u/tenyearsandthriving

History of resident kitty: Arrived to us as an adult. He adjusted well, he's now almost 6 years old and has been with us for a few years. He used to be my soul cat! An absolute cuddlebug who loved brushing and pets, to the point of drooling in stranger's laps if they brushed him.

He seemed needy and a bit lonely so we got him a kitten friend 10 months ago. Slowly introduced them and they love each other. They play together, groom each other and sleep together. Resident kitty seems ten times happier and more satisfied now but at the cost of disintegrating the bond I had with him. He now actively dislikes me and it's been this way for 10 months.

The behavior started the second the new cat arrived but we thought he was just getting used to the change so we didn't think much of it. He didn't want anything to with us unless it involved food, he didn't even want to play with us. We gave him space and slowly he came around a bit but only to my husband. He's still more aloof to him than he was before but still does go to his lap, purrs etc. With me he doesn't purr, doesn't want to be touched or be anywhere near me.

Only difference I can think of is that husband has given less attention to the new cat than me because he's away a lot and I'm home all the time. I think maybe resident cat is territorial or something over us. He does this dominating behavior where he'll bite the kitten in the neck sometimes and it's always in a situation where for example the new cat comes to greet me at the door when I come home.

But we're in an impossible situation. I can't give our resident kitty more attention than the new cat since he doesn't like me where as the new cat loves me and always wants to be with me. I tried stuff like greeting the resident kitty first at the door but I can't pet him or even talk to him, he just backs away if I do. Since he doesn't like me touching him, I tried to limit all our interactions to me just giving him treats or high-value food multiple times every single day. I tried that for months and the end result was he tolerates my presence if he gets to eat, after that he still wants nothing to do with me.

I'm going to take care of him just the same if he never comes around. But I still find myself wishing there's something I could do to make him like me, even just a little bit. The difference is so drastic. It's not just "I now have a new best buddy so I don't need humans as much", it's "I might tolerate your presence if you give me food". It's even making stuff like clipping his nails and brushing (which he needs as a long-haired boy) dreadful since I have to do those things but he hates me being that close. We're now in a state where he just sees me cuddling, brushing and petting the new cat all day long because he wants none of that from me. Maybe he doesn't care, but if his behavior has something to with jealousy, I have no idea what to do. Is it possible to bond with him ever again? It's probably not adjustment period anymore if it's been almost a year?

(Sorry, English is not my primary language)

Small history: When I was younger it was clear to me I would have kids some day. I could see a path laid before me where I would be a happy mom. In my late 20s the time came: I had been with my husband for 10 years, we had stable careers etc. Life was great for us so the timing of a baby should've been great as well.

But then came the doubt. Some of my friends had kids, others became or always had been strongly childfree. It was when having a baby became a possibility for me that I started to wonder: which camp do I actually belong to? Did I actually want kids or did I think I should want and have kids? I had never really thought about it before other than of course I want kids at some point.

The following years were spent as a fencesitter. I talked to a therapist as well as my friends, trying to find some clarity. I asked what's it like having or not having kids and of course the answer depended on who I asked. Those who had kids usually said it was the best thing but so did the childfree people. For me, I enjoy staying home, I like kids and am a very warm and patient person. Maybe mom material? I'm also ambitious, free-spirited and spend weeks succumbed to different art projects. Maybe childfree material?

I would look at families outside walking with a stroller and think it seemed lovely. Then I would go to buy groceries and a small child would be screaming their lungs out in there and it seemed dreadful. It went on and on, jumping around multiple times a day, I was completely 50/50. I'm quite the optimist so I thought I could probably be happy with either choice. But did I WANT to be a parent or childfree?

After I hit 33 I made a decision or maybe a non-decision. Since I was 50/50, I thought the best choice would be not having kids for the time being because it would preserve the way things were. Then my therapist suggested I eliminate the more logical thinking part (is it logical/feasible, should I, could I, what would this mean) and tune in on how I FELT about these two identities during everyday life: if I say to a friend I'm never gonna have kids, does it make me happy or sad? If my period is late, do I feel dread or cautious joy or hope? How does my everyday life right now make me feel?

At first it seemed to depend on the day. Sometimes I would feel sad from the thought of never having kids. But after months and months of keeping notes, I noticed a definite pattern which only got stronger during a few years until it was definite.

My hobbies and art projects made me feel absolute satisfaction and happiness. I felt sorrow from not being able to pursue them for any reason or for a little while, whether I was too busy or sick or whatever. I had zero desire to seek fulfillment for my life anywhere else since making art felt like it was my life's meaning and it had been that way almost all my life. I felt whole and satisfied in my current life.

I started to feel dread if my period was late, fear of having to give up my current life. I started to feel joyful telling people I don't want kids because it meant I would have to give up 0 % of the current life I have. I still know I could probably be as fulfilled and happy with kids but what I don't want is the gamble. I'm happy and I don't want to trade it for happy (maybe in a different way) but with a chance of being miserable. I know what this life, childfree life, feels like and it's great. So that's why I want to be childfree.

I don't know if anyone got any help from my writeup but I wanted to share my thoughts now that I've been around 5 years off the fence. I'm still confident as ever with my decision of being childfree. Maybe the message is that even if you're the worst case of being 50/50, you can still find surprising clarity and get off the fence!