Title.
Seems to me and others in my circle that people have met someone (through halal means ofc) who seemingly checked off every box, yet for some reason or another it did not work out and they are left despairing that they won't find someone like that again. For those who have married, or know people who are married, what was your experience?
You have to do ghusl after, but also, assuming you don’t want to go to your wife while smelling, you have to shower beforehand. So you’re showering twice, plus if you showered in the morning.
assalamualikum guys, random question
how do you guys plan to spoil your wife when she comes?
I was thinking maybe like a wardrobe shelf full of leopard hijabs and a new abaya every month
will probably delete this post ngl
Assalamuaikum everyone, I hope your all well
I was just having a random 3am thought which I would like to share with you guys.
I feel like I want Allah to grant me someone with the characteristics of my mum. I honestly think she is the best woman I know, im not a mummy boys trust me im just saying this genuinely.
In terms of intelligence and understanding as well as being a strong person. I guess when my mum got married she went through some emotional abuse from my father (never physical though) which was mainly down to sending money to back home, she still put us first and coped by praying to Allah. Alhamdullilah my dad has always been a good father and realised his mistakes and is much better. By strong here, I dont mean being able to withstand abuse , but you guys get what I mean.
But it does really make me think, I feel like finding someone with characteristics like my mum will be harder. im not sure how to explain it but yeah i feel like my mum is exceptional when it comes to certain characteristics.
Should it really be this complicated? I don’t even want anything crazy; I just want to care about someone, to feel safe with them, to be held and understood. But it feels like there are so many rules, so many restrictions, so many “not allowed” moments that make something so human feel impossible.
I genuinely feel like I’m stuck between space where I’m trying to resist temptation, but at the same time suppressing completely normal feelings. And it’s getting exhausting.
I don’t even talk about this openly because I feel like people will judge or just say “be patient” but it’s not that simple when you’re actually living it.
It’s getting harder to ignore the desire for connection, the simple need to be close to someone. Idk how people wait until their 30s to get married.
Asalam. I am now 25. Me and my wife have been married for almost 2 years. Now don’t get me wrong we have a really good marriage however everyone has downsides my wife constantly complains every time I come home from work about how hard her day was and she had to do the dishes (we have a dishwasher) she had to wash the clothes (we have a washing machine and a dryer) she complains about having to make food everyday when that was our agreement. In my head when I come back from work I have such a hard time having sympathy for her as there is only 2 of us how hard can it really be the only valid argument she has is ironing because there isn’t a shortcut for that but again there is only us 2 she has a nice slow schedule, a lie in, she goes to her parents house. She isn’t doing anything strenuous. Whereas I had a long day at work and already can’t be bothered and then I have to listen to this.
We have been on maybe 4 holidays 2 that were sight seeing and 2 relaxing ones. Now her recent issue as of late is that my family and me are surprising my 2 brothers with a holiday since they are due to finish their degrees soon. My wife has been non stop complaining that she wants to have a sleep over at her aunts house with her cousins and she wants to stay at her families home also. So I said she can go stay when we go on the holiday or they can come to our house since I’ll be gone (she visits her family every other day).
She was upset that she wouldn’t have been invited on the trip now on one hand I get it but on the other she’s very strict about non mahram and mahrams and the whole trip is going to be about the non mahrams (to her) so it’s just easier to not have her there. When I told her that she says you’re just using it against me when I’m not + it will make my brothers feel awkward if she’s around as again them being non mahram works both ways.
I am in need of some help as she says I don’t travel enough with her when I do the 2 sight seeing trips we went on (one was her idea and she complained the whole trip) and one was my idea.
