Husband went from wanting 3 kids to saying he never wants children — how do we navigate this?
My husband (32M) and I (28F) have been together for 8 years, married for 6. Since the beginning, he was always the one who wanted kids more than I did. He used to say he wanted at least 3, while I thought maybe 2 was more realistic. We used to talk about our future family a lot.
I was never someone who absolutely needed kids immediately. Even now, I don’t want one right this second — I imagined maybe in 2 years or so, especially after moving abroad and becoming more financially settled.
This year we bought a house and have an extra room that I always assumed would eventually become a kid’s room. Around that time, though, he started hinting that he was unsure about having children. After more conversations, he told me he thinks the world basically sucks and now says he never wants kids.
He says finances are a major reason. We both make above average salaries, but inflation and the economy in our country have made things feel tighter. At the same time, we’ve paid off 2 storage units, a parking garage, and a car, and our remaining debts are just the mortgage and a renovation/furniture loan that will end next year. I also make around 15% more than him. Part of why I struggle with the financial explanation is that he also likes spending money pretty freely even when I’m more cautious.
Our marriage overall is stable, and he generally likes well-mannered kids. But whenever we talk deeply about this topic, he tends to shut down emotionally.
Another thing complicating this is that I’ve had fertility issues before, so this doesn’t feel like a topic I can comfortably postpone forever. Before dating him, I actually thought I might adopt someday, so I’m not even rigidly attached to biological children specifically.
I think what’s hardest for me is that this feels like such a huge shift from the future we spent years talking about together. I don’t want to pressure someone into parenthood if they truly don’t want it, but I also don’t know how to process or navigate such a major change.
Has anyone gone through something similar? Was this ultimately anxiety/fear/stress, or a genuine permanent change of mind? How do you even begin navigating this without resentment building on both sides?