Hi everyone,
I’d like to share something I’ve been struggling with for quite a while now.
I’ve never really liked children, and I’ve never had much contact with them. The only time I ever held a baby was when I was six, and even then I was basically forced into it for a photo—and it showed. Whenever anyone asked me, I always said I didn’t want kids.
I come from a very loving family, so in a way it feels strange that I never had that desire. But then again, my mom was the same—she didn’t want children either until she met my dad, and then everything changed.
After I turned 30, I started thinking maybe something similar would happen to me—that if I met the right man, I might change my mind. But I was single for many years, and at some point I started feeling frustrated, almost helpless, like: “I won’t even get the chance to decide—time will decide for me.” That didn’t feel fair.
Then I met my current partner. He means a lot to me, and I truly see him as the right person for me. Early in the relationship, I told him I didn’t want children and that I was probably already too old anyway. He agreed. But about a year later, I started questioning that decision—and interestingly, before I even brought it up, he asked if maybe we should reconsider, since there might still be time.
And now… I’ve been stuck in this indecision for over a year.
He has nieces and nephews, and I can clearly see how natural he is with them. Meanwhile, I completely freeze. I don’t know what to say, I don’t feel comfortable interacting with them, and honestly, I don’t even feel the urge to try. His family expected me to be more involved, especially in the beginning, and were quite disappointed when I wasn’t. Because of that, they don’t really like me, and we barely talk. For them, children are everything. My partner, on the other hand, is very understanding and never judges me.
The thing is—I’m scared. I’m scared of pregnancy, I’m scared of childbirth. All I ever hear are negative stories, and I don’t know a single woman who didn’t end up with some lasting physical consequences. If it weren’t for pregnancy and giving birth, I honestly think I might have an easier time deciding.
I’m already over 40, so time is not exactly on my side anymore. And then there’s all the scary stuff about pregnancy after 40—miscarriages, complications, risks to the baby… it just adds to the anxiety. I’ve also decided that IVF or similar procedures are not something I would go through. If it happens naturally, fine. If not, then not.
The only “positive” I sometimes imagine is having an adult child one day—someone you can talk to, connect with. But that also makes me feel strange, because it’s like I’d just be waiting 20 years to get to that point, since I don’t relate to children at all.
What scares me the most is regret—on both sides. I’m afraid I’ll regret not having a child, but I’m equally afraid I’ll regret having one.
I feel completely split, 50/50. One day I lean one way, the next day the opposite. I just can’t seem to make a decision. I’ve read articles and books on this topic, hoping they would help me gain clarity, but they haven’t brought me any closer to a conclusion.
My partner would like to have children, but it’s not something that would make or break the relationship for him. He’s also leaving the decision entirely up to me, because he understands that the woman carries the greater burden in all of this—pregnancy, childbirth, and everything that comes with it.
I’ve been waiting for some kind of sign for over a year now—something that would help me make a final decision—but it just doesn’t come. What should I do? I don't have much time....