Asalam Alaykum, for the past 3 years I was in a non halal relationship with a woman, I had every intention on making it halal but my iman and I guess her iman was also low not that it’s an excuse it’s just the truth. We had our fair share of issues throughout the course of the relationship which led to constant “breakups” and get back together. Recently she discovered my addiction regarding pornography Onlyfans even as far as me searching up escorts (nothing physical ever happened but none the less it is wrong and disgusting) in a way I see it as a test from Allah that got me out of a non halal relationship and for both of us to get closer to him on our own accord. I’m going to say something for all the brothers, even though I wasn’t married and she wasn’t my wife but wallahi the pain and hurt I caused to someone I deeply cared about traumatised me in a good way in the sense that I know it’s something I need to overcome for when I get married in the future to a potential spouse. It’s fascinating to myself that I really never saw it to be a major issue especially living in a westernised country where it is so normalised but none the less it is a brain residing disease. Wallahi brothers I am not the most religious but this really has opened my eyes up to navigating this as an adult and has also brought me closer to Allah but please if you are going to get married sort this out first IT IS NOT FAIR to any women especially one that fears Allah and has saved herself for marriage to have this be kept from her or have this traumatise her. We are men, but there is no shame in going to a therapist and having this overcome, set aside the ego set aside the macho “I’m a man and I have urges” I’m also a man I understand more then anyone else but after seeing the damage I have caused to someone wallahi let it fear you.
This is a very emotionally charged post I understand but please please take my word for it
Jazak Allah kheirhun and may Allah guide and forgive us
Hi everyone, i wasn't sure where to post this but i had a question.
Me and this boy in my class really like eachother. And have for a couple of months now. The problem is that we're young (15 and 16) and we're both muslim. Which means we are way too young to marry. I am not sure how to move from here. His parents allow him to have a girlfriend but i'm not sure about anything because a relationship is haram. Does anyone have any experience or tips on how to move forward from here? I would really appreciate it!
Salamalaikum and sorry everyone, but I really need to vent.
When I started my journey to Islam 2 years ago, I had just turned 18. Call me naive but I thought reverting would be fun, I thought it would be awesome to really follow what I believe in, I thought that I would make heaps of friends, I thought that I would join a warm and safe community. But it has been far from that.
I’m constantly seen as an “other”, constantly being treated as like I’m an idiot or that I don’t know anything. Constantly being told stuff that I know is 100% wrong. Constantly being told to ignore parts of the Quran because some random obscure Hadith says otherwise.
I feel as though I’m too white to be Muslim and too Muslim to be white. People say “there’s no colour and judgment in Islam” but that is just a lie. I’m constantly having to recite prayers in a language I don’t understand, constantly having to put up with people looking and talking about me in another language. Sure, some people act nice around me, but their eyes betray the truth.
I’m sick of my sisters in Islam either completely avoiding me or leading me on into false hope. Saying stuff like “I’ve always wanted to marry a revert” only for 2 weeks later they have a “proper Muslim”.
I’m sick of being fetishised and mistreated because of my skin. Sick of being told to “go with the other reverts” because no Muslim wants to include me in their community
Salam, I've never been married nor have kids, but I was thinking of being completely childless even after marriage- even if im capable of having them.
I know a lot of men want kids after marriage, and my chances of finding a man who doesn't kids is extremely slim, but i do not see the appeal at all in bearing a child and giving birth; seeing my body going through so much- having potential of death or risks that can linger on in my life after birth. Then having to juggle the responsibility of children as a mother whilst also being a wife to my husband- that seems so exhausting. I have so much respect for women who go through birth and have the ability to take care of kids, like warriors.
On top of that, I have heavy fear of marrying a man who may be violent. I've grown up around violence even as a muslim from my father- his love goes beyond expectations and i love him a lot, but his emotions are unstable. Whenever things happen- sometimes it is my fault- he always makes the excuse that IM the one pushing for him to hit me or have his voice echo outside the house. However, my mother is a VERY strong woman. She's put up with my dad for more than 2 decades and subhanallah she's changed him throughout the years- even though he's violent at times- he's a way better person in other aspects. She works & takes care of the kids, our health, our info/bills, and other things. She is the reason I still have hope in life. My dad cant really do anything by himself- *kind* of like a man child, he only ever lectures us on Islam and being a good muslim (ironically, he rarely prays or reads quran himself other than playing it on the TV). So when I see that there are marriages/families that don't have violence and still live in peace; I think to myself, "Is that really possible?" I feel like i wouldn't be as strong as my mother, let alone live a life like that around my dad where im still deciding to this day how I should balance my fear & love for him.
