After a decade of back and forth my husband (34M) and I (32F) decided to have a baby. I figured I would post this now while I’m fresh out of pregnancy and into the early days before the details become a distant memory!
I'm sorry, I'm super sad right now and just wanted to vent.
I think I could cope with pregnancy. Though it is a long time, so maybe I'm wrong.
But pretty much every other aspect of birth and post partum make me think I just can't do it. And that really sucks. I know that my husband would like to become a father that way. But I just don't see it for myself.
I never want to stop being me, and I feel like post partum and motherhood often strip so many women of their identity, while fathers often move through the world as they always have.
I don't want to lose control for hours or days of labor, I don't want people putting their hands into my body, I don't want sex to be painful, for any period of time. I don't want to go through all of that and then continue to sacrifice my body for breastfeeding.
And I hate that I can't just be like my mom who just did it because she felt like she was supposed to, it's just what you do.
I am very open to adopting, and my husband says he is okay with it too, but he doesn't want to get snipped "just in case." The just in case has to be if I change my mind, right? If it was truly 100% okay and what he wanted, I feel he'd have no problem doing it. I'm not pressuring it I just feel like I'm letting him down and he's hoping that I will change. And I don't know what to do about that because I can't lose him :(
My partner and I really needing other perspectives of those who decided after 40. We are running out of time for biological kids and our feelings have changed. We're blessed to be financially independent.
We’re completely torn:
Why we lean Child-Free: We love our stress-free life. We have lower energy than most people our age, and we love hibernating and eating out and enjoy having no obligations.
Why we lean Kids: We crave a family unit and more people in our lives. Neither of our siblings have kids, so we won't even get to be an aunt or uncle. Travel and eating out are not as exciting anymore while being just us two seems lonely.
If you've made it to the other side of the fence:
Why did you choose to have kids or stay CF?
Has your choice turned out better or worse than you expected?
Hi guys,
The fact that I’m 30 and have been with my partner for coming on 3 years yet feel like the thought of kids in the next 5 years has not grown on me at all yet has me concerned and feeling guilty.
Our household income is about 600k, majority of that being me but she’s a hard worker and makes a good income too. I can’t get past the fact that kids seem like an insane sacrifice of freedoms I enjoy (travel, socializing, exercising etc.) it’s easy to say that if you want to you can make those things still happen but frankly career wise to pull 500k (I’m a doctor) I work a decent amount and just wanna come home to no stress or more work. Let alone feel guilty because I don’t see the kids enough with work. I also have just generally found kids kinda irritating but who knows how I’d feel about my own kids.
I feel the need to make up my mind about this because my partner is 29 and I don’t want to waste her time more if I’m not coming around to the idea. She’s never pressured me about it but it’s implicitly understood that at some point we’d wanna have kids if/when we get married and stuff.
To the guys out there, did you change your mind about this before you had kids, did having them change your mind or do you regret not listening to your gut instinct when you felt like maybe they weren’t for you??
I also wonder if I just need more time and I’d come around closer to 40 when I’ve lived life on my terms a bit more fully. Obviously I’m not dating someone young enough to be on that same timeline but love her dearly.
Furthermore even with a good income I just feel like in this day and age a child feels unaffordable.
Would love to hear from some other guys who may have gone through similar thoughts.
My husband and I have been talking about if we want kids for a while. I’ve always envisioned having kids and in the perfect world, we wouldn’t be fence sitters. However I have pretty bad anxiety and I can’t even imagine bringing a child into this world right now in today’s climate. We’ve got AI data centers taking over and threatening our access to clean free water. Not to mention the extreme lack of critical thinking we’re seeing in younger generations. Our food is poisoning us with glysophate, microplastics, and cancer causing chemicals. With climate change, who knows what the world will be like in 25-30 years. Now there’s talks of another global pandemic. We live good lives for the most part with pretty solid jobs (at least for now). The future just seems so bleak. How are people doing this and not having freak outs on the daily?!
This sub seems very pro children and anti anything that could make someone not want kids. It seems like any fence sitters who are leaning towards not having kids are encouraged the other way. Why is that? If I am unsure but leaning a certain way that should be ok. It seems like the mods are all pronatalists. They will probably delete this.
EDIT: I am so incredibly moved by all of your beautiful comments and stories and attempts you’ve made to convey something that sounds otherworldly. Congratulations to all of you! I definitely feel like I have a lot to mull over.
