u/SoybeanCola1933

I’ve been thinking about something I keep seeing here and wanted to get people’s perspectives.

On one hand, I often hear that “the bar is low” meaning once a man is talking to a woman, a lot of negative traits appear.

E.g “The bar is low” because the only people you even consider are those who already meet a set criteria.

But on the other hand, **getting to that stage is a hurdle itself**. There’s a strong initial filter (looks, vibe, social proof, etc.), especially on apps or in more formal marriage settings. So a lot of men might not even get the chance to demonstrate those “low bar” qualities.

A lot of conventional advice to guys is to marry once you’ve built yourself, but this idea doesn’t sit well with me.

I feel the best time to marry is while you’re building your life and allowing someone else to contribute to your growth.

Once you’ve ‘made it’ you are older and possibly competing with women who see you more as a product of your achievement as opposed to a human.

I’m starting to feel once you hit late 20s (when most men are stale and established) but are unmarried, the marriage search becomes exponentially harder.

I’m finding around the 30s people begin settling for spouses and become more focused on having a kid.

Everyone here recommends matchmakers, but how exactly do they work?

Do they charge fees? What’s their matching criteria? Do they commonly produce good matches?

Is anyone here a matchmaker who could walkthrough their marching process?

In the time of the Prophet, it seems marriage was easy, readily accessible and relatively low stakes.

Now, there are so many hurdles just to find someone.

Is this actually how it always was?

Most generic dating advice focuses on personal improvement, but without being integrated in a social environment it will be difficult to get results.

You can work on your looks, career, lifestyle etc but unless you’re meeting people and socially active, you won’t get anywhere

Med school is a social environment, and these are my observations:

• Cliques form very early and it's hard to break into friend groups you were not initially in. Probably harder than undergrad.
• Most of the cohort is partnered. In my class/lab group probably 80% of us are partnered - often long term relationships.
• Everyone is stressed and overworked - so people are typically less open to new experiences.
• Dating within the cohort doesn't really happen as much as people think - but maybe I'm just too early in to notice.
• Social events are often targeted to the dominant group - partnered folks. Lots of balls and couple-focused social event, less so for singles.