I also fear men who think that doing work alone and not being around the house to help is fine...Or being a muslim woman who has grown up in america and having many interests/ambitions and being adventurous; like art, traveling, being expressive/social, trying new things, having my own work life..etc. Then seeing muslim men want a 'traditional wife' and a woman who has 'hayyah' and is quiet and peaceful, I feel like I have better opportunities with non-muslim men than muslim men themselves. (Though i'll never go towards that path).
I’ve been thinking about something I keep seeing here and wanted to get people’s perspectives.
On one hand, I often hear that “the bar is low” meaning once a man is talking to a woman, a lot of negative traits appear.
E.g “The bar is low” because the only people you even consider are those who already meet a set criteria.
But on the other hand, **getting to that stage is a hurdle itself**. There’s a strong initial filter (looks, vibe, social proof, etc.), especially on apps or in more formal marriage settings. So a lot of men might not even get the chance to demonstrate those “low bar” qualities.
Assalamu alaikum guys, I hope you're all well. I've tried using Muzz and Salams and have had no success (been quite tragic actually lol). I was wondering if there are other methods aside from family connections?
Salam. I am recently looking for a house to buy as it is time to upsize for me and my family. Now I have a decent amount saved but we desperately need to move. I am going to borrow off of my uncle as he told me when the time comes to borrow from him because he can let me pay it off in more time. Now my wife from her previous career before we had kids and before she met me she had a good amount of money saved up. She kept offering for me to use her money but I always turned her down. Then out of nowhere when I said I was borrowing from my uncle it became a massive argument about her saying I think she’s inferior compared to me and that’s why I won’t borrow off of her which isn’t the case. I have no issue with my wife. I just don’t want to owe her money that’s all I don’t see her as lower than me or anything.
This deeply upset her to the point where she has been ignoring me for 2 weeks only when she HAS to talk to me she will talk to me. I’ve tried to have a talk with her multiple times and speak with her but every time I am just met with distance which makes me feel quite uncomfortable. When her family comes over to my house she makes silly remarks and says stuff like he doesn’t like it when a woman does what a man is meant to do. I just laugh it off as if it is a joke but she’s causing a serious problem now.
I tried to speak to her at one point and she just kept saying I’m going to buy my own house as if it is out of spite because I don’t want her money. She can do what she likes with her money but none of it concerns me. She tries to tease me In front of her brothers by telling them to look for houses within her budget and they turn around and say aren’t you looking for a bigger house (it’s known that we are looking to upsize) and then it just gets awkward.
She is just making herself look very silly and I’m not sure how to go forward.
EDIT: the reason I don’t want to borrow the money from her is she’s very wishy washy she’ll let me borrow but then later on she’ll say I could’ve done this by now but instead I chose to do this for you etc etc. When she does me favours she’ll hold them over my head for the next few years. That’s one of the reasons I don’t want to borrow from her. It’s a minor issue but it gets very annoying.
Before I explain what a complicated, odd person I am in today’s generation, I’d first like to ask everyone here if older women (29+) can imagine marrying a Muslim man in his early to mid-20s.
Of course, there are people my age with whom I can have deep, meaningful conversations. But in my experience, I get along better with “older” people.
My husband and I have been together since we were 16 years old and we are now 35. We have three kids together and overall our real-life relationship is actually quite loving and stable. We get along well, we function well as a family, and I genuinely trust him with my life.
However, over the years I’ve occasionally discovered that he sometimes interacts with women online in ways that cross a line for me.