I was planning on being childfree my whole life. My sibling and I were the only grandchildren for years until all my aunts and uncles had kids at once, and family get togethers, from my teenage perspective, were a nightmare. I started calling it the best birth control ever. Seeing my beloved family members be weathered down by their children and all of the stress and work it takes to raise a child turned me off completely to the idea of ever having one. However, as I’ve gotten older (I’m 30 now) and met some really cool parents and even some cool kids and seen my cousins grow into wonderful people, I’ve softened on the idea that with the right person, it could be fun.
I recently started dating someone where that thought was triggered. They want to have kids, but I’m still very much wavering toward being child free (looking at the fence, not sure if I want to sit on it). One of the things I’ve been confused about for years is what people love about raising a child. Everyone comments that they love it and it’s “indescribable,” but I don’t want to gamble with my own life and one I’d have to create without getting a sense of what this experience could entail positively (I’ve seen enough of the negative). Are you able to articulate what’s fun or enjoyable about being a parent? Or is it simply something you have to do?
Edit: I’m shocked and sad how unique my experience is.I expected completely different reactions. Reading some of your responses, it sounds very rough.
Edit 2: didn’t expect so many responses. To clarify: nobody is saying life won’t change with children. The purpose of this post is to say that loss of freedom doesn’t have to be the reason to not have kids.
Edit 3: the definition of freedom seems to depend largely on your hobbies and what you consider fun and free. Mindset is everything!
I see the concern of “loss of freedom” a lot here. I myself used to be so afraid of it. Now I’m a parent and I realize you don’t need to lose your freedom as a parent and more importantly it’s not like you actually ever have true freedom anyway if you participate in the average workforce.
Let me explain: pre baby, from a young age actually, starting with school, then college, then work, you are essentially on a schedule. Your job requires you to be in the office or whatever job site for usually 8+ hours. You are set to arrive at a given time, do specific tasks, and then you’re allowed to leave. In return you get a paycheck. Is this true freedom? No. You cannot do what you want, unless you have unlimited financial resources.
It’s the same when you have a kid, except if you have the option to be a parent as your main job, then you gain a tremendous amount of freedom.
Having a kid adds more responsibilities if you also have to continue working (which most people do) but it doesn’t remove your freedom. You simply will want to spend your free time differently, and with a supportive partner you can keep your hobbies and sleep in here and there even.
Kids are also very flexible and they can be brought along to many things, including travel.
This post is not meant to convince anymore, it’s simply a different perspective on the freedom aspect.
For those who were on the fence and got off, how did you make your final decision on whether to have kids or not?
I just can't make a decision and no matter how much I think about what I want, I can't decide because there's major reasons for both decisions.
For context, I am a male in my early thirties and my wife is also in her early thirties. I was recently diagnosed with inattentive type adhd.
I wrote down my reasoning and feelings for wanting kids and not wanting kids.
Reasons why I do want kids:
The thought of bringing a mini version of my wife and I brings warmth to my heart and soul that I can love and nurture and guide though life.
The happiness it would bring my wife - her dream is to have kids, she finds so much purpose in this and it is something she is so excited for. I could see myself maybe feeling this way one day too but I don't see myself feeling this way anytime soon.
The personal growth I would get from raising a child. I imagine I would become a stronger person out of it and maybe learn a lot about myself too through raising a child.
Its a deal breaker with my wife if I don't have kids, my marriage wouldn't last and I have a fear of what my life would be like on my own
Reasons why I don't want kids:
I struggle to focus on more than one thing in my life - I am worried currently at this stage in my life I won't be able to give the amount of love and attention a kid needs. I only want to be a father if I can be a hands on dad.
I am worried I wont enjoy life anymore - I find whenever I have a lot going on in my life I become easily overwhelmed and I struggle to handle stress well. I also am very easily over stimulated. After work, all I want to do is go home into a quiet room and watch a movie or play a game. I even get overstimulated from our dog and I find our pets enough to handle.
Loss of freedom to do things - I still want to travel and see and do so many things, I want to be able to go out and pursue hobbies in my free time. I feel such joy knowing that I can go and do whatever activity I like without having to make plans
I find saving difficult as it is and it is just my wife and I, I'm worried about the pressures that will come with supporting an extra person.
I'm worried about the life the child would have in the future. I try to stay optimistic but it just feels like making a living is getting harder and harder and I would hate to think what it will be like for their generation.
Thanks for reading my long text. I'm so conflicted and I don't know what to do.
