attention and care I’m able to give the three children we already have. I met her and her daughter and we started a life together when I was in my late teens and she was in her early twenties. It meant becoming a father before I was really an adult, but I accepted that because I always imagined that by our late 30s or 40s we’d finally get the phase of life together that we missed in our younger years. So at 27, going on 28, the idea of starting over again feels overwhelming to me.
She deeply grieves the idea of being done having children and claims she wants to give me a girl. I keep telling her that her daughter counts as my girl. She already gave me two boys who are complete mama’s boys. We can’t guarantee gender, and honestly, I personally think I would struggle emotionally if we had another boy. I’m afraid of agreeing to something I don’t feel mentally or emotionally prepared for. The situation has become a sticking point and is negatively impacting the relationship. Although I’ve suggested couples counseling, she currently isn’t open to it.”
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So that was the situation 7 months ago, and essentially it continues to be the situation now.
If anything, she is even more adamant about having another one. She came off the IUD around the time of my last post, yet still does not want me using protection with her. So if we are intimate, I’ve been relying on the withdrawal method.
Additionally, one of the recurring arguments she makes is that “I didn’t want the two that I had with her.” Her first child’s dad also left when she got pregnant, so she feels like she has never had a “pregnancy to remember.”
I can speak to the two instances with me. Neither pregnancy was planned. One happened right after we got married, and the other happened 2 to 3 years later. Remember, she already had a daughter, so I wasn’t in a rush to have another child. I was hoping to finish my degree, stabilize our lives, and then let those things come naturally. Clearly, I wasn’t responsible enough, and she got pregnant. Because I was disappointed in myself and overwhelmed by the situation, I was less than joyful during the first and second trimesters, and at times I was emotionally unavailable or even mean. I’m guessing that became a turning point for her emotionally.
The other pregnancy happened right before a major life transition for us. I finished inside her, and she insisted she was not taking Plan B because she had already told me she didn’t like what it was doing to her body. I bought it, and she didn’t take it. Needless to say, trying to settle, find work, adjust to a completely new phase of life, and prepare for a baby at the same time was not what I wanted. Still, I do take accountability for my role in that second pregnancy.
And yes, I was not happy when she got pregnant either time. But I still showed up in every way possible. I understand that she also needed emotional excitement, agreement, and reassurance from me during those pregnancies. So when she says that I “didn’t want either pregnancy,” or as she phrases it during arguments, “didn’t want our children,” I understand where some of that hurt comes from.
However, while the pregnancies were less than ideal, and the second one significantly affected how we settled during that phase of life, I was still there every step of the way. I painted cribs, prepared the house, attended appointments, was there for the deliveries, and she often recounts how great of a father I am. So I struggle to understand why the first and second trimesters are outweighing the years of love, care, time, and attention I’ve given to her and our children since then.
She gets really angry about this sometimes and says I don’t care. She has threatened things like going to a sperm bank or saying, “If I decide to make a rash decision, I hope you can understand.” At times, it almost feels like there is a world where this marriage could fail because I don’t agree to another child.
I told her we should try couples counseling because clearly these conversations and arguments are not healthy and are not getting anywhere. She says she knows how she feels and does not need intervention.
I don’t like this for us.