u/_castin

I have a very unique and strange experience with raising 2 different children from birth despite having no kids.
When I turned 19, my single mother had my sister and I was basically forced into being her primary parent because of my mom's hectic life. I'm talking like 70% of the load was put on me and I was basically a stay at home brother/parent at the same time.
For the first 10 years of her life I dealt with it all. Every single day.
All the crying, diapers, bottles, baths, getting her dressed, making her meals, putting her to bed, taking her to school, picking her up, helping with homework, taking her fun places, showing her new fun experiences, disciplining, correcting bad behaviors and really shaping her into the person she is today at 17.

Then my brother's daughter was born in 2019 and I stepped right back into that parental role due to the fact he and his ex are both homeless drug addicts and now have guardianship of her.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and niece more than anyone else in the world and would do everything in my power to protect them and assure their well being with everything I have as if they were my own.
I think the bond I have with both of them goes deeper than the label of "brother" and "uncle".
I mean I have basically dedicated my entire adult life to them and I think I've done all the same stuff a dad would do. Like teaching them how to use tools, how to ride bikes, conquer fears, etc...
But I can't help but to scroll through this sub reddit every day, longing to know what it's like to be a biological father.
I held both of them as new born babies. And it's not like I felt nothing. But how much more would I feel holding my own?
Does raising a kid with 50% of my DNA really mean that much more than raising a kid with 25% of my DNA?
Idk, my thoughts are all over the place.
I'm about to turn 36, My sister is a half a year away from 18 and my niece just turned 7.
And all I can think about is do I need to pursue becoming a real dad or can I live the rest of my life satisfied that I already have?

EDIT: Wow... I am overwhelmed by the amount of positive and supportive replies. I'm legitimately sitting here getting all teary eyed. Thanks so much guys 🥹

EDIT EDIT: All these comments are definitely making me feel proud and important and that I really have been living the dad life all along.
For now I feel like I can chill out on the thoughts of not being a "real dad" and just focus on doing what I can for these two wonderful girls.

https://preview.redd.it/9o2ggnczux0h1.jpg?width=1448&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f4c6c25c1ad9176229d46b88b37b0114618010e2

I apologize if this is long but It's a lot to unpack.
So I'm a 34 year old guy that's been single and pretty reclusive most of my adult life.
I've never been particular fond of children. In fact the thought of having a child has always seemed absolutely dreadful to me. Basically, I was the "never in a million years" type. But a recent bonding experience with my niece has made me feel emotions I have never felt in my life and it's completely flipped a switch in my brain.

So in 2018 my degenerate, couch hopping, alcoholic, party obsessed brother got a girl we went to school with pregnant. Me being the anti-kid person that I was, my first response was like oh great, now there's gonna be an annoying baby at family get-togethers.
Well anyways, some time goes by, the baby is born and my brother splits. goes out of state to do his own thing.
The mother kind of distances herself from our family and I go years and years without seeing my niece to which I regrettably didn't even really think about.
Well right before Christmas 2023 when my niece was 4 I think, my mother put her foot down and convinced my niece's mother into bringing her over for Christmas. I was there (but not my brother of course) and I was happy to see her. But also a bit indifferent, still not knowing how to interact with children and stuff. My mom did the whole explanation of "this is your uncle Cas, Your dad's brother. You two have the same last name" and all that. It was a pretty nice experience but I walked away from that not really feeling a lot still. Like "well that was nice, but ah yes.. peace and quiet. No more children around"
Well a couple more years goes by of me not really thinking about it and I get a photo of my niece in the mail for Christmas, who was now 6.
This was the initial stage of the switch flipping. As soon as I saw the photo I was hit with a intense wave of guilt. Like how could I let this girl grow up without knowing her uncle. Especially because my brother is such a deadbeat and doing to her what our father did to us.
I dwelled on this feeling for months, looking up at the framed photo once in a while and getting the same feeling of guilt every time. until recently when I decided "you know what, I'm going to do something about this"
I knew her 7th Birthday was just around the corner and I tried to get ahold of her mother to see if I could be there. But I didn't know her number and she has no social media. So I asked my mom if she knew how to reach her, but she didn't know how to get ahold of her either and stopped trying.

So on her birthday I literally drove to the address that was on the envelope of the photo I got for Christmas. Birthday presents in hand.
When I pulled in she opened the door and looked confused "like who is this pulling up?"
But as soon as I got out of the car, I hear "UNCLE CAS!!" and she came sprinting up to me and wrapped her arms around my legs and says "I MISSED YOU!"
Her mother came out right after and started crying immediately, putting her hands up to her mouth and everything. I was completely taken aback. I thought "how does she remember me and why is her mother so broken up?"
Turns out my niece had been asking about me ever since that Christmas in 2023. Her mother just didn't think I cared - which was partly true - so she never bothered messaging me. She thought I might be the same kind of degenerate as my brother. And the photo she sent was like a bit of a "test" to see.
I was just absolutely gutted hearing this. It was like all the guilt I had been feeling was just verified as being warranted and not just me overthinking. She actually WAS missing her uncle. I had to hold back tears while she yanked on my pant leg to go play.
So I spent like 3 hours there. Jumping on the trampoline, playing hide and seek, and just generally having a fun time getting to know my niece. When I had to leave she was so sad and saying stuff like "don't leave forever again" Just completely pulling at my heart strings. So of course I was like "I promise I'll be back soon sweetheart"
Then her mom was like "hey what do you think about picking her up from school on Friday? it would give you two some more bonding time and I could use a little break anyways haha" to which I replied "yeah, of course I will"
When I went home that night it was completely different feeling from that Christmas in 2023. instead of indifferent, This time I felt such a warm and satisfied feeling and actual excitement.

Friday comes around and I go to the school and wait outside the doors. When she came out and saw me standing there waiting, it was the same "UNCLE CAS!!!" as a few days ago. She sprinted towards me and jumped into my arms at full running speed, nearly knocking me down. In that moment I had never in life felt more loved and wanted by anyone at all and I had to hold back tears again.
The whole rest of the day was an amazing bonding experience. We played more hide and seek but at my house with more hiding places. I made her grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, then we played video games for the rest of the afternoon until she fell asleep leaning against my shoulder. My heart just melting.
I carried her out to my car and took her home. When I got there she woke up and started crying and saying stuff like "can you ask my mom if you can stay the night?" I just had to give her a hug and say "I can't, I'm sorry. But I promise I'll see you soon, okay?" and she just ran inside crying.
On my drive home, one the biggest emotional roller coasters I had ever experienced in my life started hitting me all at once. From the guilt of being distance and not caring, to reconnecting, to feeling genuinely loved and needed by a kid who I didn't truly realize how much I care for and how much they cared about me.
All of that compounded with the immense regret of waiting so long and the fear it would happen again. And thinking about my brother not being there for her...
I just started balling my eyes out.
3 days later and I'm still an emotional wreck and it feels like the only true way to feel whole again is to either adopt her which I know is obviously ridiculous, or have one of my own that I don't have to give back. I know this is all probably just an emotional "crash" from such a fulfilling and meaningful experience and it's likely to fade.
But right now it is overwhelming.
Either way though, I'm going to make damn sure I'm a regular part of my niece's life for the rest of my life. And I can absolutely see myself having one of my own. And maybe one day in a few years I can have my niece over to play with her little cousin.