Honestly, I feel this internal pull towards not having children soon but we are in our early 30's and it's a deal breaker for her if we don't have them soon and I don't know how to live without my wife.
(Sorry, English is not my primary language)
Small history: When I was younger it was clear to me I would have kids some day. I could see a path laid before me where I would be a happy mom. In my late 20s the time came: I had been with my husband for 10 years, we had stable careers etc. Life was great for us so the timing of a baby should've been great as well.
But then came the doubt. Some of my friends had kids, others became or always had been strongly childfree. It was when having a baby became a possibility for me that I started to wonder: which camp do I actually belong to? Did I actually want kids or did I think I should want and have kids? I had never really thought about it before other than of course I want kids at some point.
The following years were spent as a fencesitter. I talked to a therapist as well as my friends, trying to find some clarity. I asked what's it like having or not having kids and of course the answer depended on who I asked. Those who had kids usually said it was the best thing but so did the childfree people. For me, I enjoy staying home, I like kids and am a very warm and patient person. Maybe mom material? I'm also ambitious, free-spirited and spend weeks succumbed to different art projects. Maybe childfree material?
I would look at families outside walking with a stroller and think it seemed lovely. Then I would go to buy groceries and a small child would be screaming their lungs out in there and it seemed dreadful. It went on and on, jumping around multiple times a day, I was completely 50/50. I'm quite the optimist so I thought I could probably be happy with either choice. But did I WANT to be a parent or childfree?
After I hit 33 I made a decision or maybe a non-decision. Since I was 50/50, I thought the best choice would be not having kids for the time being because it would preserve the way things were. Then my therapist suggested I eliminate the more logical thinking part (is it logical/feasible, should I, could I, what would this mean) and tune in on how I FELT about these two identities during everyday life: if I say to a friend I'm never gonna have kids, does it make me happy or sad? If my period is late, do I feel dread or cautious joy or hope? How does my everyday life right now make me feel?
At first it seemed to depend on the day. Sometimes I would feel sad from the thought of never having kids. But after months and months of keeping notes, I noticed a definite pattern which only got stronger during a few years until it was definite.
My hobbies and art projects made me feel absolute satisfaction and happiness. I felt sorrow from not being able to pursue them for any reason or for a little while, whether I was too busy or sick or whatever. I had zero desire to seek fulfillment for my life anywhere else since making art felt like it was my life's meaning and it had been that way almost all my life. I felt whole and satisfied in my current life.
I started to feel dread if my period was late, fear of having to give up my current life. I started to feel joyful telling people I don't want kids because it meant I would have to give up 0 % of the current life I have. I still know I could probably be as fulfilled and happy with kids but what I don't want is the gamble. I'm happy and I don't want to trade it for happy (maybe in a different way) but with a chance of being miserable. I know what this life, childfree life, feels like and it's great. So that's why I want to be childfree.
I don't know if anyone got any help from my writeup but I wanted to share my thoughts now that I've been around 5 years off the fence. I'm still confident as ever with my decision of being childfree. Maybe the message is that even if you're the worst case of being 50/50, you can still find surprising clarity and get off the fence!
Babies and kids are cute, but they all eventually turn into mentally struggling or mentally ill adults. Almost everyone I know is struggling with anxiety, depression, finances, and life in general. Existential dread is at an all time high especially for young adults who are already burnt out, not making enough money to buy a home or have a family, addicted to their phones, on anti depressants, are socially inept, and have AI do to things for them instead learning patience and skills. The world is getting so weird and dark and I have honestly lost hope for the future. Capitalism is ruining humanity and poisoning us and the Earth. We work our butts off so we can pay taxes that fuel war and genocide and in return the cost of everything goes up. The world is a hot mess. We are running out of water and other resources. The scientists who are discovering how to harness free energy are being murdered. The world is sick.
Deep down, I would love to have a family and kids and I think I could be a loving parent with enough resources. But it seems so unfair and selfish to bring more people here when I myself have lost hope for the future and struggle with existential dread.
Can anyone else relate?
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Fencesitter/s/6ZASWNJFZb
I saw this post in my history and thought this might be a good time to update. A few years after this post we successfully completed an IVF cycle and my son is now 1.5.
To sum up how I feel present day … the joys are indescribable. I can’t explain how happy it makes me feel that we’re parents, how amazing it feels every time he learns something new. I look back at photos of him as an infant and think “gosh we are so lucky to experience this”. For us, the joys undoubtedly outweigh the stressful parts.