Recently I found messages where he had been talking to a woman online for several weeks. The conversations weren’t explicitly sexual, but he did present himself as single and open to “seeing where things go.” He also shared some casual photos from his daily life and asked for her social media. When I confronted him, he said he started messaging her because he disagreed with some of her posts in a forum and was basically just “messing around online” and didn’t think of it as serious.
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen questionable online behavior. A couple of years ago I also saw a message where he complimented a woman’s body in a pretty inappropriate way. Years earlier there was an anonymous social media account where he and a friend would sometimes leave flirtatious comments on women’s posts and have full conversations. What hurts the most is that i never got to see how these convos panned out, not because he didn’t pursue them- but because the girls never showed enough interest to allow him to take it to the next step. So technically i dont know what would happen if a girl actually said “oh you sound hot ket’s meet”. I believe in my heart that he would def meet for coffee and then justify that it was just coffee. I dont believe he would do anything physical. He insists none of this was ever meant to lead to anything real and that he would never physically cheat.
To be clear, I actually do believe that he would never pursue anything in real life. He’s very committed to our family and our faith, and when I confront him he apologizes and acknowledges that the behavior is inappropriate. I am not looking for “divorce him” comments cuz i think alot of people here just say these platitudes without really thinking that through. If that’s your advice, justify it. Note also we are both educated and high-income earning professionals. I think it’s alot to do with two people who have been together from a young age and have built lives together, and are now wanting to explore fantasies, but maybe that’s just what I want to believe. He’s also excellent with my family, friends, etc. very kind and always takes care of every single thing. I have full freedom to do anything, and he is super appreciative of the things i do at home like cooking etc and spending time with the kids- also, he’s a great dad.
At the same time, it still hurts. I’ve told him before that these kinds of interactions bother me.
Lately my thinking has shifted a bit. Since we’ve been together our entire adult lives and he views these online interactions as meaningless fantasy or entertainment, I told him that maybe the only fair approach is that I’m also free to talk to people online in the same way — nothing real-life, just conversations, flirting, etc.
From my perspective, that at least puts us on equal footing and removes the secrecy.
But I’m honestly not sure if this is a healthy way to handle it or if I’m just reacting emotionally.
For context:
• We’ve been together almost 20 years
• We have three kids
• In everyday life we are loving and supportive partners
• There has been some distance in intimacy over the years, especially during pregnancies and postpartum periods
I’m curious how others would view this, I will be doing the same to him from now on cuz he considers this all “not cheating”, just “trolling”, and says it is fully meaningless. So i am now also looking for virtual time passes/dirty talking cuz he has normalized it as long as we are “coming home to eachother”.
Salaam,
I’ve never posted anything on reddit but for the first time I feel like I need to.
(Also please excuse my grammar and vocab, English is my third language😭)
I (F21) am getting to know a guy (24)…I was never looking for a connection and never felt the need to get married at such a young age. I’m still a student and I don’t think i’m ‘fit’ for marriage yet, sometimes I even still struggle holding on to my 5 prayers a day…
However somehow this guy stumbled on my path and it’s been going well’ish…Looks wise he ticks all my boxes, he’s on his deen and works on strengthening his bond with his religion everyday MashAllah, he has a drivers license, a house, a job and is getting his second degree.
Personality wise it’s a little more difficult, we have the same humor and get along pretty well. It’s just that he has a different way of talking than I do. We were both born in The Netherlands but vocab wise there is a very big gap between us. I try to ignore it and say that it’ll get better with time since people tend to act/talk like the people they’re the most around. But sometimes it ‘icks’ me out??? I know it’s very nitpicky of me and it’s probably me just self sabotaging because I feel like its all going too well and I probably will get married soon AAARGHHHH.
We’ve been talking for a little more than 2 weeks now and we met up twice, both times went great and he’s showed me no bad traits yet. We decided to tell our parents about it and now everything is being rushed.