5 years later … No longer a fence sitter
I(31F) am not feeling great. I don't have the beat relationship with my own mom so I suppose that's a big part of it but I just can't bring myself to go spend time with my MIL today. I'm also feeling so left out seeing so many of my peers expecting this year, on top of all the beautiful fanily photos from those that already have kids. I feel so incredibly lonely today. I just wanna curl up and cry. How is everyone else feeling? Happy to still be on the fence/childfree?
One thing that’s been messing with my head lately is that one of my friends is pregnant and due this summer. And honestly… in my opinion, they are not financially ready at all. They live in a very high cost of living city, rent, have basically no savings, rely on their parents sending money every month, and only one income (around 80k). My friend doesn’t work.
Seeing this situation weirdly gives me two completely opposite feelings at the same time.
On one hand, I think: “Well damn, if THEY can decide to have a kid, then maybe I’m overthinking everything and I could do it too.”
But on the other hand, I get irrationally irritated listening to them constantly complain about how expensive everything is going to be, formula, diapers, childcare, all of it. The baby isn’t even here yet and they already sound financially stressed. Part of me keeps thinking… was this not something you considered before getting pregnant?
And then I feel guilty for even thinking that, because obviously nobody can fully “prepare” for kids and lots of people make it work without being wealthy.
I don’t even know what my point is. I think seeing people make huge life decisions with way less caution than I would is making me question whether I’m responsibly thoughtful… or just overly anxious and avoidant.
My husband (32M) and I (28F) have been together for 8 years, married for 6. Since the beginning, he was always the one who wanted kids more than I did. He used to say he wanted at least 3, while I thought maybe 2 was more realistic. We used to talk about our future family a lot.
I was never someone who absolutely needed kids immediately. Even now, I don’t want one right this second — I imagined maybe in 2 years or so, especially after moving abroad and becoming more financially settled.
This year we bought a house and have an extra room that I always assumed would eventually become a kid’s room. Around that time, though, he started hinting that he was unsure about having children. After more conversations, he told me he thinks the world basically sucks and now says he never wants kids.
He says finances are a major reason. We both make above average salaries, but inflation and the economy in our country have made things feel tighter. At the same time, we’ve paid off 2 storage units, a parking garage, and a car, and our remaining debts are just the mortgage and a renovation/furniture loan that will end next year. I also make around 15% more than him. Part of why I struggle with the financial explanation is that he also likes spending money pretty freely even when I’m more cautious.
Our marriage overall is stable, and he generally likes well-mannered kids. But whenever we talk deeply about this topic, he tends to shut down emotionally.
Another thing complicating this is that I’ve had fertility issues before, so this doesn’t feel like a topic I can comfortably postpone forever. Before dating him, I actually thought I might adopt someday, so I’m not even rigidly attached to biological children specifically.
I think what’s hardest for me is that this feels like such a huge shift from the future we spent years talking about together. I don’t want to pressure someone into parenthood if they truly don’t want it, but I also don’t know how to process or navigate such a major change.
Has anyone gone through something similar? Was this ultimately anxiety/fear/stress, or a genuine permanent change of mind? How do you even begin navigating this without resentment building on both sides?
I’ve (F33) been with a (M44) that has 3 kids for a total of 5 years and I used the think I wanted one with him. Now I don’t want one with him or to have any of my own at all. I actually wish I could have a childfree life now. But the kids birth moms have had quite the year the past year, one died and the other one is now getting out of a ln abusive relationship so the custody isn’t exactly 50/50 right now. we had a break up back in 2023 for about a year because he decided he didn’t want to get married or have more children so I left, and then he changed his mind and I came back, things were still 50/50 when I came back and then everything happened since I’ve been back. We got engaged last year. We hardly have sex anymore, kids are at our house full time. If I had a preview of what was to come I probably wouldn’t have came back. But now the kids rely on me and I’m attached again. Kids are (F17)(F11)(F11)
My husband and I have been together for over 8 years, and we just celebrated our first wedding anniversary . We have been inundated with comments from family and friends about when we’re going to have a baby. Truthfully, I’ve always had mixed feelings about motherhood, mostly because my own relationship with my mother was very complicated, and I have gynae issues that are known for causing fertility problems. I suffered a miscarriage (after not even knowing I was pregnant) back in December, and ever since, I’ve been snappy with people asking when we plan on having our first. It was a sensitive subject to say the least.
We finally came to a conclusion: we don’t want kids.
There’s a lot of components that went into making that decision, but I’m so relieved we have both agreed that the childfree path is for us.
Both feeling very content about it and not afraid to tell those pressuring us that it simply isn’t for us :)
After a couple years on the fence (and spending a lot of time on this sub), I decided to have a baby and now have a 3 month old. Obviously I am very new to parenting but so far I’m incredibly happy with this decision, most of my fears around being a parent haven’t come to fruition, and my life is filled with so much joy and fulfilment.
That being said, I do think I would have been very happy childfree, because I just wouldn’t have known this side and I would have filled my life with other fulfilling things.
I think a lot of people on the fence are there because they can imagine being happy both ways, so I don’t think there’s a right or wrong decision, there’s just the path you choose and then it’s up to you to make the most of that path.
Anyway, AMA!
Hi everyone,
I’d like to share something I’ve been struggling with for quite a while now.
I’ve never really liked children, and I’ve never had much contact with them. The only time I ever held a baby was when I was six, and even then I was basically forced into it for a photo—and it showed. Whenever anyone asked me, I always said I didn’t want kids.
I come from a very loving family, so in a way it feels strange that I never had that desire. But then again, my mom was the same—she didn’t want children either until she met my dad, and then everything changed.
After I turned 30, I started thinking maybe something similar would happen to me—that if I met the right man, I might change my mind. But I was single for many years, and at some point I started feeling frustrated, almost helpless, like: “I won’t even get the chance to decide—time will decide for me.” That didn’t feel fair.
Then I met my current partner. He means a lot to me, and I truly see him as the right person for me. Early in the relationship, I told him I didn’t want children and that I was probably already too old anyway. He agreed. But about a year later, I started questioning that decision—and interestingly, before I even brought it up, he asked if maybe we should reconsider, since there might still be time.
And now… I’ve been stuck in this indecision for over a year.
He has nieces and nephews, and I can clearly see how natural he is with them. Meanwhile, I completely freeze. I don’t know what to say, I don’t feel comfortable interacting with them, and honestly, I don’t even feel the urge to try. His family expected me to be more involved, especially in the beginning, and were quite disappointed when I wasn’t. Because of that, they don’t really like me, and we barely talk. For them, children are everything. My partner, on the other hand, is very understanding and never judges me.
The thing is—I’m scared. I’m scared of pregnancy, I’m scared of childbirth. All I ever hear are negative stories, and I don’t know a single woman who didn’t end up with some lasting physical consequences. If it weren’t for pregnancy and giving birth, I honestly think I might have an easier time deciding.
I’m already over 40, so time is not exactly on my side anymore. And then there’s all the scary stuff about pregnancy after 40—miscarriages, complications, risks to the baby… it just adds to the anxiety. I’ve also decided that IVF or similar procedures are not something I would go through. If it happens naturally, fine. If not, then not.
The only “positive” I sometimes imagine is having an adult child one day—someone you can talk to, connect with. But that also makes me feel strange, because it’s like I’d just be waiting 20 years to get to that point, since I don’t relate to children at all.
What scares me the most is regret—on both sides. I’m afraid I’ll regret not having a child, but I’m equally afraid I’ll regret having one.
I feel completely split, 50/50. One day I lean one way, the next day the opposite. I just can’t seem to make a decision. I’ve read articles and books on this topic, hoping they would help me gain clarity, but they haven’t brought me any closer to a conclusion.
My partner would like to have children, but it’s not something that would make or break the relationship for him. He’s also leaving the decision entirely up to me, because he understands that the woman carries the greater burden in all of this—pregnancy, childbirth, and everything that comes with it.
I’ve been waiting for some kind of sign for over a year now—something that would help me make a final decision—but it just doesn’t come. What should I do? I don't have much time....
I apologize if this is long but It's a lot to unpack.
So I'm a 34 year old guy that's been single and pretty reclusive most of my adult life.
I've never been particular fond of children. In fact the thought of having a child has always seemed absolutely dreadful to me. Basically, I was the "never in a million years" type. But a recent bonding experience with my niece has made me feel emotions I have never felt in my life and it's completely flipped a switch in my brain.
So in 2018 my degenerate, couch hopping, alcoholic, party obsessed brother got a girl we went to school with pregnant. Me being the anti-kid person that I was, my first response was like oh great, now there's gonna be an annoying baby at family get-togethers.
Well anyways, some time goes by, the baby is born and my brother splits. goes out of state to do his own thing.
The mother kind of distances herself from our family and I go years and years without seeing my niece to which I regrettably didn't even really think about.