Our parents already told us we can’t see each other anymore (completely understandable and we felt the same since we both knew it was haram seeing each other without a proper mahram), but now my parents want to meet him to see if he’s ready for marriage.
He was completely okay with it but personally I was panicking. I’m still not 100% sure he’s the one and I also am a very very very very avoidant person when things get serious. He knows this and told me that even if he met my parents, i’m still not promised to him and I can back out at any time. He’s also reassured me that he’s very sure about wanting to continue with me and that he doesn’t think the way I do about how fast it’s going.
The issue is it doesn’t feel this way, i’ve been so stressed I can’t even study because I feel like I have no control over the situation and in my head I feel like I ‘owe’ him marriage and that makes me want to RUN
I feel dumb even typing this because I realize how self sabotaging and avoidant I sound. I guess I just want to know if someone can give my advice on what to do or how I can stop these self sabotaging thoughts from taking control over my head😭
For context, I’m a 25 year old South Asian man living in the USA. I’m a doctor in residency training. I have just started my search for potentials and am looking to get married in the next year or two.
My issue is that I don’t find the women from my own race attractive. I went to a uni that was very diverse & I found myself very attracted to the Arab girls there.
I know my parents will be against marrying outside my own race but they can’t really stop me so it’s not an issue. The issue I believe will be convincing the girl’s family to marry outside of their race. Anyone have experience dealing with this situation, especially Arab families? How did you navigate this?
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Time and time again, I have come across the posts reflecting disappointment and frustration while using the matrimony sites, especially Shaadi.com (Especially for desis, talk to me about it 😭) and Muzz. And that made me wonder - How about we share the matrimony profiles separately or/and in the ISO's...however way it works because I'm sure people on Reddit are more inclined towards marriage as compared to people on matrimony platforms which has birthed bitterness towards the search.
I feel like we can discuss it more constructively - the pros, cons and everything.
I had a secret marriage with my husband. His family does not know, but my family does. He is 23 and I am 19. We got married more than a year ago, and we had known each other for two years before that. He has been saying for a long time that he will tell his parents, but he never has. He is afraid they will cut off his financial support because he is an international student and depends on them.
Now things have changed he wants to go home because his grandmother is sick, and wallahi I feel really bad about that. However, when I asked him to at least mention my name, he said no. We live together, and I do everything I can to support our relationship. I also attend university, but recently I have been extremely depressed and have developed severe anxiety. I cannot sleep, eat, study, or function properly. I am even considering speaking to my school because I cannot mentally handle all of this.
He wants to leave, and no one in his family even knows I exist. I am his wife, and this makes me feel very hurt. He keeps saying he will tell them about me when he gets there, but I highly doubt it. Even now, he does not want to mention me he just says, “I like a Muslim girl and I am thinking about marriage.” But we are already married, and we live together.
From his perspective (as I understand it):
“I agreed to a secret marriage because I didn’t want to lose her. I financially support her as much as I can while managing my internship and the 11 courses I have left in university. I am scared to tell my parents or let anyone find out we are married. I want to have another nikah with her in front of my family; otherwise, I feel like I might be disowned.”
Bonjour, Salam
Je suis une femme de 37 ans, vivant actuellement à Lyon, d'origine maghrébine. Je cherche à construire un foyer basé sur le respect mutuel, la communication et des valeurs partagées.
Je souhaite rencontrer un homme d'origine marocaine (vivant en Europe/France) âgé de 38 à 45 ans.
Le critère principal est le sérieux : je cherche quelqu'un qui a dépassé le stade des rencontres éphémères et qui a un réel projet de vie de famille.
Je tente ma chance sur Reddit pour sortir des applications de rencontre classiques et trouver quelqu'un avec qui je peux d'abord échanger intellectuellement.
Si vous vous reconnaissez dans cette description, n'hésitez pas à m'envoyer un message privé (DM) en vous présentant un minimum.