Well right before Christmas 2023 when my niece was 4 I think, my mother put her foot down and convinced my niece's mother into bringing her over for Christmas. I was there (but not my brother of course) and I was happy to see her. But also a bit indifferent, still not knowing how to interact with children and stuff. My mom did the whole explanation of "this is your uncle Cas, Your dad's brother. You two have the same last name" and all that. It was a pretty nice experience but I walked away from that not really feeling a lot still. Like "well that was nice, but ah yes.. peace and quiet. No more children around"
Well a couple more years goes by of me not really thinking about it and I get a photo of my niece in the mail for Christmas, who was now 6.
This was the initial stage of the switch flipping. As soon as I saw the photo I was hit with a intense wave of guilt. Like how could I let this girl grow up without knowing her uncle. Especially because my brother is such a deadbeat and doing to her what our father did to us.
I dwelled on this feeling for months, looking up at the framed photo once in a while and getting the same feeling of guilt every time. until recently when I decided "you know what, I'm going to do something about this"
I knew her 7th Birthday was just around the corner and I tried to get ahold of her mother to see if I could be there. But I didn't know her number and she has no social media. So I asked my mom if she knew how to reach her, but she didn't know how to get ahold of her either and stopped trying.
So on her birthday I literally drove to the address that was on the envelope of the photo I got for Christmas. Birthday presents in hand.
When I pulled in she opened the door and looked confused "like who is this pulling up?"
But as soon as I got out of the car, I hear "UNCLE CAS!!" and she came sprinting up to me and wrapped her arms around my legs and says "I MISSED YOU!"
Her mother came out right after and started crying immediately, putting her hands up to her mouth and everything. I was completely taken aback. I thought "how does she remember me and why is her mother so broken up?"
Turns out my niece had been asking about me ever since that Christmas in 2023. Her mother just didn't think I cared - which was partly true - so she never bothered messaging me. She thought I might be the same kind of degenerate as my brother. And the photo she sent was like a bit of a "test" to see.
I was just absolutely gutted hearing this. It was like all the guilt I had been feeling was just verified as being warranted and not just me overthinking. She actually WAS missing her uncle. I had to hold back tears while she yanked on my pant leg to go play.
So I spent like 3 hours there. Jumping on the trampoline, playing hide and seek, and just generally having a fun time getting to know my niece. When I had to leave she was so sad and saying stuff like "don't leave forever again" Just completely pulling at my heart strings. So of course I was like "I promise I'll be back soon sweetheart"
Then her mom was like "hey what do you think about picking her up from school on Friday? it would give you two some more bonding time and I could use a little break anyways haha" to which I replied "yeah, of course I will"
When I went home that night it was completely different feeling from that Christmas in 2023. instead of indifferent, This time I felt such a warm and satisfied feeling and actual excitement.
Friday comes around and I go to the school and wait outside the doors. When she came out and saw me standing there waiting, it was the same "UNCLE CAS!!!" as a few days ago. She sprinted towards me and jumped into my arms at full running speed, nearly knocking me down. In that moment I had never in life felt more loved and wanted by anyone at all and I had to hold back tears again.
The whole rest of the day was an amazing bonding experience. We played more hide and seek but at my house with more hiding places. I made her grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, then we played video games for the rest of the afternoon until she fell asleep leaning against my shoulder. My heart just melting.
I carried her out to my car and took her home. When I got there she woke up and started crying and saying stuff like "can you ask my mom if you can stay the night?" I just had to give her a hug and say "I can't, I'm sorry. But I promise I'll see you soon, okay?" and she just ran inside crying.
On my drive home, one the biggest emotional roller coasters I had ever experienced in my life started hitting me all at once. From the guilt of being distance and not caring, to reconnecting, to feeling genuinely loved and needed by a kid who I didn't truly realize how much I care for and how much they cared about me.
All of that compounded with the immense regret of waiting so long and the fear it would happen again. And thinking about my brother not being there for her...
I just started balling my eyes out.
3 days later and I'm still an emotional wreck and it feels like the only true way to feel whole again is to either adopt her which I know is obviously ridiculous, or have one of my own that I don't have to give back. I know this is all probably just an emotional "crash" from such a fulfilling and meaningful experience and it's likely to fade.
But right now it is overwhelming.
Either way though, I'm going to make damn sure I'm a regular part of my niece's life for the rest of my life. And I can absolutely see myself having one of my own. And maybe one day in a few years I can have my niece over to play with her little cousin.